A Cry For Hope (19 page)

It was the perfect day and, by nine o’clock, I could no longer keep my eyes open. I stood up from the outdoor fire pit and said my good nights to everyone. “You’re going to bed already?” my mom asked.

“Yeah, my drill sergeant overworked me today.”  I smiled over at Nick.

I walked into the house and changed into my pajamas. I lay in bed, feeling all of the loneliness beginning to creep back in again. Charlie’s face flashed in front of me, followed by Jamie’s as I closed my eyes. I hugged my pillow pretending that it was them, pretending that I was home in my own bed with Jamie lying beside me, while Charlie was sleeping in the next bedroom… the way that it used to be not so long ago.

I sat up gasping for air as I looked around, making sure that it was just a dream. I shuttered at the mere thought of it. I was under water, screaming for Charlie as the waves relentlessly hit me in the face. I struggled to come up for air, but something kept pulling me under. It seemed so real that I could taste the saltwater on my lips. I quickly realized that it was from my tears as I wiped away the moisture on my cheek. I grabbed my cell phone from the nightstand and looked at the time: 3:20 a.m.
 
I got up from bed and threw on my flip flops and sweat jacket. I quietly walked outside to the dock and took a seat on one of the lounge chairs. Tears rolled down my face as I wrapped my jacket tightly around me and stared out at the lake.
When are the nightmares going to end? When am I going to begin to feel whole again?

“Hope?” I jumped at the sound of Nick’s voice. “What are you doing out here so late?”

“I’m thinking I should be asking you the same thing,” I said as I quickly wiped my face with the back of my hand.

“Insomnia,” he said.

“Bad dream,” I responded.

He sat down in the lounge chair next to me. We stared out at the water, listening to the crickets singing their beautiful lullaby. The full moon lit up the sky while the leaves on the trees gently swayed back and forth in the warm breeze.

“This has got to be one of the most peaceful places that I’ve ever been.” Nick nodded. “Thanks for talking me into coming,” I said.

“No, thank you for agreeing to come.” He smiled.

“This lake is really something. My Charlie would have had a blast -.” I stopped myself and began to choke up at the mention of his name.

Nick took my hand and looked at me. “It’s okay to talk about him, Hope. Really, it is.  I want to hear about him. Tell me about your little boy.”

I took a deep breath and looked straight ahead. I swallowed hard and began to speak. “He was -.” I paused as I choked back a tear. “He was my world. He loved to swim. I called him ‘my little merman’.” I looked at Nick and managed a smile. We were having such a great day at the beach that day, just like we always did.  I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I should have never let him -.” I couldn’t control the sob that escaped my throat.

“What happened, Hope? You can tell me.” I took a deep breath, looked out at the water, then back at Nick. The memory of that horrible day came to the forefront of my mind as I told him every agonizing detail…

It was a warm August day and the ocean was filled with people. I moved my chair as close as possible to the water. Charlie went in to just where the waves were breaking and I kept a close eye on him, knowing that the rip currents were bad. I smiled, watching the enjoyment that he got from swimming in the ocean. He ran back out to grab his boogie board.

“Hey, you should come in. The water’s really warm,” he said. The water was beading off his hair and dripping into his ice blue eyes.

“Nah, I’m water-logged for the day and you should be, too.”

“Five more minutes? Pleeeease?” he begged.

“Okay, fine! But that’s it. We got to get home so I can start making dinner.”

“Cool!”

He began to run off. “Hey, Char! Come here!”

He ran back and looked at me questionably. I tapped my index finger to my lips. He placed his wet lips on mine and kissed me.

“Thank you!” I shouted as he ran back into the water.

I dug through my beach bag for my ringing phone. I smiled when I saw that it was Jamie. “Hey, sexy, are you home from Atlanta?”

“Yup, I am, and I’m missing my beautiful wife and adorable son. Where are you guys?”

“Ummm….one guess.”

He began to laugh. The shrill sound of the lifeguard’s whistles pierced my ears. I immediately stood up from my chair, trying to locate Charlie in the water. Jamie continued to talk, but I wasn’t hearing a word. My stomach dropped and I began to break out in a cold sweat when I saw the green-and-black boogie board with the initials CM come washing up on the beach. My phone fell into the sand and my body went numb. Everything became a blur as I watched the lifeguards spring into action. This wasn’t happening. I ran into the water screaming Charlie’s name.

“Miss, we need everyone out of the water,” one of the lifeguards said.

“No, I need to get my son. We have to go home.” I couldn’t breathe and I could hear the panic in my own voice.

The lifeguard pulled me back as I continued to go in further. “Miss, please, let us do our job.” He looked at me sympathetically, somehow knowing that my little boy was the one that they were trying to rescue.
 

“That’s my little boy. He needs to come home with me now,” I said as I watched the other lifeguards pull his lifeless body from the water. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare as they performed CPR on his limp little body, trying to find some sign of life. My instincts began to kick in and, as much as I wanted to be wrong, I knew that my little boy was gone and never coming back. My entire body began to tremble. Everything went black and my entire world came crashing down in the blink of an eye.

I was hysterical by the time I was done recounting the details. Nick got up and sat next to me in my lounge chair. He wrapped his arms around my limp body and pulled me toward him. “I should have been there with him. He wanted me to go back in the water with him and I told    him -.”  I tried to catch my breath between sobs. “He was all alone. He was probably so scared, needing his mother and I wasn’t there.”  I couldn’t breathe and my entire body began to tremble as I thought about what must have been going through my little boy’s mind during those last terrifying minutes of his life.

Nick rubbed my back and tried his best to console me. “Take a deep breath, Hope. Calm down.” His voice was soft and soothing. He ran his thumb under my eye and wiped away the tears. “It’s okay. Don’t blame yourself. You loved your son and I’m sure he knew it.” His warm, soft lips touched my forehead, and I felt myself relaxing a bit when he pushed my hair behind my ear and gazed at me.

I rested my head on his chest, concentrating on his heartbeat. “Thank you, Nick,” I whispered, finally breaking the silence. “I never told anyone about that day, and I don’t think I will ever be able to tell anyone about it again.”

“You’re welcome.” I closed my eyes and a sense of calmness began to overtake me as the warm breeze kicked up and I sucked in the sweet smell of wisteria wafting through the air. I slowly opened my eyes and stared out at the moonlit lake, feeling as if I could face the world again. I had confronted the worst day of my life head on, something I never thought that I would be able to do, and I was so grateful to the man sitting beside me for allowing me to do so without judgment.

The hauntingly beautiful tune of the loons awoke me from my sleep. I lifted my head from Nick’s chest, realizing that we must have both fallen asleep. I laid my head back on his shoulder and watched the sky begin to light up   as the sun began to rise over the lake. It was truly one of the most breathtaking sights that I had ever seen. Tears began to form in my eyes. I felt as if I was witnessing a rebirth of my life and the new Hope, the one who had faced her biggest nightmare and survived. “Thank you, best buddy,” I whispered as I placed a tiny kiss on Nick’s chest, knowing that he was responsible for this and, if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.

He began to stir and I watched as he slowly opened his tired eyes. It amazed me how I was still able to see the little boy that I had known from so long ago. “Sleep well?” I teased.

He reached around and rubbed the small of his back, looking like he was in pain. “Wonderful,” he joked.

I sat up, allowing him to stretch out. “Would you like me to get you some coffee?” I asked.

“Nah, I can get it. Besides, I need to get up and stretch my back. I feel like I’m going to be walking like a caveman for days.” We both began to laugh.

We stood up and started heading back up to the house. I stopped him. “Thank you, Nick. I feel like I conquered something last night that months of therapy couldn’t do.”

He took my hands in his and looked down at me, placing a tender kiss on my forehead. “That’s what friends are for, Hope.”

I smiled up at him. “Yeah, and I’m lucky to have the best one there is.”

Nick, his dad, and my brother were spending the day fishing, while I was spending some quality “girl time” watching chick flicks, eating junk food, and having an absolute great time with my mom and Patty.  Patty went into the room to get the next movie from her bag. My mother looked over at me and smiled. “It’s so nice to see you laughing, Hope. It just makes my heart happy.”

I nodded. “Yeah, it makes me pretty happy, too.” Even if it was only temporary, it still felt good. I knew that once I returned back to reality, all of my woes would slowly start to creep back in but, for now, I was casting them aside and enjoying myself.

Two hours later, the credits to the movie
Beaches
scrolled on the TV and the tears rolled down all three of our faces. “It must be so wonderful to have a friend like that; you know, a soul mate,” Patty said as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

I smiled through my tears, thinking that I
did
have a friend like that.

The door opened and the “fishermen” came walking into the room. “Oh, my god. What movie were you watching?” my brother asked upon seeing the tears running down our faces.

“
Beaches
,” Patty said, sticking her tongue out at him.

“Did you catch dinner?” my mother asked. Nick and Bobby looked at each other, and began to laugh. “I’m taking that as a no.”

“That is a big fat no,” my brother said.

“Looks like we’re having pizza for dinner!” Nick’s dad said.

“Oh, I can cook us a nice dinner! It’s our last night here. We should have something special.”

“Pizza’s fine by me!” Bobby said.

“Me, too!” Patty and I both said in unison.

“You’re outnumbered, Mary!” Nick’s dad smiled, handing the pizza takeout menu to my mother.

“Okay, okay!” she said.

She placed the order and her, my brother, and Patty went to go pick it up. I popped the movie from the DVD player and put it back in the case. I read the back of the case and smiled, thinking about how much I loved that movie. “Did you have a good day?”