Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (20 page)

“Ahh, gotcha,” SISY says the moment
before he shovels in another half-pound of bacon.

“Indeed. So I was having difficulty
with the fight, and was pushed to my limits. I’m not certain if I
would have lived if DTO and UDGD did not rush in, but thankfully
they did. They heard the fighting below them and came down to take
a look. The moment they saw me fighting the generator, they too
joined in the fight. It was a hard battle for certain, but we won
out and caused the generator to explode. I was further away from
the blast, so I was not covered in the blue powder that you have
all over you. You were both knocked out from the intense explosion,
so I made sure you were both okay, took you both to your respective
rooms, repaired the generator, and went to sleep until it was time
for breakfast. That’s what happened. Do you remember now?” IMRM
claims, pensively resting his patient hands on the table. DTO
stares at the others for a moment, and then slaps his
forehead.

“Oh yeah! I remember now! Boy I must’ve
been knocked for a serious loop to forget it,” he lies as he
casually picks up his already-poured cup of coffee meant for him
off the table. SISY grins, displaying the wreckage of half-chewed
food from his teeth, and nods in agreement.

“So, what’s the plan after we finish
up?” UDGD adds, wanting to leave the subject about as much as DTO.
DTO’s surprised, hearing UDGD actually ask for someone’s opinion.
Again, DTO’s opinion is changed, ever so slightly, of the Grim
Axeman. Mr. Honkers swallows down some orange juice, of which he
had specifically requested, to wash away his current
mouthful.

“Obvious, noob. I’ll drive the tower
and we’ll get to the temple late tomorrow, instead of half a week,
right, robo-nerd?”

“I suppose that depends on how capable
you are at operating such a contraption.”

“Peh! Whatever, dweeb. Let’s get
started,” the Great Honkster says as he gets up from his chair,
haphazardly throws his empty plate at IMRM to clean, and marches
upstairs to show everyone how awesome he is. IMRM catches the plate
with discomforting ease, and places it in the sink.

“If you’re all done, you can join Mr.
Honkers at the top. Unless you’d rather help me with the
dishes.”

“Eh, no thanks.”

“I’m not a sissy. See ya,” say DTO and
SISY as they get up and leave their eating utensils with IMRM. UDGD
also gets up and does the same. DTO and SISY leave in somewhat of a
hurry, partially wanting to avoid washing dishes, and also
partially wanting to see Mr. Honkers fail at driving the
mech-tower. The two ascend the steps, but UDGD loiters behind just
a moment. IMRM brings the collected dishes and forks to the magic
water-creating sink, drops them in, and grasps the soap to begin
cleaning. UDGD just stares at him for a moment.

“Why?” The Grim Axeman asks, turning
his head cooly, just to see IMRM a moment before he too ascends to
the highest floor. IMRM’s stare rises up from his dishes, and
addresses UDGD with an honest, upfront gaze. The light from inside
the tower shines off into the cloak, very clearly displaying the
wrecked, cracked armor that looks like a cross between thick
darkness and glass.

“My job is too important to me to let
you two running around smashing people and things without regard,”
IMRM says without even a hint of emotion. UDGD’s frown, usually
manly and uncaring, quickly gains a tone of anger.

“And just what the hell is your job?
Who are you?”

“You’ll see a good deal more of...
people like me in the following years. So just wait, Mr. Death.
Your questions will be answered with time,” IMRM says with a nod.
UDGD huffs pridefully, and turns to go up. He stops on the first
step however, because he has realized in his quick moment of
emotion that IMRM really doesn’t care what kind of person he is, as
long as he follows his few rules. UDGD decides to lower himself,
just for a moment, to finally answer a certain question that has
been on his mind a good while now.

“Hey.”

“Yes?”

“Lemme see yer face. I at least want to
get a look at who ya’ are.”

“Are you certain? People tend to get a
bit uneasy when they realize just what I am.”

“Ya’ think I’m some sort of pussy? Show
me.”

“If you insist,” IMRM answers as he
reaches up to his hood and pulls it back.

IMRM’s helmet is of a texture and
shimmer UDGD has never seen before. It is incredibly glossy and
reflective, and of one perfectly-solid color: black. Upon closer
inspection, UDGD can spot a few onyx-colored beads of sort, worked
into the helmet at various places. UDGD presumes these must be the
holes he uses to see out of. It looks, in a single word, quite
badass.

“Your face, show it to me,” UDGD adds
as the sound of various gears and engines seem to activate around
them. The tower must be entering its mobile form.

“This is it.”

“Bullshit. Yer face, yer actual face,”
UDGD demands. IMRM tilts his head to the side a bit, curious of the
nature of such a strange demand, and then decides he might as open
the bag of cats for this silly, surprisingly strong man. IMRM
reaches up to his head, and grasps the shattered, folded, skewed
plating.

“I suppose if that would put your mind
at eas-”

“WHAT THE ANUS?!” a nasally voice yells
from above. Suddenly the entire castle shakes, and screaming, which
probably belongs to Mr. Honkers, pierces UDGD’s ears. The room
begins to tilt, and UDGD grasps onto something to keep himself from
sliding.

“What the hell are they doin’ up
there?!” UDGD yells with a grisly scowl.

“Oh! That’s it!” is the next sentence
yelled from above as the tower promptly untilts and regains its
balance. UDGD sighs, and shakes his head.

“Whatever, I’m going up.”

“Very well. Enjoy yourself.”

“Yeah, sure,” is the last thing UDGD
says as he storms up the stairs with strained breaths. Mr. Honkers,
that little idiot, he better know how this thing works, as UDGD
really does not appreciate the thought of toppling into a giant
ravine while inside a sketchy-looking tower like this. If IMRM is
going to be some weird guy and not show his face under any
circumstance, he’ll let him; not like it’s really his business or
anything.

UDGD climbs all the way to the top to
witness Mr. Honkers on the throne, shifting about controls and
leavers that seem to have come up from the floor. The Graveman is
surprised, seeing that short, stupid man driving it with what looks
like a fair amount of ease.

“You almost killed me,” UDGD says
bluntly as he steps up to the three, DTO and SISY, both slowly
releasing their grips from on the throne. A few seconds ago it was
the only thing keeping them from sliding off the roof and to their
doom.

“Yeah whatever. Don’t distract me or
you’ll die for serious,” Mr. Honkers replies with a jerkish smirk
crosses his face. UDGD sighs again, and stays close to the throne
as he looks about.

Looking down, the tower now has a pair
of stone-brick arms and legs, and is very-cautiously stepping down
the mountainside. Admittedly, it’s a bit misty at this height, so
Mr. Honkers, who apparently has a knack for driving giant
anthropomorphic towers, is exercising a bit more caution than
usual. UDGD cannot say he finds the sensation of riding a tall,
tall tower very comforting, because it looks like it could
quite-easily trip and send the party, some of the less dexterous
ones, at least, to a gravity-based doom. Aside from that, UDGD has
never experienced anything quite like this, and comes to enjoy the
sensation after a few minutes. Of course, enjoying things is super
not-manly, and he does his best not to show it, but Mr. Honkers
turns out to be a surprisingly-capable operator for this giant
machine. Feeling secure enough to let go of his pillar, UDGD
releases and realizes that the movement really isn’t that bad at
all. Seeing UDGD let go of his object of motion-security, SISY
decides to do the same. After all, he’s more manly than UDGD. DTO
looks on with jealousy as he watches UDGD and SISY stand up with
such confidence.

“So, friend, tell me about the fight
with the generator! IMRM was too vague, so you should give me all
the awesome details,” SISY asks UDGD to make conversation between
him, and the other man standing on his own two feet. Mr. Honkers,
also next to them as he sits on the throne and messes with the
various tower controls, sighs as the subject of UDGD, DTO, and IMRM
saving the other two comes up. UDGD frowns, finding SISY’s way of
speech far too enthusiastic to be truly considered manly. The
Graveman does his best to make up a story enough like IMRM’s to
keep from arousing suspicion, but gritty and violent enough to
satisfy SISY. UDGD wonders to himself as he tells the story...
where did IMRM even get all of this blue dust from? Could it have
really been the generator?

CHAPTER TWENTY: THE DOOM DRAGOONS:
GET YOUR FACE READY FOR SOME ULTIMATE JUSTICE! (AKA: TRY HARDER,
WEAKLINGS!)

A few hours have passed of relative
peace about the group. The tower has reached a vast, flat
grassland, of which Mr. Honkers has decided to continue across
until lunch time, in which he will take a break from the terribly
tiring job of sitting in a chair and controlling a walking tower.
UDGD, DTO, and SISY have been telling various stories to one
another, most of them made up on DTO’s end, whereas SISY and UDGD
have droves of interesting and violent tales to tell. They are on
one of the common floors, meant for the various servants to live
about and fraternize. UDGD was just telling a story of his about
the time he took on the cult of the eyeball eaters and saved a town
near Liuil. The Swordsman is perfectly enamored with the Axeman’s
storytelling, whereas DTO on the other hand is lazily tuning in and
out as he stares out one of the tower windows. A delicious scent is
wafting up from below. IMRM must be almost done with preparing the
next meal.

“-so then I smashed th’ guy’s head in
and the people of the town gave me some cash. It was pretty cool,”
UDGD says, finishing his third tale thus far in the group of
three.

“AWESOME! SO, THEY-”

“Volume,” UDGD interrupts SISY
promptly. He usually doesn’t mind when SISY yells his head off
during fights, but in a quiet atmosphere it would only cause him
headaches.

“Ugh. So, they rewarded you for killing
their leader?” SISY responds after a quick change of his
noise-level.

“Yeah, I guess they didn’t like ‘em
much.”

“Wow, I wish I could get paid for
killing people. How would someone come into a line of work like
that?”

“’Spose you’d find a mercenary agency
and ask for work, is all. I hear some ask you to prove your
fighting ability before letting you do anything, but I doubt you’d
have a problem with that.”

“Cool, is that how you got into it?
What did you do?”

“Was pretty easy for me. When I was
about twenty seven I... I fell inta some debt n’I really needed
some cash. The landlord was a dick, and was famous around those
parts f’ killing people who couldn’t pay up. I was a good
blacksmith, my pa’ taught me real well, but it wasn’t enough to
make the bills. He came with his friends one day n’... well, I
killed them all after they tried to kill me. I realized I was much
better at usin’ the tools I made, rather’an makin’ ‘em. So, ‘fore
the authorities came, I packed up and left my old life behind. I
traveled for days until I found Liuil, and then found Criman’s
Mercenary guild. There’s a couple other of these mercenary guilds
around Liuil, but Criman’s pays the best, because it is always
given the hardest jobs by people needin’ services. Once I did my
first job with them, I knew I was somewhere I’d be okay with
living; so I bought myself a home and devoted m’ time to completin’
work. There ya’ have it,” UDGD finishes, inciting a look of
interest from SISY.

“That’s... that’s sooo cool! Wow! So
you just take jobs all day, killing people?” SISY asks with the
eyes of a child entering a vault of limitless candy. UDGD pauses a
moment.

“Yeah,” the Graveman says with cool
frown. Overhearing this, DTO cannot help but smile. UDGD obviously
doesn’t do jobs every day, it’s more of a weekly thing from what
he’s seen of him around the guild; and even so, serious jobs like
taking down cults and finding murderers only come up once in a
while. He decides to keep quiet about it, and just assumes that
UDGD is stretching the truth to appear manlier than he really
is.

“Whoa, you’re so lucky! You must be the
happiest man alive!”

“Uh, no.”

“What? Come on! You kill things every
day! Isn’t that all you need?” SISY asks with a wide grin. UDGD is
quiet a moment, and sighs. DTO listens in carefully.

“... Well, actually there’s quite a bit
I’d li-”

“Ring ring ring” goes an annoying
bell.

“Lunch is ready,” IMRM says from below.
Suddenly the tower stops cold, and the frantic, humorous panting of
a small man can be heard from above as he scrambles in excitement
to get some grub. From the stairs above comes Mr. Honkers, dashing
with a speed that the three have never seen him exert before this
moment. The short, overweight man with horrible fashion-sense zooms
past the three others and down the steps leading to the dining
room. DTO looks at SISY, and SISY at DTO, then both at
UDGD.