Until I Love Again (5 page)

She glanced over at Henry, his face now dark as a thundercloud. The implications of her ease and comfort with Joey had not been lost to him. This was exactly why Henry had been entrusted with her care, to prevent contact with Joey, and he obviously felt like a failure.

Susanna met Joey's gaze and smiled, but she looked away at once. She shouldn't display her real emotions here. In the meantime she
wouldn't think about the disapproval of those around them. She'd think about Joey and the
goot
times they'd shared. It was likely this would be their last night together, which was an awful thought. When their orders were ready, Henry tugged on her arm. “Susanna! Here's your order. Come with me. Now!”

When Susanna hesitated, Henry tugged again.

“But he's coming too.” Susanna sent a quick glance toward Joey.

“That I am,” Joey responded.

“Not in the buggy,” Henry snapped, his voice a bit too loud. “Now come.” He pulled hard on Susanna's arm this time, and she gave in. Joey could follow them in his car. That was best anyway.

“You're making a scene,” Susanna muttered on their way out. Her sandwich bag caught on the door frame, but Henry didn't stop. The bag ripped, and a piece of brown paper stayed behind. At least her sandwich was still in her hand.

“I'm not making a scene. You are,” Henry grumbled. “I'm not the one who made plans to meet their
Englisha
loved one in the middle of Heuvelton.”

“I didn't plan this, Henry. And besides, I'm on my
rumspringa
,” Susanna retorted.

Henry untied Ranger and climbed in the buggy before he answered. “Your
rumspringa
needs to end. You're marrying Ernest. Let's keep that truth in front of our eyes.”

“Why are you making such a big deal about this? It's not as if I want to marry Joey. We're just friends,” Susanna protested. Henry didn't answer but drove Ranger out onto the street at breakneck speed.

“Slow down,” she ordered.

“We're going home,” he said, his face set.

“No, we're not,” Susanna shot back.

Henry said nothing as the waters from the town's river appeared
in front of them and the road toward home became visible across the bridge.

“Joey will follow us home,” Susanna said. “Is that what you want?”

Henry pulled back on the reins and looked at her. “Are you telling the truth, Susanna? Would he follow us?”

“I don't know for sure,” Susanna admitted. “But he might. He will want to know what's going on. I told him we were headed to the water.”

Henry pondered the point for a moment. At the last second he pulled left on the reins. The open buggy tilted to the side as they made the turn. Two blocks later Henry pulled off the street and onto the riverbank. Ranger came to a halt, and Henry let the reins hang loose. There was no place to tie up, but Ranger had been here before. The routine was established.

“You behave yourself now,” Henry said out of the corner of his mouth. “And
Mamm
and
Daett
need not know about this.”

“Thank you,” Susanna told him. “I appreciate what you're doing for me.”

Henry didn't answer, but he climbed down from the buggy with his bagged sandwich in one hand. Susanna tried to breathe evenly. That Henry should offer to keep this evening a secret warmed her heart, but his offer would only go so far. The word would get around the community from the others that she had asked Joey to join their gathering. She would deal with that later.

With trembling hands Susanna climbed down from the buggy. She almost tripped when her foot hit the ground, but she caught herself with one hand on the wheel. Thankfully Joey hadn't pulled in yet. He didn't need to see this display of clumsiness. The rest of the evening must be perfect, since it could be her last with Joey. She forced a smile as Joey parked across the street and with quick steps crossed over and came to a stop beside her.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“
Yah
, I've got things straightened out with my brother…for now. Thanks for following us down here,” Susanna said.

Joey smiled and took her hand. “Come,” he said. “Let's walk by the river and find a nice spot to sit and eat away from the others.”

“I couldn't agree more,” Susanna said with a quick glance over her shoulder. Henry had backed off and joined the others. It was right that she should spend what could be the last evening of her
rumspringa
with Joey, Susanna told herself. She already knew the others disapproved, so what greater damage could she do?

The tinkle of the flowing water filled Susanna's ears as they walked along the bank. Her hand grew warm in Joey's tender grasp. She smiled up into his face and leaned against his shoulder. Was he more than a friend? Maybe he could be someday, if only their relationship would be allowed to continue and grow. But that could never be.

“How about here?” Joey asked. He didn't wait for an answer before he lowered himself onto the grass.

Susanna smoothed her dress before she followed Joey's example. A desire to pull off her shoes and run her feet through the spring grass came over her. But did she dare?
Yah
, she would. With a quick motion, Susanna set her sandwich on the bank and slipped off her shoes. The socks came next. Susanna didn't look up at Joey as she moved her feet through the grass. When she dared glance at his face, his smile was all the answer she needed.

“We used to do that in the summertime when we were kids,” Joey said. “But we got away from the practice. Looks like you hung on.”

“It's not something to let go of,” Susanna said. “That's what our people believe.”

“For once I like an Amish custom.” Joey grinned. “Nice feet.”

Susanna reddened and tucked both of them under her dress. “You shouldn't say things like that.”

“What? Complimenting your feet? Come on, Susanna. Is that so wrong?”

“I guess not,” Susanna managed. “Thanks for caring enough to find me tonight. I was hoping you would.”

“Well, we missed you at the house last weekend, so we were beginning to wonder. Is something going on I should know about?”

“I…” Susanna began but then stopped. “Let's not talk about it, please. Let's enjoy the evening and this moment.”

“Then there is something going on.” Joey studied her face. “Please tell me, Susanna. I would hate to think you won't come by the house as often…or any more at all. Is it something we've said or done? Do your parents object? Would it help if I spoke to them?”

Susanna shook her head. That was the exact wrong approach. But how could she explain? Susanna began again. “I…really can't tell you. Not now. Not at this moment.”

“Well then, will you promise me you won't disappear without a trace?”

“You know where I live.” Susanna forced a laugh. “You can always stop by.” There, she had said the words despite her misgivings, but she simply couldn't help herself. She didn't want this to end. Not tonight. Not ever.

Chapter Five

E
rnest Helmuth paused near his barn door for a moment, having just finished his chores. His sister Katherine would have breakfast ready by now, but he wanted to savor this quiet moment alone. Sunday morning had dawned with clear skies, and the warmth of a south wind was blowing up from the valley below. The trees were ready to bud, and the ground was bursting with new life. Tomorrow he would be in the fields for the last of the spring plowing.

The Lord had blessed even as He had taken away. Naomi was gone, and he had mourned her death for months. The sorrow still lingered along with a deep discontentment. Naomi would never come back, but there should be a
frau
in the house with breakfast prepared for him. His seventeen-year-old sister, Katherine, had taken over since Naomi's passing, and she had handled the household duties with grace and joy in her heart. He was not ungrateful, but even
goot
things must come to an end. He could not impose on Katherine forever, nor on the good graces of his parents. At their age, they could use Katherine's help on the homeplace. Instead he had Katherine tied up with the care of his two young girls, Lizzie and Martha. He compensated his parents for Katherine's time, but that didn't get the work done at home.

“We are glad to help out where we can,”
Mamm
often told him.

Daett
always nodded, and sometimes said, “When your heart is healed, son, then we will think of what comes next.”

He knew what that meant. He was eventually expected to find and marry a proper woman who could care for Lizzie and Martha. His parents continued to wait, but action would also be expected from him. In fact, he should already have a Sunday evening date lined up with an available unmarried woman from the community. There were plenty of decent choices from which to pick. Two young widows lived in the district, but he had settled his mind on Susanna Miller—and more than just settled. The truth was, he was completely taken by the girl. He couldn't keep his eyes off of Susanna at the Sunday services, and he had made several unnecessary trips over to the Millers' place on needless errands in the hopes he would get a chance to speak with the girl. But Susanna hadn't appeared, and he had been reduced to incoherent mumbles in his conversations with Susanna's
Daett
, Ralph.

“Nice weather we're having, isn't it?” he had asked. “The Lord has been gracious again this year.”

“
Yah
,” Ralph had allowed. “That it is. We receive both the rain and the sunshine as from the Lord's hand.”

“I used to enjoy the rain as a boy,” Ernest had said. “I used to take my shoes off to clomp through the barnyard puddles. I appreciated the heritage the Lord gave us from a young age. Seems like my heart has always been with the community and the life we live here. May the Lord's name be uplifted and praised among His people.”

Ralph had looked strangely at him. “We all have our memories, I suppose. And I, too, love our way of life.”

“Well, tell Susanna hello for me,” Ernest had managed before driving quickly out of the lane.

He was sure Ralph understood and even approved of his intentions, but he knew that Ralph would likely approve of any man from the community who called on his daughter. He had learned of Susanna's past from his parents after he mentioned Susanna's name a few weeks ago in their presence.

“All the older people know this,” his
Mamm
had informed him. “Ralph made his wishes known years ago when he took Susanna into his home after his marriage to Linda. No one is to speak to Susanna about her past. I doubt she even knows the truth herself. Of course, people can tell the tale when their sons show an interest in her, so I'm sure the story has been told often. The girl is quite
goot
-looking, and doubtless has generated plenty of interest. You should consider what we told you, Ernest. Considering her background, Susanna could be unstable. Look at the reports we've been getting on her wild
rumspringa
time. She's not the
frau
to replace Naomi, Ernest.”

“No one can replace Naomi,” Ernest had told them. “And this interest I have in Susanna is of the Lord.” So they had fallen silent and let the matter lie.

The story of Susanna's past had not changed his mind. There was no reason that the sins of the parents should be held to the child's account. The Lord had said so Himself in the Old Testament. Susanna was not to blame. The blessing of the Lord was on the girl, and there should be no obstacles in his path to marrying her. He would approach Susanna directly. It just wasn't the time yet.

But
Mamm
was right on one point. By now many of the unmarried men in the community knew the true story of Susanna's birth. Yet none of them had the courage to continue their pursuit of Susanna's hand in marriage. They did not have his faith. The Lord had given him great grace in this matter. Perhaps this came because of
the pain he had suffered after Naomi's death. Did not the Lord give back what He took? He could think of no other reason to explain the confidence that stirred inside of him. Susanna would be his
frau
by this fall, and he would be the man to comfort Ralph's heart.