01 Winters Thaw (19 page)

Vivi clasped her hands, allowing her gaze to slowly travel around the room from face to face. It almost felt as if their grandmother was memorizing their eyes, their names, them. “I’m going to ask you to keep my secret a little bit longer.”

Jade shook her head. “No. No, Vivi. We can’t do that.”

“I’m a selfish old woman and I have no right to ask this of you, but I’m still going to. I lost my JD over twenty years ago. I may be struggling with names and forgetting recipes, God knows I’m repeating myself and driving everyone batty, but I remember the year JD died like it happened yesterday.”

Sienna sniffled, fighting hard not to cry. She wasn’t going to fall apart. If her other cousins could sit here and be strong for Vivi, she would too.

“His cancer robbed him of his freedom, but worse than that, it took away his pride. He had to rely on his sons’ strength to carry him, to carry this ranch. They did it without fail, without question. There wasn’t anything they wouldn’t do for their daddy. I can’t ask them to do that for me. They’ve done that once. Watched a parent wither away. So I’m asking you. You girls have been my blessing and my strength. My pride won’t let me grow weaker in my sons’ eyes, not yet. That’s something I need time to gear up to.”

Hope swiped at her eyes. “Vivi. We’ll always take care of you.”

Vivi smiled. “I appreciate that. I have some things I need to figure out, things to put into place before we spring this on the family. I just need more time.”

“What sort of things?” Jade wouldn’t give in easily. Sienna knew that. So did Vivi.

“I think you understand what I’m saying, Jade.” Vivi’s gaze never left Jade’s face, the two of them sharing some unspoken secret.

Jade shook her head. “No. You’re fine here. This is your home.”

“What are you talking about?” Sterling asked.

Jade rose, anger pouring from her. “Vivi’s going to try to find a nursing home, somewhere she can tuck herself away so she won’t be a burden on us. That’s bullshit! We’re not doing that.”

“I won’t even recognize where I am. Besides I’m not proposing I move there tomorrow. I’m just going to look around, figure out my options. There are lots of nice places I can go and a few of them are quite close to here.”

Jade shook her head violently. Before she turned away, Sienna caught a glimpse of the sheen of tears in her too-tough cousin’s eyes.

It was Sienna’s undoing. “I’m a nurse, Vivi. I can take care of you. When the time comes, I’ll take a leave of absence from work if need be. I can be here, night and day. Please let me do that for you.”

Vivi’s face hardened. “No. Absolutely not. Do you think I would wish that on any of you? I won’t remember you. I’ll stare through you like you never existed. I’ll roam the house at night, keeping you up all hours. You’ll have to lock down everything for fear I’ll take medicine I’m not supposed to or, God forbid, pick up a knife to chop something. I could unintentionally harm you or your brothers, Sienna. Little Doug.” Her grandmother’s voice broke on his name. “I won’t let his last memories of me be this.”

Vivi took a deep breath. When she spoke again, the strength and determination had returned. “There are places where people are trained to take care of folks in my condition. I’m going to stay in one of those. My mind is made up on that and it won’t be swayed.”

Sienna recognized the stubborn glint in her grandmother’s eyes. She’d seen it far too many times over the years. “You knew,” Sienna whispered. “You knew this was coming.”

Vivi nodded. “I’ve suspected it for a while. Yes.”

Sienna wanted to be angry with her grandmother for hiding her suspicions, her fears. But then, Sienna had had the same worries and she hadn’t spoken them aloud either.

“I’ll help you find a place to stay,” Sterling offered.

Jade shot Sterling a look of pure rage, one that suggested her cousin had stabbed them all in the back.

Sterling didn’t relent. “She knows how she wants this to end, Jade. She deserves to do it her way. To face this with her dignity intact. If she has to leave to do that, you can be damn sure I’ll stand behind her decision.”

“We don’t need to think about this right now. We have time.” The utter desperation in Hope’s voice betrayed exactly how frightened she was. But her cousin was right. They did have time. They all needed to take a step back, let things sink in. Their emotions were too close to the surface. One more word and Sterling and Jade would be at each other’s throats.

“Hope’s right,” Sienna said. “We have some time. Nothing’s going to be resolved today.”

Vivi released a long, tired sigh. “So you’ll keep my secret. Just a little longer?”

Sienna glanced at her cousins, then slowly she nodded. From the corner of her eye, she could see the others follow suit.

Vivi smiled. Silence descended once more until Hope spoke at last.

“Vivi, I don’t understand…” Hope’s face was filled with anguish. Of all Sienna’s cousins, Hope had the biggest heart and the softest soul. She’d spent most of their childhood rescuing strays, caring for injured animals, befriending the lonely kids at school. If Hope sensed suffering, she came running. “How can you be so calm in the face of what’s coming?”

Vivi lifted her fingers, beckoned for Hope to join her on the couch. “I’ll be okay.”

Hope took her grandmother’s hand. “All your stories…”

Sienna knew what Hope was mourning. Their childhood had been filled with Vivi’s stories, her memories of her own childhood, of Compton Pass and their family. Though they were the younger generation, they’d never felt left behind because Vivi shared all her beautiful memories with them.

“They won’t be lost, Hope. I’ll tell them all to you.” Vivi glanced around as she spoke. “You can carry my memories for me. Then they’ll never truly be forgotten.”

Sienna tried to swallow around the lump that formed in her throat. It was a touching sentiment. Regardless of how many stories Vivi shared with them, Sienna knew there was one thing she’d never forget and that was her grandmother’s strength in the face of true adversity. Sienna let the image of Vivi’s face as she appeared now chisel itself into her own memory. She was witnessing true grace under pressure. And it was beautiful.

“I’ll keep your memories for you, Vivi.” Sterling stepped forward, kneeling before their grandmother, placing her hand on top of Hope’s and Vivi’s.

“Me too.” Sienna added her hand to the pile.

Jade still hovered by the window. Despite her cavalier attitude toward most things, Sienna knew Jade loved deeply. And when she hurt…well, no matter how hard Jade was trying to school her features, hide her agony, it was seeping from every pore.

Finally, Jade stepped forward. “I’m in.” She placed her hand on top. They were together. A team of memory keepers. Sisters ’til the end.

Jade was the first to break away. “I need to go.”

Sienna wasn’t surprised by Jade’s desire to escape. Jade needed privacy, somewhere quiet to lick her wounds, to regroup.

“I’m working until close at the bar tonight and I was hoping to catch a nap before then.” It was a safe, acceptable excuse.

Hope rose as well. “Do you mind giving me a ride into town, Jade? My shift at the store starts in half an hour.”

Jade nodded. They both bent to kiss Vivi on the cheek as they said their goodbyes.

Sterling remained on the floor, kneeling in front of their grandmother. “I’m going to go home, Vivi, and start doing some research on facilities. I’ll swing by tomorrow to show you what I find.”

Vivi smiled, patting Sterling’s cheek softly. “That would be very nice of you.” Sterling added her own kiss and left.

Only Sienna remained and her words failed her.

“Don’t be sad for me, Sienna. I won’t stand for it.”

“But Vivi—”

“No. I’ve lived an amazing life surrounded by my children and my grandchildren. I have no regrets. I don’t think anyone can ask for more than that.”

She recalled her grandmother’s wish, her plan to share her memories with them. She needed a distraction and she suspected Vivi did too. More than that, she needed her grandmother’s help. Daniel had mentioned once that time had a way of slipping by too fast. It was dizzying when she considered how quickly the clock was spinning these days. She’d dug in her heels to find some way to make it all stop, but the harder she fought, the greater the force of the current, determined to drag her downstream.

Sienna needed Vivi’s wisdom now. Since New Year’s, things between her and Daniel had drifted back into the comfortable norm they’d shared before Christmas. She went to his RV every night and lost herself in his arms, but they didn’t go out on any more dates. She was almost able to convince herself everything was fine.

But there was something unspoken between them. Words that needed to be said. He was clearly holding back out of respect for her.

New Year’s Eve, she’d sensed his feelings, realized what he’d been about to say. And she’d stopped him. Fear and panic had welled up so quickly, she thought she’d suffocate on the stuff. She’d asked him not to say it and, perfect damn man that he was, he hadn’t.

The worst part was…she’d wanted him to say it. To tell her he loved her, to hold her, to promise her forever.

But that desire was wrong. Wasn’t it? God. She’d known Daniel exactly three months. How could she be so willing to toss away everything she’d ever thought she wanted to take a chance on something so new, so undefined?

She needed help. She needed Vivi’s memories before they were lost to her forever.

“Whatever happened to Charles?”

Vivi smiled. “I wondered if you were going to ask me about him. He married a gal from our hometown about a year after I married JD. They had two daughters together. His wife, Joanna, died about six years ago and Charles passed just last year.”

“Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you’d stayed with him?”

Vivi shook her head. “Life’s too short for what-ifs. If it’s a rich, full life you’re looking for, the best thing you can do is to keep moving forward.”

“Yeah, but you got lucky. You found Granddaddy JD.”

Vivi snorted and waved her hand. “Shoot, darlin’, do you really think I was one-hundred percent sure I was making the right decision when I accepted JD’s marriage proposal?”

Sienna reared back, surprised. “You weren’t? But you were both so much in love.”

“I venture to guess there’s not a married woman on the planet who doesn’t second-guess herself at least once prior to her wedding day.”

Sienna was sure that was true. Although, there was a part of her that had truly believed Vivi and JD were the exception. “So what made you choose JD? How did you know he was the one and not Charles? I mean, it sounds like Charles was a pretty reliable guy too. He and Joanna hung in there for a long time.”

“Charles was a wonderful man. I’d never say otherwise. He just wasn’t
my
wonderful man.”

Sienna’s frustration wasn’t appeased by her grandmother’s answers. “But how did you
know
that?”

Vivi clasped her hand tightly. “I just did. When JD gazed at me, he saw me. Not just my hair or my face or my body. He saw
me
. And he loved me for who I was, warts and all.”

Sienna nodded, her mind whirling. “So you just felt it. Right away?”

Vivi shook her head. “It took a little convincing on JD’s part. Like I said, stubbornness runs strong through these veins. What touched my heart was that he kept coming back. No matter how many times I turned him away, he just kept knocking on my door. He made me feel special and needed. While Charles was a kind man, I didn’t seem to be vital to his happiness. I could tell he’d be okay with or without me. JD used to tell me I was his heartbeat. He swore he never lived a day until he met me. You’ll find your love, Sienna. You’ll become his heart. And he’ll become yours.”

Sienna longed for that kind of love. She’d wasted years of her life, swearing she was happy when all she really felt was fear. Of being alone, of never finding the true love that Vivi shared with JD, that her dad felt for her mom. She wasn’t going to be a coward anymore. “I hope so, Vivi.”

Her grandmother patted her hand gently. “I think you may be closer to it than you realize. But that doesn’t mean you need to rush headlong into anything. You’re young. You have time. Life is nothing if not one long crazy voyage. The trick isn’t in charting the course. It’s merely to keep moving forward and enjoying the scenery.”

Sienna recalled Daniel saying something similar on the first day they met
. It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.

Bring on the adventure.

Sienna had spent the rest of the afternoon in the quiet company of her grandmother. They’d watched a couple of old movies, Vivi’s favorites, until suppertime. Daniel had pulled her aside briefly after dinner to see if she was okay. She obviously hadn’t done a very good job hiding her sadness. She’d assured him they’d talk about it later and he’d accepted her answer.

He was waiting in his usual place when she emerged at midnight. Rather than grasping her hand and dragging her to his RV, he simply opened his arms. She fell into them, soaking up the warmth and comfort of his embrace.