A Bride for Keeps (26 page)

“But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his
stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man
looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. . . .

“And Samuel said unto Jesse, Are here all thy children? And he said, There remaineth
yet the youngest, and behold, he keepeth the sheep. And Samuel said unto Jesse, Send
and fetch him: for we will not sit down till he come hither.

“And he sent, and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance,
and goodly to look to. And the Lord said, Arise, anoint him: for this is he.

“Then Samuel took the horn of—”

“Wait.” Julia grabbed his arm.

He lowered the Bible. “Yes?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what?” Scanning the text he had read, the story sounded straightforward.

“It said God didn’t want the first son. That He looked at the heart and not on the
man’s pretty features, but the Book says the last son God chose was beautiful and
fine featured.” She bit her lip. “Sounds like He’s choosing what He said He doesn’t
choose.”

Glancing through the text, Everett could see how it sounded like God rejected one
handsome man for another. “Well, it says He sees the heart, but the text only describes
the looks of the two men. I suppose being in the same family, he was bound to be as
nice looking as the first one.”

She thumped her chin in her hands.

“God saw something in the first one that wasn’t as pleasing as what He saw in David.”
Everett stopped a moment and
tried to arrange his words for clarity. It was the first time she’d made a comment.
He didn’t want her to stop now. “I guess He ignores looks, be they ruddy and beautiful.
Or not. It’s what’s inside that matters.”

“What is He looking for?”

“Remember a few days ago when we read that God sought ‘a man after his own heart’?
He meant David.”

“So He only wants to bless those that are like God?” She dropped her head. “No one’s
perfect.”

Everett’s heart wobbled.
God, help me to help her understand. Your Word has brought this opportunity to share,
and I need your wisdom to take full advantage of it. If I can’t show my love to my
wife every way that’s possible, at least give her your love. Give her the peace that
comes from you, to comfort her in the stressful relationship I’ve put us in here on
earth.

She sighed and turned away.

Clearing his throat, Everett plunged forward. “No. We’re not perfect. I know my own
heart isn’t perfect. I don’t think I could get anywhere near the description David
was worthy of receiving.”

“Then there’s no hope for us.”

His head shook of its own accord. “David wasn’t perfect either. In fact, as king,
not only did he steal a man’s wife and have an affair, but he killed her husband so
he could keep her once she was found to be with child.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound much like ‘after God’s own heart.’” Her features appeared
confused, but something glimmered in her eye, like a fleck of hope.

“No, it doesn’t, does it?” He twiddled his thumbs. “But God still saw the man’s faith
and desire to know God and be what He wanted him to be. David messed up, but his desire
to obey was evident in his heart. That’s most likely why God
knew he’d be the best king. Despite wrongdoing, David’s heart strove to be right.”

“So how do you know if your heart is good enough?”

Everett paused, his heart beating in his ears. How did he know God wanted him? A memorized
verse shot into his thoughts, and he flipped to the book of Romans to make sure he
quoted it correctly.

“I guess we can never know.” She made a move to stand. “Just wait until we’re dead,
I suppose.”

Snagging her sleeve, he pulled her back down. “Give me a second.” His finger scurried
across the words until he located the spot. He held the Bible close so he could see
in the dim light and read aloud.

“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine
heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart
man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.”

He laid the book aside and turned so he could judge her expression. “That’s what the
New Testament says, so that’s what our instructions are today. David’s heart was right
with God. And these are our directions to get a right heart—believe Jesus died for
your wrongdoings and conquered death on your behalf. That simple confession, if it’s
backed with real belief and trust, makes your heart right with God. This is the kind
of heart God seeks. Someone who believes His commands and entrusts his life to God.”

Julia pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. He detected
a glistening in the corner of her eye. His arms ached to drop the Bible and pull her
into his chest, but he didn’t want to stifle the conversation.

“But there’s nothing in my heart worthy of wanting. All I have is my beauty. It’s
all I’ve ever had of worth. And the Bible says God doesn’t even want that.”

Brushing away her solitary tear, he cupped her face. “You are the most beautiful creature
I’ve ever seen. Just one gift God gave you that I enjoy. More than I ought. But He’s
right. The inside of a person is what counts. None of us are good on the inside, but
once you take the step to believe and become right with God, He takes an initial willing
heart and makes it better every day.”

Scooting closer, he took her other hand in his. “If you want to, you can trust Him
with your heart. He can save you from the wrong you have inside if you believe.” He
closed his eyes, as if his concentration could compel her to make a decision.

“Well, if my looks are worthless and my insides are worthless, then there’s really
no hope besides trusting that He’s willing to save me for no apparent reason. Right?”
She sniffed.

He paused and considered her words. “You’re right, there is no hope apart from Him.
Hope only comes from God and throwing ourselves onto His promises, having to rely
on the fact that He speaks the truth. But He does have a reason to save us: He loves
us.”

She nodded and propped her chin on her knee. Her frown twisted his insides.

After a bit of silence, he couldn’t remain quiet anymore. “Do you want to do that?
Confess and believe?” His heart teetered.

“But what if there’s something truly bad on the inside?”

“Nothing’s too bad.” He shook his head. “Remember David committed adultery and murder.
Surely you haven’t done anything like that.”

Her eyes darkened, and her arms tightened around herself.

Could she?
No, not his Julia. But she was hiding something. Something that terrible could explain
a lot of her reactions. Did he even want to hear? He reached for her hand, to comfort
her as much as himself. His mouth was dry, but he pushed out the right words. “Whatever
you’ve done, He’ll forgive. He promises to.”

She turned to him. “But—what—about—” a body-wracking sob interrupted each word—“you?”

He took her into his arms and held her for a long time as her sobbing ebbed and flowed.
The few times she tried to talk, the words tripped over one another and only brought
more tears. When she seemed spent, he nestled his cheek in her hair. Her body stiffened
in his arms.
Please, God, don’t let her revert back to silence.
“I believe in Christ the way He asks us to. I’m His child, and He gives me commands,
just like a father does. He tells me I have to forgive others just like He has forgiven
me. So yes, I will forgive you. Is there something you need to tell me?”

“But it’s too bad,” she whispered.

Figuring she hadn’t murdered, that left David’s story of adultery to have caused her
emotional letdown. He braced himself for something that would hurt to his very center.
“I won’t lie and say for certain what you’ve done won’t hurt me, but the past doesn’t
matter to me unless it’s standing in your way. Get rid of the guilt by telling God
about it. He’ll forgive your sins, and I should do no less.”

She loosened her arms from his waist, but he only gripped tighter.

“Don’t pull away, love. Let it out.”

She spoke into his chest. “I’ve been defiled. Another man has taken what you as my
husband alone should have.”

Wincing, he held her firmly. The hurt he’d expected couldn’t compare to the sinking
feeling he experienced in his chest. His arms trembled around her, and he blinked
hard and fast.

“My father promised him my hand, but when I learned he was marrying me only for the
business my father would give him, I refused,” she choked out. “He wouldn’t take no
for an answer.”

Flashes of fury bolted from Everett’s heart, toward his hands and head and back again.
He labored to keep his hold on her loose while desiring to crush the man. A trip to
Massachusetts for a manhunt burst into his thoughts. But that wouldn’t help his wife
hurting in his arms right here, right now.

And to think how she’d almost relived her nightmare with Ned. So that was where her
fear of men came from. He couldn’t blame her for the wrong done to both of them.

“Honey, there is nothing to forgive you for.” He leaned her head back and brushed
the hair from her face. “But I’ll tell you how that feels—awful. But there is no possible
way my pain could match yours. I want to kill him for hurting you. I’m so sorry that
happened. But it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you.”

“You’re not—” she hiccupped—“not repulsed by me?”

“No.” He couldn’t keep the huge grin off his face. “I can’t fathom anything about
you that would repulse me.”

“So God feels the same way about—”

“He hates sin, all sin. But that wasn’t your sin, although you’ve reaped the effects
of that man’s wrongdoing. But still, I’m sure you have done wrong things in your life.
Those are the things that you have to turn away from and ask forgiveness for. Do you
want to do that?”

“I suppose I should. I’ve always believed the story of Jesus dying on a cross and
coming back to life. I heard about that when we went to church every now and then.
But I never trusted Him for anything, and I don’t pray. How do I know He’ll accept
me when I’ve never really cared what He thought?”

Everett shrugged. “Because He promised He would. Faith is leaning completely on the
promise of someone to do what he pledges. If God said He’ll forgive us, and we believe
He is a God who can do anything, then we have to believe He’ll do what He said.”

She chewed on her fingernails, and he prayed through the silence. The sun sank behind
the rolling hills, and he sighed. It was good she asked questions. Perhaps she would
ask more on a later day. He prayed in time she would trust God.

“So how do I do this?”

His eyes snapped open, jolting him from prayer. “Huh?”

Julia waved her hands beside her face. “The confessing thing? Do I have to do something
special?”

“No. You just pray.” A smile teased his lips, but he kept it from taking over. This
was serious, despite her cute flailing limbs. “It’s simply talking to God. Remember,
it’s what’s in the heart He looks at. As long as the heart holds true what the mouth
says, He’ll hear you.”

“Fine.” She moved to bended knees and arranged her skirts. Like a little girl at the
side of a bed for her nighttime prayers, she folded her hands before her and whispered,
“God, I have nothing of worth. My heart isn’t even good, but Everett says you’ll take
it that way and make something better of me. I suppose I have to trust that you will.
I want you to want me. I want my heart to be wanted, not my face. You say that’s what
you desire. Please save me.”

She settled back on her heels, and her lower lip quivered. “Was that right?”

“Yes,” he croaked. His beautiful wife was one of God’s own.

Without thinking, he leaned over and brushed his mouth against hers. He lost his breath
when her face tilted up instead of away. Did he dare press another kiss to the same
spot?

She didn’t move when his hands encircled her upper arms, and he touched her lips again.
A tiny bit of returned pressure made his heart soar. Could it be true? Could God answer
both of his prayers in only a matter of seconds? One with God and one with him? With
her fear and guilt gone, was her heart free to love him? A heat from the center of
his being radiated to the far reaches of his body, and he pulled her in tighter. A
small hand cupped the back of his elbow. She was kissing him back!

His fingers turned liquid and he let go of her, his hands thumped against the blanket
to keep himself from melting into her lap. And then he couldn’t hold back, breathing
her in like air.

She pushed away. “No.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I can’t.”

His breathing labored, he wished he could hide in a hole. Her eyes were terrified.
“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked.

She rubbed her arms and looked away from him.

His whole body trembled with the feelings he had naïvely given in to. He stood and
rubbed his neck. He couldn’t force out the words to apologize again. Had this evil
man not only stolen her innocence but also his hope of ever fully showing his wife
how much he loved her?

Lord, I praise you for saving my Julia’s soul. Never would I have thought it would
have been so quick and simple, but
you knew what it would take to capture her. I’m glad you have her in your arms. Keep
her safe there, for my arms are not capable. I went headlong into this relationship
without your approval. I chose without your help and guidance.

Julia remained quiet, keeping her gaze averted toward the darkening horizon.

What a good gift you’ve turned her into: a believing, hardworking, beautiful wife.
Help me not to want anything beyond that. To keep my hands to myself.

Her body quivered too, but he surmised the shivering was more from fear than the fervor
that trembled through him. The sun sank as fast as his hope.