3 Heads & a Tail (21 page)

“
H
ey Glen, yo
u
'
re all puffy from your walk! A
tta boy!
”
says
Ben, bending down and rubbing my he
ad in that crazy way only he has. I smile
my loopy grin to make him happy.

“
Thanks
,
David,
”
he actually
says, as Mr Poser nods
and
goes
upstairs.

Ben, i
f only you knew
what
'
s going on
. He
'
s pimped me out! Me! Like some common old tart dog. I
'
m going to be a doggie gigolo. A
dog
prostit
ute! Ben, it
'
s voofing embarrassing!
I
'
m an intelligent mutt – I want to choose who I mate with.
“
Voof!
”
If only you understood me. But
,
hey, you
'
re smiling and you
'
ve no idea. Even if I frown, you think i
t
'
s cute. Alright,
I won
'
t sulk
'
cos you
'
ll
just
worry.
Maybe I can think up a cunning doggie plan to outwit
Mr Tosser
.
Mmm
, food, y
ummy! Thankies!

“
Come on
,
Glen! Walkies
!
”
called David, peeking a
round
the
door. He had seen Ben go out so he knew the coast was clear. Glen was lying on his bed with his head on his paws. He looked up, whined and looked down again.
“
Come on, it
'
s a nice day.
”

“
Everything okay?
”
asked
Josie
,
looking
out of her room.
Led Zeppelin drifted out behind her.

“
Yeah,
”
replied
David.
“
I promised Ben I
'
d take Glen for a walk, but he isn
'
t
getting up
.
”

“
Maybe he does
n
'
t feel like it.
I could take him later if you want. I don
'
t mind.
”

“
Nope,
”
said David rather hurriedl
y.
“
I really want to take him.
”

“
Fine
,
”
replied
Josie, a bit taken aback. She
'
d never seen anyone so determined to walk a dog before.
“
Whatever.
”
Led Zeppelin floated away
as she closed the door
.

“
Ok
ay,
Glen, you come now or
I
'
m never walking you again!
”

The dog
put his paws over his head
and whined.

“
If you don
'
t come
, I
'
m never feeding you again.
Right
, Ben feeds you. Erm,
ok
ay, I really need you to come. Come
on
, it
'
s not
that
difficult.
”

Glen turned around on the b
ed so his bum was facing David, and gazed
up at the wall, emblazoned with posters of
b
ig b
ikes and
beautiful
birds
;
not the feathered kind
–
t
he sort of wome
n w
ho would make a grown man whine
.

David
closed the door
softly
. Glen turned his head round.

“
S
o you want to play rough
, eh? U
nless you come right now
I
'
m going to make life
difficult
for you
. I might even tell Ben you tried to bit
e
me... or
Josie.
”

He wouldn
'
t!
I
grit
my
teeth and growl
low, b
ut
I
kno
w
he would. David just peaked
to take
my
Most Hated Person in the World Prize. Even higher than the old man who once tried to
kick
me
in the street for almost accidentally running
into him... and that
yappy
Jack R
ussell who ran off with
my
favourite ball. This was too much. S
o this was going to
be life
with David from now on?
I turn and jump
off the bed,
bend
my head and slouch real
low
.

David smiles
“
good boy
”
, and open
s
the door.
I want to bite him
and not let go
.

I
pad down the stairs and si
t by the front door. Best g
et it over with. The quicker it
'
s
done, the quicker
I
can come
home. I
just
have to think of a plan to deal with
Mr Asshole later
.
David snaps
my lead off the hook, clips
it on to my collar,
and we
'
re
out o
f the door in no time. He walks swiftly and I follow
to the bott
om of the road. A
pale blue car
waits. I
'
m not sure what kind of car as
I
'
ve n
ever been any good with makes
. Four wheels on a box is all I can say.
I don
'
t
like
them
much
. They smell weird and go too fast.

The car door opens and a
lady
aged about forty steps
out.
“
Wow, he
is a beautiful dog,
”
she smiles
, lo
oking me in the eyes. She looks
l
ike an animal person. I imagine
she
is kind. At least I
'
m being dog-
napped by someone who likes animals!

“
Do y
ou have the papers?
”
David nods and hands them to her. She looked them over, smiles and hands them back.
“
They l
ook
good
to me. I didn
'
t realise his dad was a Crufts Cha
mpion. I
'
m impressed.
”

Neither did I. A champion? Wow! Talk about big wow!
I
'
m pedigree! I
'
m posh! I bask
in my glory.
“
Voof.
”

They glance down
at my woof. I lick my
chops
.

“
Let
'
s go. My Mimi will be waiting,
”
says
the
lady
who revealed my history, stepping
back into the driver
'
s seat.

Mimi? What kind of name
is
that?
Is it a poodle
'
s?
I hope not.
Still basking in
the glow of
my
wonderful heritage
, I let David put me on the back seat
with no complaint. He opens
the window and I
stick
my head out. Air please! My tongue
slips out and I lap
the
fresh air. Then the car moves
and I gulp as m
y tummy
does
a weird dance.

A short drive later – we could have walked it really –
we arriv
e at a big house. It
'
s huge,
much bigger than the one we live
in. The garden in front
is
really big too, with huge
rose bushes
, smelling nice
. Pairs of t
all trees
walk up to the front door and we wander in between
them. I l
ook
around, amazed, wondering what it would be like to live here.
Inside
, the place i
s
grand. Vo
ofing big!
H
uge!
V
oofing huge!
I
'
ve n
eve
r seen anything like it, but it seems we
'
re not
staying.

“
Let
'
s go
in
to the garden,
”
says
the
lady
.
“
It
'
s a messy business and I don
'
t want to get anything horrid on the furniture!
”

What
'
s she talking about? Who knows?
I pad
behind them
into the
garden. G
arde
n? I
t
'
s more like a field. It
'
s
massive. I
'
d never have to
go walkies if I lived here. It
'
s a voofing
park!

The lady beckons
us to follow her to a wooden
,
hut-like thing.
“
We
'
ll
do this in the shed!
”

In there? I
'
d have thought we
'
d at least have a nice
dog
gy
bed
, or even a floor with
a carpet or a nice rug, b
ut
a
shed? I can
'
t help it, I whine
. I
don
'
t
like
bare, wooden floors. They
'
re
cold on
my
bum.
I want to go home.

“
Come on Glen, it
'
s not so bad,
”
says
The Big
gest
Tosser
in the World
.
He
'
s actually grinning.

Visions of biting – to
the bone.

David smirks
. I
hold my cool and pad
into the shed behind the
lady
. I guess she
doesn
'
t
realise how awful the environment
is that she
'
s
chosen f
or this... well... activity. It
'
s all
so
... beneath me!
I
'
m posh after all – I
'
ve got important
parents
!