90 Days (Prairie Town Book 2) (8 page)

     She stared at Laney over the thick black rims of her glasses, a clipboard resting against her lap and a pen eager to write whatever observation she made.

     Laney didn’t like it.

     Tugging at the sleeve of her sweater, she dropped her gaze to the floor and shrugged her shoulders.

     “I don’t know.  Not much, I guess.”

     “I don’t think I believe that.” The doctor replied, smiling.  “Something must be going on if you wanted to hurt yourself, Miss McIntosh.  Are you and your parents getting along?”

     “I guess so.”

    “What about you and your siblings?  I see you have…two brothers?”

     “One brother.” She corrected, squirming in her seat uncomfortably.

     “Oh, I’m sorry. Did one of them pass away?”

     “No.” Laney rolled her eyes in annoyance.  “I only have one brother. John…I mean, Lydia lives with our grandmother.  She’s going to school somewhere else right now.”

     Doctor Rykerman studied her closely and then squinted her eyes.  “Are you saying that Lydia used to be your brother, Miss McIntosh?”

     The ticking of the clock was getting on her nerves.  Glancing around anxiously, Laney nibbled at her lower lip—it was so sore from all the nibbling—and then she huffed.

     “Of course, that’s what I’m saying.  But don’t you dare say anything against her.  Lydia is a good person and she doesn’t deserve to be hated.”

    “I’m not saying anything bad.” Doctor Rykerman scribbled something down on her paper and then looked at Laney again.  Her eyes were so inquisitive.  It made Laney self-conscience. “I think that’s very brave of her at such a young age.  She’s only a few years older than you, right?”

     “Not by much.” Laney replied, slipping her hands into the sleeves of her sweater.  It was so cold.  Everywhere in the ward seemed to be cold and she could never get warm enough.  “There’s only two years between us. My brother Jeb is only ten months younger than me.”

     “Tell me about Jeb.  Are you close?”

     “Yeah.  We are. Or we were.  I don’t know.  He’s so busy with football now.  He likes to play sports.”

     “Do you like playing sports?”

     “No.” She scoffed.  “I’ve never been much of a team player.”

     “What do you like to do then?  Paint? Read?”

     “I guess.” She mumbled.  Wasn’t their time up?  Couldn’t she go back to her room and sleep? 

     “Your mother tells me that you’re very active when it comes to beauty pageants.  Is that right?”

     “It’s not by choice.” Laney glared at her.  “That’s her idea.  I only humor her.  She’s a little obsessed with them.”

     “I see.” Again, she scribbled something on her notepad, glancing up at Laney occasionally.  “But you don’t enjoy doing the pageants, do you?”

     She slowly shook her head.

     “Have you ever tried to talk to your mother about that?”

     “Once.  She got really upset with me and started yelling.  I don’t like to be yelled at.  I walked away before it got out of hand.”

     “What do you mean by ‘out of hand’?  Does your mother try to get physical when she’s angry?”

     “Not with us—never with us.” Laney said quickly. Even though she was still mad at her parents for leaving her in this dump, she didn’t want her mom to get in trouble over her stupidity.  “But she’s been known to throw things at the wall if she’s mad enough.”

     “Do you ever do that? Throw things at the wall, I mean?”

     “No.” Laney’s voice got softer.

     “What do you do when you get upset, Laney?”

     She didn’t respond.  It’s not that she didn’t have an answer; she just didn’t know how to say it.  Maybe she was even a little afraid to say it.

     Maybe even a little ashamed.

     “Do you ever do anything to yourself when you’re upset, Laney?”

     “Yes.” She whispered, feeling the familiar burn of tears in the back of her throat.

     “Can you tell me what you do?”

     “No.” A tear slid down her cheek.

     “Do you mind if I try to guess?”

     She shrugged.

     “Do you…harm yourself?”

     “Yes.”

     “How?”

     “I don’t want to say.”

     “That’s okay.  I’ll keep guessing, all right?”

     “Okay.”

     “Do you ever hit yourself?”

     “Yes.”

     “Where?”

     “I…”

     “It’s okay, Laney. You can tell me.  I promise I am not going to judge you.  This is what I’m here for. I only want to help.”

     “Sometimes I slap myself.”

     “In the face?”

     “Yes.” She winced and closed her eyes, remembering the images so well in her mind.  When her mother would yell at her out of anger and when things just became too much, she’d lock herself in her bedroom and smack her cheeks as hard as she could.  Somehow the sting always made her feel better.

     “And do you do anything else?”

     “I did.  Once.  But…” She swallowed her emotions back in place and bowed her head.  Just thinking about what else she had done made her feel like an awful, terrible person. 

     “It’s all right, Laney. You can tell me.”

     “It’s…bad.” Laney confessed as more tears began to fall.  Her vision blurred and she couldn’t even see her lap.  The ache in her chest grew prominent as she lifted a sleeved hand to wipe at her eyes.  “I…I don’t know why I did it.”

     “What did you do?”

     “I went into the bathroom and I found my dad’s razors—the ones he uses in the morning to shave his face.”

     “Go on.”

     “I l-locked the door and pulled up my sleeve, but I was too scared to do it.  I was afraid I’d cut too deep and that I’d bleed to death.”

     “So you cut yourself somewhere else?”

     “Yes.  On my leg.  But it wasn’t deep.  It hurt so much and I don’t even like pain.  I don’t know why I did it. I’m stupid!”

     “No, you’re not stupid, Laney.  You’re hurting.  You’ve got stuff going on in your head that you don’t know how to deal with.  Your mother has put a lot of pressure on you since Lydia left. Isn’t that right?”

    “Yes.  She wants me to be perfect and I’m not. I’m not!” She cried, letting her frustrations surface.  “I’m just me.  I can’t be what she wants.  I’m just Laney!”

     “Shhh. It’s okay, Laney.  Calm down.” Doctor Rykerman stood from her chair and reached out to touch her trembling shoulder.  “You’re just Laney and that’s all we want.  But I have to help you get better before you can go home.  Do you understand?”

    “Yes.”

     “Good.  Let’s talk about alternative ways to release our anger, okay?”

    
Fast-forwarding through the memory, Laney released a small, trembling breath and realized her cheeks were wet.

     Still in the solace of her room, she allowed the dam to break for what seemed to be the millionth time in only a few weeks.

     “What was I thinking?” She wondered aloud as she sniffled.  “I can’t do this.  I can’t act…normal.”

     Glancing towards the top drawer of her dresser, she contemplated her next move.

     She knew what was in that drawer. Her medication, for starters.  Lydia didn’t know about the medicine, but it kept her balanced and happy, well, happy enough, on most days.  She needed those pills to keep her on the right track.

     But there was also a joint in that drawer, waiting and ready to be smoked when she felt that things were becoming too difficult.  Benji had given it to her during his last visit and there was a part of her—the stupid, sentimental part— that wanted to save it forever.

    
“Think of me when you smoke it.”
He’d said.

     The only issue was, she didn’t need to smoke a joint to have him on her mind.

     She thought about him a lot.

     And she knew she was crazy for doing that.  He could never possibly want someone as damaged and unstable as her.

    
But he smiled at me tonight.  A lot.

     Surely that meant something? He’d always been so kind to her.  They always gazed at one another for one second longer than intended, and when he hugged her, he lingered there for a little longer than usual.

     It did mean something, didn’t it?

    
I’m fooling myself.  I don’t even deserve someone like Benji.

     Muttering to herself in frustration, Laney stood from her bed and dragged her feet across the floor until she got to the drawer.  At least she could have a few hours of silence and a much needed opportunity to rest.

    
Tomorrow will be a better day,
she decided. 
Clean slate, fresh start.

     Hopefully all of the bad feelings would be gone by then and she could go back to normal.  She needed to get her act together, especially now that Benji and Aggie were around, but more so because of her sister.

     The last thing she wanted was for Lydia to see the part of her she tried so hard to hide.  Telling her the truth was one thing, but letting her witness that side of her personality?  No.  Absolutely not.

     A light knock on her door sounded like a gun going off, at least in Laney’s mind, and she quickly whirled around to stare at it as if it was a foreign object.

     Maybe her plan for everyone to be distracted with Jeb wasn’t going to work after all.

      “Yes?”

     “Laney?”

     It was Benji.

     Oh, God.  It was
Benji.

     “Um…yes?” She tiptoed towards the door and carefully leaned against it, biting her lip.

     “Hey.  Uh, you disappeared from the table.  Everything okay?”

    
Lie
, her mind pleaded. 

    
“Yeah, just not feeling too hot.  I was thinking of taking a nap.”

     “Oh.”

     Was he disappointed?  He sounded disappointed.

    
Maybe he really does want to see me.

     “Ags and I are going to crash in the living room tonight.  I just thought I’d let you know so you didn’t freak out after the lights go out.”

    
Freak out?
  Her heart did a backflip as she imagined bumping into him in the hallway in the dark, how it would feel as his hand brushed against hers…

     “That’s fine.” Her voice cracked and she quickly regained her composure.  Calm and steady.  Cool and smooth.  Not too desperate.  “I promise not to trip over you or anything.”

     He laughed that adorable laugh and she couldn’t help but smile.  She wanted nothing more than to open the door and hug him. 

     She wanted to feel his arms around her. 

     She wanted to feel safe.

     But she couldn’t.  Her mind wasn’t strong enough for it.

     Maybe it never would be.

     “Well, okay then.  Goodnight, Laney. Feel better.”

     “Thanks, Benji.  Night.” Her fingers traced over the smooth surface of the door and she closed her eyes, listening to his retreating footsteps as laughter sounded from the kitchen.

    
I’m sorry, Benji.  You don’t want to deal with a mess like me.
 

     It was with that thought that she collapsed against her bed and cried herself to sleep.

Chapter 5

Lydia

    
It had been a month since her sister’s confession about her past and there were no signs of improvement.  Laney was still acting strange, even though she tried to hide it, and Lydia was becoming increasingly worried about her.

     It was distracting her from the wedding plans she knew she needed to get organized, but what else was she supposed to do?  Her sister wasn’t something she could put on hold until after saying ‘I do’.  Laney needed her and Lydia wanted to be there for her.

    
But how can I be there for her when she obviously doesn’t want me to be?

     Anytime Lydia tried to bring it up, Laney became defensive.  It was a side of her sister, she’d never seen before.  When they were kids Laney had told her everything. They never hid anything from one another, but maybe that’s what Lydia got for leaving in the first place.

     Her guilt was eating at her now more than ever before.  She couldn’t help but feel somehow responsible for Laney’s downward spiral.

     “Are you thinking about it again?” Callum asked as he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

     Dropping a partially filled out wedding invitation onto the counter, she closed her eyes and nodded.

     “And she’s still avoiding it, huh?” He kissed her cheek and ran his hand up and down her arm in a comforting manner.