183 Times a Year (11 page)

It was I've come to realise an unrealistic, unspoken expectation, borne out of rules and silent imperatives absorbed from an array of social and cultural affiliations; especially family movies and television adverts. Sadly, as with most things, fantasy and reality are two completely different experiences.

In case you're in any doubt, take heed of the following unwritten rules, when shopping with your teenage daughter:

Teenage daughters do not smile, unless they are with friends,
only
frowning is permitted.

Teenage daughters do not laugh, unless they are with friends, only growling is permitted.

Do not make it obvious that you are out with your teenage daughter – especially if she sees her friends.

If you do see her friends, you must run, crouch down amongst the clothes,
anything
that ensures you are
not
seen.

Yes, your teenage daughter will allow you to buy her a coffee, cappuccino, frappucinno, organic smoothie, double choc espresso or whatever the hell else there is to choose from. As long as you sit at separate tables.

Do not ever – under any circumstance – shout across the lingerie department that: “This is a lovely bra; what size are you again?
”

Understand the default response from your teenage daughter to the word NO is: “But it only costs…”

And finally, the second reason Cassie, shopping and I don't work is quite simply because I have turned into my mother. Not the calm, older but wiser version of late, but the one who blurts out comments like: “How short?” or “Is that a top or a dress?” or “How much?” or “How high?”

I swore I would never subject any daughter of mine to such questioning. After all, surely such statements were only made out of a deep-rooted need to ruin my life weren't they? How was I supposed to know at that naive but arrogant time of my life they were actually borne out of an indisputable love and genuine concern for my welfare? And anyway, such questions almost always result in your teenage daughter's face, to quote my Dad, “looking like a slapped arse”.

I'm
hopeful for the future though. I'm sure one day will find Cassie and I on a shopping trip that doesn't find her completely repulsed by my presence and where I no longer have the urge to hurl her from the top of the multi-storey car park or under the next passing bus. Until such a time I have friends.

CASSIE

I don't quite know how this happened but I'm now clothes shopping with Ruby. Mum has to work extra hours or something so she asked Ruby to meet me, but that's okay coz Ruby is like well sick.

I had to catch the bloody bus to the city though and all coz neither Mum nor Maisy would take time off work to pick me up. I told Mum to tell her boss it was an emergency, explain to her how important it was that I actually get a dress for
the
party of the year, and just ask for half an hour off to come and collect me and drop me off. It's a perfectly normal request. Don't know why Mum got so bloody moody about it.

It's not my fault our stupid little town is about ninety miles away from the main city. Well, actually it's only about nine miles but it feels like bloody ninety on those bloody old, juddering buses that smell of stale wee and BO and baby sick and diesel.

Ruby lives in the city. She's the same age as Mum and like an aunt to me really coz she's been in my life since I was born. And Andy has too of course. Its better being with Ruby anyway coz she's like well chilled and she spoils me. I think that's coz she lost Lilly though.

Lilly was only 4 years old when she died; of meningitis I think it was. I thought she had a cold and it like well scared me because she was literally here one minute and gone the next. I was only a year older than Lilly and because Mum and Ruby were best friends, me and Lilly grew up together. Like sisters
really.
I couldn't believe it when she died. I became like well paranoid for a while. Every time someone sneezed I thought I was going to lose them. It didn't take meningitis or death to lose Dad though did it.

I keep a photo of me and Lilly in my purse. I keep it there coz I forget what she looked like sometimes. I talk about her quite a bit with Mum, but not with Ruby; she closes down if you try. Even with Mum. She just won't talk about her, which is like well weird coz Ruby likes to talk about
everything
.

Grandad says Ruby can talk the hind legs off a donkey, whatever the hell that means? But clearly she likes to talk a lot, except about Lilly. I've given up trying coz it's obvious it upsets Ruby. I don't really understand why she and Andy didn't have more children after Lilly but then again, I don't understand adults full stop.

‘I don't know about you babe,' Ruby says, ‘but I'm parched. Let's grab a coffee or something eh?'

We've only been looking round the shops for an hour, and I still haven't found anything, but I don't suppose it would do any harm to stop for a while. My feet are like well killing me from all this walking.

Ruby decides to take me to Catalina's, which is like
the
place to eat, but it's like mega expensive. You virtually have to be a millionaire or something to eat there, but then again Ruby and Andy do have loads of money so I guess they can afford it.

They're not flash about it though; they don't think they're better than anyone else or anything.

Okay, so like Ruby's flirting with one of the waiters, which is like slightly embarrassing coz she's at least fifty years older than him. Whatever she's saying is working though coz in only a few minutes we are being seated at a nice little table for two.

The waiter looks at me, and winks. I can feel myself go bright red coz he is pretty gawjuss. He's waaaay too old for me though.
He
must be at least 20, maybe even 21 years old.

He looks at Ruby and speaks.

‘So ladies, can I get you a something to drinka?' His voice is low and has the soft hint of an Italian accent. ‘Maybe a coffee, or a tea, yes?' he continues.

‘Coffee?' Ruby asks. She sounds like well offended. ‘Have we no wine here sir?' she booms.

The waiter grins at Ruby and before I know it she's ordered us both a glass of white wine each.

‘Shakespeare,' Ruby says to me, as if he just walked in the room.

‘Where?' I reply looking round the restaurant slightly puzzled coz I'm fairly sure he died about a zillion years ago.

‘The quote I just said,' she continues, ‘can't remember which play though. Your Mum would know of course; she was brilliant at English at school. Well, she was brilliant at most things but she loved English. And reading; always had her head in a bloody book.'

‘She still does,' I reply.

I look at Ruby's older, slightly plump face and find it hard to imagine her and Mum ever being young. The waiter swings back towards us carrying a tray with two glasses of wine.

‘But I'm not old enough,' I mumble to Ruby through gritted teeth, squirming uncomfortably on my chair. The waiter plonks a glass of cold, crisp wine in front of me.

‘Course you are. You're old enough to do all sorts of things at 16 and if you can smoke weed you can certainly have a small glass of wine with me, just don't tell your Mum for god's sake.' Ruby laughs.

‘I don't … didn't,' I start to protest.

‘Oh chill Cassie, for god's sake. Let's have some fun eh?'

I smile and take a sip of wine from what seems like a very large glass to me. It feels deliciously wrong but right at the same
time.
The wine is cold and sort of fruity but tart at the same time. I can feel it going down as it hits my empty stomach. I didn't eat any breakfast this morning coz I want to look slim for the party. Not that I'll ever have a figure like Chelsea of course.

We nibble on Pintxo and wait for our Pringa and salad to arrive. I'm not really sure what any of the food is that Ruby has ordered but as long as it's nothing rank, like snails or something, I don't really care.

I watch Ruby and notice her eyes following the waiter. As if Ruby. You're like waaaaay too old for him. He'd like never look at you in that way. Oh my actual god I don't believe it. It's like well minging but he's actually smiling at her, and I'm pretty sure it is in that
way
. Urrggghh! That's just rank. I feel a bit embarrassed and look away for a minute. Why is there a painting of a cow above our table?

The waiter leaves again and Ruby looks at me, grinning. ‘What?' I ask.

‘C'mon then Cas, spill the beans, who are you really getting dressed up for? Who's going to be at this party that you're so desperate to notice you?'

Desperate. I'm not bloody desperate. ‘What'd ya mean? I told you, I just wanna look nice for the party.'

‘Hmmmmm likely story,' Ruby continues. ‘You have plenty of nice outfits hanging up in your wardrobe that would do. You're trying to dress to impress someone. I was 16 too you know.'

Arrggghh! Why are adults always so annoyingly right? I shift uncomfortably on my chair and look up sheepishly from my wine glass.

‘Joe,' I finally admit, ‘his name is Joe.'

‘I knew it,' Ruby replies, triumphantly clapping her hands together. ‘And what does Joe look like?'

‘Hey Cassie.'

Someone's
calling me, and her voice sounds terrifyingly familiar. I look around the restaurant and am absolutely mortified. Pheebs has just sat down at a table nearby. With Joe. My Joe! And just to add insult to injury, Chelsea's with them too. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. Is it possible to die of embarrassment because I think that's what's happening to me right now? The three, well two at least, most perfect people on the whole entire planet – well, except for Ed Sheeran, Kurt Cobain (but he's dead so I guess he doesn't count) and of course Alex Turner – are sitting together and who am I stuck with? Some old woman. This has to be one of
the
worst moments of my whole entire life. It really couldn't get much worse.

‘S'up Cassie?'

‘Oh, err, hiya.'

Oh shit, thankyou god of chaos. Did you just wake up this morning and decide to piss all over my parade? Now Chelsea's brother, Ollie, the best-looking boy in the whole entire world, has joined them too.

‘You ok Cas?' Ruby asks. ‘Only I'm guessing that one of those delicious looking young men is Joe?'

I clench my teeth. ‘Sssshhhhh,' I reply. ‘How do you know?'

‘Well, given that you've slumped down in your chair, your hand is now over your face as if trying to hide and the colour of your cheeks perfectly matches the tomatoes on your plate, I'd say it's a bit of a dead giveaway.'

I try to smile but I feel sick inside. This wine has given me a headache. Ruby and I keep talking, in very hushed voices and I try to explain to her who everyone is.

‘Hummph,' she says, ‘so they're Ronnie Divine's kids eh? Scummy little man.'

‘What do you mean? He's still married to their Mum you know, not divorced like my Mum and Dad. I thought they were perfect? They look like the perfect family to me.'

‘
Yeah well, mark my words Cassie, appearances can be deceiving. Look,' Ruby continues, ‘I can see you're eager to get away but just follow my lead, ok?'

‘What? What do you mean?' I ask slightly alarmed.

‘What are you going to do?'

‘Something that helps,
I hope
; something that raises your kudos with these fake big fish in their little pond.'

‘Raises my Q what?' I ask nervously. She calls the waiter over and is talking quietly in his ear. He places his hand gently on her shoulder. She pats his hand and they both laugh.

I sneak a look at Joe and the others and they're all laughing too. Everyone's laughing except me. I look back at Ruby and the waiter. The waiter looks at me, winks again and disappears. Ruby grins at me. I stare at her.

‘What then?' I ask, feeling a little uneasy.

‘You'll see,' she says mischievously.

Chapter 10

BO-HO CHIC

LIZZIE

I can hear laughter before I reach the front door. I throw my bag

down under the stairs in the hallway and kick my shoes off. God it feels good to get some air to my poor aching feet. Romeow our tabby cat is sitting half way up the stairs, proficiently washing behind his ears. He stops mid lick and looks down at me. His expression is one of contempt and lends itself to the words, “Oh – it's you”. He's a temperamental cat to say the least, social but not particularly sociable, his grumpy demeanour the perfect complement to the other teenagers in the house.

‘Hey Romeow. Bad day?' I ask. He continues to stare at me before reluctantly managing a small, very lethargic meow.

‘I know, I know,' I continue. ‘C'mon.' I pat the stair above me. ‘Romeow – c'mon, come and say hello.'