A Deadly Fall (10 page)

He’d brought a bottle of wine, and brie—my favorite—on crackers. I lay on my back, looking up at the stars, and he started telling me how much he loves me. He lay down next to me, hand on my stomach, and I turned to look at him. I could see he was nervous.

He told me, ‘Sarah, I’ve loved you since we were 13. I didn’t know it was love then, but I figured it out by the time I was 14.’ We both laughed. We both knew that wasn’t true. ‘I can’t imagine my life without you. What would I eat? Who would I talk to? You
are
my life. And I want to marry you so everyone knows you’re my life. Sarah, will you marry me?’ And then the fireworks started! Right on cue!

I couldn’t even answer, I was smiling and crying too much! Finally, I could say yes, I’d marry him. I had thought he’d wait until we were done with college, but no. And that’s perfect. Everyone else will be getting engaged then. This way, everyone will still want to come to ours! We even picked a month—April. Before graduation. I want to graduate and already be married!

I can’t believe this is happening, I’m so happy!

***

July 31, 2005

I asked Judy to be in my wedding. I think she was disappointed she’s not the maid of honor. But I had to ask Marissa to be that. She’s my sister. Even if we don’t always talk that much. Or maybe Judy still thinks Jack isn’t the person for me. I don’t know why she can’t see what everyone else sees—we’re perfect for each other. Whatever. I made Marissa promise to be my maid of honor when I was 16 and had sex for the first time. I hope she remembers that! And doesn’t use that in her speech at the wedding. . .

But Judy finally agreed to be in the wedding. We’re going dress shopping together in NYC next weekend. I’m really excited. I want to get a lot of the planning done before school starts again. I still want to pass all my classes!

***

October 1, 2005

Fall weekend is coming up, and Jack is being really strange. We’ve always gone home together. And I assumed we would this time too. But he’s going to South Carolina with his friends. It’s not even his bachelor party—he wanted to go skiing out west this February for that.

But he didn’t tell me anything about this weekend until today. I almost had to force it out of him. I assumed he would give me a ride home, like always, but he was being really evasive, not committing to driving me, then not committing to going home, then
finally
telling me he wasn’t going home. That’s fine, but why be so secretive about it?

***

June 9, 2006

Well, the honeymoon’s over. Is your relationship supposed to change so dramatically once you’re married? We had such a great time on our honeymoon, and moving back home together, and buying a house—it’s perfect. Two bedrooms, so when we have our first kid, they’ll have their own room. A backyard big enough for a garden that will feed us.

But then, a month later, he doesn’t seem happy. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if it’s something I did, or said. But he just comes home some nights and gets drunk.

I thought we’d both be the same once we were done with school, and once we were married, but he seems to have changed. Unless I’m the one who changed. I don’t even know.

***

December 24, 2006

Our first Christmas together, and Jack already ruined it. We were going to have Krista and Allen over for Christmas Eve. But he made me call them and tell them I wasn’t feeling well. Which in the end, I guess I wasn’t. But that wasn’t until after I called them.

I know he didn’t mean it. It was an accident. I can’t even write the words because that will make it too real. But he promised it won’t happen again.

He’s sleeping in the second bedroom right now because he feels so bad about it. But I’ve forgiven him. I know he didn’t mean to. I love him, and he loves me.

I had to call Sam.

Sam – October 2009

“Judy, what are you doing here?” I asked when I got home from work.

“I needed a home base again and this is where I always came in the past, so I thought I’d come by,” she told me, standing at the fridge, surveying its contents. “You don’t have any bread.”

“I haven’t been to the store in a few days.”

“I’ll go.”

I was surprised that she was the same as she’d always been—letting herself move into my house as if it was hers, not that I had a problem with that, and coming back here even when Sarah wasn’t here to visit. I didn’t flatter myself with thinking she’d come in the past because she wanted
my
company. But I thought she’d be struggling with Sarah being gone at least as much as Marissa was. They seemed closer than sisters when they were together.

My phone rang as Judy walked out the door. I saw Marissa’s name and number on the screen and couldn’t help but smile.

“Hi, I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

“Hi Sam,” she said, colder than usual. Something was up.

“Are you OK?”

“Sam, I didn’t tell you I took something from Sarah and Jack’s house.”

She stopped.

“OK.”

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to have to report me. I didn’t even like telling you that I’d gone in without anyone home and looking around.”

“Marissa, it’s your sister we’re talking about. I wouldn’t even have to avoid reporting that because it’s not reportable. What did you take?”

“I found a box of Sarah’s journals in the bedroom closet. I didn’t even know that she’d kept journals. But I guess she had all her life, because I’ve found some that are dated from middle school—when she and Jack first started dating.”

“OK.”

“I’ve been reading them when I have downtime, which I’ve been having more than I expected because I’m just not excited about being in Ottawa right now. And I’ve read up through their wedding and into their marriage. Only some things. I don’t read everything. There are a lot of entries I skip because some things are meant to be kept between a husband and wife.”

I stayed silent and let her talk.

“I just read one from the first Christmas they were married. Sarah doesn’t say it explicitly, but she alludes to Jack possibly abusing her.”

“You think she was in an abusive relationship?”

“I don’t know. It sounds like it from the entry.”

“Read it to me,” I requested and she obliged. “I’ve seen enough women stuck in relationships they should have gotten out of because of physical abuse to be pretty sure this was at least one incident where he hit her. But she blamed herself for his actions, so she never said anything. Are there more entries like that?”

“I don’t know. I just read this one now and called you.”

“Why don’t you read some more of them, finish your semester in Ottawa and come spend Christmas here with me. You’ll be more than ready for a break, and we can look into this together.”

There was a long pause before she agreed and said, “I can do that. And Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

***

“Judy, do you know anything about how Jack’s doing since Sarah died?” I asked over dinner.

“Nope, haven’t kept in touch with him,” she said nonchalantly. “I never liked him—tried to get Sarah to break up with him in middle school, high school, and college. When they got engaged, I thought I should finally be supportive, so I stopped telling her she could do better.”

“Why didn’t you like him?”

“He was controlling. In middle school he’d get jealous if Sarah so much as looked at another boy. One time, we had this project in Social Studies. In an effort to get us to break out of our ‘comfort zones,’” she rolled her eyes and used air quotes, “we had to partner with someone of the opposite gender. Otherwise Sarah and I would have been partners, no questions asked. And Jack wasn’t in our class. So even though she didn’t have a choice, Jack was mad at Sarah for partnering with this kid named Steven Murray. Like, really mad. Looking back later, I figured it was just middle school jealousy. But then it got worse. In college, he wouldn’t let her do things on weekends with groups of people if there were guys there. Unless he went. It was just strange. I tried to convince her he was no good, but she loved him.”

“What about after they were married?”

“It seemed to get better. I didn’t hear anything about it anymore.”

Marissa – November 2009

It was a relief to tell Sam about the journals—having them and also what I’d read. But I found more allusions to abuse, and I didn’t tell him about those entries yet.

January 15, 2007

Jack did it again. But this time I definitely caused it. He got home from work and I started nagging him about our weekend plans. I know he works hard and doesn’t think about what we’re going to do on his days off until it is his day off, but it was already Thursday and I had to tell Krista if we were going to come skiing or not. They were renting a condo in Vermont and they needed to know how many bedrooms to get. It was already so last minute because Jack wouldn’t ever tell me if he wanted to go, that I was surprised it was still an option.

So I waited until he sat down in the kitchen with a beer, and asked if he wanted to go skiing—for the 10
^th
time this week. First he yelled, so I back pedaled and told him he didn’t have to go. I could go without him. But he must have seen that as being resentful or manipulative, because he came at me. I was at the stove and I accidentally flung hot onions on him, which really set him off.

***

June 3, 2007

I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant! I’M PREGNANT! I could shout it at everyone I see. Which isn’t many people, but still! I could tell everyone and they would know how excited I am!

I had been feeling sick for a couple weeks, so I got a home pregnancy test. I thought we’d been careful, so I didn’t think I was actually pregnant. Jack keeps saying he’s not ready to be a dad. That’s fine. I can wait.

But I don’t have to! Well, I have to wait another seven months. But then I’ll be a mom and Jack will be a dad and we’ll have a baby!

So today, Jack and I went to our first baby appointment. Everything’s going well, and I could tell how excited Jack is now. He wasn’t at first, he freaked, but he hasn’t spent much time with babies—or kids—so that made sense.

But today after the appointment, we out to lunch and had great sex when we got back home. I could tell he was excited about it now.

***

June 11, 2007

Maybe he’s not as excited as I thought. Yesterday was the worst ever. I went to bed with really bad cramps—after—and then I bled a lot all night.

I went to the doctor this afternoon, I was lucky I could even get in today, and there’s no more baby.

I couldn’t tell her what happened yesterday. Jack was so angry, about nothing! Or at least nothing that happened at home. Maybe it was work.

And Mom had miscarriages. So maybe it wasn’t even related to Jack.

***

September 24, 2007

Jack and I went camping this weekend. We got the colors just right. It was magical.

We hiked the Presidential Traverse. Took it slow and enjoyed the solitude. I was surprised how few people there were, but I guess they were all going up Mt. Washington on the auto road.

We talked about how maybe Jack wasn’t present enough in our relationship, and he should work less so we can connect more often. I’m going to pick up more hours to help accommodate that. It’ll be better for us.

We also talked about trying for a baby again. I really think he’s come around. We talked about some of the things Jack is nervous about—not being able to travel as much, not being able to provide a baby with all the best opportunities, not having any idea what babies need. I promised him he’d learn and love it and we’d figure it out together and our priorities would change as soon as we had a baby.

We’re going to keep having these kinds of conversations, but I think he’s coming around and starting to feel more confident and comfortable with the idea.

***

November 1, 2007

He’s ready! I’ve stopped taking birth control and we’re going to try again! What more could I even say about that? So happy!