A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (14 page)

If you catch yourself in the “who started it” game, you have distracted yourself from the real investigation. Although we’ve all probably done it, this kind of finger-pointing technique is just another form of playing musical chairs with no chair for a winner—everyone loses. If you or your partner catch yourselves in the “who started it” or “who is at fault” game, then you have a clue that you are probably caught in a cycle of shame and blame. When you experience shame, you may find yourself trying to get the shame away from you by making it the other’s fault. More than likely, your partner has indeed done something that has caused your internal shame mechanism to flare.

Another Visit to Jeannine and Jay

Jeannine and Jay (whom you met at the beginning of
Chapter 1
) could not seem to unravel their major fights over what seemed to be, even to them, minor matters. You may recall that they noticed they were irritated with each other much of the time. Jay was finally able to admit to Jeannine that he had been masturbating while looking at porn almost every night at his office. He and Jeannine both felt relief that what had previously been a secret was now out in the open.

However, Jeannine and Jay also recognized that they needed to find out what was causing their ongoing irritation with each other and how that might be playing into Jay’s attempts to escape into the world of porn. They both understood how important it was to uncover their own motivations in this story that was heading for a very unhappy ending. They saw that in order to address the sexual compulsivity issues inside their relationship, they needed to understand their blame and shame dynamics. Jay had agreed to stop looking at the porn, but he was very aware that his desire to stop was not enough. They both knew they needed to find a way to address the lack of closeness that was manifesting as bickering over what seemed to be minor matters.

They were able to identify that the fight that really seemed to have a life of its own was an ongoing disagreement about the kitchen sink sponge. Jeannine would become irritated that Jay would not remember to squeeze out the sponge when he used it and place it on the edge of the sink. For Jay, it didn’t make any sense that he could not simply leave the sponge in the bottom of the sink where it would be ready for use the next time. Even when he did try to remember to squeeze out the sponge, he didn’t seem to be able to squeeze it in a way that was satisfactory to Jeannine. He felt Jeannine was being overly critical and uptight about a matter that he viewed as trivial. He felt that she was just picking on him.

Each one of them blamed the other for the problem, but ultimately, they were able to find the underlying motivations that were contributing to this particular disagreement and humorously label this ongoing fight “the saga of the sponge.” How did they get there?

Let’s start by looking at this through Jay’s eyes. First, he was able to recognize what he was feeling when it seemed that Jean-nine was “going after him” about the sponge. He was able to see that he was instantly being transported into the land of imperfection, which he connected with being flawed, or inherently bad. He saw how much he really wanted to please Jeannine so he could maintain his sense of perfection and then not have to experience his wounded inherent feeling of badness. He saw how he felt he could not tolerate making a mistake in Jeannine’s eyes because if he did make a mistake, he instantly experienced not being extraordinary, not being perfect—that he was inherently bad.

This experience of imperfection happened instantly, faster than his thinking mind could register. So, he instinctively and reflexively pushed his feeling of being bad (shame) away. He wanted to make this bad feeling Jeannine’s fault: “If she would just stop nagging me about the sponge, then I wouldn’t feel angry. Everything would be fine.” He began to be able to recognize that when he felt this being bad/shame reaction, he instantly felt angry and wanted to yell at Jeannine. Then he began to be able to see that all the yelling in the world was not going to heal his internal sense of being bad. This is where his internal compassion began to come into play.

He began to be able to recognize that the urge to yell at Jean-nine could be a signal that what he really wanted (and needed) was to finally give some comfort to his sense of inherent badness. He was able to see how he had internalized the messages from his childhood about how stupid, selfish, and overly sensitive he was. He began to be able to see that his internal sense of being bad, his shame, had been put into place long ago. Jeannine was unwittingly creating a shame storm in Jay when she had her own impulsive negative reaction whenever she found the wet sponge sitting in the bottom of the sink one more time.

A breakthrough came for Jay one afternoon when Jeannine once again glared at him while she was holding the dripping sponge in her hand. Somehow, in that moment when he felt himself wanting to tell Jeannine off for once again being such a nag, he was able to stop for an instant and notice how Jeannine’s disapproving look had sent him into a shame attack. He recognized his own impulse to attack with his angry words. But this time, instead of following that impulse, he was able to not follow the impulse to protect himself by striking out like a cornered animal. He felt himself wanting to protect in that way, but instead, taking what felt like a huge risk, he was able to say, “I feel like defending myself now, but I realize that I’m really feeling like I’m bad.” He showed tremendous courage. His capacity for vulnerability stopped the usual argument right in its tracks.

Jeannine was also ultimately able to recognize her own part in “the saga of the sponge” dance. She began to see that whenever she saw the sponge sitting there in the sink, she was certain that Jay did not love her and, even closer to the core of her being, she felt that she was unlovable. Beneath what she viewed as Jay’s disregard for her wishes around the sponge was a direct connection to her own sense of worthlessness. When Jay overlooked another of her requests around the house, Jeannine was able to notice her own familiar sense of being inherently unlovable. She, like Jay, was able to see that she had fallen into her own pit of shame, and that her reflex was to demand that Jay change his behavior. As each of them was more able to respond vulnerably when they felt hurt by the other, their intimacy began to grow.

This is not to say that in relationships we cannot ask each other to make alterations. Jay and Jeannine finally realized that Jeannine could request that the sponge get squeezed out. Now, most of the time, Jay remembers, understanding that this is an act of kindness for Jeannine. The sponge squeezing (or not) had to be liberated from the “I am bad” and “I am worthless and unlovable” stories of shame.

Liberation from Shame

At the end of the day, your liberation from shame must come from inside. This is an act of obtaining freedom. The steps toward that freedom cannot be taken by someone else, by waving a wand, or by some other kind of magic. They must be taken by you and you alone.

The balm you truly seek and need ultimately must be applied by compassion and tenderness for yourself—for the part of you that is still siding with the “I am bad” conclusion. This does not mean that your partner, your friends, your loved ones, even a stranger on the street cannot be a support to you in the meeting of your shame. We need each other. Our love and support for one another actually helps each of us take the internal leap into compassion. You, too, can finally begin to see that you do not have to destroy or obliterate your shame. In fact, you can’t. However, your compassion has room for your shame; it encompasses it.

No one else can hold your shame compassionately for you. Even if your partner or someone else were able to say exactly what you think you want to hear, could tell you exactly the thing you think will erase your shame, the self-hatred you carry around will still be with you. You can’t take someone else’s shame away, no matter how much you care for them. What we can each do for one another is to hold a space of vulnerability and compassion (as much as possible) so the other can open their own heart of vulnerability and compassion.

When you are in the midst of a shame attack, sometimes you can find outside support, and sometimes not. When you can, it is a blessing. And when you can’t, it can be a blessing as well. Finally, you can see that you actually have the capacity to compassionately welcome the bad, dark, unacceptable, and flawed beliefs you hold. You can vulnerably, tenderly, and lovingly hold the parts of you that you have concluded are unworthy of acceptance and belonging. You can begin to choose not to align with the domestication messages of “I am bad.” Even if those aspects continue to feel unworthy of acceptance and belonging, you can hold the experience of unworthiness and unacceptability in the container of your vulnerable compassion. Once we are no longer children, the balm we long for does not ultimately come from the outside, but arises in our own vulnerability and compassion.

We cannot protect our partners from the pain of unworthiness and unacceptability, nor can they protect us. In relationships, we will inevitably do things big and small that cause our partner to spin into the grip of shame. When that happens, the potential is that we can be a witness, an example, and an inspiration for each other. Our leap into vulnerability, into compassion, is an inside job.

Exercise: Taking the Road Less Traveled

Set aside twenty to thirty minutes and find a spot where you can be alone and undisturbed. When you are ready to begin, think back to a recent time when your partner did or said something that was upsetting to you, that hurt you, or that annoyed you, a time when what your partner did and/or said caused you to feel something you did not want to feel. You may be thinking, “If my partner would just stop doing ______________________________, then I would not have to feel ______________________________.” If that is what you are thinking, great. You are on the right track. The feeling that you do not want to be experiencing is likely to be the doorway to your path to shame.

For this exercise, we would like you to become very interested in how shame works inside of your system. Like a scientist performing an experiment, take your particular incident and play it over in your mind the way you might watch a movie. Recall the ways this plotline causes you to feel deficient. Again, just as an experiment, actually allow the story to send you down your road of shame. You may experience the belief that you are inherently bad or worthless or unredeemable or evil or defective or useless or broken or any other sort of deficiency that is the driver of your particular message of shame. As much as you can, go ahead and let yourself experience the full force of the shame.

Next, while imagining that you are the star of this movie of shame, see yourself taking full responsibility for whatever has occurred. You will never have to admit to another human being that you are taking this responsibility, but in this movie, you can. You have super powers of responsibility taking. In real life, you may have been afraid to take responsibility because you experience an internal imperative to avoid feeling that you are bad or worthless or unredeemable or evil or defective or useless or broken. But in this movie, with your super powers, you are able to see that although you have done something that you or someone else did not like, something that was off the mark, that was deficient, that could have been done oh-so-much better, you are not inherently flawed. You are simply imperfect.

Now, in this movie, you are able to experience your lack of perfection compassionately; you are able to allow yourself to suffer with your lack of perfection. Your heart is big enough to hold your imperfection. You may deeply regret a mistake, an action you have taken, but you are aware of your heart of compassion that does not require perfection. Deeply breathe into this cave of compassion that is a part of who you really are. You are always welcome here. Take as much time as you need before you move back into the normal activities of the rest of your day.

If at some point you would like to share your experience of this exercise with your partner, feel free to do so. It is not required, nor is your partner required to share his or her experience with you. The visit down this road of forgiveness, this road of compassion, this road less traveled, is for you.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• The dynamics of shame and blame tend to be highly activated for both partners during the discovery, disclosure, and/ or unraveling of one of the partner’s acting out in a sexually compulsive way.

• Shame arises when you mistakenly associate unacceptable or “bad” with who you are inherently rather than simply with your actions. Internally, you have learned to believe you are a mistake.

• Blame is a familiar and handy tool for attempting to get rid of shame. It is easy to make the mistake (particularly with your intimate partner) of assuming that if you can just get him or her to stop doing whatever is annoying to you, then you will not have to feel the discomfort of shame.

• The antidote to shame is compassion for yourself first. Compassion arises when you allow yourself to be undefended, to be vulnerable, when you allow yourself to make friends with the uncomfortable feeling you are having.

• Your liberation from shame comes from inside. The balm you truly seek and need ultimately must be applied by compassion and tenderness for yourself—for the part of you that is siding with the “I am bad” conclusion.

Looking Forward