A Chancer (3 page)

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Simpson’s Bar
was crowded. Moving between the bodies he ordered a pint of heavy and carried it to a group seated at the far side. Donnie was standing next to the
table, nearby the darts’ board and when he saw his approach he roared: Look who’s here! The famous vanishing substitute!

Tammas grinned; he sat down on the fringe of the company.

So he isnt skint after all! laughed Billy.

Detained in a betting shop! laughed somebody else.

Ah shite, said Tammas.

A mixture of jeers and laughter greeted this. It was followed almost immediately by a loud roar from the darts game; a match had just ended. One of the guys at the board there shouted the
initials of the next player. And while he was rising and crossing the floor the person in question pounded the air with his right fist.

Tammas drank a mouthful of beer and asked, What’s happening?

Rab replied, Happening? What d’you mean happening – nothing’s happening apart from a chinky, we’re all going for a chinky.

I mean the arrangements man, Blackpool.

Hey Donnie will you listen to the boy here! Stoating in at 9 o’clock and he’s wanting to know about arrangements! Arrangements by fuck!

Donnie shouted: We’re going for a chinky!

O Christ! Tammas shook his head and raised his beer glass.

See what I mean? Rab laughed. You’re too late man – everybody’s steamboats.

John leaned over the table: We’ve booked in bed and breakfast Tammas. Seven pound a night and we’re lucky to get it. Usually well booked up before the end of August according to the
woman, the landlady. That’s how it’s so dear.

Aye, said Rab, nudging Tammas, there’s a guy in John’s work could’ve got us a place at half the price.

All I’m saying’s what he told me.

Aye well you fucking tell him to give us the address man and then we’ll see.

What is it yous’re paying? somebody asked.

Seven notes.

And that’s just for bed and breakfast, added John. On top of that we’ll have our dinner and tea to pay.

Billy sniffed. That’s right enough. And then we’ve got snacks and bevy on top of that again.

Aye and our fucking travelling expenses, called Donnie.

True. Plus if we back a few losers and all that I mean who the fuck’s going to pay that!

John shook his head. You cant get fucking talking in this place.

It’s only because you talk so much shite John . . . muttered Rab.

Aye do I!

Aye, laughed Billy.

Tammas had opened a new packet of cigarettes and he offered them about the company. He said to Rab: Saw the result in the paper man – great stuff. Is that yous through to the next round
then?

Quarter finals . . . Rab shrugged. And he added, What about the eh . . . you wanting to give us a few quid or what?

A tenner, aye. Tammas withdrew the money and handed it to him. Is that okay?

Well it’s up to you man but you’re still a wee bit behind. Rab folded the notes and put it into his hip pocket. He had a notebook in his inside jacket pocket and he flipped through
the pages, entered in the details, and added, Even Billy stuck in a score!

The others laughed.

Billy called: What d’you mean ya bastard ye!

Nothing, nothing . . . As Rab was returning the notebook into his pocket he said quietly to Tammas, You alright man?

What . . . aye, Christ – I just want to have it all in front of me at the time and that, see how I’m fixed for everything man, see what’s what.

Rab nodded.

Some choice . . .

What?

Naw I mean the chinky and that, a Saturday night.

Billy called: A couple of the boys are going up the dancing.

Aye, said Donnie, if you’d been in earlier ya cunt we might’ve got something organised.

Organised! We can fucking do it the now.

Naw we cant, too late.

Tammas shook his head. Think I’ll start going back to Shawfield.

You kidding!

Naw, this Saturday night routine man it’s fucking murder.

Aye okay but the dogs! Jesus Christ! You must’ve a short memory man!

Cause you go to the dogs doesnt mean you have to have a bet Donnie. Plenty of people go there just to watch the actual racing.

Aw aye! Donnie laughed and reached for his beer.

Rab said, Bad enough going to the dump but what like would it be without having a punt? Naw no me Tammas I’d rather have a few jars. And I mean imagine being over the night!

I know, cried Donnie, it’s fucking pissing down out there. You wind up going skint man and having to hoof it back up the road cause you’ve no got the price of a fucking bus
ticket!

Tammas was grinning. Hey wait a minute Donnie they give you credit fares remember!

No for Shawfield punters they dont! That’s fucking all stopped!

Lying bastard.

The others laughed. Rab said: It’ll no affect Tammas anyway. He’s just wanting to go and watch!

Aye well it’s better than fucking sitting here all night!

I agree, called John.

Nobody’s forcing you, Rab answered. He sniffed and lifted his beer, sipped at it while gazing in the direction of the darts’ match.

Donnie agreed. We’re fighting again, he muttered. Then he rose and added, I’m away for a pish out the road!

There was a brief silence. John turned to Tammas: Ever thought about emigrating?

Emigrating? Course.

Whereabouts?

Any fucking place!

Naw it’s just . . . John shrugged. An auld guy in the work, he was saying you dont need to pay if you’re under 21 years of age.

John! Billy was shaking his head at him: I keep telling you man that’s a load of fucking rubbish.

How do you know?

How do I know!

For one thing, said Rab, Donnie would’ve told us, cause his da would’ve fucking found out right at the beginning.

Aye but you’re talking about New Zealand.

Australia or New Zealand ya cunt it doesnt matter.

Doesnt matter! Australia or New Zealand!

No for this it doesnt.

What! You trying to say it’s the same thing? Australia or New Zealand?

Course I’m no trying to fucking say it’s the same fucking thing! Rab gazed at the ceiling and cried: Aw Jesus!

Well it’s two different countries man.

Tammas nodded. He’s got a point but, the John fellow, Australia and New Zealand man – two different countries! I mean he’s right enough.

Rab and Billy laughed. And Billy added. He still doesnt want to go – Donnie.

Ah he’s off his head, I’d go in a minute.

Rab swivelled on his seat, seeing Donnie coming from the
gents
, and he called: Hey Donnie, this cunt says you’re off your head!

What have I done now?

New Zealand!

Fuck New Zealand! If they send over Ibrox Park I might consider it.

Billy grinned and jerked his thumb at John: This yin’s trying to tell us New Zealand and Australia’s the same fucking country.

It’s no, said Donnie.

Bastards, grunted John, lifting his pint and swallowing a big mouthful. Then he said to Tammas, If you’re really interested man I’m thinking of sending away for the details . . .

I thought you were wanting to go to London! laughed Billy.

John looked at him.

Sorry!

Aye well no wonder – you cant get fucking talking in this place!

I agree, said Donnie, give the boy a break for fuck sake.

Hey . . . Tammas exhaled smoke and sat forwards, leaning an elbow on the edge of the table. A suggestion!

Aw naw! cried Rab.

Serious. Tammas sniffed before continuing: Mind that club place I was telling yous about? Where they played cards and that?

Ho! Rab shook his head.

Naw wait a minute . . .

Ho! Rab was pushing his chair back the way and standing to his feet, and he placed one hand on Donnie’s shoulder and the other on Billy’s, and bending slightly he whispered loudly:
Dont listen to one word the cunt says cause it’ll fucking cost you! He laughed and strode off in the direction of the
gents
.

Is it that casino you’re talking about? asked John.

Aye I mean Christ . . . Tammas shrugged: I was just wondering if anybody’d fancy giving it a go.

John nodded.

If I had a couple of quid . . . Billy shook his head.

Actually man you dont need that much.

You need more than I’ve got Tammas. Anyhow, they’re all fucking sharks in places like that!

Ach away.

You kidding!

Naw for fuck sake Billy they’re just ordinary.

Aw aye, ordinary!

Ordinary, aye.

Well that’s no what I’ve heard man – lucky to get walking out alive if you win a few bob!

Dont be silly.

I’m no fucking being silly.

John nodded. I could believe it Tammas.

Ah rubbish! I saw guys walking out when I was there.

Donnie glanced at him. I didnt know you’d actually been inside the place.

Aye. Tammas sniffed.

Billy said, But did you see them walking out winning a lot of dough? And I’m talking about going down the stairs and right out the fucking close.

Billy, the place isnt up a fucking close.

You know what I mean.

I dont, I dont know what you mean at all.

Tch! Billy shook his head and he looked away.

And after a moment’s silence John said, It’d be okay but if a few of us went the gether I mean, if we were team handed and that, we’d be okay.

Aye John . . . Donnie raised his eyebrows and lifted his pint.

Tammas laughed.

I’m being serious but, replied John. The kind of guys go about these clubs man they probably carry shooters and all that!

That’s shite.

It might not be, said Billy.

Tammas frowned at him.

Naw I mean I wouldnt be too sure.

Ach away for fuck sake Billy.

Naw Tammas . . .

Shooters!

Shooters! What’s this, shooters? Rab laughed as he sat back down on his chair. I cant leave yous for a minute for Christ sake shooters! What’re yous fucking on about now?
Shooters!

Ask them, said Tammas.

Donnie grinned. Tammas is wanting to go to a casino.

I’m no wanting to go to a fucking casino man it’s a club, just a fucking club, where they play cards.

A gambling club . . . Rab nodded. Tammas ya bastard if you can afford to go to a fucking gambling club you can afford to weigh us in with a bit fucking more of your Blackpool money.

Exactly! shouted Billy.

Fuck off, muttered Tammas. He stood up and looked about the table, then finished the remainder of his beer. I’m away to buy myself a pint before I die of thirst.

Rain was drizzling down when they came out of the pub, heading along in the direction of Billy’s place. They had chipped in for a carry out of beer which John was
holding. As they passed a side street Donnie halted, he sniffed aloud. Chips!

Billy cried: Donnie, I keep telling you, my maw’ll stick us on a big pot of soup.

Aye, aye, so what, I’ll no stop her! Donnie grinned and made to walk off round the corner. Sure none of yous’re interested?

Naw, said Rab, you’re the only one as usual ya greedy bastard!

Donnie laughed, patted himself on the belly; he disappeared round the corner. Farther along they paused by a shop window; the interior lights were on to display the goods. John placed the
carrier bag of beer on the ground inside the shop doorway and stood with it balanced upright between his feet. It’s that big belly he’s got . . . Donnie I mean, he’s got more to
fill than us.

Billy nodded. He’s putting the weight on.

It’s just the bevy, said Tammas. But fair enough, he has slowed down hell of a lot. I noticed that this afternoon at the football.

Ach he was always slow, said Rab. He turned and cleared his throat and spat out into the street.

Still a good player.

Aye but too slow, just too fucking slow . . . Rab put his hands into his trouser pockets and stepped sideways, leaning against the shop window with his shoulder.

After a moment John said: What soup is it?

What soup is it? How the fuck do I know! Billy grinned and shook his head.

Well I hope it’s no minestrone. All these wee bits of stuff floating about.

Rab said, You’re a dickie ya cunt ye!

Ah well you dont fucking know what you’re eating man that’s what I dont like.

You’re thinking of curry, said Tammas.

Thinking of curry! Billy roared.

Tammas laughed and he made a move as though to punch Billy; then they both crouched to face each other, fists raised.

Seconds away!

Tammas and Billy circled each other.

Hey yous!

Two policemen were standing on the other side of the street. They stepped off the pavement and strolled across. One of them said to Tammas: What’s up then?

Eventually Tammas replied, Nothing.

What d’you mean nothing?

We were just kidding.

Just kidding?

Aye, said Billy, honest.

Tammas added, We’re waiting on somebody.

The policeman glanced at his companion: They’re waiting on somebody.

Mmm . . . The other policeman nodded.

Honest, said Tammas, he’s just round the corner for a bag of chips man he’ll no be a minute.

Bag of chips man he’ll no be a minute. The first policeman smiled at Tammas: What is that? a bag of chips man . . . Heh, he said to the other policeman, d’you know what that is? a
bag of chips man. What is it, is it the same as a black pudding?

The other policeman smiled and then he gazed at the carrier bag, and looked at John. John lifted the carrier bag and handed it over to him. The policeman gazed inside; he moved the cans about.
When he handed it back to John he said, On your way.

But the mate’ll be here in a minute, replied Tammas.

On your way I said, move!

He’s just round the corner in the bloody chip shop! cried Rab.

What . . . what was that? The first policeman frowned and he stepped closer to Rab. What was that? What d’you say there? I never really heard you right son what was it?

Rab looked away.

Naw I thought you might’ve swore there son but I’m no sure. Did you I mean? Did you swear?