A Break Up Survival Guide (2 page)

Tip B:
  Ensure you eat well; even if you are not hungry, there are ways you can improve that and it’s so easy.

Don’t eat junk.  Avoid that trap we so often fall into of grabbing a box of chocolates (also known as, ‘a girl’s best comfort food’), and eating the whole box to make yourself feel better.  For goodness sake, you have to eat well.  It’s no effort to eat fresh fruit, vegetables and salads with some protein. 

Keep up with your carbohydrates, the healthy kind that comes from our vegetables like broccoli, carrots etc… and not from packets of high sugar cereals, pizza, pasta and potatoes.  Yeah…I love them too, but as I often say to others, “I eat what is good for me, not what I like and that is the secret to my health and my lean body.”  You honestly don’t need a tutorial on eating healthy. 

There is so much information out there now, so readily available to us about how to eat well.  And if you’ve missed it, then you can find plenty of free or dirt cheap suggestions on good eating in the Resources chapter at the end of this book. 

Tip C:
 Don’t diet or exercise at a time like this!  You don’t need it. Walk a lot, or if you are like me and love gardening, then go out into the garden as get in touch with mother earth, which is one of the best things you can do for yourself at a time like this.

If you have a dog, you are even luckier.  Take your dog for long walks. Don’t run; pace yourself.  You are not working towards the Marathon Quest, just trying to raise your energy levels.  If you don’t have a dog and need motivation to get out there and walk, then find a friend who is happy to walk with you.  It doesn’t have to be every day, even every second day.  Only 20 minutes, and I know you can find the time.  Remember, you’re on your own now, and the time your EX took up can be directed into other areas of your life like taking care of YOU.

Tip D:
Talk, talk, talk.  Now you know, we girls are great at talking!  Don’t shut up…. Your girlfriends love to listen.  This is what we are made for! Have you forgotten?  Your best friend is your girlfriend who is made for this kind of thing. 

DON’T run to a male friend with your woes, because you are just far too vulnerable right now and all you need to hear are those magic words, “He left you?  What an arse!  You?  Such a beautiful, talented, gorgeous sexy woman?  Was he blind? Did he have eyes?  Couldn’t he see the treasure trove he just up and left?  Why I should be so lucky to have had you as my girlfriend.
I would have known how to treat you right!  What a loser he was, how lucky  the next guy will be!” And you will be thinking,  “Goo, goo, gah, gah, OH MY GOD, this guy is just so amazing! He sees something in me the other guy didn’t.  He is so wonderful; he understands me.  He is so good for me.”  No! Let’s not jump right back into another bleeding mess!  Take my advice. DON’T go there girlfriend; it’s a BEEHIVE!

Tip E
:
   You want to move forward right?  Then this is important.

Plan your meals ahead of time.  Rather than sitting down playing Roy Orbison’s ‘
It’s over’
song, crying over a lost love, get pen to paper and write a list of the meals you are going to make for yourself over the next week.  This will keep you well organised and will not fall into the bad habit of just eating ‘whatever’.  The key to eating well and eating right is to get organised in this area and plan it.

Do you look in the mirror?
  Sometimes we avoid it because we don’t like what we see.    We tend not to care too much about the way we look when we’re feeling down and depressed about our situation. Quite often, we just throw anything on, avoid doing our hair and makeup or prettying ourselves up because well,….quite frankly, we have no one to dress up for now, do we? However, this can make us feel even worse. 

Start looking in the mirror.  What do you like and what don’t you like? Wrinkles?  Grey hair? Puffy eyes and tired looking? You can change the image in the mirror if you want.  Do you want fewer wrinkles, or at least to keep them at bay? Grey hair? Well, you can accept it and get a great style or colour it instead!  If you take care of YOU, you will start to like that person staring back in the mirror!

Tip A:
Here’s what you can start to do. Pamper yourself.  Treat yourself well.  Have a facial or get a massage if you can afford it.  If you can’t, buy some great massage oil or make it up yourself (I do!) and get a girlfriend to treat you to a nice massage.  Do this at least once a week.  Take long baths with bubble bath or lavender oil.  Lavender is relaxing.  Put nice music on and just enjoy being good to yourself.  Do you nails, colour your hair, get a new look and do whatever you need to do to look better.  When you look better, you start to begin to feel better.  Be kind to yourself.

You’ve got to like what you see in the mirror first.   Dress up!  You don’t have to have a man around to have a reason to dress up and look good. I remember after my first break up, I went around dressed in track suits most of the time.  I hardly bothered with the way I looked, until one day I noticed I looked rather tragic!  I just didn’t care about the way I looked and I was starting to dress and look older than my mother!  You don’t need a fortune to dress in nice clothes or look good.  You don’t need designer labels either.  You never know who you’re going to meet or run into, so dress to impress!  Always!

 
Are you wearing the right clothes?
   Sometimes we aren’t happy with our bodies because we are trying to get them to fit in clothes that don’t compliment the body shape and size!

Wearing clothes that have colourful patterns tend to compliment any figure. Bright colours and no stripes!  Wear heels with your jeans; being taller makes you feel thinner! Wear jewellery and other accessories to make you feel good and they also draw attention away from your trouble spots.

Are your clothes too tight?  Have them taken out or get a larger size.  It’s better to look better in a larger size than look horrible in a smaller size, not to mention not being comfortable!  Keep the smaller size for when you lose weight.  But don’t wear them until you do. 

Tip B:
You don’t have to spend an arm and a leg buying clothes. Take a friend and go to a thrift store.  Some clothes there
have never been worn!  Check the sales and clearance isles, too. 

 
Why do you want to date?
   Are you lonely? Do you want or need to feel a void? Do you want to have fun?   Are you looking for the next Mr. Right or…Wrong?  Let’s check on some things.

First, if you are trying to fill a void and are lonely, you are also vulnerable to attract the wrong kind of man. Keep in mind that you are usually not ready to date if the reason behind it is to soothe the aching heart, make the other person jealous, do it to spite your ex or fill the emptiness because you can’t get past the pain on your own.

If you want to get over the hurt and fill that void, call a friend. Join a new group that likes to do the same things you do.  Invite a girlfriend over for dinner or out to a movie or sleep over at your place or hers. 

Next, you need to pamper yourself. Remember what I had mentioned earlier about being kind to you.  Date yourself for a while. You need to focus on YOU!   What do you have to offer in a relationship?  Are you happy? Can you handle being alone? Do you really like yourself?  Do you know yourself?  If you answer “no” to any of these questions, then YOU need to fill that void with YOU.   Men are not put on earth to fill our void.  Yes, it hurts to be alone now.  Give yourself some time. Reflect on inventing YOU and liking YOU. 

If you must date (though I strongly recommend a substantial period of time to work on getting yourself together on so many levels before dating), at least do it sensibly. Otherwise, you are going to jump at the first person that strikes your fancy!  

Tip A:
Don’t start looking for Mr. Right.  Find out who you are, where you are going and be happy being single, then go out and have fun. You will attract Mr. Right.  And if you do online dating, do it for fun, go slowly and be safe. 

Online Dating- A Good Idea?
  Yes and No.  What are you looking for? Are you looking for someone to go out with? Do you need someone just to talk to? . Do you feel the need for affection?   Yes, there have been successes with online dating.  And yes, if you are ready to date again.

Start with just one dating service to see if you like it.  It’s hard to keep up with them all. If you find you don’t like it after a week, then try another.  Make sure you stay as anonymous as you can, for as long as you can and keep your private information like your phone, email and address secure until you get to know them via the dating service communication avenues.

Then when you feel like you can go to the next level, give him your IM address and text message.  This is a great way to communicate.  Inhibitions are down and you are more likely to ask questions you really want and need to ask.  This will help with your screening process. After this, move to email, to phone, and then meet. When you do meet, meet in a public place.  Old fashion rules apply here.  Don’t bring him home or to the kids yet!

You still need to get to know him before you start intimacy or introduce him to the kids. 

Tip B
:
Date a few this way.  Don’t just screen one out.  You need to wait until a few have made it this far before you go to the next
level.  

 You are going on your first date!
  Come prepared, be safe and be confident!   Ok, be prepared, what do you mean? Well, what if it doesn’t go so well?  Have a backup plan.  First make sure you meet him somewhere or go with friends on a double date if the situation is attainable. Do not have him pick you up.  That way, it is not uncomfortable by having him take you home or needing to contact someone else to come get you.  Have a phone ready in case you need the backup advice of a friend.  At this point, you should be ready to date and happy with you and who you are! 

Tip C:
Conversations should not be about the problems you have had with your past relationships.  If they ask, tell them that it wasn’t to be and now you have a better understanding of where you are in your life and what you want out of it. Keep the conversation positive and if you are uncomfortable with a question, be vague and then ask him a question. Guys like to talk about what they like to do.  

Blind Dates
:
  I have had limited experience personally on blind dates.  Fact is, I had one blind date my entire life and it was nothing short of a disaster and it put me off forever!

I had been under the assumption I was having a coffee with an old acquaintance I had not seen in about 20 years.  A friend of mine set it up for me. I really had no reason to believe it was going to be anything more than a coffee with an old friend and perhaps later turn into someone to talk to or go to dinner with from time to time.  I was a little apprehensive at first, but we talked on the phone once and we seemed to click.  Given that we knew each other from the past, all seemed fine.

I played it safe.  I met him at a café and I drove myself there so that I was in control of when I wanted to leave. What I wasn’t ready for was what came out of his mouth after about 30 minutes talking about what we had been doing the past 20 years or so.

He leaned over and said “Well, I’m in!”

 “In for what?”  I asked. 

“This relationship thing. I’ll tell you now that I’m not into the romance rubbish. I like to get straight to the point, no messing about and I like what I see, so let’s get on with the dating business.”

At that point I was actually lost for words, excused myself and went to the ladies room.  I phoned my sister.  I was panic stricken, literally.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t want to run off because he was a friend of a friend of mine.  I knew I wasn’t going to be in any harm, but this man clearly had the wrong idea and I had to find a way to let him down without being rude and abrupt.

On returning from the ladies room, I smiled and told him I was still going through somewhat of a difficult time getting over the last relationship and that I wasn’t in any place emotionally or mentally to move towards another relationship, as that it would be a disaster.