03 - Sworn (13 page)

He looked away, considering something. “I’ll keep my ears open for another to assist you,” he said, though I suspected he already had ideas that went deeper than that.

My thoughts returned to Luid, though not to imagined glory or fame. I thought of Severn, and how Aren had said his Potioners helped him recover after Rowan’s attack. Not the same kind of injury at all, but it made me wonder what resources they might have in the city that I’d never encountered. Plants from foreign lands, perhaps, that I’d never dreamed of.

Not that they’d do us much good now. Someone would have to get into the city to seek that out, and she’d have to be crazy to try it.
But then, if she were in the city, that crazy someone might be in a perfect position to see her enemy suffer for everything he’d done to her…
I shook that thought off.

“How bad is it?” I asked.

“Bad enough that he’s hiding like a wounded dog. The Ulric I remember would have charged straight to Luid and made Severn pay for his betrayal a hundred times over, without hesitation.”

That sounded more like what I’d heard. “I’ll see what I can figure out. But in the meantime, speaking of your abilities...” My stomach turned at the mere thought of what he could do—what I’d felt him do more than once.
But if someone did need to do something crazy, and she wanted to be prepared…

“I want you to teach me how to defend myself from you,” I said quickly, before I could change my mind. I knew I should get back. Mama would make my life miserable if she woke and found me missing, and Ulric would be displeased if I put her off. But this was far more important than an irritated old Potioner. I’d already done her work. I’d take time to do my own.

He gave me a blank look. “Weren’t you recently trying to communicate with me using that horrid skill of mine? And now you want to shut me out?”

I shrugged. “You said that wouldn’t work, anyway.”

He glanced away, clearly uncomfortable. “For me to put my voice or my words into your mind would take a great deal of invasion. I would essentially be changing your thoughts to make them mine. Controlling you, even if it never affected you beyond that. And if I went deep enough to do that, your thoughts would all be open to me. Your doubts, your fears, your desires. Your hate.”

His analysis wounded me more than the idea of invasion troubled me. I stood straighter, ready to defend myself. “Is that all you see in me?”

He smiled, more kindly than he usually did. “It used to be. Nox, I respect you and admire you for your skills, your will, and your passion. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, for Kel and Cassia, even for Rowan’s brother. But it took a long time for me to see that because it’s hidden under such a thick layer of mean. You’re a bit of a harpy, honestly.”

I glared at him, but my anger eased. “You’re one to talk.”

His smile faded only slightly. “I know. For a long time, I thought that was all I was, too. Anger. Pain. A tool to be used by Severn. I killed, and sometimes enjoyed it. I used my gifts to hurt people, and did so with little regret.” His head tilted slightly as he looked deeper into my eyes. “I let my anger drive me, and it nearly made me miss out on things in life that are far better.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Did Kel tell you to talk to me about this?”

“No.” He looked away. “I’ve changed a lot since the autumn, and everything I’ve gained from it is threatened now, especially if Ulric’s magic fails. But even if I lose it all, I don’t regret anything.” His voice broke. “Nox, don’t let your anger and your need for revenge keep you from being the person Kel sees behind the walls you’ve built. There’s so much more to life than protecting yourself from hurt. I know it’s hard, but…” He trailed off and shrugged.

I’d been thinking much the same thing myself, but hadn’t wanted to admit it to anyone. To let go of the pain and bitterness, to open myself to using my skills to help people rather than seeking revenge, to stop hiding for fear of getting hurt... it seemed impossible, but it was something to think on.

Later.

“Fine,” I said. “You being in my mind is unpleasant for both of us, but I think this is something I should work on.”

He swatted a massive black fly off the back of his neck and frowned at the blood smear on his hand. “We can try, as long as you won’t storm off into the woods again when I get in. I could really use the practice right now, anyway. Having no enemies around leaves me with nothing to challenge me.”

My throat tightened with apprehension, but I nodded. “Deal.”

He looked uncertain. “This could go horribly wrong.”

“Just try it.” I squared my shoulders. “I’m ready.”

“If you say so.”

Before I could consider my defense, the familiar sensation came at me. A little niggling feeling at first, similar to what I felt when I wanted to use a word but couldn’t quite think of it. Then my thoughts became jumbled, as though Aren had dumped them out. Images of Kel, of my old home, of my dead husband in his drunken anger, of my mother and a flaking painting on a temple wall, all scattered like filthy laundry on the floor of my mind.

“Stop!” I cried, and the images vanished. “I wasn’t ready!”

He watched me evenly, untroubled by what he’d seen. “Why is the ability to defend yourself suddenly so important to you? You don’t trust me?”

Not hurt, I noted. Just curious.

“No, I trust you not to use your magic on me,” I said, surprised to find it was the truth.
We’ve come a long way.
“But others might use theirs, and I need to learn to protect myself. Didn’t you once tell me that Severn has a way of knowing things?”

“It’s different, but yes.” His answer came slowly as he sorted through the meaning behind my question. “I hope you’re not thinking of confronting him yourself. The best protection would be to stay well clear.”

“No.” I spoke softly. “There was a time not so long ago when I wanted to. I wanted to storm the palace, to make him feel my pain.”

“He’d kill you before you so much as thought of moving against him. Even I can’t challenge him that way.”

I ignored the note of arrogance there, the lingering implication that he was better than me. Stronger because of what he was.

“But I think,” I continued, “that you’re right about what you were saying before. Maybe I can’t stop being a total harpy right away.”

He snorted.

“But there is more to life than vengeance,” I continued, thinking aloud. “Much as I want Severn to pay for what he did to me, and more for what he did to our mother, maybe it doesn’t have to be by my hand. My role might be to strengthen Ulric so he can make Severn suffer. But I still feel like I should be prepared.”

Some deep part of me rebelled at the idea of giving up my glorious revenge, but another warmed at the thought of being part of a team instead of throwing my life away by acting alone. Perhaps my name wouldn’t go into the history books as the one who destroyed the evil usurper, and perhaps that was all right in the end. Aren was right. There was more to live for.

I shoved the bloodthirsty part of myself aside.
I’ll deal with you later.

Aren’s hands flexed at his sides as he smiled slightly, seeming to understand. I wondered whether he was catching something of my thoughts, even though I couldn’t feel him in my mind. He appeared pleased.

“You’re not going to hug me, are you?” I asked.

“Wasn’t even thinking of it. Shall we try again?”

“Give me a minute.” I imagined a heavy stone wall in my mind, blocking my thoughts and emotions in, presenting a blank facade to Aren. “Go.”

My wall shattered, and my thoughts scattered again. “Gods damn it, Aren.” I fought back disappointment as I collected myself.

He raised his hands, palms forward, mockingly defensive. “No one else will hold back when they attack you. If you’re going to learn this, you’re going to do it properly. There was some resistance there, though. It was a good try.”

I glared at him, though without real ill will. “Don’t patronize me, you condescending ass.”

He grinned wider than before. “Then don’t complain when I treat you as an equal, you vile, heartless shrew.”

I snorted. Having a brother wasn’t so bad. “So what should I do?”

“Let me think.” He paced around our small section of forest, head down, absently slapping flies away. They seemed to quite like him. Perhaps not all of the effects of magic were pleasant.

“I want you to try something like what I do to keep Severn from finding me,” he said. “It might work, it might not, but it’s something.”

“Fair enough.”

He frowned as he searched for the right words. I imagined it wasn’t easy to explain, especially if there was magic involved for him that I couldn’t use.

“Make your mind a fortress,” he said.

“I tried that.”

“No, you imagined a wall. I saw it because you were picturing it. You can’t imagine your defenses, they just have to exist. And you can’t be on the outside looking in, picturing your wall. You need to be in there, closed off, impenetrable. And you need a roof. Walls won’t get you far.”

“How about a cave?”

He smiled, I suspected at some memory. “That will work well, I think.”

I squeezed my eyes closed and drew into myself. The walls formed around me this time, leagues thick, as though I were trapped in an air bubble within a mountain. I tried not to think, but to stay quiet and focus on my breath, nothing more.

“Better,” Aren said. “Now think of something that’s important to you.”

Kel appeared beside me, smiling and holding out a hand.

The mountain crumbled, and I opened my eyes.

“That was better,” Aren said. “Much better than I expected from someone without magic. I didn’t realize what you just did was possible to that extent.” He frowned, then shook his head. “In any case, that was a fine effort, but you need to work on a few things.”

I sighed. I’d asked for help. I just hadn’t wanted it to be this much work. “Such as?”

“For one, as soon as you had a conscious thought, I saw it. This means that if you’re trying to hide something, it may not be enough to keep it behind a wall. You need to keep it completely out of your mind if you can.”

“Got it. What else?”

“You can’t stand there frozen forever. You need to work out a way to build and maintain that protection while still having thoughts that seem natural, speaking easily. Any Sorcerer will think it odd if he tries to see your thoughts and there’s nothing there, or if you can’t function because you’re so focused on protection.”

I groaned. “It’s so much. You think I can do it?”

“I do. You may not have magic, but you’re stubborn as a mule. If you want to figure this out, I have no doubt that you will. We’ll practice when we can, but my time may be limited.” He glanced over his shoulder.

“Thank you.” He seemed to want to say something else. “What?”

“There’s one other thing that might give you away.”

“Go ahead.”

He smirked. “When you’re concentrating, you look like you haven’t moved your bowels in a month.”

He jumped back as I swatted at him. “This isn’t easy, you know.”

“I know. Shall we try again?”

I shook out my arms, worked the kinks out of my shoulders, and nodded. “Damn right we should.”

I would think on Ulric’s problem, on my own shifting priorities, and on the murky future later. For now, I was spending time with the brother I was growing to accept and care for, learning something interesting, and finding a way to feel safe in an uncertain world.

I tried to shut out thoughts of Kel and Cassia, of my work and the life I might live someday. Aren’s magic made the walls of my cave tremble and crack over and over, but eventually they held.

There are good things in life,
I thought,
more than I ever knew.

May we all survive to enjoy them.

8

ROWAN

^“
P
sst.”

I looked up from my work wiping down the wooden tables in the meal tent. After a few days, I hadn’t accomplished much other than cleaning crumbs and becoming impervious to the glares of the other women. Never had I failed so badly at a task, and I wasn’t sure whether I was more irritated with myself, the people of the camp, or with Ulric for forcing me into such an awkward position.

“Rowan, over here.”

Aren stood outside in the mid-day sunshine, beckoning. It was the first time I’d seen him since he’d had to leave our tent. In spite of the camp’s small population, we’d managed to give Ulric the complete separation he demanded. My heart gave a little skip at the sight of him, and I set my damp rag down and ducked outside. We stood in the shadows behind the massive canvas structure. I ached to hug him, to pull him into a stolen kiss. Instead, I tucked my hands into my pockets and kept my distance in case anyone passed by and spotted us.

“How’ve you been?” he asked.

“Fine,” I said. “Cold at night. Lonely, but I’m getting by. I haven’t learned much.”

He just nodded.

You agreed to this,
I reminded myself. This separation was vastly preferable to having Ulric glaring at me every time I went near Aren. We could pick up where we’d left off later. And if that meant I faced uncomfortable nights alone with the nightmares that plagued me no matter how many times I reminded myself that I’d been right to kill Dorset Langley, that was something I’d deal with on my own. Aren had enough to worry about.

“How have you been sleeping?” I asked in return, remembering his difficulty relaxing in times of danger.

“As an eagle, actually,” he said. “I have my own tent, but Ulric asked me to keep watch outside.”

“That’s horrible! You never get enough rest that way.”

“It’s not so bad. Nights aren’t as cold as they were. By summer it might actually be preferable.” He reached out to brush my hair back from my cheek. “It does mean fewer dreams, though. I’d hoped we might share a few, if we couldn’t actually be together. Maybe I’ll stay human tonight.”

I blushed. I’d never got much rest on nights when we shared dreams back at the school, but if I couldn’t have Aren with me, they were the next best thing.