Wish for You (12 page)

I exhale. “That would be great.”

Ella flashes me a knowing look. “Anything else I can do?”

“
I’ll let you know.” I pause for a second, and then force out what I don’t want to say. “Actually, I do. I need you to help me find Lacey a date for tomorrow night.”

***

Later that night, after Lacey comes home, I lie in my bed and listen to the sounds she makes. I hear her sigh as she pulls off her shoes, the little groan she makes as she settles back on the sofa, the muttering under her breath as she gets back up and makes herself dinner in the kitchen. She sings while she washes the dishes, something I hadn’t known about her.

My phone rings, and Lacey answers with a surprised, “Momma!” They talk for a while, Lacey’s voice echoing a bit as she moves from room to room. Her skates hit the floor with a thud.

I smile. These are the sounds of the woman that makes my house a home.

My smile fades, and my chest starts to ache. Those are the sounds of the woman I don’t deserve.

I take another drink, my second bottle of sake almost empty.

“
Stop beating yourself up, bro
,” Nathan says, standing at the foot of my bed. His blue eyes are alive tonight. “
Talk to the doc and see what he says
.”

“
Doesn’t matter what he says,” I say softly. “I’ve done really bad things.”

“
War is nothing, but a series of bad things for a good cause.”

“
Not just war, bro. All the other stuff.” My voice cracks a little, and tears prick at my eyes like sharp little swords. “I’m so ashamed. I’m a pathetic loser.”

Smiling sadly, Nathan begins to fade.
“Don’t let all the other stuff win.”
His image disappears completely, and I blink the tears away.

I drain the bottle, and set it on the nightstand beside my bed. “Already has.”

***

The next morning, after a pot of coffee, I head for Dr. Lewis’ for an unscheduled visit. He’s agreed to fit me in, so I have time to drive Lacey to the airport. She’d already left for class by the time I’d gotten up, so I didn’t have to face her first thing.

I park my truck and get out. Dr. Lewis is waiting for me by the front door.

“
My secretary doesn’t come in until ten.”

I rub the back of my neck and flash an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that.”

“
Don’t be sorry for asking for help or wanting to talk,” he says. “It’s better than suffering in silence.”

Is that what he thinks I’ve been doing? Ha! “In any case, thanks for seeing me.”

We walk to his office, and he offers me the usual—coffee, juice, or water. I decline it all, as usual. Then we sit, and he waits for me to talk.

“
I want to be a good friend to Lacey,” I finally say. “One that doesn’t have an agenda to change her mind about anything.”

Dr. Lewis nods. “What kind of agenda do you plan to have?”

“
The kind where I man up and face facts.”

“
And those would be?”

I’ll never be good enough for her. “That she only wants to be friends with me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Because I’ve made the worst choices possible.

“
Does this mean you’ll keep talking to her and spending time with her?”

Even if it kills me. “I’ll do whatever she allows.”

Dr. Lewis smiles, but it’s not triumphant. It’s actually a little sad, like he feels sorry for me. “You’re a good man, Wyatt. I knew you’d come to the right conclusion.”

I’m not a good man, and this conclusion is killing me. I lean forward in my chair, balancing my elbows on my thighs, and clasping my hands together. “I’m taking Lacey out tonight. I thought it would be a good time to introduce her to a buddy of mine. He’s a… nice guy.”

Actually, he’s not my buddy, and Ella was the one to describe him as a nice guy. I hope to God she means boring and safe, the kind of guy you take home to your mom, but quickly lose interest in because he’s too good to be true. Too good to put his hands on Lacey. If he puts his hands on Lacey, I’ll break off his fingers and feed them to him, one by one.

“
That’s a good start.”

“
I think so.” Then, if he tried to kiss her, I could cut off his lips and shove them up his ass.

We talk for a few minutes more, and then I leave.

I can do this. Lacey can go out on a date. I can make sure the guy behaves, and we will all have a really good time, since Ella will be coming along as my plus one.

Chapter Thirteen

Lacey

Instead of going to my old house, my parents ask me to meet them at the airport terminal. I’m thankful for this, because my anxiety is already clawing at me, making my heart race and my palms damp. I wipe my hands on my jeans, concentrating on breathing and the song on the radio. I’m pretty sure it would have been worse had we said our good-byes at home.

Toby Mac is playing on the radio as Wyatt drives. Toby Mac is not a musician Wyatt normally listens to since the guy sings Christian alternative rock, but for me, Wyatt will listen to anything.

And that fact makes me even more miserable.

“
Your dad called while you were in the shower,” Wyatt says, pulling into one of the parking decks. “He said to meet them here, instead of inside.”

I make a face, irritated. Of course he did. Anything to make sure Lacey doesn’t make a scene. Irritation gives way to guilt. My parents are only thinking of me. They have never been embarrassed, only concerned and bewildered. When I was much younger, they took me to a specialist and then another. All they could say was that I had anxiety issues, and to revisit those issues when I was a little older.

I became older, and we visited another specialist… same diagnosis, same advice, except his came with a “maybe she’ll grow out of it.” But I know there’s some more to it; I know that normal people don’t freak out when their parents move or when they can’t find the shirt they’d laid out the night before to wear. And I don’t just mean a snit or a hissy fit, but heart racing, body going rigid, tugging on my hair, screaming and screaming… I take a deep breath.

Be brave. Be Strong. Have faith. That’s all I can do.

My parents’ big, white conversion van comes into view, my brothers and sisters lined up like little soldiers. They remind me of the kids at the beginning of
The Sound of Music
, but my siblings are all smiling. Well, except Hanna. She’s not thrilled about going, but she’s resigned.

Wyatt parks beside the van, and I jump out before he turns to cut the engine. Joy, Adam, Anna, and David hug me first; their chubby little arms are such a comfort and such heartache. When I see them again, they’ll be skinnier, the baby fat all gone, and who knows if they’ll still want to hug me like this.

I swallow the tears that will do no good and just make the little ones cry, too. They always cry when I do.

“
Be good for Mom and Dad,” I whisper, burying my face into the closest redhead. One thing about the Evans’ kids, we always stuck out with our various shades of red hair. “Write me, and I’ll write you back.”

“
Wove you, Wacey,” Benjamin says, his freckled face all sad as he joins in with the rest.

Sarah grabs my hand, and Joy moves to the side to let her have a turn. “Me too.”

Then Beatrice and Michael, twins in middle school, say their good-byes as well.

Hanna is the last to come to me. Her strawberry blond hair is perfectly held back with a black headband, a sign of her mourning. “I don’t hate you,” she says. “I just wish I could stay and find a guy like Wyatt.”

Face heating, I glance at Wyatt. He stands by my parents, tall and gorgeous, his hands in his pockets as he looks on. He gives me a little smile, but it buoys my heart and gives me strength.

“
You will find someone,” I assure her, though I don’t think I should be the one assuring anyone of anything. I had never had a boyfriend before Wyatt. I had never been kissed before Wyatt.

Saddest of all, I can’t imagine kissing anyone who isn’t Wyatt.

Wyatt walks over then, helping Hanna entertain the kids so I can say good-bye to my parents.

My mom smiles at me. It’s both sad and hopeful. “Two years isn’t that long,” she says. “Remember when Wyatt left, and you said it would be an eternity until you saw him again?”

I nod in answer, tears filling my eyes. I blink, and they begin to fall. “Yeah, and it felt like it.”

“
Don’t cry, Lacey Lou,” my dad says, calling me by his silly nickname. “We’ll get to visit at Thanksgiving. That’s only ten months away.”

“
Leaving Turkey for turkey,” I reply, earning a chuckle from my parents. I grin a little, tears still falling. So far, so good. My heart is fine, my palms aren’t too damp, and I don’t feel a need to comfort myself by tugging on my hair.

Maybe the doctors were right; maybe I’m finally on track to outgrow the anxiety attacks.

“
We love you, and we’re so proud of the woman you’ve become,” my mom says. “I know you’ll continue to do amazing things.”

“
Be brave, be strong, and have faith, Lacey Lou,” my dad says, repeating the family motto.

Their arms come around me, and I breathe them in, knowing that I’ll forget the smallest of things about them until they come back again. It had happened with Wyatt after he left, and I’d felt so guilty. Now I know it’s how a heart reconciles itself to loss; it’s how a heart makes it easier. I couldn’t imagine living each day, breathing Wyatt’s scent and thinking he was there, only to remember that he wasn’t. Only to remember that he was still in a war and bullets were being shot at him.

“
I will,” I promise, my voice more steady than shaky. “But you have to promise to do the same.”

One last hug from everyone and they’re off, heading to the terminal. The older ones are holding hands with the smaller ones. Mom and Dad are carrying the youngest two.

Benjamin turns at the last minute, waving at me. I wave back, tears falling harder. My knees start to shake a little, and my hands begin to clench and unclench. A gust of wind blows, and my hair whips in front of my face. I fight the urge to catch it, to wrap it around my fingers and tug.

Strong arms come around me, and I welcome his strength. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t give me any reassurances, because he knows those won’t help me. His chin comes to rest on the top of my head. I swear that while I’m watching my family disappear inside, somehow he brushes his lips against my hair.

“
We can stay here for as long as you want,” he says, and that’s exactly what I need to hear. I don’t want to be rushed or told to suck it up. “I’ll keep you warm since you forgot your coat.”

“’
Kay.” I’m not sure how long we stand there, but I imagine it’s long enough for me to be able to pretend that the plane taking off in the distance is the one carrying my family. The one taking them to the known and then the unknown. The one taking them from me.

Breathe out, breathe in. I do this over and over, until I feel calm enough to talk. “I don’t know what I would have done without you,” I admit, turning around in his arms to look up at him. His dark eyes are gorgeous and mysterious. For once, I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling.

“
I’m always here for you, with whatever you need.”

“
Thank you.” I allow myself to draw on his warmth and pretend he’s mine. That touching me like this is as natural as breathing. That hugging me is a prelude to a kiss. That the inevitable kiss leads to so much more, to him holding me all night, to me kissing him, exploring him and—If only this were real. If only wishes came true.

He lets me go and steps away. So much for wishing. “Ready to go to dinner?”

“
Can we go home instead?” I ask as we walk to his truck. He opens my door, and I climb in.

“
Thought you might say that, so I already arranged for take out to be delivered from Tanaka’s.” He smiles a little. “Actually, I have to give credit to my parents. They offered.”

“
That’s nice of them.” I close my eyes and lean against the seat, emotionally exhausted, as he shuts the door. I hear his door open, and then close. I hear the engine roar to life, and my Toby Mac CD starts playing again. I focus on that, on the words and the lyrics, trying to be brave and strong, and to have faith.