Read A Company of Heroes Book One: The Stonecutter Online
Authors: Ron Miller
A Company of Heroes Book One: The Stonecutter (34 page)
GENEOLOGY OF PRINCESS BRONWYN
THE HISTORY OF TAMLAGHT
Reproduced in part from Tamlaght: Its Romance & History with permission of the publisher, the Royal Commission for Tourism, Topiary and Tung Oil Control, and its authors, Johann Luigi Mogliarski, Minister of Schist, Janos Bujold-Bujold, Subsecretary for Gnomon Control and R. Ampersand Molnar, Curator of the Blavek Museum of Linoleum Arts.
CHRONOLOGY OF MAJOR EVENTS
15,207 BPE
‘Before Present Epoch)—At 2:15 in the afternoon on the 123rd day of this year the last Great Ice Age ends.
3211 BPE
—First human presence on the island of Guesclin.
3210 BPE
—First humans leave Guesclin.
1517 NSC
‘New Standard Calendar)—Shahalzin Pordka invades Guesclin.
1518 NSC
—Shalhalzin Pordka declares himself Shahalzin I.
1832 NSC
—Burtlo Tedeschiiy of Londeac invades Guesclin, defeating Shahalzin VII ‘Shahalzin the Unready) at the battle of Wokking Stump.
1873 NSC
—Burtlo II declares the Church of Musrum the state religion of Guesclin.
112 RMC
‘Revised Musrumic Calendar)—Civil war erupts over the cost of postage stamps with the result that Guesclin is divided into three independent nations: Tamlaght, Crotoy and Fezzara.
323 RMC
—The Purple Death ravages Tamlaght. It is attributed to itinerant pine cone salesmen who are cruelly snubbed.
324 RMC
—Collapse of the pine cone industry throws Tamlaght into an economic depression.
437 RMC
—Tamlaght becomes an independent nation.
416 RMC
—Yasaloff Parazoo is boiled in oil, with just a touch of basil, as a heretic.
1332 NMC
‘New Musrum Calendar)—Accession of Rudnek the Obese and the onset of the Great Famine of 1332 ‘NMC).
1480 NMC
—Maria Theresa the Albino takes the throne.
1654 NRMC
‘New Revised Musrumic Calendar)—Arrival of first tourist in Tamlaght. Although he thought he was in Fezzara, a commemorative monument now stands in Blavek’s Shahalzin Pordka Park.
1712 NRMC
—National Morality and Antiprurience Code established by the Church and ratified by Wittner III ‘Wittner the Acquiescent). A National Dress Standard dictates a minimum of 14 yards of opaque fabric ‘12 gage on the Fludny Opacity Scale) be used in all women’s costumes.
1716 NRMC
—Second tourist arrives in Tamlaght.
1911 NRMC
—Minor insurrection against the Tedeschiiy government by the League of the Blue Earlobe. Civil war is only narrowly averted when the League discovers that it thought it was in Fezzara.
1000 SC
‘St. Slikknarian Calendar)—The Great Storm devastates the northern coasts of Guesclin and Soccotara.
1010 SC
—Major schist deposits discovered in the Toth-Molnar Mts.
1015 SC
—Budras II ascends the throne.
1016 SC
—Budras II marries Princess Ophinia of Londeac.
ca.1021 SC
—Thud Mollockle exchanged for the human baby later named Gyven.
1032 SC
—Payne Roelt born.
1033 SC
—Prince Ferenc Tedeschiiy born.
ca. 1035 SC
—Rykkla Woxen born.
1035 SC
—Princess Bronwyn Tedeschiiy born. Queen Ophinia dies in a kiln explosion.
1055 SC
—Siege of Blavek. Princess Bronwyn abdicates the throne.
1057 SC
—Princess Bronwyn travels to the Small Moon with Professor Wimner Wittenoom.
877 AC
‘Academy Calender)—Judikha J. Judikha born, Rykkla Woxen’s only living descendant.
897 AC
—Captain Judikha takes up space piracy.
—from
The Encyclopædia Bronwyniana,
with permission.
THE CHURCH OF MUSRUM
Tamlaght is the last bastion of Musrumism, which it assiduously maintains in its most fundamental form. The theology is not particularly complex, being devoted primarily to the absolute proscription of sex, copulation, fornication, sexuality, sensuality, eroticism, allurement, laciviousness, pornography, craving, desire, pleasure, intellectualism, creativity, imagination, carnality, lust, free will, free thought, free love, love, lovemaking, flirting, sexiness, libido, voluptuousness, fleshliness, animal magnetism, perversions, biological urges, pruriency, concupiscence, aphrodisia, libidiousness, lustfulness, desires of the flesh, indecency, erotomania, eromania, satyrism, satyriasis, gynecomania, polymorphous perversity, coitus, intercourse, cohabitation, lechery, nudity, carnal knowledge, orgasms, sexual climaxes, adultery, coitus interruptus, onanism, autoeroticism, self-abuse, oral-genital stimulation, fellatio, cunnilingus, irrumation, sodomy, bestiality, pederasty, heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, amphieroticism, lesbianism, sapphism, tribadism, whistling, singing, paraphilia, zoophilia, zooerastia, algolagny, sadomasochism, fetishism, narcissism, exhibitionism, necrophilia, coprophilia, scotophilia, voyeurism, transvestism, incest, taking baths without blindfolds, androgyny, hermaphroditism, gynandry, transexuality, pseudohermaphroditism, homophilia, any exposure of the legs above the ankles, genitalia, pudenda, reproductive organs, privy parts, gonads, testicles, cullions, spermary, scrotums, vulvae, clitora, labias ‘majora or minora), buttocks, belly buttons, nymphae, pubic hair, breasts, nipples or aureolae. All to say nothing of fun, amusement, diversions, recreation, play, sports, games, fiction, popular magazines, festivities, jollity, conviviality, mafficking, revelry, larking about, galas, high jinks, carnivals, fairs, frolicking, celebrating, frisking, romping, gamboling, binging, drinking of alcoholic or stimulating beverages, debauching, leering, orgying, carousing, making goo goo eyes, gymnastics, acrobatics, agonistics, games, dancing, cabarets, nightclubs, roadhouses, taverns, bars, dance halls, casinos, amusement parks, resorts, parks, merry-go-rounds, carousels, teeter-totters, smiling, laughing, jokes, puns, tall tales, fairy tales, toys, baubles, gewgaws, knickknacks, gimcracks, whim-whams, trinkets, the colors red, yellow, blue, green, orange and violet, heavy breathing, card-playing, athleticism, amusements, entertainments, delight, good humor, making merry, titillation, tickling, touching another person anywhere below their chin, gaeity, rompishness, capering, humor, funniness, drollness, comicality, hilarity, absurdness, wit, farce, pleasantry, spicy stories, parody, lampoon, slapstick, cleverness, waggishness, sportiveness, prankishness, saltiness, practical jokes, trickery, roguishness, whimsicality, clowning, clowns, circusses, tomfoolery, horseplay, jests, gags, double entendres, blue stories, belly laughs, giggles, quips, aphorisms, smart repartee, slang, paronomasia, palindromes, spoonerisms, antics, risibility, spicy foods, comedians, satirists, irony, burlesque, mocking, scoffing, jocularity, cheefulness, blithsomeness, bouyancy, hope, jauntiness, vivacity, chirpiness, geniality, brightness, radiance, gladness, animal spirits, friskiness, merriment, brilliance, intelligence, education, intellectuality, doubt, skepticism, scholarship, pedantism, creativity, art, polymathy, science, technology, electricity, mathematics, poetry, etching, architecture, photography, mezzotints, serigraphs, gum chewing, philosophy, contemplation, meditation and speaking ill of the clergy.
—from
The Encyclopædia Bronwyniana,
with permission.
