1,001 Facts That Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader (119 page)

906

FACT :
Within a million years, the star Eta Carinae could go supernova. Though it is 7,000 light years away from Earth, Eta Carinae’s gamma ray burst could be powerful enough
to destroy the Earth’s protective ozone layer
and kill all humans with radiation.
And then, finally, Abe Vigoda will die.

Peter Douglas Ward and Donald Brownlee, The Life and Death of Planet Earth: How the New Science of Astrobiology Charts the Ultimate Fate of Our World (Macmillan, 2003).

907

FACT :
The Andromeda galaxy is
on a collision
course with our galaxy, speeding at 720,000 miles per hour. When the two likely collide in 3 billion years, the results will be catastrophic.
That gives you just enough time to get your driver’s license renewed, so go ahead to the DMV now.

Peter Douglas Ward and Donald Brownlee, The Life and Death of Planet Earth: How the New Science of Astrobiology Charts the Ultimate Fate of Our World (Macmillan, 2003).

908

FACT :
About 7.6 billion years from now,
the sun will reach its maximum size
, extending 20 percent beyond Earth’s orbit and shining 3,000 times brighter than it does today. In its final stage, the sun will collapse into a white dwarf and engulf the Earth.
Mark your calendars!

Peter Douglas Ward and Donald Brownlee, The Life and Death of Planet Earth: How the New Science of Astrobiology Charts the Ultimate Fate of Our World (Macmillan, 2003).

David Appell, “The Sun Will Eventually Engulf Earth— Maybe,” Scientific American, September 2008,
www.scientificamerican.com
.

909

FACT :
Every year,
more than 28 million gallons of oil
from human activities pour into our rivers, lakes, and streams, an amount more than twice the size of the Exxon Valdez oil spill.
Human activities = oil changes and frying chicken.

“Why Are Our Oceans in Trouble?” Environmental Defense Fund, August 19, 2005,
www.edf.org
.

910

FACT :
80 percent of the waste that humans produce
ends up in our oceans
, including everything from solid garbage and sewage to fertilizers, oil, and toxic chemicals.
This is why I never feel guilty about pissing in the ocean. Like it’s going to hurt anything.

“Problems: Ocean pollution,” World Wildlife Federation, February 29, 2008,
www.panda.org
.

911

FACT :
Raw, untreated sewage flows into the ocean in many areas of the world, including
80 percent of urban sewage
that ends up in the Mediterranean.
If you’re reading this on the toilet, congrats, you just made a nice float for some kid in Crete.

“Problems: Ocean pollution,” World Wildlife Federation, February 29, 2008,
www.panda.org
.

912

FACT :
For decades, circulating ocean currents have picked up trash from shorelines and boats and corralled it into
two vast masses of decaying, soupy waste
, which have been dubbed the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
This spawned the late '80s toy craze, Great Pacific Garbage Patch Kids, which shot decaying, soupy candy out of their noses and butts when squeezed.

“View: The Truth about Trash,” Scientific American, January 9, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

913

FACT :
About
half of the carbon dioxide
emitted by humans in the last 200 years has been absorbed by the Earth’s oceans, causing fish migration routes to alter, sea levels to rise, coastal erosion to intensify, and currents that move nutrients upward from the deep sea to become disturbed.
If there were oceans on other planets, we could send it there, but we haven’t found any yet.

Dan Shapley, “Natural Resources Being Depleted at Record Rates,” The Daily Green, September 13, 2007,
www.thedailygreen.com
.

914

FACT :
If emission rates continue as projected, the level of mercury in the Pacific Ocean will
increase 50 percent
by the year 2050.
The level of Mercury cars in the ocean is increasing, too, as about thirty-eight people a day drive them off a pier because they’re sick of having to fix that shit. Most collect the insurance money and buy a Toyota.