Zane's the Other Side of the Pillow (7 page)

“When do we all get to meet him?”

“Lilibeth, I am not in a relationship, so there's no reason for you to meet him.”

“Why can't he come up here and have lunch with you one day?”

“In the teacher's lounge? Not going to happen.” I giggled. “Besides, he's so fine that I would have to beat Ms. Landry and Ms. Jacobs off of him.”

“It would make for an interesting afternoon. If I wasn't married, I might have to throw my hat into the ring.”

“Yeah, right. Your husband cherishes you. We all know that.”

Lilibeth blushed. “He does indeed, and he brings me lunch twice a week. You should have Dr. Harris do the same.”

“A, the man is a surgeon and has no time to bring me lunch, and B, you snatched up a good man when good men still existed. My generation and the generations after us are screwed. Men only want to play a bunch of games.”

“Not that I know much about your business, Jemistry, but can I offer you a little motherly advice, being that I am old enough to be your mother?”

I didn't respond, but I'm sure she read the curiosity on my face.

“Don't push a good man away trying to prove a point that you can have a cold heart. We've shared a few things and I understand that you've been hurt in the past, but most women have been. Most men have been as well, truth be told. It doesn't mean you have to become some kind of stone statue for the rest of your life.”

“It doesn't mean that I have to become some kind of sacrificial lamb and breakdance into the slaughterhouse either.”

“Is that what you really think about love? Taking a chance? Baby Girl, you are an amazing woman and you deserve to be happy. Give it a shot. You cannot win a race until you get in it.”

I took the vase of flowers, went into my office, and closed the door as Lilibeth turned back to her computer screen. She had a point and she and I both realized it.

I removed the card and read it:

Jemistry,

I hope your day is going well and that you'll consider going away with me this weekend. I want to spend some time alone in isolation with you. No pressure. Just good conversation and exploring life together. Call me.

Tevin

I read the card at least a dozen more times that afternoon, wavering in my decision to take him up on his offer or refuse. Tevin definitely didn't give off the kind of vibe that he would force me to have sex. In all honesty, I was more worried about being able to control myself. Taking what we were doing to a sexual level meant catching feelings. I would not be able to disconnect myself emotionally like I did with Anthony and Gregory, the other dude that I
had been sleeping with on and off for about a year. I had not gone to be with either of them since that last time with Anthony when I started feeling guilty.

What was there to really be afraid of? If I got officially involved with Tevin, and it did not work out, it was not like the entire world would know it. It wasn't like it would end up in a book, or anything ridiculous like that. Outside of Winsome and Lilibeth knowing that Tevin had run a game on me like every man prior to him, no one would have to know.

Up to that point, Tevin and I had only shared kisses. Many, many awesome kisses. One time I even had an orgasm and it scared me. I had never had an orgasm from a kiss, which made me petrified about what he might do to me with his dick.

There was a cold, hard truth staring me in the face that could no longer be ignored: I wanted him.

“True love isn't easy but it must be fought for, because once you find it, it can never be replaced.”

—Unknown

W
insome and I were walking out of the Regal Theaters at Gallery Place.

She was shaking her head in disbelief. “If I had known that was what that movie was about, I wouldn't have come.”

“I heard that it was going to be sad, but I wasn't quite ready for all that either.”

We had gone to see
Fruitvale Station
, based on the true story of Oscar Grant III, a twenty-two-year-old Bay Area resident who was shot and killed by BART police on New Year's Day in 2009.

“That entire cast was amazing,” I added. “If that movie isn't nominated for the Academy Awards, something is wrong.”

“I haven't cried in a movie since I can remember. I felt that mother's pain and I'm not even a mother.”

“Well, one of us better hurry up and have a baby before our pussies dry up,” I said jokingly. “It would be good to have at least one kid around.”

“Jemistry, you're around kids day in and day out.”

“They're teenagers; not the same thing. Most of them had to grow up so fast that they could damn near hang out with us.”

We both laughed.

“I'm not cooking, so want to grab something to eat?” Winsome asked.

“Lazy ass. It's your turn to cook.”

“Exactly, and that's why I'm saying that I'm not doing it. You'd better either grab something on the way home, eat that Greek yogurt in the fridge that expired last week, or starve.”

I slapped her playfully on the arm. “Let's go pig out somewhere and then go to the gym and ditch the calories.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

We decided on Five Guys. Cheap, quick, greasy, and fattening. If we were going in, we might as well go in all the way.

We grabbed a table with high stools and started digging in like two hungry three-hundred-pound men.

“I'm starving. I skipped lunch today,” I said, trying to make an excuse for gorging myself, even though Winsome was doing the same.

“I had a big-ass lunch, but this food is my guilty pleasure.” A sliver of greasy fried onion fell down into the center of her breasts and she ignored it. “This shit is so good.”

“Aren't you going to dig that out?”

“Dig what out?”

“That piece of onion that fell between your tits?”

Winsome took a sip of her Coke through a straw. “I'm not digging in my ta-tas in front of all these people.”

The place was crowded for a Thursday night, but no one probably would have noticed.

“That's nasty.” I handed her a napkin. “Take that out.”

“Jemistry, listen, you have your etiquette rules and I have mine. We both have some nice racks and food will topple down there every now and then. I'm not going to draw attention to being clumsy with food by digging shit out in public. I wait until I go to the restroom, get home, or at least get in my car to do all that. If
you want to yank your tits apart, clear out your bra, and do maintenance, do you.”

I fell out laughing and threw the longest fry that I could find in my collection at her face.

“You're so childish!” she exclaimed.

“No, childish would have been aiming for the cavern between your tits and letting it keep that poor piece of onion company while your nasty ass leaves it down there suffering.”

“You are completely shot-out, Jemistry! Shot-out and sprung!”

I took a bite of another fry. “I'm not sprung. You're tripping!”

“I saw Tevin dropping you off the other night. Why didn't you invite him up?”

“Chile boo! Invite him up and have him walk in on you butt-ass naked doing a man, a woman, or both? I don't even think so!”

“You still rubbing that shit up in my face after all this time. You have a new sofa, and I even threw in some new end tables and an entertainment center. Yet you're still flapping your gums.”

“That's because the visual is still implanted in my memory! It was traumatic!”

“Chick, please. As much porn as you have watched in your lifetime, that shit was minor. Stop acting all innocent, like you don't get down. You still fucking Anthony
and
Gregory while Tevin is sweating your drawers?”

“Not that it is any of your business since I never fuck in front of you, but no, I am not.”

Winsome grabbed at her throat. “You gave up your side dick action for Tevin! Damn, he must be blowing that back out!”

Winsome started moving her hips and ass back and forth on the seat and moving her arms in the air like she was fucking.

“Interesting! You're worried about someone seeing you dig a piece of onion out your tits, but you'll yell out about dick and make fucking motions on a chair up in this mickey.”

“Damn!” Winsome reached down in her boobs, took the piece of onion out, and tossed it on the table. “Now I have set the motherfucking onion free. But back to what I was saying. Is the dick good?”

“I haven't a clue. We've only kissed.”

Winsome rubbed her hands together and squinted at me.

“What's that look for?” I asked.

“I'm happy for you. It's been a long time since I've seen you like this.”

“Like what?”

“Contemplating the possibilities. Treating a man with basic human kindness instead of like a wildebeest. Not drowning all your pent-up emotions in your career and using men for sex in some kind of twisted protect mode.”

“Winsome, if that is not the pot calling the kettle black. Who are you to say that about me when you refuse to commit to anyone either?”

“It's different for me. I'm bisexual.”

“That's some straight bullshit. You want to sit here and pretend like I don't remember you being in love before. You were crazy about Cynthia and now you want to act like it never happened. At least I'm willing to admit to my fucked-up, toxic relationships.”

Winsome finished off the last bite of her burger. “Cynthia was a great gal and, yes, I felt like we had something that could've lasted a lifetime . . . but it didn't even make it to year five. You win some, you lose some.”

I laughed. “I hate when you do that with your name. Win some and lose some. Whatever. You loved her and she loved you, and it all ended over trifling behavior that could have been avoided altogether. You like women and you deal with men to try to act like it's not the truth.”

“I like men, too. Did you see the way that I was sucking Dominic's dick like it was a slab of baby back ribs?”

I tossed my burger down. “I've lost my appetite. Even though I've seen a lot of people having sex, I'm not trying to see you having sex. You're my friend, my best friend, and I could have done without all that.”

“Stop acting like I molested you or something.” Winsome ran her hands through her shoulder-length locs. “Okay, I will admit that I prefer women, but you're wrong if you think that I'm not into men. The issue is that most lesbians avoid sisters who are bisexual because they assume we'll cheat. But if I ever do commit to someone again, male or female, I won't be stepping out like that.”

“I realize that. You're not the type. We both have been disconnecting emotionally from our lovers in an effort to prevent being hurt. I'm a work in progress and I had an epiphany earlier today to that effect.”

“What epiphany?”

“Tevin asked me to go away with him this weekend.”

“And?”

“And I'm considering it.”

“Since it's Thursday night, I'm assuming you need to stop
considering
it and make a decision.”

“If I have sex with him, I might fuck around and fall in love with him. I've been doing so good at disconnecting my emotions from sex, but this is different. He's different.”

“That's a profound-ass statement coming from you.” She paused and stared at me. “What would be so wrong with that? You deserve love. We both deserve love, and you got one thing right. We both have to stop trying to orchestrate our own inevitable fate. Neither one of us is getting any younger. Shit, we're practically middle-aged. AARP is right around the corner.”

We both giggled.

“If either one of us is going to have kids, we have to start making moves, exploring options, and most importantly, let our defense mechanisms down.”

“True enough.”

“It's obvious that you're feeling Tevin. Go away with him and let him prove how much he is feeling you. And if it leads to sex, then so be it. You're a grown-ass woman and he's a grown-ass man.”

“So if I give Tevin a chance, you'll give someone a chance to actually be with you? Like actually date?”

“Why does it have to be a tit-for-tat situation? Sure, there are some people who've tried to actually get at me, but I'm not feeling any of them like that. However, I will start being more approachable and see what happens. Cool?”

“Cool.”

“You already have your low-hanging fruit so call him and tell him that you're going.”

“Right now?”

“No, next week. Yes, right damn now.”

“If I do this, you realize everything is going to change?”

Winsome nodded. “All good changes.”

“All good up and until something happens and he breaks my heart.”

“You're assuming that something negative is going to happen.”

“It's inevitable.”

“So why do it then?”

“Because you said I should do it.”

“I said you should do it because you want to do it.”

I closed my eyes and contemplated my next move.

“What are you doing? Praying?” Winsome asked.

“No, but I need to be. I was thinking about how much ice cream
and chocolate we need to stock up on so that when I get hurt, I don't have to run out to the store.”

“Speaking of fattening shit . . .” Winsome looked at the time on her cell phone. “It's nine thirty and the gym closes at eleven. We need to get moving. I'm not going to sleep with all this grease in my stomach so my ass will feel like lead in the morning.”

We gathered our trash to throw it away. Winsome reached over and took mine. “I'll throw this away. It's loud in here. Go outside and call Tevin and ask him what time you need to be ready tomorrow.”

I grinned. “Okay.”