A Breath Until Forever (27 page)

Meredith could barely make Joshua out anymore and even his rusty beat up Ford pick up truck which was a faded blue through tears and rain had all but disappeared. She lowered the window so she could peek her head out to turn her head as far she she could so that even a squint of him could be extracted into a view, and her long hair blew in the heavy Autumn wind which went into her eyes which made it very difficult to see. Meanwhile Joshua had given up trying to see Meredith anymore and he joined his companion in his old pick up truck reliving the same memories as Meredith but brighter and with much more color trying to hold back tears that stung his eyes. Benjamin continued heading Northwest and through bad visibility made his way throughout the city of Seattle. The BMW ran over large puddles. It splashed water up over the sidewalks. The windshield wipers were noisy now, being overused and employing all of their energy, on trying to wipe away the tears of the city. If only Meredith had windshield wipers too. To wipe away all other tears. To wipe them off to the side of the road where they would disappear into the ambiguity of the city.

Her heart hurt. Pain raged throughout her body. Emotions overwhelmed her. She wondered if she was wrong to have left Joshua and to have come home to a loveless marriage. She had wanted so much to stay but knew she couldn't because of her responsibilities. Her life that she knew. The life that was her protection. Her sense of security. She had told herself over and over again that she had done the right thing. And she had tried to convince herself that she had. It was her will to survive and her strength as a woman who made her make the choice that would prove to be fatal to her heart. If she had made the choice to stay with Joshua it wouldn't have been without consequences ad not without much sacrifice. It would have been dangerous to her future, if she had stayed. Would he had stayed with an older woman? Would he had left her? Would Benjamin take Daniel? She knew the decision she made was a cop out, but weighing all the good against the bad she thought at the time it was a decision worthy of her future.

She heard his voice again, singing in the shower, cleaning all the sex off his body after making love to Meredith for hours at a time. “Wild Night” by Van Morrison. He always sang off key, and his rendition made her wish she was deaf, however there was something so cute about the way he sang it and his bad singing voice that made her giggle as she waited for her turn in the shower all the while, smelling his scent on the messy sheets, and feeling the aftershocks of orgasms race throughout her body.

And she heard his voice again, that night, underneath the stars reciting Shakespeare. “It is not in the stars that hold our destiny, but in ourselves.”

Benjamin took a quick turn down 1
st
Street towards Pike Place Market. The fog and rain was slowly disappearing and a rainbow of amazing colors was manifesting behind a trailer truck who had his taillights on bright and red.

She had already said goodbye to Joshua but this was the goodbye that she really needed. The realization that she was with Benjamin and not with him hit her hard. The understanding proficiency that there were no more going back, no more hope, no more light; made her feel powerless. He obviously had moved on, publishing his book, and he could have stopped her, but he didn't. But she hadn't run out of the car though either. Both of them knew, that was it. By some kind of higher power they had intersected lives again and was given one more chance. One more card to play. But neither played it. Both decided to end it. Perpendicularly. Each had an opportunity to run to one another and confess what their hearts secretly ached. Yet, neither one of them had the courage. With the last tear and the last longing into each others eyes, they separated for good. At one time in their lives they had passed into the unknown which had been led by destiny, but now it was up to them, and their freedom of choices, to decide whether or not if they wanted to be with one another. It was up to their own free will. Meredith with all of her expectations, her responsibilities, couldn't escape from the life that she had made before Joshua, and Joshua couldn't break Meredith free from the life that she had imprisoned herself to. Meredith began to openly cry. Tears streamed down her face. Her mascara bled. Her foundation ran. She would cry for Joshua. She would cry for years for the man that she lost forever because of her responsibilities.

Benjamin noticed Meredith crying, and confronted her about it. It wasn't like Meredith to cry. The only time that he had seen her publicly cry like that was when Daniel first was sent off to military school, and she had watched her baby be snatched up by hard discipline and an even harder regime.

“What's the matter don't like that song?” Asked Benjamin turning off the radio, wondering if John Lennon had affected her emotionally. He could understand it, Lennon always pierced through his heart every time, no matter what he sang.

“Gets me every time.” Meredith replied. “Just thinking about this world and how peaceful it would be if everyone got along.”

Benjamin knew it was more than a song. It was deeper than that. Much deeper.

“What's wrong Meredith?” Asked Benjamin. Meredith could hear the pittar patter of the raindrops that danced on the windshield as if they were doing a salsa. “I'm not buying it. You haven't been the same since you came back.”

“Nothing's wrong.” Answered Meredith, lying.

“I wish you would talk to me.” Benjamin expressed, feeling a sadness in his heart about Meredith being so sad. Even though Benjamin wasn't as connected to her as he would like, he still loved her, in his own way, and felt a sense of duty to extract out whatever was going on deep inside of her.

“Really I will be alright. I think it's just that Daniel is off to college now. It's finally hitting me.” This was true, she was upset that Daniel had whisked himself away from military school, and straight into Berkeley in California. It had been the same college that Joshua had chosen for pre med, so when she had dropped Daniel off of there, it had been bittersweet. Both Benjamin and herself thought for sure that Daniel, after military school, would have joined the military such as the Army or Marines, but Daniel was sick of the military routine, and so being an anarchist against his parents had applied to Berkeley behind their backs, got accepted, and was going for a Major in Philosophy. It did relieve Meredith in a way, as the Vietnam war was going on and if Daniel had joined the service, there would have been a big chance that he would have been sent away to fight for America with a gun in his hands, and a prayer.

“I understand.” He said. “I've been the same way too.”

Sure she was feeling the birthing pain of the empty nest syndrome but she wasn't going to tell him about Joshua. How he changed her world forever. How he loved her so deep that it would make her cry in happiness.

“Give me a few minutes Benjamin.” Meredith said.  “I just need to a get a hold of myself. I'll be fine then.”

What Benjamin was lacking in a husband, he also lacked in compassion. “Okay.”

Benjamin parked in the driveway at their townhouse. He shook his head. He wasn't a man to comfort a woman. He always thought it best for a woman to figure out things on her own. Before getting out of the car, Benjamin looked at Meredith. He was ashamed that he had a wife so full of emotions. He just wished she would pull herself together and be like all the other wives of the guys he worked with at the firm. Step-ford wives who behaved themselves, who were obedient, fleshy robots, who did what they were told, and not shed a tear during heartbreaking, emotional times. Woman who remained strong even if their souffle had flopped. But they were living in the times of the feminist movement, and woman marched to the drum of their feelings now, and had jobs like Meredith did, and it was something that Benjamin knew he had to adjust to, even if he didn't necessarily like it.

Benjamin got out of the car. Meredith stayed.

“Getting out?”

“In a minute.”

“Okay.”

He left her to sit in the car by herself. He had no heart, nor no patience. The rain now was at its climax, and heavily fell down against the windshield. No windshield wipers were turned on now to push away all the rain. Because of this, big drops of dewy Seattle filled water formed into oceans before her, sliding down to crash waves. There was no visibility now. No clarity. And Meredith couldn't help to think the same of her future. There was no visibility and clarity without Joshua. Everything was just as damp and sodden as to what she saw before her, and this made her dishearteningly sad.

She wanted to cry, but Meredith was out of tears now. Dried up and empty. She sat there silently, listening to the rain, her head in her hands. Eyes closed, dreaming of Joshua wondering if he was dreaming about her and wondering more, if he would reconsider of coming back and taking her away from all of this.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Meredith Hurley died September 9, 1992. She was 61 years old. Joshua was 46 years old at the time of her unfortunate death. What caused her death was a mystery, but all who knew her, knew that she died of a broken heart. On her autopsy report, it was listed as congenital heart disease, but if one had surgically removed her heart underneath a spiritual there was damage she just couldn't take it any more. Her son had found her sitting in a chair, directed towards the East, sunlight morning on her face, clutching onto a picture of a young man dressed in a dirty t-shirt and jeans. She was slumped over, but the picture was noticeably the cause of her death. Along with it was an engagement newspaper article saying that Joshua was getting married. She found out that the girl was pregnant, and in a letter to her attorney he had listed that her remains be cremated and not buried for she felt that she was part of the earth she should go back into the earth and be scattered across Thunder Valley. Her wish generated a rather predictable stir from her husband and son who were completely perplexed and found it odd but they implemented her wishes and put into action and disposed of the ashes just as she requested. But they had not traveled there to do it themselves, rather they paid someone to deliver them, as they couldn't do it themselves. It was too emotional of a time, and they had both been too vulnerable, too mixed of emotions.

Benjamin of course had wanted Meredith to be buried by him, but Meredith didn't want this. She may have been married to Benjamin in life and may have had to live with him, slept with him in the same bed, but in death, for eternity, the last thing she wanted to do was to sleep forever with him, side by side. This seemed so damned strange. So consider Benjamin's shock, when he found out that she wanted to not only be buried by him, near him, but to also be cremated. But wanting her ashes to be cremated in a place a thousand miles away, was a real shock to Benjamin. He thought it was quite odd, as Meredith had only traveled there once. It generated a considerable amount of gossip and got everyone that they knew talking. Her wishes were viewed as eccentric, but it was a legal disposition and one they knew he had to adhere.

There was a memorial service, where many attended. If only Meredith knew how many friends and family actually cared for her. Everyone from the priest at the Methodist Church that she attended, to the son of the wealthy hotelier, Mr. Cambria, who had hired her so many years ago to paint pretty pictures for the new wealthy hotel opening up in Miama. Also there, was the owner of the local cafe shop where she regularly picked up large cups of coffees as to fuel her in many errand filled journeys around the large and energetic city of Seattle. Many pictures were on a table, all to serialize her life. The birth of her son Daniel. Her marriage to Benjamin. And a picture of her in her 1959 rusty red Jeep in the hills of North Carolina. It was a picture she had sent to Benjamin when she had written him a heartfelt letter, to ease his worries when she had not returned back when it had been expected, and to tell him that she was just fine. In the meantime of that letter being delivered, she would have made love to Joshua at least five times and she had fallen hard and fast for a young rancher who would have forever changed her world if she had just given her heart to him in the way that he had wanted her too. Of course though it strange that she had not wanted to be buried by Benjamin and Benjamin was at first, rightly angry about it. And in a way it stung him to have made such a strange request and to have behaved in a puzzling way made him wonder about her and her last days and whether or not if she had been competent and that she had lost all of her sanity.

They came home after and found that their townhouse felt empty and not lived in without their mother. They didn't want to go into the bedroom, where Meredith had her own room. She had moved out of her marital bedroom five years ago, and had taken over the guest room as her own. Both Benjamin and Daniel had respected her privacy and space, and very rarely went in there, except when they were told they could do so. Meredith had kept in neat and cleaned and organized. They started to sort through stuff, old magazines, clothes, pictures and all that stuff that people save over the years. Then Daniel came across a box from underneath the bed. It was locked up, and looked as if you need a special key to unlock it.