18 Things (33 page)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways…”
―Isaiah 55: 8-9

ow’s your ice cream?” Nate asked.

“Perfect.”

He laughed as I licked the chocolate-coated sprinkles dripping along the side of my cone. “You look a mess.”

I grabbed a napkin to wipe my mouth, but before I could, he said, “Let me take care of that.”

He drew my lips to his and slid his arms around my waist, holding me close.

I pulled away after a minute, but only slightly. “Another thing I love about you. You’re always full of surprises.”

“Life is full of surprises,” he said, releasing me and gazing out toward the Grand River channel leading out to Lake Michigan, the lighthouse and pier looming in the distance.

All around us, couples and families relaxed on their blankets stretching out across the grassy knolls along the boardwalk, enjoying a perfect day. It was Memorial Day weekend. I would’ve never guessed a year ago I could feel this happy. Back then it felt like there’d never be anything important in my life again, only the accident and dealing with the accident. But this was the weekend last year when everything changed for me, when I was introduced to Nate at the counselor’s office. It seemed like just yesterday we met but also a million years ago.

We were about to head to the hospital for our last therapy session. Dr. Judy asked us to come in together today.

Nate ran a lanky hand through his hair longer than ever.

“I have one more surprise for you before we head to the hospital.” He reached for his case.

“I was wondering why you brought Breedlove with you.” I nodded toward his guitar and then he strummed some chords.

“I wrote a song called
Summertime
for you. Wanna hear it?”

I smiled. “The blue sky and the warm sun are nice, but there’s nothing I love more than you singing a song. Of course I do!”

He looked into my eyes as he sang, and I swore I could get lost and found in him at the same time, if that made any sense.

“While I sit here eating apples/ your love for me baffles/ my mind/ like I should push away so you can find someone refined/ But then lightning strikes/ and eighteen things change our lives/ as love rocks me like a baby/ I know that this sounds crazy/ but I wake up to birds on my window sill/ and they sing to me that this is for real/ So under the Michigan sun/ my life with you has finally begun/ even though I met you a year ago/ It took me a while to say I love you so/ But now it’s summertime/ and I’m gonna make you all mine/ we’ll carve our initials in the sand/ and I’ll brag about you to the guys in the band/ Let’s drift away out to the sea/ Cause baby you are all that I need/ in summertime.”

Tears fell from my eyes. “That was really beautiful. Thank you.”

He handed me a napkin, and I dried my face.

“You’re beautiful, and you’re very welcome. You ready?”

Standing, he held out his hand and I grabbed it, letting him pull me up.

It’s funny how I actually felt like I was going to miss high school and being at home. I never thought I would, but this past year somehow connected me to this place in a lasting way. Still, as the sun beat down upon us in a summer scorching way, comfortingly familiar and helping us keep track of time, I knew the brightest days were ahead.

The timer went off in Dr. Judy’s office, signaling the end of a session. When the door opened, I was surprised to see my parents walking out.

“Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?”

To my dismay, they ignored me and exited the waiting room, heading down the hospital corridor, Dad’s arm draped around Mom’s sagging shoulders.

“They can’t hear you now,” Dr. Judy said, standing in the doorframe. “Please, come in, both of you.”

My sneakers squeaked against the tile as I walked past her with wobbly legs. We took our seats in front of her desk, and she closed the door behind us.

My breathing came rapidly.

Nate placed his hand on my back, rubbing circles there, trying in vain to comfort me.

“What’s going on?” I asked Dr. Judy as she sat in the leather chair behind her desk.

She scooted forward, hands folded neatly on the flat mahogany surface. “Well, you two have a lot to digest during your last session today, but it’s time you learned the truth. I’ve been keeping a secret from you. A big secret.”

Nate’s brows drew together as he looked at me and then back to Dr. Judy and said, “I’m guessing this secret isn’t a good thing?”

She nodded. “Nate, you died in that car crash a year ago.”

My breath caught as he squeezed my hand.

“You’re crazy. If I’m dead, then how is she here? How are you here?”

Leaning across the table toward me, eyes intense, she asked, “I bet Olga can answer that question. How are you here?”

For a brief moment, I thought,
leave it to a psychiatrist to answer a question with a question.
But then, I got it, and I hugged myself with shaking arms, squeezing Nate’s hand harder than ever as I sobbed.

“What? What is it?” he asked, wrapping me in a hug.

“I never told you this.” It was difficult to get the words out even now. “I took some, some pills. Twenty of them. They were pain meds after the boating trip, after Conner died. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to die, to commit suicide or whatever.”

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, but I finally got the courage to look him in the eye.

“You mean, you’re dead, too?” he asked with a trembling lip.

Dr. Judy gave another quick nod. “Yes.”

“Then who are you?” he asked the doctor. “You’re dead? I don’t get it. What is all this about? How have we been living our lives the past year if we’re dead?”

She offered a sad smile. “I am your guiding spirit through the after-death purification process.”

He rubbed a hand over his face.

I still couldn’t stop crying.

“The what?”

I was just as confused as Nate. Maybe
this
was all a dream.

I lost my grip on reality after Conner’s death. Maybe I never got it back. Maybe this was all in my head. But somehow, I knew she told the truth.

Nate, however, still seemed skeptical as he bit his fingernails. I didn’t blame him. I was just numb. I was so happy not even ten minutes ago, and now, I just didn’t know how to feel.

Staring at the picture of Grand Haven Pier behind Dr. Judy’s desk, I found myself wishing I could click my heels three times and be whisked away to a boat and sail far, far away from here. Maybe I could, if this was Heaven. But I didn’t think it was.

Dr. Judy ran a hand through her butterscotch hair. “You both died accidentally but through your own bad choices. Olga wasn’t attempting suicide outright, but a little part of her knew she was risking death when she took those pills. No, she wasn’t actually trying to die, rather just trying to escape her pain, just like you when you decided to street race your car at one hundred miles per hour. Since you were both children of God, and because you both had people interceding for your souls on Earth, God did not want to condemn you to everlasting separation between you and Him, the Creator of all things. But because you died without receiving God’s grace, love, and healing, you were not pure enough to enter Heaven.”

Nate and I looked at each other, his mouth falling open. Tilting his head, he asked, “So, this has been purgatory? It’s real? I thought it was all just folklore.”

Dr. Judy raised her hands in front of her and gestured around the room. “More like a form of limbo. You’re on a spiritual plane where you created your own reality, your own timeline.”

Nate pursed his lips for a moment. “So, nothing that happened during the past year was real? It was like one big dream?”

“Whatever happened was real to you and Olga, and that’s all that matters. You see, prayers were sent up to Heaven when both of you died. People wished you could’ve gotten to live your lives because you died so young.” She trained her eyes on only me now. “You never got your driver’s license, never went on a date and had your first kiss, never graduated high school or got your hard-earned acceptance letter to college. My suggestion of a life list was an effort to take you through those experiences, and even though you and Nate were separate projects assigned to me, I was delighted when you started to work together on your healing.” She smiled, light seeming to radiate from her, as though Nate and I had made her extremely proud. “In the process, you both found love, you both received love, and finally found a way to love yourselves. You had things to work out, so you had to stay here for a while, but now you can move on. That’s what today’s session is about.”

My shoulders slumped. Even though I should’ve been happy at this thought, something still bothered me. “What about everyone else we left behind? I mean, yay for me, I’m healed. But I was my parent’s only daughter. Do they get to
move on
?”

Eyes narrowing, she said, “They’ll move on with time. They have to work out their own healing, but I’ll help them, too.”

She twiddled her thumbs, like she was trying to figure out how best to explain things.

I rubbed my arms. “Yeah. How does that work? You said they can’t hear me now? But they’re not in this spirit realm, right?”

For a second, I had the sickening thought they were dead too.

“No. For this appointment only, I let you cross over to Earth, in case you didn’t believe me… so you could see for yourselves.”

Weaving my hands into my hair, I pulled it back into a ponytail. “So, they still look that sad, a year later?”

She nodded, an encouraging smile on her face. “Yes, but they are getting better. You may think right now the last year was all for nothing, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. Just as their prayers affected your afterlife, your actions during the purification process affected them too, helping them go on with their lives. Even when you were alive on Earth, there was always a spirit realm at work; you were just unaware of it then.”

Turning away, I glanced out the window. “I want a do-over.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “There are no do-overs in life once you’re dead. All your friends have that YOLO saying backwards. It should be YODO because really, you live every day, but… You Only
Die
Once.”

I looked at Nate. A grim expression twisted his mouth and I wondered if he was thinking what I thought. Where’s the candid camera, because this had to be a joke.

Dr. Judy wrung her hands. “So sorry, but no do-overs. And there are no shortcuts in the after-death purification process. There are things each person must accomplish here before they can move on, and you have. Congratulations.”

I watched Nate’s gaze travel around the room, to the couch against the wall, to the shelves filled with books and puzzles, finally to the chairs we sat in. “But why not just tell us from the start this was all fake? I mean, no one likes to feel duped, you know? Why not just tell us the situation we were in from the first time we met here?”

Dr. Judy smiled at Nate, and Nate stared at her.

“Those are the rules of this realm. I don’t make them, but I play by them. My guess is many wouldn’t care about their success if they knew they were dead. Just like you two at the start of this process. Many wouldn’t care about their soul at first and the risk of truly dying as a consequence of not completing their mission. Think back to the beginning—you were both very depressed spirits.”