A Blessing for Miriam (27 page)

I
van fought the darkness as great waves of fear crashed over him. This must be a dream! he told himself. He couldn’t breathe. One could always breathe in dreams. He gasped for air and pushed upward with both hands. Suddenly he realized a tender hand was stroking his forehead.

“It’s okay. You’re awake now.”

Ivan recognized the voice of his sister Marjorie whispering above him. He forced his eyes open, but he couldn’t focus. His parched lips worked slowly. “Am I in a dream?”

“Not now, but you might have been.” Marjorie held Ivan’s hand. “But you’ve come to now. The nurse who stops by to check on you should be here soon.”

“Where’s Laura?”

Marjorie hesitated. “We’d best not speak of that now.”

Ivan tried to sit up. The throbbing in his head drove him back. “Is she hurt badly?”

“Perhaps
Daett
or
Mamm
should talk to you about the accident.” Marjorie’s voice trembled.

Ivan groaned and moved his head on the pillow. “You might as well tell me, Marjorie.” Another low moan escaped his lips. “Or maybe you’re telling me I don’t want to know?”

Marjorie didn’t say anything for a moment. “We have you at home but in a hospital bed. You’ve been unconscious ever since the accident, which happened a little over a week and a half ago.”

“Where’s Laura?” Ivan repeated. Marjorie’s frightened face appeared through a dull haze in front of his eyes. When she didn’t answer, he said, “I want to know, Marjorie. Right now.”

With a sigh of resignation, Marjorie said, “Ivan, Laura’s dead and buried.”

“No!” His cry was deep. “She can’t be. We were just talking, and I…”

“Ivan, please.” Marjorie had both of his hands in hers. “It’s the Lord’s will, and we must all submit.”

“She’s gone? But I didn’t get to…” Ivan turned his face sideways on the pillow.

“She couldn’t be helped, Ivan.” Marjorie stroked his forehead. “Don’t blame yourself.”

“It was my fault. We had an argument. I insisted…”

Marjorie shushed him. “No one is blaming you, Ivan. These things happen.”

“Leave me alone,” he said, his voice hollow.

She didn’t move from his bedside. “I’m here to help you; I’m not leaving.”

Ivan whispered, “The best thing you can do is give me some time…alone.” When she still didn’t move he lapsed into silence. After several minutes, he finally said, “All right, then tell me what you know about the accident.”

Marjorie stroked his arm. “You were on Highway 39 near Berlin on a Friday night. We assume you were on the way to the shopping
plaza because Laura had her shopping bags along. You were struck from the front by a car. You were thrown from the buggy.” Marjorie’s voice dropped. “Laura was also thrown, and she died where she fell. We buried her three days later.”

“Who was the
Englisha
driver?”

“That’s not important, Ivan. You know that.”

“Did the police say why the accident happened?”

“They’d don’t know for sure.”

“I know.” His voice was a groan. “Beauty drifted across the yellow line because I wasn’t paying attention to her.” Marjorie’s silence told him that his answer was one she’d heard. He half-closed his eyes. “You’d best leave me alone now.” Marjorie’s form stayed beside the bed for a moment longer before seeming to drift away. Darkness threatened again, but Ivan fought hard to stay conscious. There would be no gain if he avoided facing this nightmare. Laura was dead. He couldn’t get his mind around that apparent fact. How could that be? Marjorie wouldn’t tell him something that wasn’t true, especially something so big. She said they’d buried Laura. That meant the baby was gone too. The baby wasn’t old enough to survive outside the womb, even if the doctors had tried to save it. He’d lost them both.

Ivan moved his hand across his face. Laura would never be back, and he hadn’t even had a chance to tell her goodbye. And the accident was his fault. Marjorie seemed to have known, so the rest of the world probably did too. People might not blame him outright because accidents did happen, but still…

Moaning again, Ivan moved his legs to the right. Here he was in bed when he should be at his job. He could do nothing about Laura or the baby. The agony in his soul might lessen if he could work with his hands. With care Ivan flexed his fingers. They seemed to work. Slowly Ivan moved his legs more and then sat up. The world swam before his eyes, but he managed to stay upright.

A cry came from the doorway, followed by the sounds of quick footsteps.

“You can’t get up, Ivan. You can’t!” Marjorie insisted.

Stubbornness was strong in his voice. “I’m no
gut
lying around. And after what I’ve done…”

“But what if you injure yourself again?” Marjorie wrung her hands. “I’m responsible for you until
Mamm
or
Daett
get here.”

Ivan groaned but lowered himself back on the bed.

Marjorie stepped closer. “Pushing yourself will not bring Laura back.”

“I want to speak with Laura’s
mamm
. Will you go get her for me?”

“Right now?”

“
Yah
, now! Why should it wait? It’s already been too long. I need to face this, and putting it off will just make it more difficult.”

“You don’t have to speak to her right now, Ivan. The Swartz family holds nothing against you.”

“Maybe I hold something against myself.” Ivan looked up at Marjorie. “Please get her.”

Marjorie hesitated but soon left. She came back with her shawl. She pulled the blankets back over Ivan and then draped the shawl over her own shoulders. “Are you still sure about this, Ivan?”

“
Yah
, please. I’m very sure.”

Marjorie nodded and left.

Through the window, Ivan saw Marjorie reach the barn and go in. A few minutes later, he watched as she led her harnessed horse out of the building and over to a buggy. She hitched the horse to the buggy. Ivan was reminded of Laura’s horse. No doubt Beauty was dead or had to be put down. He had a vague memory of a large shape lying still on the blacktop. He hadn’t thought to ask about the horse, but what did it matter? Compared to the loss of Laura and the baby, Beauty was a small matter. Still, the ache in his heart increased.

Laura…if they only hadn’t argued before the accident…His thoughts paused as he heard Marjorie drive quickly down the lane. No doubt she wanted this deed over and done with. He was
thankful she respected his wishes, especially because she’d probably been told not to leave him alone. The idea to speak with Rachel had sprang into his mind, but he was sure he was right. He needed to see someone from the Swartz family at once. They might understand if he waited a few days after waking up, but they would respect him more this way. Now, if he could stay awake and alert until Rachel arrived.

A chill settled in, and Ivan wrapped the blankets more tightly around his body. His teeth chattered, and a hazy whiteness floated around his head. With a long sigh, he settled back and closed his eyes. He just needed to drift off a bit. Maybe he’d never come back to this world. What a relief that would be. But obviously the Lord wanted him to remain. His injuries must not be life threatening; they wouldn’t result in death regardless of how long he slept. And sleep wasn’t really what he wanted right now. He needed to mourn for what had happened. But how did a man do such a thing? Especially when the accident was his fault? Tears filled his eyes, and the pain in his heart didn’t lessen. Perhaps when Rachel arrived and he spoke with her…

Ivan covered his face with both hands.
Laura was buried.
He still couldn’t believe it. She’d been in this house with him only moments ago…or so it seemed. How could this have happened? Ivan stared at the ceiling and willed the moments to speed by quickly. They crept along instead. Ivan counted them off for forty-five minutes before he heard the sound of a buggy rattling down the driveway. The noise stopped short of the barn, and soon he heard rapid steps run up the walk. Ivan lifted his head as the front door burst open. Marjorie appeared, one hand on her chest.

“I’m still here,” Ivan managed to whisper. “Just weak…very weak.”

Relief spread over Marjorie’s face. “I’ll go take care of my horse, and I’ll send Rachel in.”

Ivan settled back into the bed. Moments later the front door opened again, but this time he didn’t look up.

“
Gut
morning,” Rachel greeted him as she appeared in the doorway to his room.

“
Gut
morning,” Ivan replied, turning to face her. “Thanks for coming. I’m so sorry about everything.”

Rachel took the chair beside the bed and ignored his apology. “I’m glad to see you’re awake. You had us worried.”

Ivan shook his head. “Let’s not speak of me. Laura and the baby are gone. I allowed Beauty to drift across the yellow line. Laura and I were talking…”

Rachel wiped away a quick tear. “I know. Marjorie told me you told her that. That could happen to anyone.”

“But it happened to me…to Laura and me…and our baby.” Ivan stared at the ceiling.

“Tell me about her last moments,” Rachel asked, interrupting Ivan’s agonized thoughts.

Ivan swallowed hard. “I’d made a fuss about her writing letters to Esther and encouraging her to…well, you know about what. We argued before we started out on our shopping trip, and it continued for some time on the road. I wanted her to write to Esther and tell her not to…to interfere with…” Ivan’s voice drifted off.

“Did you settle the argument, before…”

“
Yah
,” Ivan interrupted. He nodded. “She was leaning against my shoulder and agreeing to stop encouraging Esther. She was going to leave it up to you to correct Esther. You had a
wunderbah
daughter in Laura, Rachel.”

Rachel blinked a few times. “I know. I’m glad to hear your last moments together weren’t spent on a quarrel. Laura could be a little headstrong, but I’m sure you knew that.”

“I’m sorry she’s gone,” Ivan whispered. “I’ll never be able to make it right to you.”

Rachel reached over to squeeze his hand. “I’m thankful you loved my daughter, Ivan. I was always glad you married her. Laura and you were good together.”

Ivan turned his head away from Rachel for a second. “I don’t know about that, but thank you.”

“You must go on with life now.” Rachel regarded him with intensity. “Whatever lies ahead of you, don’t ever think that I hold any of this against you. I’ll always miss Laura, of course. I do wish I could have held my newest grandchild, but the Lord knows best.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there,” Ivan tried to sit up. “At the funeral and all, I mean.”

Rachel rose to her feet. “I know you must have felt you needed to tell me this, but I want you to know I wasn’t holding a grudge against you in my heart. And neither does anyone of our family. We are glad you are part of our family. We know it was an accident. In the end, we all have to say that the Lord allows what He wishes.”

“I’m sorry, just the same.” Ivan rested his head on the pillow again. “I should have paid better attention.”

“You loved Laura. That’s
gut
enough for me.” Rachel wiped her eyes. “Rest now, Ivan. And get well. And may the Lord bless the rest of your life. We wish you well, and will always think of you as part of our family.”

He tried to protest, but deep weariness swept over him. Rachel’s face was starting to float in front of him. Just before he drifted off he realized Marjorie was standing next to Rachel. “I’m sleeping now,” he murmured.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

S
hirley felt the bandages on her face and then pressed them gently with her fingers. Dull pain erupted, and she winced. How well had the surgery gone? she wondered again. The nurse she’d asked earlier hadn’t been too forthcoming other than to say, “The doctor will be in to see you in the morning.”

Mamm
, sitting in a chair beside her bed, broke into a warm smile when she saw Shirley looking at her. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay, I guess. I want to go home.”

Mamm
’s smile lingered. “Tomorrow we’ll take you home.”

“Will I be beautiful again?” Shirley couldn’t stop herself.