59 Seconds: Think a Little, Change a Lot (17 page)

In addition, there is the small matter of “monkey see, monkey do.” Research shows that we all have an unconscious tendency to mimic others. Without realizing it, we copy the facial expressions, posture, and speech patterns of the people we meet. Most psychologists think that such mimicry aids communication by helping people think and feel the same way. However, the degree to which a person mirrors our own behaviors also has a surprisingly large influence on how we feel about that person.

The power of this effect was beautifully illustrated in a simple but elegant study by Dutch psychologist Rick van Baaren and his colleagues at the University of Nijmegen.
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The research team descended on a small restaurant and asked a waitress to help them. After showing customers to their table, the waitress was to take their order in one of two ways.
Half of the time she was to politely listen and be generally positive by using phrases such as “Okay” and “Coming right up.” The other half of the time she was to repeat the order to the customers. Repeating the order proved to have a remarkable effect on the tips that customers left when they finished their meal.

Those who had heard their own words repeated left tips that were 70 percent larger than those left by the “polite and positive” group. Another study conducted by the same team showed that mimicry also affects the degree to which we find others attractive.
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In that experiment an individual posing as a marketing researcher stopped people on the street and asked whether they would be kind enough to take part in a survey. Half of the time the experimenter unobtrusively copied the person’s posture and gestures as they answered the questions, and half of the time the researcher behaved normally. When questioned later, the first group subjected to the mirroring reported feeling a much closer emotional bond with the experimenter yet had no idea that their own behavior was being copied. The message here is that to convince people that the chemistry is right, you should mirror their movements. Lean forward when they lean forward, cross your legs when they cross theirs, hold your hands in the same position as they do. Without their realizing it, these small but important movements will help make the object of your affections feel that you share that certain—as the French say—”Je ne sais quoi.”

So is a successful speed date simply about pizza toppings and mirroring? No. Other research suggests that it is also about being selective. A few years ago, Paul Eastwick and his colleagues at Northwestern University staged a series of experimental speed-dating sessions involving more than 150 students.
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After each date the students were asked to rate
how attractive they found their partner. The results revealed that people who reported finding a large number of daters desirable tended to be rated as undesirable by others. You might think that this finding was caused by a small group of especially ugly people trying to increase their chances of success by ticking the “yes” box for everyone they met. First, I can’t believe that you would be so judgmental, and second, according to the data you would be wrong. The researchers had a group of people rate all of the participants for attractiveness and examined the speed-dating data from the attractive and unattractive people separately. The “if you want to meet lots of people, then I don’t want to meet you” pattern emerged in both groups, proving that the original effect was not the outcome from a group of ugly, desperate participants. Instead, it seems that the speed-dating equivalent of spread betting can be picked up by daters within moments and is a big turnoff. In general, liking lots of others usually means that people will like you. In a more romantic context, however, potential dates want to feel special. Research suggests that they are especially skilled at detecting those who are simply out to meet as many people as possible.

Finally, a word of warning for men: be careful not to fall into the “too good to be true” trap. Psychologist Simon Chu at the University of Central Lancashire and his colleagues asked a group of women to look at photographs and brief descriptions of sixty men and rate their attractiveness as possible long-term partners.
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As part of the description, the researchers systematically varied the men’s alleged jobs, deliberately choosing careers that implied either high (“company director”), medium (“travel agent”), or low (“waiter”) status. Overall, the good-looking men were rated as more attractive than others. Likewise, those in high-status jobs were generally seen as more desirable than those with smaller paychecks. No
great surprise there. However, the important finding was that good-looking men in high-status jobs were seen as relatively unattractive long-term propositions. Chu and his colleagues argue that women might well avoid these types of men because they are likely to prove attractive to many other women and so might be especially likely to be unfaithful. The findings suggest that for speed dating, if you are a good-looking guy, have a great job, a huge bank balance, and a lavish lifestyle, and you are looking for a long-term partner, you should keep at least some of your assets under wraps.

IN 59 SECONDS

In speed dating you have only moments to impress. So to make best use of the short time available, think of lines that get the other person to talk about themselves in a creative, fun, and unusual way. Mimic (within reason) the way they sit, how they use their hands, their speech patterns, their facial expressions. Avoid spread betting. Rather than check the “yes, I would like to see you again” box for lots of people in the hope of obtaining the maximum number of dates, focus on the one or two people who appear to generate genuine chemistry. Finally, some advice specifically for men from Simon Chu’s research: if you are good-looking and highly successful, remember that for many your looks and status might make you fall into the “too good to be true” category. Assuming that adding a prosthetic scar or two is out of the question, be prepared to downplay your successes. Of course, for everyone else, the theory represents a great way of coping with rejection—if one person after another turns you down, convince yourself that you are too damn attractive and successful for your own good.

   
SEX AND SPORT

When attempting to impress women, men often make a special effort to present themselves as especially caring and altruistic creatures. However, research suggests that they may have it all wrong.
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When women were asked to indicate the traits that they found most desirable in friends, short-term partners, and long-term partners, most placed kindness high on their shopping list. However, each and every time it was trumped by bravery. It seems that when it comes to love, women value courage and a willingness to take risks over kindness and altruism. So instead of men making a special effort to woo women by describing their tireless work for charity, they should perhaps consider mentioning their love of skydiving, the importance of standing up for what you think is right, and following your heart no matter where it leads.

This bravery effect emerged in an online survey that I conducted with fitness expert Sam Murphy to explore the relationship between sport and attraction. Are men more impressed by women who play soccer or climb mountains? Do women go for bodybuilders or yoga fanatics?

More than six thousand people reported which sporting activities would make a member of the opposite sex more attractive. Results revealed that 57 percent of women found climbing attractive, making it the sexiest sport from a female perspective. This was closely followed by extreme sports (56 percent), soccer (52 percent), and hiking (51 percent). At the bottom of the list came aerobics and golf, with just 9 percent and 13 percent of the vote, respectively.

In contrast, men were most attracted to women who did aerobics (70 percent), followed by those who took yoga (65 percent), and those who went to the gym (64 percent). At the bottom of their list came golf (18 percent), rugby (6 percent), and bodybuilding (5 percent).

Women’s choices appeared to reflect the type of psychological qualities that they find attractive, such as bravery and a willingness to take on challenges, while men appeared to be looking for a woman who was physically fit without appearing muscle-bound. No one, it seemed, was attracted to golfers.

HOW TO CONSTRUCT THE PERFECT FIRST DATE

In 1975 Senator William Proxmire created the Golden Fleece award to highlight instances wherein the U.S. government had, in the senator’s opinion, frittered away public money on frivolous causes. Proxmire gave his first award to the National Science Foundation for supporting a study on why people fall in love, noting, “I believe that 200 million Americans want to leave some things in life a mystery, and right at the top of the list of things we don’t want to know is why a man falls in love with a woman, and vice versa.” Fortunately, his opinion was not widely shared in the academic community, and over the years psychologists have investigated many aspects of love and attraction. Some of the most intriguing work examines the psychology lurking behind that all-important initial encounter.

First dates can be a tad tricky. Where is the best place for a romantic encounter? What should you talk about? Should you appear really enthusiastic from the very start or play hard to get? Worry not. Help is at hand. During the past thirty years researchers have tackled these questions and uncovered
several quick and easy techniques designed to help Cupid’s arrow find its target.

Let us first consider the thorny issue of where best to take a potential partner. You might think that a quiet restaurant or a walk in the countryside are both good bets. According to research conducted by psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron,
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however, you would be way off the mark. Prior to their research, several experiments had already confirmed what poets had long suspected: when people find someone attractive, their hearts beat faster. Dutton and Aron thought that the opposite could also be true. In other words, people whose hearts are beating faster might be more likely to find someone attractive.

To find out if this was the case, they arranged for a female experimenter to approach men on one of two very different bridges across the Capilano River in British Columbia. One bridge was swaying precariously in the wind about two hundred feet above the rocks, while the other was much lower and far more solid. After asking a few simple survey questions, the experimenter offered the men her telephone number in case they would like to find out more about her work. Those crossing the precarious bridge had higher heart rates than those on the lower bridge. When approached by the young woman, they unconsciously attributed their increased heart rate to her rather than to the bridge, fooled themselves into thinking that they found her particularly attractive, and were far more likely to make a special effort to call her.

Of course, it is one thing to obtain this effect with strangers on bridges, but does it work with real couples in a more realistic setting? A few years ago psychologists Cindy Meston and Penny Frohlich at the University of Texas decided to find out.
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They visited two large theme parks in Texas and waited
near several roller coasters, armed with little more than a clipboard and photographs of an average-looking man and woman. They interviewed romantically involved couples a few moments before or after the couples had scared themselves silly on the ride. The researchers asked them to assign a number between one and seven to indicate how attractive they found both the person that they were with and the people in the photographs. The experimenters anticipated that those who had finished the ride would have higher heart rates than those preparing for it and, according to the “heart beating faster, person attractive” theory, would give higher attractiveness ratings.

Describing their findings in a paper titled “Love at First Fright,” the researchers admitted that only some of their predictions were supported. Those rating the photographs after the ride did find the people in the pictures significantly more attractive than those waiting in line did. However, a different pattern emerged when it came to people rating one another: people found the person they were with slightly less attractive after the ride. When speculating about why this might be the case, the researchers wondered whether these ratings may have been influenced by the potential embarrassment of their partner’s finding out that they had just been given a lower than expected attractiveness rating (“You gave me a one?”). They also considered the possibility that people may look less attractive after a roller-coaster ride because of “sweating, messy hair, and post-anxiety expressions.” However, similar work, examining whether a similar effect occurs when couples watch exciting films, has provided more clear-cut evidence in support of the theory that we take cues from our own physiology when deciding how attractive we find others.
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Researchers secretly observed couples leaving different kinds
of films and discovered that those who had just seen a suspense thriller were especially likely to be holding hands and touching each other.

Of course, the perfect date is not just about getting your heartbeat racing. There is also the important issue of what you say and when you say it.