34 Seconds (22 page)

“Oh, Rebecca, I’m so sorry. I’ve been so selfish. This is all so new to me, and I’ve been in shock. You’ve been so wonderful to me. Patient with me. But you’re hurting as well. Will is your husband. I know you love him. Oh, God. I’m so sorry.” I was out of words. We just stood there holding one another, bonding over the pending death of a man we both loved.

After several long moments and more tears, Rebecca pulled back and said, “You are welcome to stay here, hon, but if you want to stay at your Dad’s house tonight, it might be the best night. I don’t know how long Will is going to hang on, but you might find yourself here more and more.” She paused. “It might be good for you to get a break. Take a long bath, spend some time with your dad. Take a break from this house. Will’s moods come and go. There’ll be times he’ll want you here and maybe times he won’t. I don’t know. But I can tell you he’s changing. His personality is different. He’s angry. Shoot, we’re all pretty damn angry, I guess, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, Rebecca. I think I will go to Dad’s tonight. You have my number. Call me if you need anything. But also, if you need a break, want to go for a walk, get out of the house, please let me know, and I’ll be right back here in minutes. I also think maybe you need some time here alone…with Will.”

Once we offered a few more hugs and some promises to call if there were any changes or needs, I got into my rental car and started the drive to Dad’s house. The world was different. The light seemed paler, speed bumps seemed higher and felt harder than ever before. Sounds seemingly stopped. I didn’t hear birds, I didn’t hear the waves hitting the beach the way they had done for millennia. I heard nothing. I felt nothing. Until I got to Dad’s house. I could hear the sounds of singer songwriter music from the ‘70s playing from Dad’s stereo when I pulled up. It was the only recollection of any sound I’d heard since leaving Rebecca and Will. Dad came out and met me on his big deck he’d power washed since I was there earlier. I just fell into his arms.

“Oh, Daddy, why is this happening?” I sobbed into his chest. “Why Will? Why am I here? Is this fair to Chris and the girls? I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t even know if I can do anything.”

My Dad always knew when to talk and when to say nothing. He said nothing. I was sure my questions didn’t have any answers to them anyway.

When we got inside, I sat down, and Dad brought me a drink and sat in a big arm chair near me. “I don’t know why he wants you here, Nikki. Love is something I was never very good at, so I can’t tell you if it’s the right thing to do, but I do know Chris and the girls are fine and will be fine without you for a little while at least. I’ve talked to Chris, and he’s not sure what to say to you or what to do, but he thinks you should be here too, if it’s what you want to do.” Dad paused and turned down the volume on the stereo. “Nikki, if you don’t want to be there, stay for a few days, visit with me and some friends, see your sister, and then head back to your family. You don’t have to do this.”

“I don’t even know what to say, Daddy. Will wants me here.”

“Nik, I was with Poppa when he died. It wasn’t all pleasant. He was scared, I was worried. It’s a sad thing. I just want you to think about it for a while before deciding to put yourself through all of this.”

With those words, I lost it. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t hear the music. Everything was at a standstill again.

“I didn’t mean to sound heartless, Nikki. I love you and don’t want you to have to go through all of this. Will has spoken to me a lot this past year. Maybe you don’t know all of this yet, but Chris and I have known this was coming. We knew he’d ask you to come home. He asked Chris’ permission before calling you. He told me not too long after the wedding last year.”

“He told you what, Daddy?” I was shaking, and my words came out as a whisper.

“Well, Nikki. He came over here one day with a six pack of beer. He even told me he remembered I don’t drink, but he thought it might be best if we ‘crack a few,’ is how he put it, and talk. I was a bit surprised. I haven’t seen him much in years. I mean maybe around town I’d see him, but we’ve never said much more than a hello here and there over the years.” Dad paused and took a drink of his soda. Before he continued, he got up and walked over to the stereo. I could tell by his inability to sit still he was nervous. This was a conversation he didn’t want to have with me. But I had to know when he knew Will was sick, what he knew, and hope it could all help me find closure or answers to the questions I didn’t even know yet. When he spoke again, his voice was softer and slower. “Well, he came in with a six pack. I think he drank a few, and I had two, so we managed to get through the evening. I even ordered some steamed shrimp, and oddly enough we even had a laugh or two.”

“Daddy. You’re not answering the question here. What aren’t you telling me?” I asked.

“I guess I just don’t know what you know and what you should know, Nikki. He never gave me instructions. He just told me he’d want you here, you know, when the time came.” Dad’s voice got even quieter than before.

“You’re still not telling me something, Daddy.”

“Nikki. I don’t know what to say. He was sick. He’d known for years he would probably get sick. Or sicker, I guess. He told me how his mom had died when he was young and how he’d been very sick with a childhood cancer when he was a toddler. His mother didn’t share much with him. I guess she never handled life very well anyway. He was sick again sometime after his mother died. Before he moved to Deltaville, I think. His grandfather knew enough to tell him is was the same thing that had made him sick when he was a baby, and it would likely come back. I think he felt like he was a walking time bomb. He didn’t know enough about it. He didn’t know what could happen, but it was a burden he’d carried with him since he was a boy. He knew he could never fall in love, have a family, have a wife. He knew he couldn’t live a
normal
life. Honey, when you were together years ago, he decided he couldn’t ever marry you. Because he thought he’d end up leaving you and maybe your children before you all were ready. I guess it was something he’d thought about since losing his own parents at such a young age.” Dad paused again, went into a bedroom, and returned with a blanket and a box of tissues. “Honey,” he started again, “He loved you more than anything. He told me he became mean to you before you broke up. Did he…did he ever do anything to hurt you?”

I took the blanket and tissues and didn’t say a word. For the second time in a few hours, I was bowled over. My mind kept going back to the letter I read in the boathouse. I left it there, sitting next to the guitar, and I couldn’t remember what it said. Some of what Dad was saying felt familiar, but it hurt so bad and so deep.

“Nikki?” I could hear my dad’s voice, but it was faint. “Nikki, did he ever hurt you? What did he mean by those words? How was he mean to you?”

“No, Daddy. He never hurt me. I mean not in the way you’re thinking. He broke my heart, Daddy. I loved him so much. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have his children!” As I said those words, an image of Chris came into my mind, and guilt flooded my senses. I still loved Will. And I was losing him again. But truly forever this time. “Daddy, he left me. He told me we didn’t want the same things. He told me he couldn’t love me and give me what I wanted, what I needed.” I was speaking quickly, and my voice was sharp. I took a deep breath and slowed down. “Daddy, it all makes sense now. He did love me. But he knew he’d probably die in the height of our lives. Daddy, if I’d married him, he would be leaving us, in my life now…with two babies.” I knew what I was saying didn’t make sense. I wouldn’t have Emily and Bella if I’d married Will years ago. If we’d had kids they’d probably be much older because we would have started earlier in our lives. Instead, it took me years after our break up to meet Chris and more years to have a family. Anger overtook me again. I felt a wave of heat rush over my whole body. I stood up, threw the blanket to the floor and screamed, “Fuck him, Daddy. Fuck him.” I cried. Falling to the floor, I hugged my knees and cried, my whole body shaking.

Daddy sat on the floor beside me and hugged me. Once I felt his arms around me, I started rocking. Finding a rhythm matching my anger, I rocked and sobbed and rocked some more, then I pulled away and said, “He chose my path for me, Daddy. I wanted to marry him, Daddy, and he decided for me it wasn’t best. He took away what could have been the best years of my life. I was heartbroken for years. I couldn’t date, I couldn’t move on. He decided for me. Without me knowing why. He just told me he couldn’t be what I wanted. Dammit! Dammit, Daddy. Didn’t I deserve better? Why didn’t he tell me and let me choose to spend all these years with him? What if he didn’t develop this illness? What if it never happened? He never gave me the choice! Ugh! I’m so mad at him, Daddy. I’m so mad.” I couldn’t stop crying, and my words were becoming mumbled and not making sense.

“I knew it would upset you, Nikki. That’s why I was hesitant to tell you all he told me.” Daddy rubbed my back while I began rocking again. “He told me he loved you more than anything, and he wanted you to have a full life without having to lose him, who knows when, and he…,” Daddy paused again. “He never wanted to put children through what he went through, losing his mother so young and then losing his father after not having him while growing up. Both before he was a grown man. Nikki, I think he thought he was doing what was best for you. Because he loved you so much. He loved you more than I knew, and I think he loved you more than even you knew. He broke up with you because he loved you, and he wanted you to find true love again and live a full life, with a husband and children. He knew you’d find love again. And his hope was you wouldn’t lose it like when his father left his mother at the height of their lives.”

“Didn’t he think? Think about life? All we missed together? All we could have had? And Daddy, just because I haven’t lost my husband to something like an illness that has haunted him for a lifetime, doesn’t mean I won’t lose him to other things, like a car accident, walking in front of a bus, a motorcycle accident, an airplane falling from the sky…” I was beginning to feel sick thinking of all the many ways I could lose Chris. And I was still pissed because Will took away all of my choices so long ago. “Daddy, Will could have been hit by a car the day of our wedding. If we’d had a wedding.” I just stopped talking. The familiar feeling of numbness washed over my body again. My whole future had been essentially decided for me. Then it hit me. He chose Rebecca to go through everything, but maybe never thought I was strong enough to handle losing him myself. Yet he called me home to watch him die. He’d asked me to leave the family I’d created years after he broke my heart, so I could be here to watch him die. Feeling numb, I just let the tears roll down my cheeks.

Dad brought me two little blue pills and another glass of water. “It’s headache medicine with a sleep aide. Nikki, you should get some sleep tonight. This isn’t going to get any easier, I’m sorry to say. But you need to get some sleep. Before you go to bed, call your husband. It’s still early enough, maybe the girls are still awake. You have a family who loves you. Today. Nikki, this is your life today. I understand how you must feel, but you can’t change anything. You have a husband, a good one, I might add, and my two beautiful grandbabies. This will be hard, but you need to remember the life you have. Today. I love you, baby girl.” He kissed the top of my head and walked down the hall to his bedroom.

After several minutes sitting on the floor, I swallowed the two pills, hoping they would bring a peaceful sleep. Once I took them, I got up, walked down to my bedroom, and called Chris.

“Hi, Mommy! I miss you so much! When are you coming home?” Emily sounded like she’d sucked on a helium balloon, but my heart sank again when I heard her little voice. Daddy was right. This was my life, and I had to come to terms with it. Here was an opportunity to permanently close a chapter in this book.

“Hi, sweetie! I miss you too. I’m so sorry I’m missing out on so much.” I started crying again. “I really want to talk to you, baby, but is Daddy around? Can I talk with him for a minute?” I ignored her question about coming home, but knew she’d forget until we spoke again.

“Hey, Nikki,” Chris said when he took the phone. “She knew it was Mommy calling and wanted to answer the phone herself. Sorry if it was a bad time, but she wasn’t taking no for an answer.”

“No, honey, it’s okay. I miss you all so much. I want to talk to her more, but, well, I’m crying. I don’t want her to think I’m sad. And, well, shit, honey. I don’t know what to say now. I just want to cry. I miss you all so much, and now I want to come home.”

“You can come home whenever you want. Are you ready to come home, honey? Do you just want to leave him to his wife and just come back?” Chris asked. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be insensitive. I’m not sure what you want to do. But we are okay. You stay if you want.” He stopped. I knew Chris well enough to know he just didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to dig a hole for himself to climb out of.

“Honey,” I started. “I think I need to be here. I think I’d regret not being here, and it’s not something I can ever change if I’m not here. I’m just now finding out a lot of stuff I didn’t know, you know, like Will is dying, and it will be soon, and other things too. It’s just been a rough day.” I cleared my throat in an effort to stop the flow of tears. “I wish I could be there. I kind of wish this just never happened. To Will or to me. I’m trying real hard not to be selfish, understanding someone I once loved, I still love in many ways, is dying. This isn’t about me right now, but it’s so hard. I’ve been pulled away from those I love, but I chose be here. I can’t talk for long tonight, I’m pretty beat, and I want to talk to the girls before they go to bed, but I have a question for you.”

“What is it, Nikki?” my husband asked.

“What did you know?”

I was left with silence. “I know, Chris, that Will talked to you. He talked to Dad too. But I don’t know what everyone knew and when. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much, but I feel so left in the dark.”