A Bride Worth Billions (36 page)

I reluctantly opened my eyes, as I knew the experience I recently had was just a dream. It would soon shatter me into more pieces than I was originally made up of and bring me back to reality. When I opened my eyes, I found that it was almost dark. The clock showed that it was seven in the evening. My blouse was still unbuckled. The pillows were still kept unevenly on the bed. There was a prominent bite near my neck. It was not a dream after all.

I thought about it the whole night and couldn’t come to the conclusion that it was Dan with whom I had a recent encounter. But there was no other scientific or reasonable explanation for the same. It was Dan. It had to be him. There was no other being, living or dead who had known the roadmaps of my body so well.

But I didn’t know if it was a good thing or bad. Yes, I was happy to know that Dan was still with me, but that would also mean that he didn’t find peace. He was earthbound. There was something which was holding him back and I decided to decode the mystery on my own. I couldn’t tell this to anyone else. They would first pity me for the loss or would think that it was all a figment of my imagination. After I won’t listen to their hollow words, they would start inspecting my notion. They would think that I have gone mad or have lost my mind. Some would even laugh on my condition or would pass a joke or two on my expense. They won’t listen. They won’t understand my dilemma. Whatever they do, it won’t bring Dan back to life. It won’t give him peace.

I remembered how Dan used to spook me time and again because he knew no matter how old I got, I was always a little girl too scared of ghosts. The irony of the statement mocked me. I have always been paranoid of spirits and here I was, courting the spirit of my dead husband, making love to a man who had no corporeal presence, reveling in the touch of someone who I shall never see again. Was I still scared of ghosts or was it a way Dan wanted to prove that not all paranormal things are creepy? I didn’t know to be happy or sad in the presence of Dan’s spirit in my life.

In a way, it gave me an odd comfort. I knew I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t see his smile and the amethyst blue eyes which had so many times drowned me in the fervors of love. I knew, I would never get to rub my hands over the hair that dotted his chest and never brush my fingers over those perfectly carved lips, but I knew, he could still envelop me in his hold. It wasn’t just about making love because it felt so much more, even with his spirit. I could see myself falling for a ghost, living with him, loving his silhouette, I had loved this man with every single fiber of my being and I just knew that I would still love this man, even when there is no face, no trace of a physical body. Love, they say, is like cocaine and I was an addict.

I smiled and cried together because I was in disarray. I had no clue of what is right and what is wrong and the only person who could excavate me of this mess was the man who made this mess - my Dan! Oh honey, what wouldn’t I do to trade you back to life! How was I supposed to unveil this big mystery? Can I afford to lose you for the second time or is love strong enough to help me bid you a teary goodbye?

I didn’t know what to do and I had never felt so vexed before. I cried out loud and suddenly, I heard a whisper, an incoherent voice, a mumbled response like the wind was trying to speak. By now, I knew it wasn’t the wind; it was the spirit of the man who stayed even though he should have left.

I let you comfort me. I knew it was selfish on my part. You were no longer meant to be here and I knew that when spirits stayed behind even when the person has died, every moment spent here is painful. I knew while you were trying to comfort me, you were dying a million deaths yourself. Technically, the idea didn’t make sense because you were already dead, but I knew you would know what I meant because you always did.

I had never been the strong one in the relationship. I had always fallen back on Dan for advice whether it was my career, my business or even our relation. Today, I knew, it was time I did something on my own because the stakes were high. Dan was at stake and I was not going to let him down. However, to sort the mess, I needed strength and that would come, only with Dan.

For one last time, I closed my eyes and whispered silently in the air, “Come, Dan. Make love. I need you. Fill me in with your strength and baby, soon I will figure how to help you out. As much as I love you, I know you don’t belong here and I will fight the toughest of wars, the scariest of dreams and the most terrible nightmares, but I shall get you home. Before that though, I want to remember every single stroke. Every single movement. I will memorize you in a way that nothing shall obliterate the presence of you from me.”

Dam fumbled something, but the words never reached me. I felt something very strong, gripping me and yet in the fierceness, there was a sensuality which left me whimpering. I didn’t want to simply lie back and feel. I wanted to be a part of it, I wanted to rip his clothes part like I always did and scream his name and tousle his hair and gently bite him when he least expected it.

But, I did none of those things. I simply closed my eyes and let myself be lost in the pleasure that used to be Dan’s touch. He did as I had asked and the touch was electrifying. It was hard to believe that I was making love to a spirit and not to a man because it felt so real. Could it possibly be that I was hallucinating, but before I even asked the question, I knew I was not! I could sense Dan’s touch in a room filled with people. I had given my soul to this man and I knew that it was him. His fingers traced every curve of my body. I could feel someone tugging my lips and I swore I heard, “Don’t have to let me go, I will stay, for you,” but it might have been wishful thinking on my part.

I do not know and for the night, I decided, I had too much on the plate to think. Yes. Dan was hurting. I felt the way his spirit moved. It hurt to know he had died. It felt good to feel him beside. However, no one could defy the laws of life. I knew, I had no choice. Even though, I was in love even with his spirit and I wanted badly for Dan to stay in whatever form I could let him be, my love for him surpassed the longing I felt. I cried and he kissed the tears. Slowly, I fell in an abyss of sleep, curling up against the silhouette that kept loving me.

The next couple of days passed in the same mysterious way. Friends and family members would visit me almost every day. Some to make sure that I had ample amount of food which would last long; while some would just silently check on me, without saying a word. They would just look at me with a faraway look in their eyes, the same way that Dan would look at me sometimes, without saying a word, but still capable of speaking so many words at once.

My mother would visit me every day with some food and clean the mess of our house. “I think you should stay with me for a while,” she would say while dusting the living room couch. I would listen to her words, but would never pass my approval. The house and those things were the only memories that I had of Dan. Moving away from the place would be like setting a closure to your favorite story, and I was certainly not ready to say goodbye to Dan so early.

“Do you believe in spirits, mom?” I asked her one day when everyone else was gone. We both were sitting near the kitchen, sipping a cup of hot chocolate, which was prepared by my mother.

“What do you mean by spirits? Like ghosts?”

“Like, when somebody dies, what happens to their soul? Where do they go? Does our soul goes to heaven or do they remain earthbound for a reason?”

She looked at me with her hazel eyes and with the wrinkles that surrounded them like ocean waves. She brushed my head and kissed my forehead.

“I know this is tough for you. It would be for anyone. Dan is gone sweetheart and he is not coming back. Don’t cry, don’t live in this pause. Move on. That is what he would have wanted. You know it. I know it. He… he would know it too!” I could see a tear rolling down from her eyes like snowflakes and decided not to speak any more about the topic. Yes, everything she said was true. Dan would have wanted me to move on, but how could I possibly move on from the death of my one true love when his spirit was earthbound.

Every day, Dan would make me realize of his presence stronger than ever. He would love me while I would lay on my bed, motionless, pretending to sleep. He would turn off the lights when I would forget to do the same. He would often turn them on too in the middle of the night. I guess it was his way of showing his presence. He would change the position of my shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom. I would often find brown bread and cheese placed out of the fridge and on the kitchen counter, waiting for me to clean the mess. But he would clean my mess too. Daily, I would be welcomed with well-cleaned and folded towels. My wardrobe never looked more organized, even when my life was falling apart. But somewhere between the flickering of lights and the absence of my conditioner, I knew that Dan was not happy. I would feel his anger and his rage. He was disappointed and a part of me started to believe that the reason behind his disappointment was me, for I was not able to figure out the reason behind his stay.

Knowing the reason behind his presence became the priority of my life. In a way, it would keep me busy and there would come a time, a little fraction of a few seconds when I would not think about the accidents and the wedding vows. I would not think about the car crash and the hospital. The face of that nurse would not cross my mind. I would just think about what I could do to help Dan, and nothing else would make me feel sad. The depression and the grief would soon subside and the newly found truth and mystery would take its place.

But when my wandering mind would find no place to halt its quest, it would again think of that one last touch, one last kiss. That moment. The wedding gown and the church. The bridesmaids and the lovely flower girl. The vanilla cake and our perfect poetic wedding vows. “For better and worse, forever and afterward,” I told him before he locked his lips with mine. This was our “forever and afterward”. I took a vow to be with him, to help him, to love him. And it was my time to prove it right.

I took the refuge of internet and searched for hours the reason why a spirit would choose to stay earthbound, when they were supposed to find peace in an afterlife or heaven or whatever is that after life, after death.

There were plenty of websites available for the same, but most of them looked false or a kind of sham. In the pool of those non-substantial websites, there were some forums too. Places where people like me wrote about their experience of interacting with an earthbound spirit. They had stories of how a mother lost her only daughter and could feel her presence for almost a year until she found out the reason for her presence. I also read the story of a girl, just like me, who lost her lover, and could feel his presence around her until she let go of him. But what exactly did it mean?

Let go of him – as if letting go would be that easy. As if letting go is an instance and not a process. After an extensive research, I came up with certain key notes. Dan was present with me. I knew it with utmost certainty. I also knew that Dan was not happy. Yes, having him, even in an invisible way with me was a relief, but it was not his place to stay. He had to go and there was a reason his spirit was still earthbound. He had an unfinished business.

Dan never took any loan or borrowed money from anyone, so that was out of the question. He was always very helpful, and the chances are that he was waiting for me to complete a promise that he made. After a lot of thought process, I came up with the following list of all the things that Dan had left in between, unfinished and undone.

•    Help Robert, his nephew for the soccer practice

•    Selling the old car

•    Getting rid of all the old stuff

•    Going out for a fishing trip with his dad

•    Winning “all you can eat crab leg” contest

•    Me – I was his most beloved and cherished possession that he left unfinished.

I knew it would be a hard task, and although the last one would be almost impossible to accomplish, but I was ready for it. I wanted to do it for Dan. I decided to start with the easiest and then climb up to the hardest task.

The next couple of months passed in the same way. I would feel Dan’s presence not only in the house, but also every time I would step out. He was there in the shopping mall when I would be buying groceries. He was there in the soccer fields when I would give Robert the practice sessions (after watching YouTube tutorials about the same). He was there when I organized the garage sale, to get rid of all the old stuff (even though it was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done). He was there with me when I went to the fishing trip with his father and came home with almost nothing (after waiting for almost eight hours in the middle of nowhere). He was there with me when I drove our old car for the last time and sold it to a complete stranger. He was there with me when I participated in the “all you can eat crab leg” contest too. I could feel him laughing out loud as I made fun of myself. I was the only girl who participated in the contest, and everyone, including my fellow participants and judges stared at me. I knew I could not win it even before I started, but I did it for him. I won’t lie, but yes, I had a great time participating in the contest and losing it terribly. I felt him with me.

I felt him smiling. I felt him having a great time during the fishing trip, during the garage cell, during the soccer practice sessions, and most importantly, during the eating contest.

After the list was crossed, I thought that he would be gone. He would find peace, but I was wrong. Even after that I could feel his presence and couldn’t figure out the exact reason.

One such morning, when I was getting ready and taking the shower, the water stopped coming all of a sudden. I knew it was Dan. I opened my eyes and realized that the shampoo and the conditioner were gone again. It was his idea of communicating with me, but this time I was not in a mood to play along with his tricks. I couldn’t hold myself together and started to cry.

“I helped Robert in the soccer practice. I sold our old car and all the other stuff. I went on that fishing trip with your dad. I even participated in the stupid contest, then why are you still here? I even said goodbye. Goodbye. Go!” I shouted at my invisible lover with agony and despair, with grief and out of frustration.

I’m here for you – he wrote on the mirror again, which didn’t really make any sense.

“But I don’t want you to be here for me!” I shouted again and found the lost bottle of conditioner nearby. I threw the bottle towards the mirror furiously, which broke it into pieces.

As the mirror shattered itself into some thousand pieces, it all came back to me. It was the day he proposed me. He asked me not just to marry him, but to be his one true companion for eternity.

He said, “Be not just my lover, but the reason of my existence, for I plan to stay with you even after the end of time!”

“But what if you die?” I asked foolishly, trying to make fun of him.

“If I die – then keep my ashes with you, and I will stay with you forever. I promise that. But in case, if my presence would make you feel uncomfortable, then empty my ashes to where we began and I will be gone!” He replied carelessly, but little did I know that he meant each and every word he said.

The pieces of the puzzle started to make sense. I finally knew what I had to do.