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Authors: Jerry S. Eicher

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BOOK: Until I Love Again
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Henry ignored her. “In fact, Emory isn't the only one to lose interest. I seem to remember not long ago Mark Troyer was smiling your way quite a bit. But not lately.”

Susanna pressed her lips together. Was this true? Both Emory and Mark had considered her, but changed their minds? Henry would have this straight, but she had been too wrapped up in Joey to notice. So why didn't an Amish man other than Ernest Helmuth follow through on his interest in her? Not that she was interested in them, but still…what was wrong with her?

Susanna pushed the dark thought away as Henry pulled back on the reins. They bounced into the Millers' driveway and came to a stop near the barn door. Susanna climbed down to wait while
Daett
drove his buggy in behind them with James, Noah, and Tobias in the backseat.
Mamm
stepped down and walked with Susanna toward the house while the men unhitched the buggies.

“Can't we just go to bed and forget about all this tonight?” Susanna begged at the front door. “It's already late.”

“You would be up till midnight if you were on a date,”
Mamm
said. “We are going to talk tonight, Susanna.
Daett
has it all planned. Besides, it's way past time to get this out in the open.”

Susanna wanted to protest further, but resistance was futile. She took her seat on the couch and waited. The minutes seemed to drag into hours before the voices of her brothers and
Daett
came from the washroom. The kitchen door slammed next. Henry paused for a moment at the sight of her on the couch, but he hurried on when
Daett
made a quick motion with his hand toward the stairs. Noah wasn't so easily persuaded. He walked past
Daett
and came to a stop in front of Susanna. “What have you done wrong now?” he demanded.

Susanna tried to smile. “Don't worry about me, Noah. Just go to bed.”

“But I want to know,” Noah protested. “Why doesn't anyone tell me anything?”

Mamm
hurried over and hustled Noah up the stairs and closed
the door behind him. Susanna sat up straight as the sound of another set of buggy wheels could be heard in the driveway.
Mamm
and
Daett
exchanged looks, and
Daett
rushed outside again.

“Who is that?” Susanna asked. Visions of a visit from Deacon Herman flashed through her mind. Had
Daett
gone to such extremes? Surely her transgressions didn't merit a visit from the deacon on a Sunday evening?

“It's Ernest Helmuth,”
Mamm
said, her lips set firmly.

Susanna drew a long breath. “You have set up a date with the man—for me, without asking me?”

“No, but behave yourself,”
Mamm
said. “This is the end of the line, Susanna. That's all I can say. At least your
Daett
has the sense to finally tell you the truth.”

Susanna tried to breathe as the room tilted on its axis. Something serious was afoot, and she had no idea what. One couldn't be married without consent, even if her parents wanted her to. Susanna quieted the wild thoughts and clasped her hands tightly. No matter what caused her parents to act this strangely, she would survive. She always had before. Besides,
Mamm
and
Daett
loved her and wanted the best for her. She would take comfort in the thought.

The front door opened, and Ernest followed
Daett
inside. Ernest held his hat in his hand and didn't appear too happy, but that was understandable. What man would if he were in a woman's home uninvited at such hours and under such circumstances?

“Have a seat,”
Mamm
told Ernest, offering him a chair. Ernest sat down and squirmed, his hat still in his hand.

“I'll take that,”
Mamm
said, and Ernest handed over the hat.
Mamm
laid it gently behind the stove.

Daett
waited until
Mamm
returned to her rocker. “This is a most serious moment in our lives,”
Daett
began. “I had always hoped this time would never come, but I see I was quite wrong, and I
beg forgiveness from all of you. First from Susanna, but also from
Mamm
and now from you, Ernest. I have wronged each of you greatly, even though I have tried these many years to make things right. It seems my sins have followed me, and now others must suffer for what I have done.”

Daett
paused and
Mamm
reached over to hold his hand. Susanna kept her eyes on Ernest's shiny, black Sunday shoes. Nothing seemed real or appropriate at the moment. Was
Daett
going to say something that would change her life forever?
Yah
, somehow she knew he would, as if the words had already been spoken. But what? She couldn't imagine, though the cloud hung heavy and dreadful over the whole house.

Daett
cleared his throat. “I would have wished to never tell you this, Susanna, but now I must so that you will understand why Ernest is here. He has offered to marry you this fall after you have been through your baptismal classes.”

Susanna gasped. “But
Daett
, this cannot be. I—”

Mamm
hushed Susanna with a wave of her hand. “Listen to what your father has to say.”

Daett
's face was white, and
Mamm
touched his arm as he continued. “Once I tell you what I have to say, you will understand, and I think you will agree to Ernest's offer.”
Daett
hung his head for a moment. “The truth is, you are my daughter, Susanna, but
Mamm
is not your mother. That is what we have never told you. You were born of an
Englisha
woman before
Mamm
and I were married. Your real
mamm
was a girl named Mindy Whithus who died shortly after your birth. You were taken care of by other people until Linda agreed to marry me. After our wedding, you came to live with us, and
Mamm
has always done her best to treat you as if she had birthed you.”

Susanna let out a gasp as
Daett
continued. “I know this is a shock
to you, but I did what I thought was the best. I always will be grateful to Linda for her love and her willingness to accept me as a husband after such a sin. You should also be grateful for how Linda has taken you in as her own daughter, all without complaining or interfering with how I have raised you. I can only say how really sorry I am. I know that you have not sinned, Susanna, and that some of your troubles are a result of my own sin. Even so, Ernest has agreed to do for you what Linda did for me. Ernest will take you as his
frau
if you are willing. He will love you, and together you will bury the past. If you think anything else can be done, Susanna, you are wrong. None of the other young men from the community will take you as their
frau
. If you haven't already noticed, then I can assure you this is true. Their parents will not allow them to marry a girl who has wild
Englisha
blood in her. And please don't protest, Susanna. You have not helped in this matter. Even this afternoon when you left with this Joey fellow, you have shown us beyond a doubt that this is true. Something must be done or you will jump the fence into the world and be lost from us forever. Ernest is a kind man to consider taking you as his
frau
under these circumstances. And a brave man, I must say. We will all be forever in his debt.”

Daett
paused and dropped his gaze while
Mamm
glanced toward Susanna. Only now, this wasn't her
mamm
. The thought tore through Susanna and left a fiery trail in its wake. How could this be? How could it be that her real
mamm
was an
Englisha
girl?

Ernest spoke for the first time. “I believe we can make it together, Susanna. I know this is a shock to you, and I had my doubts whether this was the best way to approach things. I most desperately had wished to begin our relationship under different circumstances, but your
daett
has assured me that there isn't much time. He thinks this is the best way to handle things. He wants you to know that I am willing to stand by you. I hope you understand.”

Susanna tried to focus. Had Ernest spoken to her? The living room spun in slow circles around her. She tried to speak, but no sound came out of her mouth.
Mamm
's hand reached for hers, but the gas lantern on the ceiling slowly dimmed and Susanna felt herself sliding sideways on the couch.
Daett
's concerned cry was the last thing Susanna heard.

Chapter Nine

T
he next few days seemed to drag by as Susanna wrestled with the news that would change her life forever. What else in her world was not what she thought it was? The very question brought her to the edge of fresh tears.

The following Sunday morning dawned with a clear sky, and a slight breeze blew in from the Adirondacks. The smell of cedar and spring was heavy in the air. Susanna closed the window of her upstairs bedroom and then climbed back into bed and pulled the heavy quilt over her head. She had left the kitchen after the breakfast dishes were finished. If she didn't go back down soon,
Mamm
would be up to check on her, but Susanna would not go to the church services today.
Mamm
had to know that. The shame was too great. Plus, she still couldn't think straight. Since she had passed out that evening on the living room couch, the horror of who she really was gripped her—and to think that most of the community knew all along. The ones from
Mamm
and
Daett
's generation had kept the origin of her birth a secret, divulging the information only to their sons if they showed an interest in her. This was why no community man had asked her home from the hymn singing.

Surely by now everyone knew that she had wild
Englisha
blood. Those had been
Daett
's own words last Sunday night. Nothing could change that. If she had behaved herself in her
rumspringa
time, the past might have been overlooked—but she had stretched the limits of what was permissible. Even if she hadn't, she might have never received a decent marriage proposal from an Amish man. The truth was, she was an outcast.

Susanna buried her face in the quilt, but this time no tears came. Tears were a thing of the past. She had cried for three days straight last week. At least she had thought to send Henry to tell Mr. Kenny that she would not be in for work this week at DeKalb Building Supply.

“She's not feeling well,” Henry had told Mr. Kenny.

Mr. Kenny had sent word back. “Tell Susanna we hope she gets better.”

But she wouldn't get better. Not from this. There was only a cold numbness that filled her body. Her family had shown her nothing but tenderness, but that only made matters worse. Wasn't kindness part of the reason she was in trouble? If
Daett
hadn't given her so much leeway in her
rumspringa
time, maybe she wouldn't have met Joey and his family. And then she wouldn't have…

A soft knock on the bedroom door made Susanna pull the quilt higher over her head.

“Susanna,”
Mamm
called.

Susanna buried her face deeper.

The doorknob turned and
Mamm
's footsteps approached. “Susanna, you must get dressed. We will leave for the service when the men finish the chores.”
Mamm
paused. “You are going along. You have to face the people sometime.”

Susanna didn't answer.

Mamm
tugged on the quilt. “This is no way to behave, Susanna.
We've given you plenty of room to adjust all week, but things are what they are, and it's time you faced them.”

Susanna jerked the quilt off her head to answer. “That I am an
Englisha
girl?”

“No!”
Mamm
was horrified. “You are not an
Englisha
girl, so stop acting like one.”

“You heard what
Daett
said.” Susanna's eyes blazed. “I have wild
Englisha
blood in me.”

Mamm
's face clouded. “Your
Daett
is not always wise in his choice of words, as he once wasn't in his choice of girlfriends. But he is still your
daett
, and you are still his daughter.”

BOOK: Until I Love Again
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