A Cry For Hope (30 page)

I looked around at the desolate beach and focused my attention on the unusual ocean-like waves kicking up in the moonlit bay. I couldn’t help but think how much those waves mirrored real life. Some would break just before they even had a chance to form. Others started out strong and lost their strength before reaching the shore. Then there were the ones that would start off as two, meeting somewhere in the middle and turning into one, combining their power to help the each other wash ashore.

I raked my hand through my hair and remained focused on the water. “Oh, Nick. I guess we always think that we have forever. You think I would have learned my lesson with that one. We don’t have forever. We’re only guaranteed the present. I would do anything to have you sitting here beside me, making me laugh and helping me through this.” I closed my eyes, feeling the stickiness of the warm salty mist on my face. “I wish that this was all a bad dream and you would come running by in your little ski cap and rescue me, just like you did that day on the beach three months ago.” I didn’t know which was worse…the burn in my eyes, the lump in my throat, or the pain in my heart.  “Please promise me that you won't leave me. Promise me that you will stick around and help me get through this because I'm not ready to let you ago again.” I buried my face in my knees, alleviating the burn in my eyes and the lump in my throat, while only deepening the pain in my heart.

My two greatest fears in life were losing my child and dying myself. Since I had already faced one of those fears head on, I no longer feared the second. In fact, there were days that I wished for it. It seemed to be the place that everyone that had meant so much to me in life had gone. So how could it be something to fear?

I was merely existing and nothing in life seemed to matter anymore. I had slipped right back into the place that I was in when Charlie first passed away. I tried my best to put my mother’s fears to rest by putting on a façade when I was around her. I didn’t want her to have to worry about me. She had been so supportive of me over the past eleven months, and I didn’t want to keep dragging her down once again. It was when I was alone that those dark thoughts would creep into my mind. Jamie had called me several times and I knew that I owed him a return phone call, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it yet. He was another reminder of how drastically my life had changed in the past year.

Nick’s funeral was tomorrow and his dad had asked me to give the eulogy.  I didn’t know what I was thinking when I agreed to do it, but I knew that I owed it to Nick.  I had to let everyone else know what a wonderful human being he was.  I sat on my bed with my notebook and pen, storming my brain for the absolute perfect words to describe him, realizing that there
were
no words to describe him or the special relationship that we shared. I closed my eyes, remembering the last time that I had seen him. His double-dimples were the last thing that I saw before he walked out the door.  There was nothing that I would change about the night. I had made love to my very best friend and I would never regret that.

I jumped when I heard a knock on my bedroom door. “Come in,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

When I looked up, I saw a hand sticking in, holding a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I knew immediately that it was Tina hiding behind the door. “I come bearing ice cream,” she joked. I put on my best forced smile when she finally came walking in. “Oh, my god! I love, love, love your hair! You look like you’re seventeen again.”

I rolled my eyes. “I wouldn’t go that far.” She cautiously sat down on my bed and I could tell right away that she was handling me with kid gloves. “What’s up, Tina?” I asked, cutting right to the chase.

She shook her head. “Nothing. I just wanted to see how you’ve been.” One thing about Tina was that she was a horrible liar. “Your mom told me about Nick. I’m so sorry, Hope. I know what great friends the two of you were when you were younger. He was so young for this to have -.”

I put my hand up to stop her. “Please. I don’t want to talk about Nick right now. It just makes me too sad.”

“Okay,” she replied, gently. She was silent for a moment before working up the courage to tell me the real reason for her visit. “Jamie called Alex yesterday. He said you were having dizzy spells.”

I shook my head and closed my eyes. “I am fine, Tina! I told Jamie that I’m fine and now I’m telling you.”

“Okay. He was just concerned and wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

“Well, I’m just…swell!” I said, forcing a smile and holding back the tears. Really, I wasn’t. But it didn’t matter anyway because after going to the doctor yesterday and hearing my diagnosis, it was guaranteed that Jamie and I would no longer have a future.

I could still see the doubt in her eyes, but she wasn’t pushing, especially after our last blow up. She took the lid off the container and handed me a spoon. We propped the pillows up against the wall and stuck our spoons into the ice cream. We were talking and laughing just like we would back in high school, making me wish that I could go back to that time in life before I became scarred with hurt, loss, and death.

After Tina left, I finished up with the eulogy and was very pleased with the outcome. I only hoped that I would be able to keep it together to deliver it. I was mentally drained after pouring out my heart and soul onto paper for the past two hours. I couldn’t wait to crawl into bed. I just wanted to wake up and have this past year be a bad dream. I wanted my Charlie back. I wanted Nick back. I wanted to know that Jamie was still mine forever and we would be living out our happily ever after, the way we had intended.

My phone began to vibrate on my nightstand.  My stomach dropped as
Jamie
displayed on my caller ID.

“Hi, Jamie,” I answered. I could hear my voice cracking with emotion.

“Hey, Hope. I, um…just wanted to see how you’ve been.”

“I’m good.” I choked back a tear, hoping that he didn’t pick up on it.

“Hope, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. I needed my old Jamie so badly right now; the one that would put all my fears to rest.

“Well, I’m going to be home in two weeks and I was hoping we could talk.”

I didn’t know how to answer. I knew that once I faced him, I would have to tell him and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that just yet.

“Umm…yeah, that sounds good,” I whispered.

There was an awkward silence. “Hope, please talk to me. Tell me why you’re so upset. And don’t give me that bullshit that everything is fine. I know you better than that. I know when something is bothering you.”

“It’s just been a really emotional week, that’s all. A good friend of mine from school passed away and tomorrow is the funeral.” That was only part of it, but I hoped that would suffice.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Hope. How are you feeling? Are you still having those dizzy spells?”

“No.” I hated lying to him, but I didn’t want to burden him with a problem that wasn’t his concern.

“Hope?” he pleaded.

“Jamie. I’m okay. Really, I am.”

He sighed heavily. “Well, I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” I nodded as if he could see me. “I love you, Hope.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears. My heart sank, hearing those words coming from him. It had been almost a whole year since I heard him say it, but it was too late now. I wanted to say it back so badly, but I couldn’t.  “I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon, Jamie.” My words were incoherent as I tried to catch my breath between sobs. I quickly hung up the phone and let the tears fall.  “I love you, too, Jamie, forever and always,” I whispered to myself before burying my head into my pillow and crying myself to sleep.

I sat in the church, putting up walls around me, trying my best to keep my tears inside. I needed to be strong for Nick today. I needed to get through this eulogy without breaking down. My legs were shaking and I was happy that I didn’t eat much for breakfast because I was quite certain that my nerves couldn’t keep it down. I glanced over at the casket a few times and quickly looked away, not wanting to believe that Nick was actually inside. Painfully, I was bought back to the day of Charlie’s funeral. I had stared at his casket the entire time and totally broke down in the church while my brother consoled me.

My stomach dropped when I heard the priest say, “And now, Nick's lifelong friend would like to share a few words about who he was in life.” My mom took my hand in hers and rubbed it gently, offering her support as I stood up on shaking legs and headed toward the altar. I braced my hands on the podium and stared out at the church full of people. Every pew was filled. There was a sea of blue uniforms along the back wall and the side aisles. I looked in the second pew where Angie sat, wiping away her tears as her mother comforted her. My eyes then shifted to Nick’s mom and stepdad, and finally to Nick's dad and my mother. My mother raised her eyebrow and nodded at me, giving me her sign of reassurance.

I closed my eyes as Nick's face flashed before me. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath before I began to speak. “I was asked to say a few words about Nick today and I have to admit that I was a little nervous at first. But as I sat down and put my pen to paper, the words just flowed out effortlessly, the same way my friendship with Nick always did.  Nick was the boy who lived down the street. I had known him ever since I could remember. He was my bike riding buddy, included me in all of the wiffle ball games when all of the other boys would protest, the first boy I ever held hands with, and my very first kiss.”  I felt myself choking up when I saw the tears flowing down Nick’s father’s face. I took a deep breath, trying to keep it together.
Nick, please, help me get through this without turning into a blubbering mess.

“When Nick moved away the summer before ninth grade, I cried for days, wondering how I would ever survive without my best friend. The years passed. I made new friends, went off to college, got married and moved away, but I still thought about him often. Every time I would come and visit my mother, I was flooded with memories of Nick and the mischief that we would get into as kids.  Some of my best childhood memories were the times that I had spent with him. A few months ago, I came back home to try and heal myself after a horrible tragedy in my life.” I choked back a tear and closed my eyes to regain my composure.

“Nick was home on leave, visiting his dad.  Spending time with him brought me right back to my childhood when life was simple and we didn’t have a care in the world. We picked right up on our friendship, like there was never any time lost between us. Nick was such a caring, loyal person. I never felt uncomfortable around him and felt as if I could tell him anything without being judged or looked down upon. He was so proud to be a Marine. He loved his family and his fiancé with all his heart.”

I paused briefly when I heard a loud sob come from Angie. Her tear-filled eyes gazed into mine before I continued. “I’m trying my best to take some very good advice that I had been given and celebrate Nick’s life instead of mourning his death.” I looked at my mother. She gave me a sympathetic smile. “I know that’s what Nick would have wanted. He was the best medicine to help bring me out of my fog.  He showed me that I really am a strong person and helped me face the world again. Now I must make him proud and prove to him just how strong I am by learning to face the world without this absolutely wonderful man that I considered my very best friend.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I did it. I got through the eulogy without shedding a tear. I knew that Nick was there, helping me stay strong.  I stepped down from the altar, trying my best to ignore the sniffles and faint cries coming from the congregation. I looked straight ahead and just focused on my mother, who kept a strong face on for me.  I knew that if I looked anywhere else, the dam would break and I didn’t want to do that until I was seated and not the main focus of everyone.  I sat down, remaining stone-faced, finally breaking down when Nick’s dad took me in his arms and whispered in my ear, “Thank you, Hope. Thank you for being such a good friend to him in life and in death.”