Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (2 page)

UDGD crosses his arms with an
initially-disapproving stare. Most of the treasure they have looks
non-manly, and just plain weird. There are piles and piles of
useless baubles, bronze and cheap-metal items, and a single copy of
the first book in the Oscar La’Coss book series, a novel in which
he has no interest in reading. A matter of fact, so little of it
looks good to loot and sell at a local vendor that UDGD feels he
may just tear out the hearts of the beast-men, make a chair out of
their furry corpses, and then just sell that instead. He was just
about to yell in their faces and kill them all, except he spots
something in the pile that catches his eye- a scroll.

“And what would this be?” UDGD asks
with a curious glare. The beast-men shuffle about nervously until
one that knows what it is looks at the object UDGD is pointing
at.

“Tis a map... sir,” it responds, head
hanging low out of respect.

“A map t’what?” he asks the beast man
while tapping his foot in thought as he extends his hand to take
it. The beast man humbly creeps forward and places the rolled up
scroll in his hand.

“To a great treasure spoken of by our
ancestors. Tis said to be a fountain that produces unlimited
amounts of the purest of manly fluids.”

“Gross.”

“Nay sir, you misunderstand. I speak of
testosterone, the essence of manliness,” the beast corrects,
reversing UDGD's stance on the subject. The two warriors are taken
aback slightly. HTO is taken aback much more of course, because he
is not nearly as manly as UDGD, who only displays his surprise with
an even more morbid scowl. While he does his best not to show it,
UDGD is actually quite excited about the idea of gaining unlimited
manly power.

“I'll be keepin’ this,” he says as he
looks over the map. It’s tough to decipher- the geography looks
absolutely nothing like what he is familiar with.

“Tis contained in another subspace
realm, sir. Only the most experienced of orienteers could find
it.”

“Yeah, great,” UDGD says, putting the
map in one of his in-armor compartments, sliding out to reveal an
open hatch. He turns to leave, HTO following promptly behind, and
only looks back at the beast-folk to say one last thing:

“Yeah, and stop punching people in the
face, that's my job,” he says, causing a sweet industrial “Da dun,
da duuuuun” accompaniment from the unseen Subspace Orchestra. The
beasts all fall to their knees in reverence- they know well that
only a serious badass can make the invisible orchestra that
persists through all of subspace play music with that level of
awesomeness. UDGD and HTO make their way back through the hall and
out of the temple. Going down the steps, HTO turns to his
comrade.

“So, now that we're done with the
quest, we just split the money fifty-fifty and you keep the map?”
HTO smirks at who he sees as a friend after only a single mission.
UDGD snorts out air with a frown, and stops at the bottom of the
steps to look HTO in the eyes.

“Ninety-ten” UDGD responds, crossing
his arms with stoic certainty. HTO’s eyes widen, and he stutters
like a big baby for a moment before composing proper
words.

“Ninety-ten” That's insane! I killed
more than you!” HTO throws his hand to his rapier hilt with an
alert stare.

“Yeah, but the kids and babe would've
died if it weren't for me killing th’boss.”

“Fifty-fifty is what we agreed on! You
should be grateful you got a professional fencer for that
price!”

“And you should respect th’ fact I'm a
better warrior than you, n’deserve more,” UDGD says, leaning
forward without expression. HTO meets his own forehead to his
comrade's.

“Oh yeah?!” HTO flexes for the sword
draw.

“Yeah,” UDGD says, cracking his
knuckles.

“Y-yeah!!?”

“Yeah.”

“WELL I T-THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO THINK
TWICE ABOUT THIS!”

“ ‘N why’s that?”

“B-BECAUSE I'LL TELL THE AUTHORITIES!”
The moment this halting statement exit's Heart Tearer Outer's
mouth, UDGD sighs.

“You'll tell the authorities? Pretty
lame, man. I had a feeling you were a sissy.”

“I'm not a sissy!” HTO
shouts.

“Yeah?”

“YEAH!”

“Prove it, bitch-ass, turn right around
n’tell ‘em. See what it gets ya’,” UDGD says as he moves his right
hand to retrieve his axe. His cold, obsidian stare makes HTO
freeze, think logically for a moment and then avert his gaze.
“That's what I thought. So ninety-ten it is,” UDGD says with only
the slightest of smirks. HTO sighs and nods as the two of them make
their way back to the town.

CHAPTER TWO: GET OUT OF MY
WAY!

The two entering the city of Liuil,
there is already a crowd of people gathered around the school
children and the teacher- everyone celebrating their return. One of
the kids spots UDGD and HTO pass by and points the two
out.

“That’s the guy!” he says, turning the
gaze of the entire crowd. UDGD sighs and continues walking as a
wave of cheering erupts from the group. HTO is surprised UDGD is
not soaking in the glory of being a hero; maybe he is so cold
because that is part of his image. HTO nods to himself, content
with his self-made answer, and follows UDGD past the crowd and into
the local Taskman's Guild- the place mercenaries go get their jobs,
get drunk, or get killed.

UDGD kicks open the door with senseless
strength, turning the heads of the other mercenaries in the
building. It is a drab, dark-wood hall, washed over with the scent
of ales and blood.

“Yo, Death!”

“Hey, Death.”

“Death, nice to see you,” are a few of
the addresses given to UDGD amongst the other mercs. UDGD ignores
the greetings, maintaining his manly and badass composure, and
walks up to the task desk. A bored looking woman, looking about her
early thirties, looks over to UDGD.

“You got 'em?” she asks, already
knowing the answer, but having to ask regardless, as per
regulation.

“Yeah,” UDGD says with that famous
scowl on his face. The girl sighs and nods. UDGD has never failed a
mission, at least in all her time of working as the task manager. A
matter of fact, he has completed so many missions, that he is
actually the number four mercenary in the entirety of the
city.

The #1 mercenary is a man who is rarely
mentioned let alone seen, a legend among the others, and has
completed only thirty three major missions more than UDGD. UDGD, of
course, wants the #1 position a good deal, as the #1 ranking
mercenary is declared a national treasure by the city's government,
and is paid just to be alive. For a second so slight, and a
movement so mild, UDGD smiles, but no one in the building sees him
do so. He is so close to his goal, and soon he will be the #1
mercenary in the city if he keeps his head in it. He just needs to
take thirty three more major jobs.

“Nice job, Death,” the lady says as she
hulks up a large bag of sin, pressed coins of varying metals, on
the table. UDGD grabs the bag, and looks through it a moment,
sorting out HTO's share.

“Thanks,” he says as he hands to HTO a
measly 55 sins. HTO takes the money with a hint of contempt on his
face, thinking he needs the money a lot more than the #4 mercenary
in the city; he must be absolutely loaded, HTO thinks. UDGD re-ties
the bag filled with sins and stuffs it into one of his sizable
armor compartments. He turns back to the lady and clears his
throat.

“Hey, babe,” UDGD starts, usually not
one to care about learning the names of people. The woman, whose
name is actually “Firi” for the curious Reader's reference,
twitches for a moment and turns.

“Yeah, guy?” she responds, attempting
to pay him back even slightly with the disrespect she’s been shown;
she doesn’t mind being called “babe”, it’s more so that it’s been
years and UDGD still forgets her name.

“I got a map here, ya' think ya’ could
find out if anyone in the guild knows how t' read it?” UDGD says as
he takes out the scroll he confiscated from the beast-men earlier,
and places it crudely in Firi’s outstretched hand. The woman,
dressed in colors particularly decadent for the usually earthy
city, looks over the map for just a moment and then looks
up.

“I'll see what I can do,” she responds,
0% of excitement or interest displayed in her dark green
eyes.

“Thanks, I'll be back in an hour,”
explains UDGD as he turns from the desk and gives a casual wave
off. HTO, standing in place, watches UDGD walk out of the guildhall
and turns to Firi.

“Can you believe that guy? He's such a
prick!” HTO says with a less-than-manly pout as he grips the hilt
of his rapier. Firi shrugs.

“I can believe anything,” she claims
with a worldly, cynical smirk, “besides, he’s not the worst guy we
have around here.” HTO nods, not really listening to her, but still
accepting her answer. He is much too preoccupied with thinking
about how he got cheated by UDGD to care about the opinions of
others.

“Yeah, well, see ya,” HTO says to the
lady, who simply bows her head as he makes his own exit.

HTO makes his way down the smelly,
unkempt streets of Liuil's lower quarters, and grumbles rather
impolite words under his breath as he walks the short, one-minute
trek to his apartment. He enters, pays no mind to the kind greeting
of the innkeeper's wife, and walks upstairs to his small, one room
place of residence.

Now in the privacy of his own holdings,
HTO closes the door, locks it, and then smashes his foot into the
floor. Being an old building, the boards give way directly under
his strike. HTO cusses frantically seeing he just made a new hole
in the floor. He pulls his foot out of the boarding, walks over to
his couch, also serving as his bed, and crashes down in his full
armor, staring at the roof in thought.

“How dare that bastard cheat me! We had
an agreement, dammit!” He boils in his mind as he slowly reaches
for his small coin purse. Pulling it out, he looks at the small
purse with a dull gaze, as if he were staring at nothing at all.
HTO sighs, and reaches below the couch. He opens a small safe
underneath, and empties the sin inside.

It is a hard life for poor Super Manly
Heart Tearer Outer, for certain. In earlier years, life was comfy
enough, but his aspirations for adventure did not line up with his
father’s desire for him to take on the family business, and so he
struck off on his own. Eating rice and noodles every day is
definitely not his idea of a good living, especially when he was
raised off of steak and steamed vegetables. Ever since he left to
go out on his own, he has been met with nothing but misfortune; he
wonders if his life will ever turn around. His joining the
mercenary’s guild was easy enough, but he had to deal with so much
waiting between missions that he can barely make ends meet through
the work. He remains barely respected, barely called upon and
barely remembered by any soul in the Omniverse; this is something
he hates almost as much as not being able to eat the way he likes
to.

HTO stares at the mildewed walls of his
tiny apartment for a few seconds, deep in thought, and decides that
he is going to change this. The young, blond man sits up and then
sighs again. He wonders how exactly is he going to change fix this
problem? HTO, a twenty four year old living in the dumps, strokes
his chin a moment in thought. Very gradually, a smile forms across
his face, and it is a manly smile.

CHAPTER THREE: WE NEED A
TEAM

An hour later, UDGD enters the guild
hall again and makes his way up to Firi. The moment the Morbid
Axeman enters her view, she perks up, hoping this moment becomes
the highlight of her day.

“Well?” UDGD says as he crosses his
arms and frowns, sending across the message that he will chop Firi
in half if she does not respond. Firi places her coupled hands on
the desk in front of her, and speaks.

“I found out something pretty cool,”
she says simply, a sly smirk crossing her lips.

“Yeah, and?”

“And you'll have to make me want to
tell you,” she adds, quickly getting to the point as she eyes over
to his left breast, the compartment where she knows he keeps his
money. UDGD scowls fiercely, and for a moment contemplates tearing
her head off. However, this is a place of civility; he decides
against it. Regardless of this, he can still make her think he’s
not afraid to do it. UDGD snorts out hot air and intensifies his
gaze on Firi's eyes like hands around a throat. Firi maintains her
condescending expression of victory for only a few more seconds,
when she feels a chill run down her spine.

“I c'n wait all day for ya’ t’get off
duty,” UDGD says, pushing out breath that smells like burning ash.
Firi's expression slowly turns into one of concern. She has never
seen UDGD angry, and she certainly does not find the idea very
comforting. She decides that a small bit of bribe money is not
worth being torn in half in a secluded alleyway later
tonight.

“Eheh! I was just kidding… you know!
You know how I love to play around, right?” Firi says with a
sheepish grin. UDGD's expression is unmoved, causing her to
continue. “Yeah... right. Well, I checked around, and it was really
the strangest thing that you’s ask now because, only for today,
there is a traveling mercenary that can apparently read any
unmarked map and identify its location. Nuts right?” Firi confides.
There is a quick spark in UDGD's obsidian-colored eyes.