Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (7 page)

“What d'ya want?” UDGD questions, ready
to blast this man to pieces with his own 10/10 manliness rating –
self-proclaimed, of course.

“Well, you see, I overheard that you
guys were going to find the Fountain of Testosterone,” the man
states, a sly smirk on the side of his mouth. UDGD sighs and looks
over at Mr. Honkers, secretly blaming him just in case it was his
fault.

“Shit. Let me guess, you wanna come
with us?”

“Indeed I do. You see, I have wanted to
go search for it for a long time, but I have heard that the trek to
the area is rumored to be what kills most people, instead of the
traps in the temple that contains it,” the man states, seemingly
well-read on the topic of fountains that spew forth
manliness.

“Yeah, that's great, but why would we
want t' take you along?” UDGD grunt as he crosses his
arms.

“Because I have this,” the man says,
reaching into his cloak. He pulls out a crimson gem, tied to a
chain.

“And this is?” UDGD questions the man,
interested, but not wanting to show it.

“Yeah, you scrub! What does that even
do?” Mr. Honkers adds, waving his arms around unnecessarily. The
man smiles at Mr. Honkers.

“There is a gem required to get into
the temple. I'm an adventurer, you see, and for many years I have
desired studying the properties of the mystical fountain. So over
much studying and searching, I have located this gem and bought it
for myself. I have read that it is the key to opening the doors of
the temple, which are made of the manliest metal that exists,
“tearoffyourfaceandlaughasyoulookforitanium,” the cloaked man
states, waving the gem about by its chain.

“That's cute. So why don't you give it
to us and I'll promise not to kill you,” UDGD says, unsheathing his
axe. The mysterious stranger chuckles nervously.

“Yes, you could do that, but then you
wouldn't have the words required to deactivate all of the traps in
the temple,” he says.. UDGD grits his teeth intensely.

“What makes ya' think we should trust
you?”

“Nothing, other than the fact that you
couldn't get in alive without me,” the man says with a regained
confidence. UDGD marches up to the man, faces so close that they
can feel the breaths of one-another.

“That a challenge?” the skull faced
UDGD asks.

“No, just a theory, result from years
of research. Only one out of every hundred and fifty two people who
have gone searching for it has come back alive.”

“Yeah? And just how many people have
gone lookin' for this thing?” The man clears his throat for a
moment.

“One hundred and fifty two,” the man
states.

“Yeah? And just who might this guy be?”
UDGD asks, incredibly close to biting and tearing out this guy's
jugular vein. The cloaked man takes a moment to think of the
nastiest person he knows of, and then it hits him.

“Overlord Chaos,” the man says with a
snide tone. Hearing this, UDGD becomes very quiet. Chaos is perhaps
the most badassin' badass alive. UDGD hears a lot of rumors and
stories from people who have traveled around, mostly ones about him
killing entire armies by himself. If Chaos is the bar-standard to
surviving this thing... UDGD hates to admit it, (so he won't,), but
the reality is that he will need all the help he can
get.

There is a short pause between the two
men, both staring at the other intensely. The gusting wind is the
only sound that can be heard for a few seconds, and then UDGD comes
up with his answer.

“Fine, but ya' better not try anythin'
funny, or I'll kill you,” the Grim Axeman warns with a deathly
gaze. The cloaked man bows his head, still smiling.

“Fair enough. It is a pleasure to join
up with you, then. I go by the name of Dick Tearer Offer,” the man
introduces. UDGD finds it a pretty manly sexually suggestive name,
this guy has just been upped to a 7/10.

“Yeah, alright. My name is Ultra Death
Graveman Death Death Death, but you can just call me Death,” UDGD
says boorishly.

“I'm Mr. Honkers, the leader of the
group and lover of many women!” Mr. Honkers eagerly introduces as
he thrusts his fist into the sky.

“HEY FRIEND, I'M SUPER INSANE SWORDSMAN
THAT YELLS A LOT!” SISY introduces himself with an enormous grin on
his face. The last one, IMRM, bows his head respectably.

“Good afternoon. I am called Insanely
Masculine Robot Man. I hope that this union will prove to be
successful for everyone,” the taller, featureless, also-cloaked man
introduces, his voice being the calmest thing for miles.

“Ahh, excellent! So, shall we be on our
way?” the cloaked man, whose title shortened would be DTO,
questions as he bows to his new allies.

“You bet. Let's do this, nerds!” Mr.
Honkers says, way more excited than he should be.

CHAPTER NINE: XING THE XTREME XRIDGE
OF XTREME XUNISHMENT (AKA: ODDVAR, THE FIRST)

The group of four turned five travels
onward through the barren lands, staying relatively silent with the
exception of Mr. Honkers, who has been rapping about going on
adventures for the past thirty minutes. The Author/Narrator refuses
to transmit any of this rapping into technical dialogue, because it
is very, very bad rapping, like you wouldn’t even believe, Reader.
The reason why Mr. Honkers has been going on so long uninterrupted
is because:

1. -SISY is enjoying it, shockingly
enough, and is finding it a funny and interesting way to pass the
time.

2. -DTO feels like speaking up might
irritate some of his new acquaintances, so he decides to stay
passively annoyed.

3. -UDGD cares, and would like him to
stop, but does not care enough to tell him. He's just that
cool.

4. -IMRM literally does not care, as he
could be listening to a chalkboard being scraped by another
chalkboard and still would be totally neutral to the
sound.

That said, Mr. Honkers has been rapping
with terrible skill for far too long, and he would have continued
if it were not for the fact that they are now nearing a bridge over
a large chasm, with a really, really manly dude standing at the
front of it.

“Well well, looks like we've got a
friend up ahead,” DTO states, having finally found an excuse to
interrupt Mr. Honker's ten-minute long beat-box solo portion of his
rap, which sounds far more like a cat being beaten to death with a
flail made of mice on fire than anything resembling the human
voice.

“Yeah, the bridge across 'Really Angry
Guys That Will Yell At You Before Tearing Your Hands Off and
Beating You To Death With Them Gorge' is protected by two great
Toll-Lord brothers. I hear they're both super badasses, I mean,
just look at all that steam rising from that one's mouth!...Hmm but
the other one doesn't look like he's here for some reason, wonder
where he is,” SISY says, pointing to the Toll-Lord, about three
times the size of an average man.

The group spots another person coming
towards the bridge ahead of them. From afar, the Toll-Lord looks
alight with rage upon spotting this one person.

UDGD frowns and watches intensely,
wanting to see just how Xtreme this Toll-Lord is.

“Huh, another nerd’s crossing too,” Mr.
Honkers says, pointing out what is blatantly obvious.

“Indeed, it seems that the bridge
Master is going to attend to him first. I suppose this will take
only a moment before we too will be allowed across,” IMRM
says.

“Hmm, I don’t know, Insanely Masculine
Robot Man. I have a feeling that he's been waiting for this guy,”
SISY says in a tone more gentle than his usual.

“Really? What makes you think
that?”

“Come on, look at his face. The
Toll-Master is totally pumped! It looks like he's about to throw up
lava all over him!”

“Oh, well perhaps he will,” IMRM says,
being the type of guy with a fairly open mind when it comes to
possibilities. DTO lets loose a quick snicker.

“Well, there's one way to find out.
Let's watch,” DTO says, presenting a suggestion that everyone
agrees with silently.

The Toll-Lord, a huge, muscular man
with pale skin, finishes his approach to the armored man, who was
just harmlessly walking his way across the bridge. UDGD gives the
Toll-Lord a an 8/10. He docked the Toll-Master two points because
1. he isn't keeping his manly cool, and 2. his long, blonde,
thickly braided hair makes him look like a sissy little girl. Even
so, an 8/10 is a good score in UDGD's book. The man the Toll-Lord
confronted, however, is a different story.

The other figure, dressed completely in
oppressive, darkened brown plate armor, looking like he has been
breathed on by one-thousand manly dragons and then bathed with
their blood, instantly strikes UDGD with an aura of intense
badassery. The man's tall, looming stature conjures images of death
incarnate to UDGD's mind – perfectly cold, perfectly manly. To add
to the the armor, in the man's right-hand is a very, very large
lance, jagged and hooked with angry, violent designs. Judging by
how capably the armored figure carries it, UDGD presumes that he is
phenomenally strong, despite his rather thin build. To augment his
manliness, he is also carrying around that thick suit of armor,
meaning he is most-likely not just super-strong, but badass-strong.
It is not often that UDGD does this, but it is obvious that this
contender is worthy. UDGD gives the man confronted by the Toll-Lord
a 10/10.

“BASTARD! ARE YOU READY TO PAY FOR WHAT
YOU'VE DONE?!” the Toll-Lord screams into the face of the
black-armored spear user, voice easily audible to the five from the
other side of the bridge. The group can hear the faint sound of the
armored figure's voice, but not well enough to make out what he is
saying; everyone, that is, with the exception of IMRM, who clearly
hears the figure say: “I've finished my business, and now I am
crossing back. That's all, – but if ya' want me to splatte’ y’blood
over this bridge again, you're free to try killin' me again. Who
knows, maybe this time you'll be as lucky as y’brother.” IMRM does
not let the others know of the armored figure's words, as he sees
no truly tactical reason to do so; he is far more interested in
observing than interacting, though he will do the latter if it is
required of him. “YOU LITTLE PRICK! GET READY TO HAVE YOUR ASS
BLASTED BACK TO YOUR RETARD DIMENSION!” the bear-sized man yells in
the armored man's face. In the next moment the Toll-Lord ranges
back his fist, about the size of a normal man's head, in order to
smash the quiet man's face in a single blow but, as UDGD expected,
the other man will not tolerate such treatment.

In what seems like a flash of
lightning, the sound of bloodletting can be heard as the two dash
into one-another. The blood of the Toll-Lord sprays all over the
knight, adding another layer to the crimson-brown coloration of the
armor’s plating. The Toll-Master stumbles a moment, curses under
his breath, and falls flat on the bridge. The armored man, seeing
his fight is won, lowers his spear and continues his trek across
the bridge.

Just barely, a smirk can be seen on
UDGD's face, though it is short lived and disappears just as
quickly as it began.

“Pffft, what a scroob noob. I could've
killed that guy in half the time,” Mr. Honkers criticizes, crossing
his arms and turning to the side in a huff of pride. UDGD was about
to chastise Mr. Honkers for his stupidity, but by this time the
armored-figure has finished crossing the bridge. The Grim Axeman
stares with mindless, chaotic anger as he beholds the crimson
knight passing by. UDGD would like to challenge this guy sometime,
but as a general rule he doesn't start fights, he finishes
them.

“GOOD JOB BEATING UP THAT GUY, GUY!”
SISY yells right next to the armored-figure. The Unknown Man does
not answer, but instead just continues walking down the
road.

UDGD is shocked, this guy is way
manlier than a man could possibly be. He must be on a completely
different level, on his level! This armored guy is no simple guy,
he's a badass! UDGD will have to develop an entirely new rating
system, but for now, this guy is an 11/10 in manliness.

The knight walks on, and the group
turns to one-another.

“THAT GUY WAS A TOTAL STOIC-BADASS!”
SISY exclaims with a manly grin. Mr. Honkers scoffs.

“Pffft! Now look here, you dweeb. I
know it's cute and all to make people happy by classifying them as
different 'kinds' of manly, but the reality is that there is only
one kind of manly, and he is a total dweeb in comparison to me,”
the short, chocolate colored man asserts with a shrug. SISY turns
his head to Mr. Honkers, and smiles.

“So, you're saying that you're the
manliest guy around, eh?” SISY says, calming down, only to be riled
up again very soon.

“Was that not obvious from the moment
you met me?”

“Heh, yeah, of course. So I bet you'd
also say that the manlier someone is, the better they are at
fighting?”

“Well, of course!”

A grin brims across SISY's face,
hearing Mr. Honkers express his stupid levels of
confidence.

“SO I BET YOU'D SAY THAT YOU'RE THE
MANLIEST PERSON HERE, EH?” SISY exclaims in his usual, far-more
violently-minded manner.