12 Rounds (25 page)

Then he gets up, tip toes across the room, and leaves me alone to be swallowed by darkness.

It’s at that moment that I decide that this is a golden opportunity for me. An opportunity to eavesdrop and discover exactly who, or what my boyfriend is keeping from me.

Chapter Thirty Two

~Sean~

It never fails.

Connie always manages to call me about business that has to do with the brotherhood  at the most inopportune moments.

For fuck’s sake, it’s 2:30 in the morning, and I was having the best dream about Hadlee, naked on my boat while we were at my lake house when my vibrating phone woke me. God damn it.  I tuck the image of Hadlee standing on the bow of my boat in her birthday suit, beckoning me closer with a seductive smirk and her finger into the back of my mind. I lean over her, kiss her hair, smiling as my heart beat accelerates.

Then I slip quietly out of the bedroom.

I wander out into my living room, plop down on the couch and speed dial Connie.

I know that relationships require honesty. They require both parties being able to trust each other. And I know that should have told Hadlee about my dealings with the brotherhood from the jump. But I didn’t.  I didn’t because I already feel like I’m falling when it comes to her. I feel like she’s Satan and I’m the sinner and I can’t wait for her to drag me to hell. I can’t wait to feel myself burn with such an intense fire for the rest of my life because she’ll be the one dousing me in flames.

Connie picks up on the third ring. “Boy-o.” There’s the slightest bit of amusement in his voice that causes a scowl to curl on my lips. I wonder if the man ever sleeps.

“What’s up, Connie?” I ask in a low voice. “Do you need something?”

“You should know this boy-o. It’s your night to pick up the drop money. Barber will be waiting. You know where to be.”

“Barber? Where’s Murph?”

“I have the big boy handling some other stuff.”

“Okay,” I say. “What’s the drop amount?”

“Ten bricks.”

“How many ounces of blow?” I wait for him to answer. “Connie?” Another stretch of silence. “Hello.”

I stare down at my phone and notice that I dropped his call. In a flash I speed dial him again, but the call goes right to his voicemail. I try three more times,  and during all of my attempts the calls go straight to his voicemail. Son of a bitch. I think  about chucking the damn phone at the wall, then again, it’s not the phone it’s the fucking service provider. I make a mental note to switch to another company. I feel like I drop a call every time I get on the phone.

Standing,  I start for my closet. I need to throw on a pair of sweats. But I don’t make it to my closet. I make an abrupt stop at the edge of the hall and can’t go any further. I can’t go any further because Hadlee is blocking me. She stands, her shoulder dipped in, propped up against the wall, her arms folded across her chest. A suspicious gleam in her baby blues and a scowl on her full lips. “So…” she says and trails off. “Who the hell is Connie?”

At first I’m mad, right? No not just mad, furious that she eavesdropped on my conversation, but then again after some time thinking about it, I know I should have expected it. I’m always slipping out bed at odd hours, taking phone calls and leaving her to take them. I guess I should have suspected that she’d grow suspicious. I brush past her and she follows me down the hall. “Well, Sean. Who is she?”

I don’t mean to laugh but I do. “She?” I reach into my closet and pull out a pair of sweat pants.

“Yes, she,” Hadlee snaps, gripping onto my arm and spinning me to face her. “What…What….” she stammers. She’s flustered and there’s a hint of red in her cheeks. “What am I not good enough for you? Are you the type of guy who likes to have his cake and eat it too?”

I freeze. It’s like all the noise has been sucked out of the room with a giant vacuum. Time stands still. The only thing I can hear is my heart. I hear it throbbing. Hammering. Richoceting against the walls of my ribcage. Hadlee drops her hand from my arm. I take her face in both of my hands and study her features. “Is that what you think?” I slip my hand around the back of her head  and tangle my fingers in her hair. “Hadlee, never. Maybe some guys are like that, but I am not one of them.” I graze my fingertips against her cheek. “You’re all I’ll ever want. You’re all I’ll ever need. You have to know that.”

She pulls away from me, her eyes cast downward, her voice soft. It’s on the precipice of breaking. She’s struggling to keep a straight face. I have a feeling that flood gates are going to open at any second. “I don’t know what to think,” she says slowly. “There are times where I feel like you’re distracted. Where you aren’t listening to me. Then there are times like this. Where you sneak off in the middle of the night, and do God only knows what.”

I feel guilty for making her worry. But I’m not sure if she’ll understand about my other life. My life with guns, drugs, and glances over the shoulder. My life where the brotherhood comes first, everything else second.

Hadlee starts walking to the door, and I lace my fingers through hers. “
A-lainn
, wait.” She loves when I call her beautiful in Gaelic. She faces me now, eyes watering, brow creased. I blanket her, covering her with my arms, and holding her close. I bury my nose in her hair, smelling her vanilla scented shampoo. “Hadlee, baby, Connie is a man. A very, very bad man. He’s someone I got mixed up in with some things because I made a poor decision when I was a boy-o. I haven’t told you about the things I’m mixed up in because I don’t want you involved in any way. I don’t even want them to know we’re together.” For Christ sake  I haven’t even told Murph yet. And I don’t keep anything from him. “It’s very important that you understand that.” If Connie ever tried to hurt me by using Hadlee, I’m not sure what I’d do, but I am one hundred percent certain that it would involve jail time. And I wouldn’t put it past the old fucker. He has a knack for trying to manipulate the dudes in the brotherhood by using their loved ones.

Hadlee lifts her chin, narrowing her eyes. “What sort of things?”

Gee, I don’t know. The mob. One of the most notorious drug cartels in the state. I could go on forever with this list. “It’s complicated.”

She walks across the room and plops down on my couch. She pats the empty spot next to her, giving me a stern look. “I have time. I can listen. I’d like you to elaborate. I’d like you to tell me about,” she makes quotation marks with her finger, “these things you’re mixed up in.” She exhales sharply. “And I don’t want to hear it’s complicated again. You can’t friggin shut me out, Sean. You have to tell me what’s going on. That’s what you do in a relationship. You communicate. You talk things out. Even when things are bad trust and communication is important. I can’t lie in bed alone every night worrying about you or having jealous feelings. I’ve just now built myself back up to being an almost stable person. Almost. And I don’t want that stability to slip away again. I don’t want to go back to the beginning and have to try and find all the pieces of me to put myself back together again.”

I eye the clock. I’ve got ten minutes to make it downtown. Even though I’d love nothing more than to tell her everything, I know that right now, my time is limited. “Hadlee, I can’t right now but I—”

She cuts me off with a hand gesture and stands, “Forget it.” She storms to my door and grips the knob. I grab her by the wrist, but she wrenches her arm away. “If being honest with me is too much for you then I can’t do this.”

The pain twisted on her features is what stabs my heart. I swallow hard, wanting to scream at her, but I don’t. I want to tell her how much she means to me and how I’d die for her, but I can’t. I want to tell her that she’s brought more into my life in the last three months than anyone has in the last seven years. She’s given me something I thought I’d never have. She’s given me hope. “Hadlee, you wouldn’t understand if I told you.”

Her fingers slip from the doorknob and her voice lowers to a rasp, “Try me.”

“I don’t have time!” I yell in frustration. “Connie hates it when I’m late!”

She glances at me, a glint of anger in her eyes. “Does this Connie guy run your life? Doesn’t he understand that he just called you out of bed at two in the morning? It’s awfully selfish of him to treat you like a dog and expect you to come running whenever he whistles for you.” Her fingers slide up my cheekbones and her eyes flit over my face. She studying me, willing me to look into her eyes, but I don’t.

I won’t.

I can’t.

“Sean, you don’t have to go. You can stay here. You can talk to me. I promise you, I’ll do the best I can to understand.”

I let out a chuckle laced with a chill of madness. “I have to go.” There’s so much I want to say right now, but I can’t. Not only can I not find words, but there’s pressure building in chest. I feel like I can’t breathe. I know what’s coming. I know that the only person I’ve ever cared about, or maybe even loved is about to walk out of my door.

And there’s nothing I can do to stop her.

Chapter Thirty Three

~Hadlee~

I’m doing my best to keep myself together, but every now and then I feel a piece of me fall apart.

At first my eyes water.

My lips quiver.

The pain in my heart is overwhelming and I have to fight the urge to clutch my chest.

With every passing second I feel like I’m melting and soon I’m going to be a puddle of emotion on Sean’s hardwood floor.

Sean backs away from me, his eyes on the face of the grandfather clock in his living room, and when he starts to brush past that’s when I lose it. “I know you think you’ve done some bad things,” I tell him, tears dripping down my cheeks. “But I refuse to believe that you’re that guy.” I wipe my eyes as heat rises to my cheeks. “Everyone makes mistakes, Sean. You can start fresh. Build a new life. You can redeem yourself.”

“I’m not that guy.” His voice has taken on a hard edge. Then he shakes his head. “That’s what you don’t get, Hadlee. I made a pledge to Connie. I made a pledge of my loyalty in exchange for the well being of Teagan. And when you pledge your loyalty to this organization the only way out is death.”

The word death rings in my ears and knocks the wind out of my lungs. An image of him, lying lifeless on the pavement flashes before my eyes. More tears spill out of my eyes. I’m desperate to make him believe that he’s worthy of having a happy life. That he can get out of this mess and overcome anything if he puts his mind to it. I reach out to him, but he backs away from me. “Then we’ll take off. You and me. We’ll start over.”

“Cowards run,” he snaps. “I’m not and will never be a coward.”

“It’s not cowardly to look back and admit to yourself that you made a mistake. It’s not cowardly to want and hope for more out of your life. It’s not cowardly to try to redeem yourself. That’s where you’re so, so wrong, Sean.”

At that moment he loses it. His jaw clenches. His hands ball into fists. “No! Hadlee! No! I can’t go anywhere! I can’t get out! It doesn’t matter if I want it or not! Hope means nothing to a man like Connie! Life and death means nothing to a man like Connie! If I leave he’ll go after Teagan and that’s not someone’s life I’m willing to bargain with! For fuck’s sake, I sold my soul to the devil and that’s my burden to bear!” He pushes past me, grips the doorknob, and swings the door open. “And if you can’t understand that, than it’s best that you get out now.”

I feel like I’ve been holding breath for the last five minutes and when the door finally slams that’s when I let everything out. I bury my face in my hands and fall back onto his couch, tucking my legs into a ball.

I rock back forth crying harder than I ever have before.

I want to go after him.

I want to tell him that I’m sorry. That I care about him. Worry about him. That they might as well put me in a body bag too if anything happens to him. It’s during that moment, when I lift my head and stare at the closed door,  that I know that I love him.

I know it and can feel it vibrating through my heart. A pain so deep, and so intense that it’s consuming me. Swallowing me like a tidal wave in the Atlantic ocean. The only thing I can do is choke on my own sobs and hug my legs tighter, burying my head in my knees.

He was right, though.

He’s mixed up in some bad, bad shit.

I could tell just how bad and dire his situation is by the tone in his voice.

And he’s right, I should get out now.

I should.

But I’m not sure if I can make myself.

Every second I spend with him, I feel like he’s pulling me under. I feel like I’m floating on top of crystalline blue waters, and when he drags me down to his depths I don’t care if I suffocate. I don’t care if I drown.

I do know one thing for sure though. He said cowards run. I think there is a bit of truth to that statement  although I can’t agree entirely.

In our situation, if I walk out on him now, when he needs me the most, yes, I’ll be a coward. It will be so much easier for me to run away and pretend like we never happened. It will be so much easier for me to abandon him. Yes, it will break my heart, but it will be easier.

It will be better.

Right?

Right?

It doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell myself I’m right, because deep down I know I’m not. I know all too well, that the only way to help Sean, to be there for him, and love him is to fight for him.

Even if I get hurt.

Even if I wind up in pain and with a broken heart.

Even if it takes me back to that dark place in my life.

Even if I wind up scattered across the hard wood floor in pieces.

I have to fight for him.

There’s no more debating it.

I have to.

Because God only knows when he’ll be willing to fight for himself.

Here’s a sneak peek at the next book in the Knockout Series.

13 Rounds

November 2012