A Deeper Dimension (16 page)

Alicia was saying goodbye to Alex and she turned to Diana, saying with a friendly light in her eyes, “I’m looking forward to Saturday, and the chance to get to know you better, Diana.” I’ll bet! she thought, but she didn’t comment. Then Alicia was gone with a wave of her hand.

The rest of the morning passed with what had become unusual quietness. Alex seemed preoccupied and Diana, anxious to avoid any unnecessary confrontations, went out of her way to keep the peace intact. When she went out for her lunch break, she marvelled that the two of them had made it through a whole morning without any nasty scenes.

She was surprised to see the darkened office after her lunch break, for Alex usually stayed after she had left and came back before she did. She didn’t see the dark silent figure behind the desk for a moment until her eyes got used to the darker room. Then, just as she had her hand out to flick on the light, she went rigid.

“Alex?” She spoke quietly. The dark figure in the chair moved a little and his voice came back as quietly.

“Yes?”

She moved into the room without touching the light switch. The closed curtains gave the room a shadowy effect, blurring greys upon greys, with the one black figure behind the desk.

Diana stopped uncertainly in front of the desk. She could see Alex a little better. He was sitting with both elbows resting on the desk top, hands laced with chin and mouth covered. She felt uneasy, unable to grasp his mood without the benefit of seeing his face.

“Do you have a headache? Would you like the light off for a while longer?” she asked, concerned.

“No, I’m all right.” But still the figure didn’t move. She could only see dark shadows with a faint glitter where his eyes were supposed to be.

“Have you had any lunch yet?” she persisted.

“No.”

“I’d be glad to go down to the cafeteria to get you some sandwiches, if you like.”

“I’m not really hungry. Thank you anyway.”

Diana sat down in the chair that was pulled close to the front of Alex’s desk. This was not like Alex at all, and it worried her. He was usually so full of energy that he never wasted any part of the day, preferring instead to work right through his lunch hours and late into the evenings. She didn’t know what he liked to do for relaxation, but this she knew was not right. She thought for a moment.

“You are thinking some problem through, aren’t you?” she asked quietly. She could almost hear his smile.

“Something like that, yes,” he replied. There was such a lack of tension between them that Diana was unwilling to put on the harsh light or say anything to dispel the mood. This lack of strain had been how things were long ago. She felt a shock when she realised that only a week or two ago, this was how things had been between the two of them.

She decided to risk rejection, and asked carefully, “Would you like to talk about it?” She tilted her head back and leaned comfortably into her seat as she waited for his reply.

He hesitated. “No,” he said at last, and she felt somewhat disappointed. He continued, “But it would be nice just to talk. Maybe it will help to clear some of the cobwebs in my mind and I’ll be able to think about things with a fresh view.”

“All right,” she agreed. “Would you like the light on?”

“No!” he spoke a little sharply. Then, more quietly, “No, don’t turn the light on. It’s much too nice and relaxing like it is. I don’t want this mood destroyed.”

Diana nodded in agreement, then realised that he couldn’t see her. She said, “I know what you mean. What would you like to talk about?”

The chair squeaked as Alex shifted. “I don’t know. Anything. Everything. Life, death, betrayal, love, hate.” Through his voice and in the pauses, she could hear the desk clock’s tiny whir of electricity. “You, me, them, anyone. What do you want to talk about?”

She chuckled, “How about the latest weather updates?”
 

He gave a small groan. “Anything but that! Surely we can find something, some interest we have in common?”

“We could always start with the first on your list,” she said lightly. She folded her hands behind her neck and crossed her ankles. “How’s life been treating you?”

“I don’t know,” Alex spoke in a low voice. She frowned. It was a strange remark to make. “Do you ever feel as if everything is going your way and then something happens and nothing is ever the same again?”

She sat very still. She knew what he meant, too well. As soon as she had met Alex, everything in her life had taken a sudden shift and she couldn’t figure out just how it happened.

He was speaking. “It seems like that’s what happened to me and I don’t know what I want any more or where I’m going. What do you want to do with your life, Diana?”

The question was unexpected and the surprise of it sent her mind racing, groping for an answer. She felt a jumbled mixture of emotions and she was at a loss to explain just why until it dawned on her. She sat quite still, lost in herself and her own revelation, and was almost unaware that Alex was listening, for he was so quiet. Then she heard herself speak, and realised as she talked that she was not answering the question for Alex. She was answering the question for herself. “I think I want to do something worthwhile. I want to see something done and say, ‘Look, everyone, this is good. This is an achievement. I was able to do this thing.’” She shifted restlessly. “No, that isn’t right, I don’t know.” She stared at the ceiling. She tried to say that it didn’t matter, that she wouldn’t answer; she wanted to change the subject, but she couldn’t. She needed the question answered. “I want to fill an emptiness inside me with something good and worthwhile. I try to find it in everything that I do and everything I dream. There’s something inside me that’s reaching out to a bright and shining ideal, only I can’t seem to see where to go or how to reach it.” She repeated quietly, “I don’t know,” and wished she hadn’t said anything. She felt naked.

Alex seemed to be listening intently to her little speech, and when she was through, he asked, trying to choose his words carefully, “So you’re searching for something but you don’t know where to look or what you want to find?”

She sighed. “Something like that, yes. It—it’s as if it won’t let me rest or stop trying to find it, I…” she faltered. “Like I said, I don’t know. Are you understanding any of this?”

He said very gently, “Yes, I think I am. Once I felt like you did, but now I think I’ve found my ideal. I just don’t know how to go about attaining it.”

“Oh,” she said eagerly, “what is it?” He remained silent for a moment and as he started to speak she interrupted. “No, don’t tell me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”

He told her quietly, “I won’t tell you now, Diana, but maybe someday, if I ever attain it, I will.”

“I’d like that,” she said hesitantly. Alex stood up and walked around the desk to her. He squatted down on his haunches in front of her chair and took her hands in between his. Twice he started to speak and stopped. Diana felt for some reason a little shaky and her heart was starting to pound.

“Diana,” he started, “I want to apologise for the way I’ve treated you recently.” She started to speak, but he shushed her with a finger to her lips. “No, hear me out. I have, for some odd reason, taken all my frustrations out on you, and attacked you in the most abominable way. There’s no excuse for the way I’ve treated you, only the flimsy explanation that I can’t even explain properly. Forgive me—I don’t want to hurt anyone, and in spite of what you’ve said in the past, I feel I’ve hurt you.”

She couldn’t control herself and tears started to run down her cheeks. This Alex was gentle, and while she was able to stand all his cold and hurting attitude, she couldn’t stand this. She stayed silent, unable to speak.

Alex had to be able to feel the trembling in her hands as he gripped them, and his hands tightened fractionally. “Diana—” he began. “My dear, I hope you find your ideal. I want you to be happy, I want…” He took a deep breath. “I wish you all the luck. If I can help you in any way, let me know.” She nodded, forgetting again that he couldn’t see her, and he stood up, releasing her hands.

“I need to go and speak with Owen,” he said quietly. She knew he was giving her a bit of time to gather her control. “I’ll be back in half an hour, and I’ll tell Carrie to hold all my calls.” He bent slightly and she felt his lips brush her forehead, and then he was gone.

Diana stayed where she was in the dark for a long time. She couldn’t understand it, couldn’t understand from where all of the pain and aching came. Everything was patched up between Alex and herself. Everything should be fine. Everything wasn’t fine, and she felt the tears trickle one by one, wetting her face and hands.

By the time Alex had returned, she had herself under control and was working at her desk. But it was a precarious control, and there were slight smudges under her eyes and on her cheeks. Taking one keen look at her, he merely said cheerfully that he had got everything straightened out with Owen and that he’d sent down for some sandwiches for the two of them. Then he immediately sat down at his desk and was immersed in some papers. When the sandwiches came, they ate while still working and the afternoon was spent in a peaceful silence.

Nevertheless, Diana was more than glad to go home to the empty silence of her apartment to soothe her raw nerves and try to relax.

The next day went as peacefully as the day before had, and in the afternoon, Alex sat back with a smile. “This is very nice,” he commented, and Diana, looking up from her work, didn’t pretend to misunderstand.

“It is, isn’t it?” she agreed with a returning smile. It was beginning to feel like a joy to come to the office again, and not a chore to be endured.

“Are you busy tonight?” he asked suddenly, his gaze very blue and bright. They seemed to fairly sparkle in the cragginess of his features, and she stared, bemused.

Some of her old caution returned and she replied carefully, “It really kind of depends, I suppose.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, tousling it wildly, and chuckled, “Depends on what I have in mind, is that it?”

She laughed, “Yes, I guess that is what I meant.” He didn’t take offence.

Instead, he asked with a grin, “How good are you at roller-skating?” His eyes were definitely twinkling.

“Roller-skating?” she exclaimed. “I’ve never been roller-skating in my life!”

“What?” It was a mild roar as he stared at her in surprise. “You’ve never been roller-skating in your entire life?” She shook her head, smiling with amusement. “Ever?” He evidently found it hard to believe. “Would you like to go with me this evening, then?”

She was doubtful. “I don’t know,” she muttered. “The floor always looks so hard.”

“You nut, it is hard.” Alex grinned at her in amusement. “But if you go with me, you’ll never take a spill.”

“How can you say a thing like that?” she scoffed at him in disbelief.

“I promise!”

“Promises!” Diana said bitterly as she picked herself up off the floor by pulling with her hands on the railing that surrounded the roller rink. “I should have known better than to trust one of his promises! Especially one like that one was!”

Alex picked himself off the ground with more grace than she had. “How was I to know you’d stick one of your big feet in front of mine?” he grumbled, gliding over with an ease that she eyed enviously.

“Of course you should know, I’m a novice!” she snapped testily. She rubbed her bottom. “Boy, does my behind hurt!”

“Want me to massage it for you?” He grinned as he looked at her mischievously. She glowered at him sourly.

“No, thanks.” She shook her head sadly. “I know a little girl who’s going to be very sorry in the morning that she ever agreed to come to this fiasco. I wonder if she’ll be able to make it to work.”

“I know a girl who’s not so little, and that’s why she’s going to be hurting tomorrow,” Alex retorted as he grabbed her hands and prepared to take off again. Diana started to shriek protestingly. “And,” he continued grimly, “if she’s not at work, she’s going to be hurting more on her behind, and it won’t be from falling! Oh, shut up, girl, and loosen up a little. I’m not going to let you fall, for heaven’s sake! No! Don’t do that—oh, hell—”

“Promises!” she grumbled, starting to crawl in the direction of the exit from the rink. “See if I ever listen to your promises again!”

After an exhausting and hilarious hour on the rink, they called it quits, or rather, Diana refused to get up to fall again, and Alex in skates could not get the leverage to pick her up. They went out for coffee in a cute little restaurant and spent much of the time laughing over the disastrous attempts Diana had made on her skates.

He took her home late that night, and when they pulled up in the driveway, they kept talking, each reluctant to end the evening. He walked her to her door and she fumbled for her keys in the darkness. After locating them and inserting the key in the lock, Alex took over and opened the door for her, returning her key to her outstretched palm. She opened her mouth to say something, but he was first as he said softly, “It’s late, and we both get up early.”

She nodded, and there was a silence as they stared at each other. Her blood began to pound as she remembered the feel of Alex’s arms, the pressure of his lips. He bent down and began to brush his lips by the side of her mouth and would have moved away, but she turned her face sharply and touched his lips with hers. They were softer than she remembered. He took in his breath hard, then his arms were around her and his lips weren’t soft at all as he tightened them, bringing her close. She was trembling when he finally lifted his mouth away.