2 Maid in the Shade (24 page)

Mona: “You know what they say: “Music soothes the savage beast.” Me: “It’s breast.”

Mona: “That can’t be right honey, not every beast has breasts.”

Chapter 1
8

A
s soon as we arrived Lucy led us to the kitchen where her twins were hanging out with Betty. I was delighted when they rushed me hard enough to knock me back and I wished I had brought something for them.

“
What are you monkeys up to? How was camp?”

“Oh Miss Gretchen,” Carrie
said, twisting her fingers in my hair as I knelt for hugs and news, “it was fantabulous! They have really good horses and a lake and the counselors know us and they asked us which horses we wanted before they assigned them!”

“Sweetie, you don't have to call me Miss Gretchen,” I smiled looking from Carrie to
Branson, “just call me Gretchen.”

B
ranson put his mouth to my ear and whispered loudly “Can we call you Aunt Gretchen?”

“I w
ould love that, what does your mom think?”

L
ucy looked over her shoulder and grinned as she made coffee, “I think that's an excellent idea.”

I
hugged them both tightly before rising back up. “Now what camp are you going to next?”

“
Rugby!” They shouted.

L
ucy shrugged, “They’re inseparable so they take turns choosing.”

“
Aunt Gretchen?”

“What sugarplum
?”

“Can we spend the night with you sometime
?”

“Now that,” I said firmly, “is a fantastic idea
. I will have to figure out something fun for us to do.”

“We could teach you to bake!” Carrie offered. “Betty is teaching us to make biscuits right now!”

“I’d like to learn how to make biscuits,” I grinned “But I’m all grown-up, what makes you think I can't bake?”

“We heard Momma telling Daddy about the pound cake last year, they were laughing. It's in the freezer.”

I shook my head, “Why would you keep that thing Lucy?”

“That’s what I asked her,” Betty said as she added homemade snacks to the refreshment tray for our movie, “I swear that whole fridge tilted when she stuck it up there
. I moved it to the middle to be safe.”

Lucy shrugged, “I'm sentimental. Plus
, I thought it might come in handy if you ever get married. I'll put it out at the reception” she laughed.

Carrie jumped up and down with excitement. “Are you getting married M- I mean Aunt Gretchen?”

“Nope
, sweetie, I don't even have a boyfriend.”

“She could,”
Jackson said meaningfully, “She got a deputy all tied up in knots.”

“What about you
?” I queried, swiftly changing focus away from my own foundered love life “You got anybody you're serious about Jackson?”

“If I did
, would I be spending the evening with this coven?”

“There you go,” I said, “Insult the very women who have given you the barest hint of a social life.”

“Barest hint describes it alright; desperate times,” Jackson said sadly.

“You all get on now and leave me and the
children in peace,” Betty spoke up, shaking at finger at Lucy.

W
e all got big hugs from the twins and then, balancing our trays, went upstairs for the movie.

J
ackson clearly knew his way around the equipment; but we were just getting into Django when the movie froze. Jackson wound it and rewound it again, but it kept stopping at the same place until out of exasperation we tried to decide between the others. All of us had seen at least one of them, Mona confessed that she had tried to watch Hanna before and it had scared her; “Just that killer coming after a child and whistling while he did it. Now that is cold blooded. I left the theater after that, and had to sit in the lobby 'til the next movie finished.”

“Why's that
?” asked Jackson.

“I wasn't going out in that lot by myself
you nimrod!”

“
After the way you reacted when I jumped ya’ll I have to say I’m shocked anything would scare Mona,” I said.

O
ut of the darkness a whistling tune began and Mona reached back and swatted Jackson.

“Hey
, that was Lucy!” He protested.

“
That tune is kind of chilling though; it's the same as in Kill Bill right?” Jackson said. “Wasn’t that the fake nurse?”

“Sounds close
to it but not the same,” I said. “As a matter of fact I heard a dark lord from my old job whistling that recently; the one you just did is the Tarrentino one.”

“Who was that
?” Lucy craned her neck and scowled at me for withholding intel.

I
gave her a meaningful look back, a reminder that she was still on probation although I would have desperately loved to share more about the day downtown and particularly the troubling phone call I had gotten from “Irinia” and the awful message from Ben.

“Oh,” I said casually, “a partner I used to know. He works at my old firm and I saw him when I was visiting
Dallas.”

“When was this
?” Mona asked, “When did you go to Dallas?”

“I didn't, it's the name of the man I went to visit.”

“I don't hold with this newfangled way of naming your kids after places.”

“Mona, it isn't that new
, and most of the places were named for historical figures anyway. Like Charlotte, Queen Charlotte. Besides, Dallas is in his sixties.”

“Well I still don't hold with it.”

“I don't see how that’s your call to make,” Jackson said, “Besides, what about my name? I just figured my Momma liked the name, but there is a Jackson, Mississippi.”

“I'm surprised your Momma didn't tell you,” Lucy grinned. “You were named after
Jackson Hole.”

“Now that's just rude,
” Jackson said.

“Humph,” Mona said, “What
’s next I ask you? People naming their kids after places, and rocks and fruits—no offense Jackson, I tell you I won’t be surprised if somebody names their kid “red ditch” or “grassy knoll” It’s like they think them up on the way to the hospital at the drop of a cat.”

“Hat,”
murmured Lucy.

“See that
, someone’s gone and named their kid “Hat” you say? I just do not hold with it, those poor little Apples and Hats; I don’t know what kind of future you can have with names like those.”

“ANYWAY,” I said, “movie night is officially a flop, all you're doing is squabbling and that whistle song is in my head now and really giving me the creeps.”

“Huh,” Jackson said, “never thought I'd see the day when anything gave you the creeps. Seeing as what you do for a living and all.”

“T
hat generally doesn't feel dangerous; the danger has passed when I go in. I just deal with aftermath.”

“W
hy don't we get that tune outa your head, go to Bunburry’s like we was supposed to?” asked Mona, “lots of music there.”

“Nope, I'm
going to head out,” I said firmly, gathering up the refuse from our snacks to carry downstairs.

“
Humph,” Mona said, “I'm just going to come right out and tell ya’ll. That was boring. Here I am thinking we are gonna have fun and it isn't even 8:00.”

T
hey all looked at me.

“Yeah
, I'm kinda bummed too. Why don't we just go over for an hour or so?” Jackson asked.

“Easy for you to say,” Mona said, “wearing that skin tight shirt and
fancy jeans you're dressed for it. Lucy's fine too, it's me and Gretchen got problems.”

I
was startled, “What problems?”

“I’d barely pass with what I got on but you? You might as well wear flip-flops to a shit kicking contest.”

I looked at the three of them in confusion.

“She means you’d be bringing a knife to a gun fight,” Lucy explained.

“She mean’s you’d be like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest,” Jackson explained at the same time.

M
ona stood up indignantly. “I said what I meant and I meant what I said. You and me: We are ill-prepared.”

“She's right,
” Jackson said, “Lucy and I look foineee... But you two need a little spiffing up. Lucy you take one I'll take the other and meet me at Mona's since I'll get done the fastest, Mona you probably already had something laid out to wear right?”

“I
had an outfit all picked out I can be ready in ten minutes.” she said excitedly.

“Oh
, it will take that long to get a fire burning and toss whatever costume you came up with in it. But you’ve kept everything you’ve ever bought so I have plenty to choose from.”

Mona nudged me, “See there, that there shows the value of hanging onto stuff. People are so hard on hoard mongers but they sure don’t mind it when they need something in a scramble. You might do well to remember that honey. The only thing you have a gracious plenty of seems to be underwear. A gal can’t get far in life with only a pair of nice panties on.”

“I’m here to dispute that statement,” Lucy sniggered.

“Seems to me you get further in life if you leave the panties off and videotape yourself,” Jackson agreed.

“
I don’t hold with that either,” Mona said jerking her thumb back to point at her chest. “Maybe I could get famous for whotubing myself in the altogether but nobody sees these goods until they’ve earned it.”

“Thank you Jesus,” muttered
Jackson.

“Oh, I’d make an exception for you,” Mona said cheerfully. “I know what side of the bed you sleep on, wouldn’t faze you at all.”

“Mona you have no idea what such a powerful image could do to a man. Might make him change his sexual preferences completely.”

“
I can’t be held responsible for making a gay man try to go straight.”

“Or vice versa,”
Jackson murmured.

“Ok then, I’m not about to
mess around with nature. And I will need help with my Spanx so Lucy, I’m countin’ on you.”

S
he grinned and picked up her massive purse. “Fix me up good and fix me up fast, I’m not gonna watch the likes of Etta Clarke headin’ out the door with a man that shoulda’ been mine.”

“Why Etta Clarke in particular
?” I asked curiously.

“Old rivals.” Lucy smirked.

Mona whipped her head around to glare at Lucy.

“Rivals my fanny. That woman looks like she was beat with an ugly stick.”

“Etta won the Pumpkin Princess crown back when they were girls,” Jackson whispered, but not quietly enough.

“They bought that crown!” Mona said angrily, “She
was so ugly she did her trick or treatin’ over the telephone. Have you ever seen her?”

J
ackson and I shook our heads in the negative.

“No doubt you will tonight,” Mona said
grimly, “she trolls that place like it’s her private fishin’ hole. But tonight is my night. And I can feel it in my bones; it’s going to be a good one.”

S
eeing Mona that lively and happy just tore it for me; I had no choice but to go. 

“Okay,
it's on.”

“I'll tell Rod; see if he minds,
” Lucy said. “He won't,” she assured us. “Let's go Mona. I just want to switch my jewelry.”

J
ackson and I headed out the door in record speed. “Thank God we're doing SOMETHING different,” he exclaimed. I had just about decided I wasn't going to come home at all next break.”

“
Jackson! Don't even joke about that!” I said as we sped toward my house.

“You just put on what I tell you and show us a good time tonight and I'll reconsider.”

“Whatever you say, just don't make me look like a slut.”

“Do you even have anything that would make you look like a slut
?” He asked hopefully.

“No, but I'm beginning to feel like I just made a deal with the devil.”

We raced into the house laughing and he sped up the stairs to my closet.

“I'll wear what you say, just lay it out while I give Mosey a spin around the yard.”

“I got this!” he yelled back.

A
fter I brought Mosey in and gave him a treat I took the stairs two at a time.

J
ackson was sitting on the bed with his arms crossed. “You've got five minutes to put that on and ten for me to make adjustments.”

I
looked down at the outfit, short gossamer skirt, silk tank top, black casual heels and a sheer cover made like a jean jacket but with a few extra 0's on the price tag. He even laid out a bra with lace edging.