A Cowboy for Mom (5 page)

Monica just stood there. She could kill Carrie.
Holy
shit, I’m ready to die. This isn’t possible. It really isn’t. My daughter did not
just say that, did she?

Chapter Four

Carson
sat there staring after Carrie for a long time before his
eyes finally moved to her face. He had a look on his face somewhere between
confused, stunned, and absolutely unsure. Standing, he held his Stetson down by
his leg as he stared at her, a look of concentration coming over his face as he
appeared be trying to resolve some inner turmoil.

“What did she mean by all that?” he finally said, his voice
hesitant and rough, like he’d had to force the words out.

“Are you really sure you want to know?” Monica asked
quietly. When he nodded, she swallowed hard. “You might want to sit down
again.” When they were both settled, she sighed. “My name isn’t Monica. Carrie
was named for her father. For you,” she whispered. “I came to
Beverly
when I found out I was pregnant. I
didn’t know about the accident. I had called and she met me instead of you. I
had talked to you on the phone but when she showed up I was shocked.” She had
her hands between her knees and she had her head down. “My real name is
Jennifer. Jennifer MacElroy. I haven’t seen you in years. And yes, Carrie is
yours.”

There was absolutely no sound from him, just the sound of
the horses moving about in the stalls, the soft occasional whinny breaking the
silence. When she finally looked up he was staring at her, with his mouth
hanging open and a stunned expression on his face. Meeting his gaze, his mouth
snapped closed and he stood up. Without a word he walked out of the barn, the
door vibrating from the force he’d used to push it open.

By the time she was about to move and go back to the house,
he was back and glaring at her. He started to speak but then stopped, his eyes
moving to the horses who were stirring restlessly. With a jerky motion, he
signalled her out of the barn, the impatience vibrating off of him as he waited
for her.

She approached him. “What? As I said, I was told just
exactly what you thought about me. Your sister didn’t hesitate to tell me
everything. She said that you were out with Maxine Jamison, and when I called,
Max even said that you and she were together and to get a life.
So yeah.”
She shrugged. She had no idea what else to tell
him. She didn’t even know about his accident until tonight.
Beverly
had certainly pulled the wool over
her eyes.

Carson
shut the door to the barn, snagged her arm at the elbow,
and drew her away from it. “First, believing anything Maxine Jamison had to say
is beyond idiotic. Second, why would you believe anything my sister would say
without actually talking to me?
Third, what the fuck!”
He stared at her.

Turning, he paced a few feet away before spinning back
around. “You have always known that
me
and my sister
never saw eye to eye on anything.
Her life dream, to marry
wealth and get the fuck out of here.
So…” He spun around again and paced
away. Shaking his head, he tipped it back so his face was to the sky. “Why even
bother telling me now?” he asked, his voice sounding defeated and worn down.
Looking to her, he waved a hand. “I’m more than sure you could have made
something up and I likely would have believed you. Why tell me the truth, now
after all this time has passed?”

“Because it’s clear that child wants to know her father.”
Rising from where he had all but pushed her to sit, she got into his face.
“Hate me all that you want, Carson MacDonald, but if you don’t want to know her,
then let me know now so that I can do whatever I can in order to save her that
pain. All of her life she’s been told that you are an amazing man, that it was
my choice to leave you, even though I left because I thought
you
wanted
nothing to do with
me
. I believed her because you never truly told me
the depth of the hate that you and Bev have between each other. So don’t even
start with me.”

His face turned sad then and he looked away. “How could you
ever believe I didn’t want to see you?” he asked quietly. “Even if it was Bev
saying it, how could you honestly have believed that, Jen?” He turned to face
her. He looked so hurt in that moment, so pained that she didn’t know what to
say to make it better.

“You might not remember it, but the last night that we were
together you were pissed off at me. Your parting words to me were that you
didn’t want to see me ever again. I don’t even recall what it was that we
fought about, but we did fight. You dropped me off at my place and told me that
I was no better than my mother, who you knew I hated.” She shrugged. “You
didn’t call me or return my calls for weeks. Then I found out I was pregnant,
called you, and told you that we needed to talk, and you grudgingly said yes,
you would meet me. Then, after that I went to meet you and well, I told you the
rest earlier.”

He was frowning, strain clear on his face as he slowly
shook his head. “I don’t remember any of that,” he murmured. Meeting her eyes,
he blinked. “I’m
sorry,
I don’t remember any of that.
The last thing before the accident that I clearly remember was the two of us at
a party, dancing together. The rest of it is a little vague but I remember that
clearly. It was my first thought when I woke up, you in my arms as we danced to
some sappy tune. I’m sorry,” he whispered, a look of utter and complete defeat
sliding over his face.

“That was it. Robby Sugar goosed my ass and instead of
telling you about it, I let it slide. After the dance someone told you and then
you came to me and said that I was sleeping with him. After all, I gave it up
to you so easi
,,
why wouldn’t
 
I to someone else? You said you didn’t want to
see me again because you didn’t want to get a disease.” Because she hadn’t
asked
Carson
to
use a condom with her being on birth control so he assumed that the fictional
lovers she had weren’t using them either. “That was the fight.”

“Fuck me,” he breathed out, looking horrified. Shaking his
head, he frowned and then sighed after several long minutes. “I honestly don’t
remember it, Jen. I’m sorry, I wish I could so it would actually sound sincere,
but the doctors said if I didn’t have it back by now, the likelihood was that I
never would get the memories back. Why would you come here, knowing all that?
Why come anywhere near me if you thought so little of me?”

She shrugged.
“Really?”
She shook
her head and stood. “If I thought so little of you, I never would have told
that child a damn thing about her father. If I thought so little of you, I
wouldn’t have named her after you and your momma, and if I thought so little
for you, I sure as hell wouldn’t let that girl think that I was the one who
broke your heart so that I could have my career.” She was shouting, but
seriously?

He stepped back each time her voice rose so that he was a
good five feet away from her when she finished. He also looked like he didn’t
know what to say to any of that. His mouth was moving but nothing was coming
out. He likely figured anything he did say was just going to be tossed back in
his face about the time he shut his mouth, if the wary expression was anything
to go by.

“Get to know your daughter, Carson. You have the two weeks
we are here. I think she needs to get to know you.” Jennifer’s voice was
deflated, her spirit broken. “It’s pretty clear who thought so little of
who
.” She shrugged. “And the only reason that I’m here is
because I couldn’t get out of it. However, the simple truth is that you needed
to get to know her, and I think that this was the universe’s way of ensuring
that happened. Don’t worry,
Carson
,
I will make sure to stay clear of you. Heaven only knows, I wouldn’t want to
upend your life.”

“I tried to find you,” he said. “I called everyone I knew
trying to find you. I didn’t buy Bev’s story of you running off with someone
else. I tried to find you for three years, Jen. Three years,” he said. “You’d
vanished as far as I could tell. For a guy who was struggling to relearn
everything we all learned as kids, and support his family’s livelihood while
paying for hospital bills on the side, that is a long fucking time. All I
wanted was you there with me, each and every day. And you weren’t. Now I know
why, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. Obviously, this was
all my
fault and I’ll take full blame. And obviously you
never really wanted to be here either, again
my
fault, for having a
lawyer that knows what he’s doing. I’ll find a way to dissolve the contract,
letting you all out of it since it’s what you really would have preferred in
the first place.”

“Whatever. Do what you want,
Carson
. I’m too tired to argue,” she said
very softly. “You know…” She walked away from him and toward the house. Looking
back at him, she said, “Do you know for fifteen years I’ve loved you. Even
before that. I think that I’ve loved you since I was six but that was never
enough, was it?” She hesitated. “I was never enough, was I?”

“You don’t get it,” he said behind her. “I never fucking
stopped loving you!” he yelled back at her. “You ripped my fucking heart out
when you vanished, and just when I think I might be able to live without you in
my life, you come wandering back in. Fuck it, do what you want, Jen, you always
have and you always will. After all, look out for number one, right?” She heard
the crunch of gravel and knew he was walking away from her.

She shook her head and sighed. “Yeah, but my number one is
our daughter.” Her heart broke all over again. It was the exact same feeling she
had when Bev told her to take a hike, just this time it was him telling her to
get out of his life.
Yep, wonderful.

Sadness dragged at her as she walked into the house and
pulled out her suitcase. “Come on, Care, we are leaving.” She didn’t give a
good hot damn what the studio did to her at this point in time.
Couldn’t be worse than she felt at the moment.

Carrie looked at her mom, frowned, and sighed. “This is
crazy. You are in love with him and he broke your heart again, didn’t he?” She
shook her head and put the things she had pulled out back into her backpack.
“Fine.
Let’s get out of here. I thought it might be
different, but obviously I was wrong. He’s just as much an ass as I thought he
was.”

She paused and shook her head. “No, Carrie, that’s not who
he is. He’s not an ass. He is your father. He’s a good man who got the short
end of the stick. You are never to talk about him like that. This is all on me,
not him.” Again she was taking the blame for everything. “So lose it, little
lady. Later I will have my attorney get in touch with him, and they can work
out a schedule so that you can get to know him. He’s a good man, and he is your
father.” She turned her back once more and finished packing. “Now then, you
ready?” At her daughter’s nod, she smiled and gave her a hug. “Come on, little
love, let’s go home.” Wrapping her arm around her daughter’s shoulders, she led
her out and toward the SUV.

“You’d best just shoot him now,” Esther said as they
stepped off the porch. “After the last time it would be less painful to watch
than to see him fall back into that hole again. Hell, I’ll even load the ammo
for you and point you to where he went so you can do it
quick
like.” She moved into the light from the spot she’d been in on the rocker.

“If you leave, don’t even bother contacting him again.
He’ll be so
broken,
it’ll just be like twisting the
knife, Jennifer MacElroy. Yeah,” she nodded when Jen jolted. “I knew who you
were from the moment you stepped foot on this property. But I thought I’d wait
and see how it played out. My mistake—thinking you’d actually grown up and
grown a spine in all that time, and a pair of eyes. That boy’s been hurting for
you for fifteen years, just like I think you have for him. Idiots, both of
you,” she said. Crossing her arms over her chest, she lifted her chin. “So,
should I load the Winchester for you, or are you going to get your head out of
your ass and get his screwed back on straight again?”

She shrugged and looked at Esther. “He’s made it clear he doesn’t
want me around. I think I should just take his word for it.” Jennifer was
pissed that yet another person was making this all her fault—again. “So I would
suggest that before you make him the martyr, you talk to him about what he
wants. Get in the car, Carrie.” she told her daughter.
“Time
to go home.”
She eyed Esther, and when her daughter was in the vehicle
she said, “He wants me gone, I’m gone. I suggest that you talk to him about
what he wants instead of putting the blame on me. I didn’t appreciate it then
and I don’t appreciate it now.”

“My God, are you truly that blind?” she asked. Shaking her
head, Esther suddenly looked exhausted. “Go, you’re going to do just what you
want to do, just as you did then, with the full knowledge of what your actions
will do. So go.”

“Esther, stop,” came
Carson
’s
voice, quietly from behind her. “This isn’t her fault so let it drop. She owes
me nothing and never has. I sent her running and I’ll have to live with that
knowledge until the day I die. Let her be,” he whispered. Then he stepped
around her and paused slightly. “Be happy, Jen. That’s all I ever wanted for
you,
be
happy and have a good life.” Stepping around
her, he trudged up the steps into the house past Esther, who looked ready to
cry.