02 Seekers (34 page)

hopeless. If she had wanted to be found, I would have found her.

Giving up, I sat down on the curb of the narrow road I was on, exhausted and depressed. The sword was heavier on my back than I remembered it ever being, and my necklace burned dully against my skin. Could they sense my dark depression? Could they sense the fact that I felt like I had abandoned one of my truest friends?

More than anything I wanted to find Alex, get Daniel, and take us all home, but where was

home, and how was getting there possible after everything we had been through here? I couldn’t see myself going back to King’s Cross and putting up with High School again. Not after

everything I had seen here. High school was for people who didn’t have to worry about demons and monsters. It was for humans.

They say “Home is where the heart is,” but, as the slow, murky dawn crept over the city, all I could think was that home was as fleeting as daylight.

Chapter 18

I watched as the dawn turned into full morning, the damp heat worsening with the weight of the sun. People started to fill up the streets, going to work, getting breakfast, doing things normal people did. I caught an occasional odd look, but no one bothered me. Around the slow realization I was in a part of town I should have avoided had I any common sense, I started worrying about Alex in stupid ways considering the seriousness of her situation. Was she hungry? Was she

somewhere complaining that her bagel had blueberries on it? Did she even have money for food?

What would she do when she turned back into a girl and had no clothes?

Around the worrying, I slowly remembered my promise to meet Daniel. I stood, ignoring the two men eyeing me from across the street and headed to the church. I was early, even though my feet had drug heavily against the early morning pavement during my walk. I wanted to see Daniel, but not like this. Not with more questions hanging over my head.

I had to wait an hour for them to open the doors, then another hour and a half for him to show. I waited the hour and a half inside, figuring it was the safest place to wait. I tucked the sword under the pew I sat at – so the woman at the desk wouldn’t notice it – and stared up at the altar for a very long time.

My sarcastic disbelief wasn’t lost on me…or the altar. The crucified figure stared down at me in judgment, and I stared back just as judgmental, perhaps even more so. Part of me blamed that figure for everything, letting people like me live and continue on in such a violent state, as well as for making me a freak of nature, doomed to curse everything I touched; another part longed to know that redemption was possible. I didn’t see how redemption was possible, though. Not after everything I was guilty of. Not knowing how doomed my kind was to kill.

Finally, a tall figure standing in the door to the left of the altar drew my attention. The eyes on his face were familiar and foreign at the same time – Daniel. When I saw him standing there, I felt my mouth drop open in surprise and, for the first time in a while, I laughed. I covered my mouth to hide the sound, even as I stared at his costume of choice. Daniel was wearing the garb of a priest, and his hands were crossed in front him primly as he sternly stared at me.

He gestured with his head for me to follow him, his stern expression flickering for a moment when he heard my laughter. My boots squeaked across the pretty floors as I hurried to his side, before the woman at the desk could notice us. He held the heavy door for me, and walked

discretely down the hall for a short moment. A real priest passed us going the other way down the hall, his eyes kind and distracted. As soon as the man walked through to the chapel, Daniel grabbed my arm and pushed me into a broom closet.

“A priest in the closet?” I asked dryly.

“Of course, it’s where we do our best thinking,” Daniel said.

I smiled at him, and he leaned in close in the small space to kiss me. It was nothing like our last kiss. Awkward, was closer to the truth. His lips were uncertain on mine as if he doubted the right to kiss me, and I kept thinking about Serenity’s words, my doubt of his honesty, and the night I’d spent in restless searching.

“What’s wrong?” he asked sensing some of my emotions.

“Alex changed last night,” I said, avoiding the questions I had about him for the moment. “I spent all night looking for her, but I couldn’t find her anywhere. She’s gone, and it’s my fault…

She got mad when she found out I’d gone into the nest.”

“She had reason to,” Daniel replied. He leaned against the wall and started playing with a wayward broom, which had been tucked in the corner of the closet. He rolled the broom handle against the wall in restless, repetitive motion. I watched the motion realizing how much I’d missed that stupid habit. “She changed after you were out of danger?” he asked.

“Yeah. She got all worked up and was yelling, then she changed.” I pinched my wrist with my other hand unconsciously, hoping the pinch would wake me from the nightmare.

“It’s not your fault,” he said firmly.

“Well, I’m glad you settled that for me,” I said harshly.

“I’ll keep an eye out for her in my circle of friends,” he said. The broom moved harder against the wall. “I know it’s going against your nature, but you’ll have to wait for her to come to you.

She has to find you this time.”

I leaned against the door and didn’t reply. I wasn’t good at waiting for things to come to me, and he knew it. The silence between us stretched. Yesterday’s joy and passion at seeing him was replaced by the cold light of reason and suspicion. There were so many questions I needed

answers to – questions I didn’t know how to ask.

“Tell me what’s happened since…what have you been doing?” he said finally. If he sensed my conflicted energy, he didn’t let on.

I took a deep breath, and told him everything in the hopes he would return the favor. He listened silently, his green eyes a mystery. When I got to the part about Jackson and Margaret – our hotel burning down and the fact I hadn’t heard from them – his eyes flashed with inky dark, but he controlled his emotion in a way that was both familiar and foreign. The fight against the darkness was the same, but it looked as if it took him more effort to control it.

“Is there somewhere else you could go beside the theater for now?” he asked at the conclusion of my story. “Somewhere safe?”

I shrugged and didn’t reply, not knowing what I would do next. I wanted to touch him and have him to tell me Alex would be okay, that Margaret and Jackson weren’t dead, and that this

nightmare was over now that we had found each other again. But his question, and the

uncertainty in his eyes, let me know he didn’t have the answers I was searching for. He was as lost as I was.

“I have a couple of people I could contact…they might let you stay with them for a couple of days, until I can get some money for you to get another hotel,” he said.

“I’m not going to get a hotel until I find Alex. Why can’t you just come with me now?”

“We need answers,” he said.

“Is that why you stayed, even when you thought I was dead? Answers?” I asked skeptically.

“No, I stayed because I wanted to find out who had killed you and kill them right back. Damian’s organization is a good place to find out information. He’s obsessed with knowing the truth about everything that goes on in the city. He was the one that sent me to investigate the fire…”

“I don’t care about answers anymore,” I told him. “I don’t care. I don’t want to know why

they’re after me. It’s not worth it. Let’s just go,” I begged.

“Clare…this goes beyond you.”

“How?”

His eyes were distant, and I felt he wasn’t in the same room with me anymore. “This was a

mistake,” he said slowly.

I felt my heart thud uncomfortably. “A mistake?”

“Well, not a mistake…just not thought out.”

“How else do you define a mistake?” I asked.

“N’Sync…” he said in a feeble attempt to make me laugh.

“You didn’t want to see me?” I asked, hurt by the idea.

“I did…I do. It’s just…there is so much that’s happened…you can’t understand, I mean, it’s dangerous…I wasn’t thinking.”

His words made me irrationally angry – angry enough to finally spit out what had been gnawing at my insides since I had met Serenity in this very church. My voice was deadly quiet as I spoke again. “A mistake, huh? Like pretending to care about me all this time? Did Odette tell you it would be easier to control me if I thought you loved me? Or did you come up with that particular lie that all by yourself?”

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

My laugh was sarcastic. “Right…because I would forget that Odette was the one that sent me to King’s Cross, too. It’s a very easy thing to forget…Tell me, was anything about us real, or am I just another mission to you? Another lost soul to protect?” He started to protest but I cut it short, not interested in his excuses. “Serenity made it very clear you weren’t in King’s Cross to enjoy the scenery. I’d always wondered why you bothered with High School…Turns out you had a

very good reason.”

“You…she…” He clamped his mouth shut and stared at me with wide eyes. For the first time the diplomat, the ultimate word arranger, didn’t know what to say. It fueled the words burning inside me.

“A mistake is right! I must really seem like a mistake to you after all the women you’ve had.

Was Serenity one of those women? I bet you’ve had dozens more like her. It’s a wonder you

could pretend to be interested in me at all with women like her lusting after you. How long did you have to wait for me in King’s Cross? How long before your patience paid off? I can

understand why you don’t want to leave here. Now that Serenity has gotten you into this nest, you probably don’t want to pretend with the lie anymore. I wouldn’t want to ruin your mission to bring down Marcus… Is that part of Odette’s plan or yours? What’s your problem with Marcus anyways?” I was about to say something I would forever regret, but my anger was speaking

louder than my kindness. “Was Marcus the real reason your first love – Jocelyn – left you? Or did she simply leave because she saw how capable you are of lying to people you “love”?”

The broom handle he had innocently been playing with snapped in half. The anger was no longer checked in his eyes. He growled with the rage, “You have no RIGHT to question MY love! I am down here for YOU!”

For the first time since I had met him, his anger didn’t scare me. Perhaps, it was because I was growing more confident in my abilities, or because I knew I was angry enough to lose my

temper. I knew if he attacked me, I would attack him right back.

“I don’t know why you’re down here, Daniel, but I doubt it’s because of me! You know what, I wanted to ask you about everything in civilized tones, but I can see you’re not going to answer.

Lying is all you’re good for, it’s all you’ve ever been good for. I don’t need it anymore…We’re through!”

He started to tremble, strange ripples distorting his face. His black eyes flashed from green to black rapidly. I didn’t take the time to figure out this new strangeness. I was too mad. I kicked the closet door open and stormed down the hall without looking back. I slammed out through the first door I came to, angrily blinking away the sunlight. On the horizon I saw another storm brewing, the clouds large and thunderous. Loud thunder echoed ahead of the storm, warning us of the danger. The storm was as welcome as the rage I was feeling.

Daniel didn’t try to follow me or stop me. He didn’t do anything. It hurt worse than the lies. The side door I had kicked open remained shut. Angry tears started tracking down my face. Half of me wanted to turn back and yell at him some more, but the part of me that loved Daniel wanted him to follow me, to declare his undying love, and tell me the truth I was hunting for. It was the part of me that cried when it realized that perhaps our love really had never been true. He had used me like he was using Damian to get to Marcus. He had used me and thrown me out when he didn’t need me anymore. The logical, reasonable, part of my emotions tried to tell me it was more than that, but I wasn’t in the mood for logic or reason.

I turned a corner, putting the church behind me as fast as I could, not wanting the reminder any longer. At another intersection I stopped walking, realizing I was headed toward the cemetery I had been entombed in. I was about to turn away, to find another way, when I noticed something I had morbidly wanted to witness since I had learned New Orleans was our destination.

A large funeral procession walked down the street, away from the cemetery. Police officers walked ahead of them, blocking the streets, so the mourners could mourn in true New Orleans fashion. As I watched, the musicians in front of the mourners used their instruments to create a low dirge of sorrow. It was sad, sweet, and all encompassing. It quickly turned into a celebratory goodbye of faster jazz, as they celebrated a life well-spent. The friends and family members sang along to the number with sorrowful voices as second-liners danced around them, enjoying the jazz even as they felt sympathy for the mourners’ pain. I leaned against the wall and watched them pass, impressed with the ritual, sadder than I thought I would be at witnessing a funeral for someone I had never known. Whoever had died had been well-loved, and well-respected. I was sad their family had to live without them. Too, there was a beauty to their goodbyes to the dead.

It was sad, but amazingly joyful.

I wished their song, and their skillful playing of music I loved, could also take away the pain in my chest. For a moment I felt as if it was my funeral, and I was a waking mourner to the death of part of me. All the worries I had been carrying around with me intensified as the part of me I had only recently become aware of dropped away. Love was dead. And the only real things I had as remembrance of the life I had lived was Daniel’s lies, the constant threat of Marcus and his Seekers, the secret war that hunted us all, and a world without Alex.

I watched as an elderly woman walked on the arm of her grandson her head held eye, though her eyes were full of pain. She was erect and proud, even in her darkest moment. I knew that love had never died for her. I suddenly envied her.