1,001 Facts That Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader (94 page)

704

FACT :
Ancient Egyptians stuffed moldy bread inside wounds
to treat infections.
I bet that’s how yeast infections started.

Walter H. Lewis and Memory P. F. Elvin-Lewis, Medical Botany: Plants Affecting Human Health, 2nd ed. (John Wiley & Sons, 2003), 557.

705

FACT :
A father in early Rome could
legally sell
any family member into slavery.
My dad would’ve loved early Rome.

G. D. A. Sharpley, Essential Latin: The Language and Life of Ancient Rome, 2nd ed. (Routledge, 2000), 62.

706

FACT :
In early Rome, a father could
legally execute
any member of his household.
I’m glad I didn’t grow up in early Rome.

G. D. A. Sharpley, Essential Latin: The Language and Life of Ancient Rome, 2nd ed. (Routledge, 2000), 62.

707

FACT :
When blonde hair became fashionable in ancient Rome,
thousands of Nordic blondes were captured or slain
by Roman soldiers so that their hair could be used for wigs.
I guess this was before blondes started having more fun.

Joanna Pitman, On Blondes (Bloomsbury, 2003), 26.

708

FACT :
In 336 B.C.,
King Philip II of Macedonia was murdered by a servant
just as he was about to launch an invasion of Persia. Some historians suspect that the assassination was a conspiracy orchestrated by Philip’s own son, Alexander The Great, so he could lead the Macedonians to victory instead of his father.
And so he could change his name from “Alexander The Just Average,” which was given to him by his father.

Thom Burnett, Conspiracy Encyclopedia: The Encyclopedia of Conspiracy Theories (Franz Steiner Verlag, 2006).

709

FACT :
Ancient Egyptian court records dating to 1500 B.C. include
the world’s oldest recorded death sentence
. A teenaged male convicted of “magic” was ordered to kill himself by either poison or stabbing.
Good. Magicians should be killed. Jugglers and mimes, too. And clowns for sure.

Charles Panati, Panati’s Extraordinary Endings of Practically Everything and Everybody (New York: Harper & Row, 1989).

710

FACT :
The Classic Mayan civilization thrived for over 600 years before collapsing abruptly in the ninth century.
The cause of their extinction is unknown
, and still debated today, more than 1,100 years later.
By nerds with nothing better to do.

Frank Joseph, ed., Unearthing Ancient America: The Lost Sagas of Conquerors, Castaways, and Scoundrels (Franklin Lakes, NJ: New Page Books, 2009).

711

FACT : Poor Aztec peasants picked lice from their bodies
and offered that to the king when they had no gold to give.
Even the Aztecs knew that gifts that you make are so much more thoughtful than others.

Bruce Felton and Mark Fowler, Felton & Fowler’s More Best, Worst, and Most Unusual (New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Company, 1976).

712

FACT :
Russia was founded in the ninth century by Vikings traveling between Scandinavia and the Byzantine Empire;
the nation began as essentially a by-product of their slave raids
.
The United States began as a by-product of Christopher Columbus not knowing where the hell he was going.

“Slavery,” Encyclopædia Britannica, 15th ed.

FACT :
Every day,
Martin Luther ate a spoonful of his own excrement
. He wrote praises to God for his generosity in giving man such an important and useful remedy.
CUT TO: God, laughing His ass off.

713

Rose George, The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).