Volpone and Other Plays (65 page)

The watch comes in
.

What are you, sir?

BRISTLE
: We be men, and no infidels. what is the matter here, and the noises? Can you tell?

160    
WASP
: Heart, what ha' you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quiet-ness, but he must be put out on't by you? what are you?

         
BRISTLE
: Why, we be His majesty's watch, sir.

         
WASP
: Watch? 'Sblood, you are a sweet watch, indeed. a body would think, an' you watched well a-nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a-day. Get you to your fleas and your
flock-beds
, you rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.

          
BRISTLE
: Down? yes, we will down, I warrant you - down with him in his Majesty's name, down, down with him, and carry him away to the
pigeon-holes
!

               
[
BRISTLE
and
POACHER
seize
WASP
.]

170   
MISTRESS OVERDO
: I thank you, honest friends, in the behalf o' the Crown and the peace, and in master Overdo's name, for suppressing enormities.

WHIT
: Stay, Bristle, here ish a noder brash o'; drunkards, but very quiet, special drunkards, will pay dee five shillings very well take. ' em to dee, in de graish o' God. one of' em does change cloth for ale in the Fair here, te toder ish a strong man, a mighty man, my Lord mayor's man, and a wrestler. he Has wrestled so long with the bottle, here, that the
man with the beard
hash almost streek up hish heelsh.

180    
BRISTLE
: 'slid, the
clerk o' the market
has been to cry him all the fair over, here, for my Lord's service.

WHIT
: Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh and make ty best on him.

[
Exit the
WATCH
with
WASP, NORTHERN
,
and
PUPPY
.]

          How now, woman o' shilk, vat ailsh ty shweet faish? art tou mealancholy?

MISTRESS OVERDO
: A little distempered with these enormities.

          Shall I entreat a courtesy of you, Captain?

           
WHIT
: Entreat a hundred, velvet voman, I vill do it; shpeak out.

MISTRESS OVERDO
: I cannot with modesty speak it out, but -

[
Whispers
.]

          
WHIT
: I vill do it, and more, and more, for dee. what, urs'la,

190       an't be bitch, an't be bawd, an't be!

[
Enter
URSULA
.]

          URSULA: How now, rascal? what roar you for, old pimp?

          
WHIT
[
to
URSULA
]: Here, put up de cloaks, Ursh; de purchase; pre dee now, shweet ursh, help dis good brave voman to a jordan, an't be.

          
URSULA
: 'Slid, call your captain Jordan to her, can you not?

200 
WHIT
: Nay, pre dee leave dy consheits, and bring the velvet woman to de -

          
URSULA
: I bring her! Hang her! Heart, must I find a common pot for every punk i' your
purlieus
?

          
WHIT
: O good voordsh, Ursh; it ish a guest o' velvet, i' fait la.

     
URSULA
. Let her sell her hood and buy a sponge, with a pox to her. My vessel is employed, sir. I have but one, and 'tis the bottom of an old bottle. An honest proctor and his wife are at it, within; if she'll stay her time, so.

[
Exit
URSULA
.]

          
WHIT
: As soon ash tou cansht, shweet Ursh. of a valiant man I tink I am the patientsh man i' the world, or in all Smithfield.

[
Re-enter
KNOCKEM
.]

          
KNOCKEM
: How now, Whit? close vapours, stealing your
leaps
?

Covering
in corners, ha?

   
WHIT
: No, fait, Captain, dough tou beesht a vishe man, dy vit is

210     a mile hence, now. I vas procuring a shmall courtesy for a woman of fashion here.

          
MISTRESS OVERDO
: Yes, Captain, though I am Justice of Peace's wife, I do love men of war and the sons of the sword, when they come before my husband.

          
KNOCKEM
: Say'st thou so, filly? Thou shalt have a leap presently;

I' ll horse thee myself, else.

     [
Re-enter
URSULA
,
followed by
LITTLEWIT
and
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.]

URSULA
: Come, will you bring her in now? and let her take her turn?

WHIT
: Gramercy, good Ursh, I tank dee.

220 
MISTRESS OVERDO
: Master Overdo shall thank her.

[
Exit
.]

       [
LITTLEWIT:
] Good Gammer Urs, Win and I are exceedingly beholden to you, and to Captain Jordan and Captain Whit. Win, i' ll be bold to leave you i' this good company, Win, for half an hour or so, win, While i go and see how my matter goes forward, and if the puppets be perfect; and then I' ll come and fetch you, Win.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Will you leave me alone with two men, John?

LITTLEWIT
: Ay, they are honest gentlemen, Win, Captain
   Jordan and Captain Whit; they' ll use you very civilly, Win; God b' w' you, Win.

[
Exit
.]

URSULA
[
to
ENOCKEM
and
HIT
]:
What, 's
her husband gone?

KNOCKEM
: On his false gallop, Urs, away.

URSULA
: An' you be right Barthol' mew-birds, now show yourselves so: we are undone for want of fowl i' the Fair, here. here will be ' Zekiel Edgworth and three or four gallants with him at night, and I ha' neither
plover nor quail
for ' em. Persuade this between you two to become a
bird o' the game
, while I work the velvet woman within, as you call her.

20  
ENOCKEM
: I conceive thee, urs! go thy ways.

[
Exit
URSULA
.]

               Dost thou hear, Whit? is't not pity my delicate dark chestnut here – with the fine lean head, large forehead, round eyes, even mouth, sharp ears, long neck, thin crest, close withers, plain back, deep sides, short fillets, and full flanks; with a round belly, a plump buttock, large thighs, knit knees, straight legs, short pasterns, smooth hoofs, and short heels – should lead a dull honest woman's life, that might live the life of a lady?

WHIT
: Yes, by my fait and trot it is, Captain. De honesht woman's life is a scurvy dull life, indeed la.

30 
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: How, sir? Is an honest woman's life a scurvy life?

WHIT
: Yes, fait, shweetheart, believe him, de leef of a bond-woman! But if dou vilt harken to me, I vill make tee a free-woman and a lady. Dou shalt live like a lady, as te Captain saish.

KNOCKEM
: Ay, and be honest too, sometimes; have her
wires
and her
tires
, her
green gowns
and velvet petticoats.

WHIT
: Ay, and ride to Ware and Rumford i' dy coash, shee de players, be in love vit ' em; sup vit gallantsh, be drunk, and cost de noting.

40  
KNOCKEM
: Brave vapours!

WHIT
: And lie by twenty on ' em, if dou pleash, shweetheart.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: What, and be honest still? That were fine sport.

WHIT
: Tish common, shweetheart; tou may'st do it, by my hand. It shall be justified to ty husband's fairh, now; tou shalt be as honesht as the skin between his hornsh, la!

KNOCKEM
: Yes, and wear a dressing,
top and top-gallant
, to compare with e' er a husband on ' em all, for a
fore-top
. It is the vapour of spirit in the wife to cuckold, nowadays, as it is the

50          vapour of fashion in the husband not to suspect. Your prying cat-eyed-citizen is an abominable vapour.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Lord, what a fool have I been!

WHIT
: Mend, then, and do everyting like a lady hereafter; never know ty husband from another man.

KNOCKEM
: Nor any one man from another, but i' the dark.

WHIT
: Ay, and then it ish no dishgrash to know any man.

[
Re-enter
URSULA
.]

URSULA
: Help, help here!

KNOCKEM
: How now? What vapour's there?

URSULA
: O, you are a sweet ranger! and look well to your walks!

60     Yonder is your punk of Turnbull, Ramping ahce, has fall'n upon the poor gentlewoman within, and pulled her hood over her ears, and her hair through it.

ALICE
enters, beating the Justice's wife
.

MISTRESS OVERDO
: Help, help, i' the King's name!

PUNK ALICE
: A mischief on you, they are such as you are that undo us, and take our trade from us, with your tuft taffeta haunches.

KNOCKEM
: How now, Alice!

PUNK ALICE
: The poor common whores can ha' no traffic for the privy rich ones; your caps and hoods of velvet call away our

70          customers and lick the fat from us.

URSULA
: Peace, you foul ramping jade, you –

PUNK ALICE
: Od's foot, you bawd
in grease
, are you talking?

KNOCKEM
: Why, Alice, I say.

PUNK ALICE
: Thou sow of Smithfield, thou!

URSULA
: Thou tripe of Turnbull!

KNOCKEM
:
Cat-a-mountain
vapours! ha!

URSULA
: You know where you were
tawed
lately, both lashed and slashed you were in Bridewell.

PUNK ALICE
: Ay, by the same token, you
rid
that week, and

80        broke out the bottom o' the cart,
night-tub
.

KNOCKEM
: Why, lion face! ha! do you know who I am? Shall I tear ruf, sut
waistcoat
, make rags of petticoat? Ha! go to, vanish, for fear of vapours. Whit, a kick, Whit, in the parting vapour.

[
They kick out
PUNK ALICE.]

Come, brave woman, take a good heart, thou shalt be a lady, too.

WHIT
: Yes, fait, dey shall all both be ladies and write Madam. I vill do't myself for dem. Do is the vord, and D is the middle letter of Madam. DD, put ' em together and make deeds, without which

90         all words are alike, la.

KNOCKEM
: 'Tis true. Urs'la, take ' em in, open thy wardrobe, and fit ' em to their calling. Green gowns, crimson petticoats, green women! My Lord Mayor's green women! guests o' the game, true bred. I' ll provide you a coach to take the air in.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: But do you think you can get one?

KNOCKEM
: O, they are as common as wheelbarrows where there are great dunghills. Every pettifogger's wife has ' em; for first he buys a coach, that he may marry, and then he marries that he may be made cuckold in't. For if their wives ride not to their

100      cuckolding, they do ' em no credit. Hide and be hidden; ride and be ridden, says the vapour of experience.

[
Exeunt
URSULA, MISTRESS LITTLEWIT,
and
MISTRESS OVERDO.]

[
Enter
TROUBLE-ALL.]

TROUBLE-ALL
: By what warrant does it say so?

KNOCKEM
: Ha! mad child o' the Pie-powders, art thou there? Fill us a fresh can, Urs; we may drink together.

TROUBLE-ALL
: I may not drink without a warrant, Captain.

KNOCKEM
: 'Slood, thou'll not stale without a warrant, shortly. Whit, give me pen, ink, and paper. I' ll draw him a warrant
presently
.

TROUBLE-ALL
: It must be Justice Overdo's.

KNOCKEM
: I know, man. Fetch the drink, Whit.

[KNOCKEM
writes on a paper
.]

10  
WHIT
: I pre dee now, be very brief, Captain; for de new ladies stay for dee.

KNOCKEM
gives
TROUBLE-ALL
the paper
.]

KNOCKEM
: O, as brief as can be; here 'tis already. ‘Adam Overdo.'

TROUBLE-ALL
: Why, now I' ll pledge you, Captain.

KNOCKEM
: Drink it off. I' ll come to thee, anon, again.

[
Exit
KNOCKEM
into Ursula's booth. Exit
TROUBLE-ALL.
Enter
QUARLOUS, EDGWORTH.]

QUARLOUS
: Well, sir, you are now discharged;                      QUARLOUS beware of being spied, hereafter.
to the cutpurse
.

BDGWORTH
: Sir, will it please you enter in here at Urs'la's and
take
part of a silken gown, a velvet petticoat, or a wrought