10 Ten Big Ones (3 page)

Valerie was always nursing the baby. There were times when I looked at the baby and felt the pull of maternal yearnings, but mostly I was glad I had a hamster.

Grandma followed me into the kitchen, anxious to tell everyone the news, 'She blew up her car again, ' Grandma announced.

My mother stopped peeling. 'Was anyone hurt?'

'No, ' I said. 'Just the car. It was totaled. '

My mother made the sign of the cross and took a white-knuckled grip on the paring knife. 'I hate when you blow up cars!' she said. 'How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing I have a daughter who blows up cars?'

'You could try drinking, ' Grandma said. 'That always works for me. Nothing like a good healthy snort before bedtime. '

My cell phone chirped, and everyone paused while I answered.

'Are you having fun yet?' Morelli wanted to know.

'Yeah. I just got to my parents' house and it's lots of fun. Too bad you're missing it. '

'Bad news. You're going to have to miss it, too. One of the guys just brought in a suspect, and you're going to have to ID him. '

'Now?'

`Yeah. Now. Do you need a ride?'

'No. I'll borrow the Buick. '

When my Great Uncle Sandor went into the nursing home, he gave his '53 powder blue-and-white Buick Roadmaster to

Grandma Mazur. Since Grandma Mazur doesn't drive (at least not legally), the car mostly sits in my father's garage. It gets five miles to a gallon of gas. It drives like a refrigerator on wheels. And it doesn't fit my self-image. I see myself more as a Lexus SC430. My budget sees me as a secondhand Honda Civic. My bank was willing to stretch to a Ford Escape.

That was Joe, ' I told everyone. 'I have to meet him at the police station. They think they might have the guy who set fire to my car. '

'Will you be back for the chicken?' my mother wanted to know.

'And what about dessert?'

'Don't wait dinner. I'll get back if I can, and if not I'll take leftovers. ' I turned to Grandma. `I'm going to have to commandeer the Buick until I can replace the Escape. '

Twenty minutes later, Grandma and I cruised into the public parking lot across the street from the cop shop. The Trenton police are housed in a no-nonsense chunk of brick and mortar in a no nonsense part of town that gives the cops easy access to crime. The building is half cop shop and half courthouse. The courthouse half has a guard and a metal detector. The cop half has an elevator decorated with bullet holes.

I looked at Grandmas big black patent leather purse. Grandma was known to, from time to time, carry a. 45 long barrel. 'You don't have a gun in there, do you?' I asked.

'Who, me?'

If they catch you taking a concealed weapon into the building they'll lock you up and throw the key away. '

'How would they know I got a concealed weapon if it's concealed? They better not search me. I'm an old lady. I got certain rights. '

'Carrying a concealed weapon isn't one of them. '

Grandma pulled the gun out of her purse and shoved it under her seat. 'I don't know what this country's coming to when an old lady can't keep a gun in her purse. We got a rule for everything these days. What about the bill of health? It says I can bear arms!'

'That's the Bill of Rights, and I don't think it specifically addresses guns in purses. ' I locked the Buick and called Joe on my cell. 'I'm across the street, ' I told him. 'And I've got Grandma with me. '

'She isn't armed, is she?'

'Not anymore. '

I could feel Joe smile across the phone line. `I'll meet you downstairs. '

Civilian traffic in the building was minimal at this time of day.

The courts were closed, and police business was shifting from front-door inquiries to back-door arrests. A lone cop sat in a bulletproof cage at the end of the hall, struggling to stay awake on his shift.

Morelli stepped out of the elevator just as Grandma and I swung through the front-entrance doors.

Grandma looked at Morelli and gave a snort. 'He's wearing a gun, ' she said.

'He's a cop. '

'Maybe I should be a cop, ' Grandma said. 'Do you think I'm too short?'

Thirty minutes later, Grandma and I were back in the Buick.

'That didn't take long, ' Grandma said. 'I hardly had a chance to look around. '

'Bummer. This doesn't mean we're going to have to go back to the house, does it? I can't take any more of the galloping and the baby talk. '

'Valerie talks baby talk to the baby?'

'No, she talks it to Kloughn. I don't like to make judgments on people, but after a couple hours of listening to "honey pie smoochie bear cuddle umpkins" I'm ready to smack someone. '

Okay, so I was glad I'd never been there when Valerie called

Kloughn cuddle umpkins because I would have wanted to smack someone, too. And my self-restraint isn't as well honed as

Grandma's.

'It's too early to go to the viewing, ' I said to Grandma. 'I guess I could stop in on Sally Sweet. He turned up Failure To Appear today on an assault charge. '

'No kidding? I remember him. He was a nice young man.

Sometimes he was a nice young woman. He had a plaid skirt I always admired. '

I pulled out of the lot, right-turned onto North Clinton, and followed the road for almost a quarter mile. At one time in

Trenton's history this was a thriving industrial area. The industry had all vacated or drastically downsized and the rotting carcasses of factories and warehouses produced an ambience similar to what you might find in postwar Bosnia.

I left Clinton and wove my way through a neighborhood of small bleak single-story row houses. Originally designed to contain the factory workers, the row houses were now occupied by hardworking people who lived one step above welfare... Plus there were a few oddballs like Sally Sweet.

I found Fenton and parked in front of Sweets house. 'Wait in the car until I find out what's going on, ' I said to Grandma.

'Sure, ' Grandma said, her hands gripping her purse in excited anticipation, her eyes glued to Sweet's front door. The Buick was a car designed for a man, and Grandma seemed swallowed up by the monster. Her feet barely touched the floor, her face was barely visible over the dash. A timid woman might feel overwhelmed by

Big Blue. Grandma was a little shrunken, but she wasn't timid, and there wasn't a whole lot that overwhelmed Grandma. Thirty seconds after Grandma agreed to wait in the car, she was on the sidewalk, following me to Sweets front door.

1 thought you were going to wait in the car?' I said.

'I changed my mind. I thought you might need help. '

'Okay, but let me do the talking. I don't want to alarm him. '

'Sure, ' Grandma said.

'We're here to drag your behind back to jail, ' Grandma said.

'Fuck, ' Sally said. And he slammed the door shut.

'What was that?' I asked Grandma.

'I don't know. It just popped out. '

I gave another rap on the door, 'Open the door, ' I said. 'I just want to talk to you. '

Sally cracked the door and peeked at me. 'I can't go to jail. I'll lose my job. '

'Maybe I can help. '

The door opened wide, Sally stepped to the side to allow us entry, and I gave Grandma a warning glare.

'My mouth is zipped, ' she said, making a zipping gesture. 'And look, I'm locking the zipper and throwing away the key. See me throw away the key?'

Sally and I stared at Grandma.

'Mmmmf, mmmf, mmf, ' Grandma said.

'So what's new?' I asked Sally.

'I get band gigs on weekends, ' he said. 'Weekdays I drive a school bus. It's not like the glory days when I was with the Lovelies, but it's pretty cool. '

'What's with the assault charge?'

'It's bogus, man. I was having a discussion with this dude and all of a sudden he started coming on to me. And I was "Hey, man, that's not where I live, " you know. I mean, okay, so I was wearing a dress, but that's my professional persona. Wearing a dress is my thing. It's my trademark now. Sure, I was playing support for a rap group, but people still expect me to be in a pretty dress. I'm Sally

Sweet, you know? I got a reputation. '

'I could see where it might be confusing, ' Grandma said.

I was trying hard not to look appalled. 'So you hit him?'

'Only once... With my guitar. Knocked him on his keister. '

'No. But I broke his glasses. The guy was such a pussy. He started it all, and then he reported it to the police. He said I hit him for no reason. Called me a drugged-out guitar player. '

'Were you drugged out?'

'No way. Sure, I smoke weed between sets, but everybody knows weed doesn't count as drugs if you're a guitar player. And I'm real careful. I buy organic. I only do natural drugs, you know. It's okay if they're natural. Natural weed, natural 'shrooms... "

'I didn't know that, ' Grandma said.

'It's a fact, ' Sally told her. 'I think it might even be union rules that guitar players have to do weed between sets. '

'That makes sense, ' Grandma said.

'Yeah, ' I said, 'That would explain a lot. '

Sally was out of costume, wearing jeans and ratty sneakers and a faded Black Sabbath T-shirt. He was over six feet tall in flats and close to seven in heels. He had a large hook nose, and he had a lot of black hair... Everywhere. He was an okay guy, but he was without a shadow of a doubt the ugliest drag queen in the tristate area. I couldn't imagine any man in his right mind coming on to

Sally.

'Why didn't you show up for your court date?' I asked Sally.

'I had to drive the little dudes. It was a school day. I take this job very seriously. '

'And you forgot?'

'Yeah, ' he said. 'I fucking forgot. ' He closed his eyes and smacked his head with the heel of his hand. 'Darn. ' He was wearing a thick elastic band around his left wrist. He snapped the elastic against his wrist and yelped. 'Ow!'

Grandma and I both did raised eyebrows.

`I'm trying to quit cussing, ' Sally said. 'The little dudes were getting detention for talking trash mouth after getting off my bus.

So my boss gave me this elastic band, and I have to snap it every time I cuss. '

I looked down at his wrist. It was solid red welts. 'Maybe you should think about getting a different job. '

'No fucking way. Oh shit! Damn. '

Snap, snap, snap.

'Yeah, it hurts like a bitch, ' Sally said.

Snap.

If I brought Sally in now he'd have to overnight and wait for the courts to open before Vinnie could bond him out again. He didn't look like much of a threat to flee, so I decided to give him a break and bring him in during business hours. 'I have to get you rebonded, ' I said to Sally. 'We can arrange a time between bus runs. '

'Wow, that would be awesome. I always have a couple hours off in the middle of the day. '

Grandma looked at her watch. 'We better get a move on if we want to get to the funeral home on time. '

'Hey, rock on, ' Sally said. 'Who's laid out?'

'Lorraine Schnagle. I went earlier today but they had the lid down on the casket. '

Sally made a sympathetic sound. Tsk. 'Don't you hate that?'

'Drives me nuts, ' Grandma said. 'So I'm going back, hoping the lid will be up for the night viewing. '

Sally had his hands in his pockets, and he was nodding his head like a bobble-head doll. 'I hear you. Give my best to Lorraine. '

Grandmas face lit. 'Maybe you want to come with us. Even with the lid down it should be a good viewing. Lorraine was real popular. The place will be packed. And Stiva always puts out cookies. '

1 could do that, ' Sally said, still bobbing. 'Just give me a second to get more dressed up. '

Sally disappeared into the bedroom, and I made a deal with God that I'd try to be a nicer person if only Sally didn't return in sling-back heels and a gown.

When Sally reappeared he was still wearing the faded T-shirt, jeans, and ratty sneakers but he'd added dangly rhinestone earrings and a vintage tuxedo jacket. I felt like God hadn't totally come through for me, but I was willing to take a shot at honoring the deal anyway.

We all piled into the Buick and headed across town to Stiva's.

`I'm hungry, ' Grandma said. 'I wouldn't mind having a burger.

We haven't got a lot of time, though, so maybe we could do a drive-by. '

A quarter mile later I swung into the drive-thru lane of a

McDonald's and ordered a bag of food. A Big Mac, fries, and a chocolate shake for Grandma. Cheeseburger and Coke for me. A chicken Caesar salad and Diet Coke for Sally.

'Oh shit. ' Snap, snap, snap.

'Maybe you should try not to talk, ' Grandma said, 'You're gonna give yourself a blood clot with all that snapping. '

I handed the bag of food over to Grandma for distribution and pulled forward. A guy dressed out in a black do-rag, homeboy jeans, new basketball shoes, and a lot of gold jewelry that flashed in the overhead streetlight exited the McDonald's and headed for a car with a high bling rating. It was a brand-new black Lincoln Navigator with gleaming chrome wheel covers and black tinted windows. I rolled closer to get a better look and confirmed my suspicion. It was Red Devil. He was carrying a huge bag of food plus a drink holder with four cups.

Now I know the Red Devil's held up fourteen deli-marts, and I personally saw him toss a flaming Molotov cocktail into a store. So on the one hand, I had to think that this was a bad guy. Problem was, it was hard to take someone seriously when he was going around doing his robbing wearing a cheap rubber mask, riding on a mountain bike.

'Hey!' I shouted at him. 'Wait a minute. I want to talk to you. '

When I got close enough to talk, I was going to reach out and choke him until he turned blue. I didn't care all that much about his deli-mart robbing career, but I was really unhappy about my yellow Escape.

He stopped and stared at me and suddenly placed me. 'You!' he said. 'You're one of the dumb bitches who trashed my bike. '

'You're calling me dumb?' I yelled back at him. 'You're the one going around robbing stores dressed up in a stupid mask, riding a lad's bike. I bet you're too dumb to get a driver's license. '

'Dumb bitch, ' he said again. 'Dumb punk-ass bitch. '

The passenger side door opened on the Navigator, and I could hear guys laughing inside the car. Red Devil got in, slammed the door shut, and the car came to life.

I was itching to jump out of the Buick, run over to the SUV, wrench the door open, and drag the devil guy out of the car. Since, by my cup tally, there most likely were at least three other people in the Lincoln, and they might all have guns, and they might be cranky about me ruining their dinner, I decided to go with the more conservative plan of getting the license plate number and following at a respectful distance.

'Was that the devil bandit?' Grandma wanted to know. I

'Yes. '

Grandma sucked in some air. 'Let's get him! Ram him from behind, and then when he stops we'll drag him out of the car. '

'I can't do that. I have no authority to capture him. '

'Okay, so we don't capture him. How about we just kick him a couple times after we get him out of the car?'

That would be assault, ' Sally said. 'And it turns out it's illegal. '

I hit the speed dial for Morelli's number on my cell phone.

'Is this about the Japanese triplets?' Morelli wanted to know.