21 Ways to Finding Peace and Happiness (33 page)

E
STABLISH
B
OUNDARIES
TO
P
ROTECT
Y
OUR
P
RIVACY

We live very close to all of our children and our eight grandchildren. We wanted to live close because most of us in the family travel, and living near each other allows us the opportunity for quick visits. I can go to a son or daughter’s house with my coffee cup in hand and chat for thirty minutes and return home. This helps keep our relationships strong and healthy.

When we first made this decision, I was a bit concerned about how I would handle the grandchildren wanting to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house all the time. This is certainly a normal desire for a grandchild. I knew I would not be happy if they just started showing up whenever they wanted to, so I talked with my children, and we agreed they would not let their children come over without asking or calling first. To some people that might seem strange, but it was vitally necessary for me because of my busy schedule.

Dave and I and our children talked about our boundaries, and as long as everyone respects them, we get along great. It is not wrong to have personal boundaries; it protects the privacy to which we are entitled.

What should you do when people don’t understand the boundary you have set? Most of the time, when this is the case it is simply because it is not a boundary they need in their lives, so they don’t understand why you do. People have different needs because of the differences in their personalities, as well as lifestyles.

We should respect each other’s needs, not judge and criticize them. Some people are just plain selfish, they want to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it, with no regard or consideration for anyone else. This, of course, is a wrong attitude, and being forced to respect other people’s boundaries is actually good for these types of people. Selfish people can certainly steal our peace if we allow them to do so.

As I stated, everyone has different needs and boundaries. This is true even of our four grown children. One of our daughters wants people in the family to call her before stopping by, and the other says, “Come by anytime, the door is always open.” We improve our relationships with others by respecting their boundaries. Respect is vital for good relationships.

Everyone in life has a right to privacy. There may be things we don’t want people to know or see. No matter how close we are to someone, we all have a right to and a need for privacy. Even in a marriage, we need a certain amount of privacy. For example, I don’t like for anyone to get into my purse without my permission, not even my husband. It is not because I am hiding anything— there is nothing in my purse that would be a problem for anyone to see—but it is my private space to keep my personal things, and I want others to respect my right to have that space.

I never get into Dave’s wallet unless he asks me to. If I had an emergency and needed money, I would do it, but I don’t go through his private things. I don’t go through his briefcase, because that is another area where people keep things that are special to them. Once again, it is not because people are hiding something, it is simply to respect their privacy. By doing so, we are respecting their rights as persons.

I had a relative once who came to my house, and without asking, ate things out of the refrigerator. Often the person ate the last of something, not caring whether or not we had any plans to use it ourselves. This is rude and unacceptable behavior. I had to talk to this person about it, though this individual really should not have even put me in the position to need to say something.

Sometimes we pressure others and cause them work because we don’t respect their privacy properly. Some people ask questions they should not ask, some are nosey, and some are just unwise. I am a very straightforward individual and I ask lots of questions, but I also try to use wisdom and not breach anyone’s privacy. I would not ask someone how much money he or she made, for example. I would never ask someone who was obviously over-weight how much he or she weighed. I would not ask someone how much he or she paid for an outfit of clothing unless it was someone to whom I was very close and whom I knew I would not offend. If someone is wearing what appears to be a large diamond, I would not normally ask if it was real or fake.

Because I am straightforward, I usually tell people, “If I ask you something you don’t want to answer, just tell me, and I won’t be offended.” I am very open about my life and sometimes need to be reminded that not everyone is that way.

Be clear about what you want in relationships, and be ready to confront people lovingly when they do not honor your boundaries. The way you begin relationships is the way they continue, so if you don’t approve of something, don’t be afraid to speak up. When you let something go and don’t deal with it, people view it as approval and usually get worse.

Very often people don’t confront others, which is another way of saying they don’t establish boundaries. Confrontation frequently offends people simply because unbridled human nature wants to do whatever it wants to do without concern for others. This is not healthy for any relationship or person. We all need to hear people say in various ways, “You can go this far and no farther.”

We need to let people know what we are and are not willing to do. For example, grandparents should be able to say, “I will baby-sit once in a while, but not all the time.” If they want to do it more, that is fine, but they should not be made to feel as if they are bad grandparents if they don’t choose to. Once again, we should remember that we all have different lifestyles and tolerance levels, and no one should be shamed because he or she doesn’t desire to do what someone else does.

My daughter’s mother-in-law loves to watch the grandchildren. She does it all the time, many times for days at a time. I would not want to do that, not because I don’t love my grandchildren—I do love them very much, and I minister to them in other ways—but my lifestyle would not permit me to spend most of my free time baby-sitting and at the same time remain happy. I would resent it.

Lots of people do many things they resent simply because they don’t understand the importance of boundaries. Boundaries not only protect us, they protect other people and the longevity of relationships. Boundaries protect our peace!

K
EEP
W
RONG
P
EOPLE
O
UT OF
Y
OUR
L
IFE

Perhaps nothing affects us more than the people with whom we spend a lot of time. The Bible has a lot to say about what kinds of people we should not let into our lives.

For example, the Word tells us not to associate with someone who gets drunk or is a glutton or robber, who is guilty of immorality or greed, is an idolater, or is a person with a foul mouth (see Proverbs 23:20–21; 1 Corinthians 5:11). Why not? Simply because we are tempted to do what others do, and these behaviors lead to unhealthy ends. Have you ever decided you were not going to eat dessert and then changed your mind because others decided to eat it? Obviously I am not saying it is wrong to eat dessert; I am simply making the point that we are easily swayed by what others do.

If people have no measure of discipline in their lives, they may gossip and tell your secrets. Undisciplined people quite frequently live under the curse of a spirit of poverty, which literally affects every area of their lives. Prosperity or poverty is much more than merely a financial matter.

People who function under a poverty spirit will usually do everything poorly, or at best, mediocre; they never press into excellence. They are often late for appointments if they show up at all. They are in debt, and their possessions are in disarray. Things they own are dirty or in need of repair. They may have poor health and many broken relationships.

The people with whom we associate partially determine our reputations. I choose to associate with people of whom I am proud, not ashamed. Occasionally we spend time with people for the purpose of trying to help them, but we must have our boundaries so we make sure they don’t eventually hurt us. Scripture warns us about associating with those who indulge in idle conversation: “He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets; therefore associate not with him who talks too freely” (Proverbs 20:19).

We can be sure if someone is talking to us unkindly about others, he will most likely talk the same way about us. I had many disappointments in relationships until I realized this truth and set boundaries on whom I choose for friends.

I once met someone I actually liked very much. We had a lot in common and could have been good friends, but I kept noticing that we never spent time together without this individual saying something derogatory about somebody. It actually made me afraid to go deeper in relationship because I felt sure this person would do the same thing to me. I might spend time with someone like that occasionally, but I would not let him or her get very close.

We should not be hesitant to establish boundaries to protect ourselves. If we want peace, we need to fellowship with people who work for and make peace too.

We should not develop relationships with people who have a spirit of rebellion. Paul said at the end of his message to believers in Thessalonica that they should not associate with anyone who refused to follow his instructions given in the letter (see 2 Thessalonians 3:14). In other words, avoid people who rebel against God’s guidelines. In our society today, it seems that rebellion is rampant, and many think rebellion is cool, or a sign of freedom. However, this is the exact opposite of the attitude that God teaches us to have in His Word.

We are to submit to right authority in our lives, and those who refuse to do so have a serious problem. The Bible actually states that the spirit of rebellion at work in the world today is the spirit of antichrist (see 2 Thessalonians 2:7–8). We will never learn godliness from a rebellious person; instead, we will learn lawlessness. The following is a strong Scripture to which I have had to give much thought:

But now I write to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person. (1 Corinthians 5:11)

I believe the same guideline applies that I mentioned earlier: help people if you can, but don’t let them hurt you. If we are spending time with people hoping to be able to help them, to be an example to them, or to minister to them, we certainly cannot do so by refusing ever to be near them. But we must influence them and not allow them to influence us. I often say we need to make sure we
affect
them, and they don’t
infect
us.

Jesus ate with publicans and sinners, but He did so in order to help them see the light, and by His example, also see the life that was available to them. Jesus said we are the light of the world, and we should not put our light under a bushel. In other words, we cannot stay hidden all the time and do the world any good.

When I am with people I know have problems, and I don’t want to have the same problems, I keep my heart guarded to a certain degree. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.” In other words, I am especially careful not to adopt attitudes or opinions that are contrary to what Scripture tells me. I set a boundary, and I let people come close enough to try to help them, but not to hurt me.

B
EWARE OF
E
NTANGLEMENTS

It is unwise to become entangled in other people’s problems. Some individuals are what I call
drains.
They add nothing to my life, and Satan uses them to drain me of needed strength. Hebrews 12:1 states that we are to avoid every encumbrance and the sin that so readily entangles us. It is not only sin that does this, but also messy circumstances in other people’s lives. They weigh us down and steal the energy we need in order to pursue the call of God on our own lives.

Second Timothy 2:4 encourages us as soldiers in God’s army not to get entangled in things of civilian life. The word
entangle
is the key thing to consider. Of course, we will always be involved with people, and many of them will have problems; we will also try to help them in the love and mercy of Christ. The Scripture does not say, “Don’t have
any
involvement with these types of people”; it says not to get entangled.

To
entangle
means to complicate or confuse, to get into a snarl or a tangle. These difficult relationships bring pain into our own lives, just as trying to comb a bad tangle out of our hair brings pain.

We comb our dog daily so her hair does not become tangled. On occasion, when we have let it get messy, it has been very painful and time-consuming to get the knots out. Likewise, we should watch over our lives and relationships regularly to make sure we are not out of balance, that we are not getting entangled in things that will drain us of energy and never really help anyone else.

I love people, and the call on my life is to help them in whatever way I can; however, I finally had to learn that not all the people I try to help will actually receive help. Even the ones who claim they want it won’t always take what we offer. They may want to entangle us in their problems, they want to talk about them, go over and over them, and be bitter about them, but they don’t really want to move on beyond them.

For some people, their problems have become their lives, and they wouldn’t know how to spend their time without them. Their problems become who they are: persons with problems to whom everyone is supposed to cater. This may sound a bit too stern if you are tenderhearted or are blessed with the gift of mercy, but when enough people have stolen your time, people who will never change, you understand what I mean.