A Beauty Dark & Deadly (A Dark & Deadly Series Book 1) (22 page)

"I" - His eyes shifted to Jason before looking back at Emmy.

"Whatever you can say to me, you can say to Jason," she told him.

"What are you talking about, Emmy?" the kid - Cody - said, aghast. "Don't tell me you're actually friendly with this guy, this murderer? He killed his wife and her lover. You know that, I know that. Hell, he knows that. What's to keep him from killing you if you mess up or piss him off? He got away with it once. He probably thinks he can get away with it again."

"Cody, what do you want?" she asked again, interrupting Jason from growling some smartass retort. "I haven't seen you since college and now you show up at Jason's door like you have the right."

"Don't tell me you're friends with this guy, Em," Cody said, still not answering the question. "Or, God forbid, you're fucking him or something."

"That's none of your goddamn business," Jason said through gritted teeth.

Cody swallowed but stood his ground, his eyes only on Emmy. "You can't have a life with him, Em. Not with his baggage. People will talk. They'll discriminate against you - not because you did anything wrong but because of your relationship with him. You'll be isolated. You'll be a recluse. Your grandfather would disown you" -

"Don't talk about my grandfather like you know him," Emmy said, and it was the first time she actually sounded mean. "You don't know him. You never did."

Cody ignored the interruption. "You wouldn't have a life," he finished, looking at Emmy with big, pleading eyes.

Jason held his breath, his gaze burning into Emmy, waiting for her to respond. Then, "Is that all you have to say?" she asked.

Cody opened his mouth and then shut it. "Yeah," he said, almost helplessly.

Emmy nodded. "Don't come back here again," she said and shut the door in Cody's face.

Chapter 12

“He’s right, you know.”

Emmy’s head snapped behind her, and she shut the front door, locking it before looking at him once again.  Her brow furrowed and she pursed her lips together, tilting her head to the side.  Her heart was beating against her chest like a baseline in a rap song.  She wondered if it was loud enough for him to hear.  She certainly could hear the echo of it ring in her ears.

“What do you mean?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.  Jason couldn’t possibly be talking about the vile Cody had been sputtering about before she slammed the door in his face.  He had just defended her, defended them and their relationship, whatever their relationship was.  It had been a few hours since they started sleeping together, but neither felt any reason to bring whatever this was up.  It was unspoken, something that did not need any more analysis. 

“He’s right about everything,” Jason went on, and she saw a flash of frustration, of anger, of danger, in his eyes.  It lit them up, taking them from an indecipherable dark color to a clear dark blue.  It was hard not to stare into them, but hard to lock eyes only because of how penetrating they truly were.  “You.  Me.  Us.”

“Stop it.”  Emmy closed her eyes and clenched her jaw.  He could not be serious.  Jason was lashing out.  He was upset at Cody’s words, certainly, but there was no way he actually agreed with him.

“No,” Jason said.  His eyes continued to bore into her, as though they were a weapon unto themselves.  And, in truth, they were.  She was rooted to her place, and she could not look away, not even if she were to try.  “You need to hear this.  What Cody said about everything was right.  You deserve better than this shack, than me and my life and my baggage.  Whatever this is” – he gestured between the two of them – “you don’t deserve to be stuck with it.”

Emmy opened her mouth, ready to argue with him, but something made her stop. Cody and Jason were talking as though she and Jason were serious, that this was the rest of her life, being with Jason secluded from the world in their own piece of Heaven. She knew such a thing wasn't possible, and to be honest, she didn't know if she was ready to make such a defining commitment to a man she liked but didn't love just yet. Cody was being a dipshit, Jason was being insecure, and Emmy was caught in the middle with a feeling that neither was right and neither was wrong. What she needed to do was get on more stable footing about what she wanted and where she saw her life. She knew she wanted to be with Jason but not at the expense of isolating herself from the world, from her grandfather, from the possibility of travel.

Traveling was important to her, and the only thing that held her back from it was her grandfather's various medical issues. Even money wasn't an issue because if she knew her grandfather was one hundred percent healthy, she would have no problem scrapping together some money for a plane ticket and backpacking throughout Europe. If Jason did not want to see the world then she knew she couldn't be with him long-term.

"Listen," she said, after another pause. She was digesting her feelings, trying to figure out the best way to handle the conflicting emotions warring inside of her while still remaining true to herself. "You and Cody can't tell me what's good for me and what's not. You can't tell me what I deserve and what I don't. These decisions are mine and mine alone. We haven't even talked about what this is" - her hands gestured between them, flopping around carelessly - "and you're already making decisions about it without discussing it with me first."

She hadn't realized her eyes were shut until she opened them once she was finished speaking. She found Jason smiling at her, one of his small, amused grins that caused her heart to speed up and the blood rushing through her veins to slow down so her cheeks turned a weird shade of pale and pink combined.

"What?" she asked, her voice small but curious. Back to normal.

Jason shook his head, the ends of his hair dancing on his shoulders. "You're right," he said with a shrug. "We should probably figure out what this is before we make decisions based on it."

"Exactly," Emmy said with a nod. "You go first."

Jason chuckled, then reached up to cup the back of his neck with his hand. It was such a boyish gesture, her body could not help but explode with warmth at the sight of it.

"I like you," he said, and Emmy was surprised that his confession and with his eyes looking directly into hers. From her time with Jason, she knew he didn't talk much about his feelings, especially feelings that exposed his vulnerability and left him open for rejection. The fact that he was able to write books using his real name and not a pen name
- when books were so easy to criticize and exposed the author straight through to their core - amazed Emmy. It didn't surprise her that he could emit anger and frustration, annoyance and amusement, but the fact that he admitted to having romantic feelings for her with such ease... "I like you a lot."

Emmy waited a beat, and then another. When he continued to remain silent, she gave him a smile. "What?" she asked. "Is that it? You like me?"

"What more d'you want me to say?" he asked, pushing his brows up so they disappeared behind his long hair.

Emmy pressed her lips together to keep frustrating words at bay. Being frustrated and giving him attitude wouldn't help the situation. Instead, she decided to lead by example. "I like you, too," Emmy said, and she looked him in his eyes the same way he did for her. "I don't know what these feelings mean. I have no idea what it would mean for us, what it means at all, and maybe that's okay for now. But I know I want some clarity so I'm not confused. I want us to know where we stand with each other." She cleared her throat, trying to figure out where to go next. She was lucky he wasn't the type to jump in and interrupt. Finally, "I know I don't want to be with anyone else. I can tell you that I'm a monogamous person, even if we're just... doing what we're doing."

"Being with me isn't going to be easy," Jason said. "Let's not pretend I don't have baggage, and I don't want to pull you under any more than you already are. Your reputation is in tatters; it'll be ruined if we're together romantically. Even though I wasn't convicted, people still think I'm guilty. They'll put that on you, just for being with me. They'll call you every name in the book and I won't be able to protect you from it all."

"I don't need you to protect me," Emmy told him. Her voice came out shaky despite the fact that she tried to control herself. He just spoke about the murders, the trials. He didn't go into detail but he mentioned it. To her, that was a big step. Maybe even the biggest. "Everyone has baggage. I have baggage. The person that I'm with will have to understand that my grandfather comes first. I know that's not like your baggage but not many guys can handle that. When it comes to you, I can't tell you I know what I'm getting myself into or that I'll be able to handle whatever comes our way because we're together. But I'm willing to try." She gave him a smile, feeling confident at her own words. "We can take it day by day, so there's no pressure on us."

"You would do that?" he asked. He swallowed, glancing away, out the window, before looking back at her. He didn't believe her. Not yet. But he wanted to. "Just to be with me?"

Emmy rubbed her lips together. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, to reassure him that she wanted nothing more than to be with him, that everything would work out okay. That there was nothing to worry about. But something stopped her. She couldn't baby him. She couldn't be the place he constantly ran to whenever he was afraid. He needed to be able to handle things on his own, especially if they were going to be together. It wasn't a fair burden to place on her, and she didn't think it was fair to him, either. If she was willing to go through the ordeal of being with him, he needed to figure himself out in order to be with her. He needed to be the man she ran to, just as much as she was the woman he ran to.

"What are you so afraid of, Jason?" she asked, her voice hesitant. She didn't want to force him to tell her things he wasn't ready to share just yet, but it was important to her that they communicate what they each expected from this and where they stood. It wouldn't work if they weren't on the same page.

"I" - He stopped himself, looked away.

Emmy ignored the hurt that spread across her chest, tried to be understanding. If the timing wasn't right for him, she couldn't force it. And she wouldn't force herself to wait for it, either. Perhaps it was something that should have been discussed before they had sex multiple times. Not that she regretted it. She didn't regret sex with Jason at all.

"After everything that happened with Stacey, it's been hard for me to trust someone," he said. He looked like a deer caught in headlights, ready to dart away into his room and lose himself in his writing. But he stayed. He was talking. That had to count for something. "But it was so easy to fa-, to trust you. I don't know how you did it. But I trust you. I do. But my scars from the whole ordeal are still ripe."

"You miss her," she said, nodding her head once.

"I don't," Jason said. His tone was sharp, reprimanding, but Emmy knew the hostility was not directed at her. She pressed her teeth together and held back anything that might come out. Instead, she chose to listen. "Stacey betrayed me. Once she did that, something inside of me snapped. I don't give a shit for her. At all. I don't feel sorry about what happened to her."

Emmy wasn't sure how to feel about his admission. Regardless of their history and what happened between them, it was a little harsh to not care that his wife was murdered. To be honest, it sounded like something a cold-hearted killer would say, and Emmy knew Jason wasn't cold-hearted. The thing was, she didn't know if he was a big softie at heart or if she brought that out in him. If it was the former, then the chances of him killing his wife and her lover were slim. Plausible but not likely. If Emmy was special, it meant that this warmth wasn't common for him, which meant he would never harm her but it didn't guarantee someone else the same thing. It was a catch-22. Emmy liked being special, liked knowing she was responsible for Jason's slow socialization, but at the same time...

Her thoughts trailed off and she did not chase them. She wouldn't think about his past now. Maybe later but not now.

Jason looked remorseful. Emmy couldn't tell if he regretted his words or his feelings. Maybe he regretted both. But his dark blue eyes pooled with concern and he had to look away from her.

"Look," he began. He picked his eyes up from the floor and forced them back into hers. "I know it's not a nice thing to say. But I don't want to lie to you. I won't ever lie to you. You can ask me anything and I promise you, I'll be honest.

"You want to know about Stacey? I fell in love with her perfume before I fell in love with her. She was a publicist for my publishing house and on the rare occasions where they called me in for meetings, she was in the room, taking notes and pitching ideas. I hated all of her ideas. I'm not the type that likes to be in the public eye. I like to hole up in my room and write."

Emmy felt her lips curl up in a smile. "I know," she said.

"But she was pretty and she would always smile at me and make me feel special. I couldn't look at her for a while because I was so shy. But she cornered me one day and forced me to get her a coffee. And we talked. And we started dating. And life was good." His eyes darkened as memories flitted through his mind, memories he had buried a long time ago. Memories he wanted nothing more than to forget. "Until it wasn't. Stacey was a social animal. She was constantly going out after work and having drinks with friends on weekends, which is fine. She can do whatever she wants, especially since I'm not the type to do that with
her. As long as she came home at a reasonable hour and didn't drive drunk, I didn't care. What I care about is mutual respect and understanding. If I didn't complain about her free time, she shouldn't complain about what I do with mine. But she did. Constantly. I tried going out with her a couple of times and she tried staying in with me, but we hated it. We were both miserable."

"So she tried to change you but wouldn't change for you," Emmy said slowly, trying to sort this all out.

Jason nodded. "There were other things," he said. "We both wanted kids but once we were married, she changed her mind. She liked the city, I liked the quiet of Tahoe. We were just different. Opposite. Too much."

"Yeah," Emmy said, nodding her head. "There's this myth that opposites attract, and that's true to a point. You can have independent interests from your spouse, certain activities you choose to do alone rather than together, but no one broke up because they were too alike and spent too much time together. As long as your core values line up - whether you want kids or not, how to raise your kids, religion, politics, what you believe in - you should be set for a happy, healthy relationship. Now, I'm not saying it's impossible to have differences. My mom was a republican and my dad was a democrat and they were crazy for each other. But then again, they had the same view on the world." Emmy watched as his lips curled up into a gentle smirk. "What? What did I say?"