A Dinner Of Herbs (61 page)

scale. While he was at home my life was easier, but when he was away, neither my uncle nor my

grandmother could save me from thrashings.

“I understood that from the second year of their marriage they ceased to live as man and wife. Yet, she

was known to give her attention generously to other men. At times she became mad. I

think that she

was insane, that she had been insane all her life. Anyway, both my grandmother and my

uncle were

afraid of her, but like a lot of insane people she was very clever and wily. And when my father, at one

stage, tried to get her confined to a clinic, she spoke to the doctors so reasonably that they could not

agree on her mental state.

“My father wanted to send me away to school but she was against it. I was her whipping stool. It was

nothing for me to be locked in a cupboard for twenty-four hours at a time. My father died when I was

twelve, and the day after he was buried she gave a party to people from the lowest part of the town.

What happened at the end of the party is still a mystery. It is known my grandfather

Hamilton appeared

on the scene, as did my Uncle Benjamin, who by this time was living his own life away

from her. There

was a fracas as they tried to turn out the motley crew, and in it, my mother was struck with a poker. It

was whispered

it was my grandfather who did it; then again, that it was her brother, my uncle; but of course the blame

was put on one of the visitors who had disappeared back into their holes. Whatever the truth of that, she

was dead.

“It was the happiest day of my life so far when I joined her funeral cortege. And after that life became so

wonderful that I imagined that I, too, might die before I had had enough of it. My

grandmother

Bannaman is a very gentle woman, and as she grew older she talked more and more of

her life spent in

this country, mostly of her happy childhood and girlhood before she married.”

He stopped talking and put his hands over his eyes, and she saw that beads of sweat were running down

his face. And now she wanted to put her hands out to him and bring him down beside her, but he began

to pace the floor again and talk as he did so, saying, “I forgot to mention that my

grandmother’s cousin

didn’t find her relatives from Eng land very compatible. And if my mother hadn’t

married quickly, that

association would have been broken up in any case. I understand she died when I was

quite young. But

He stopped in his pacing and, looking at her, he said, “ As time went on and I listened to my

grandmother reminiscing, I knew that there was something she was holding back,

something she wanted

to tell me but was fearful of doing so. Incidentally, I was seventeen when Grandfather Hamilton took me

into the business, but he was failing in health and three years later he sold the entire company. His

retirement didn’t last long and he died a year later. He had been a widower for many

years, and but for a

few bequests he left his entire fortune to me. “

Her mouth fell open at this stage. He had said he had been left a fortune, yet had been living in that

one-roomed hovel all the winter.

What was the matter with him?

“You seem surprised, and I know what you’re thinking. Why haven’t I lived differently?

I will tell you.

Last year, my grandmother became ill, and fearing that her time might be running out, it was then that she

told me the whole grizzly story of her husband’s life, which she had had no inkling of until the constables

came to the house, although apparently my mother had gleaned some knowledge of his

doings earlier on.

There was a store under the cellar.” He turned his head and nodded towards the far wall of the kitchen.

“I have been in it. She must have discovered it at some time. Anyway, she knew what my grandmother

didn’t know, and what my grandmother also didn’t know until she had been some time in

America, and

she only learned of it from her son when he had drunk more than usual one day, for he

became a heavy

drinker, was that they had left a man trussed up in the barn of the house and that there was no possibility

of his ever being found alive.

My grandfather had apparently killed this particular man’s father. “

He now brought up his shoulders tight around his neck as if to shrug off some burden he was carrying,

then ended, “You know all about it.

And now, about me. When happily my grandmother recovered, I resigned from the old

firm at which I

was still working and came here, because I was haunted by the story. I could not believe that these

things had happened until I remembered what my mother was like, and then I had to

admit the truth of

them to myself. Yet, I had to come.

“At first I stayed at an inn in Allendale and from there went out walking. And one day I saw that little hut

of a cottage. There was a man on horseback outside it. He turned out to be Charles. He said at one

time it had been a shepherd’s cottage, and it happened to be on his land. I apologized for trespassing.

He was very kind. We rode back together and adjourned to the inn, and as we talked the idea came to

me to live in that place, to experience life at its lowest, and also to give a reason for my presence. I said I

was a kind of writer, more of a journalist, and wanted to record this part of the country, for some of my

forebears had come from here. I gave their name as Hamilton. He knew no one in the

vicinity by that

name. As he said, they must have lived here a long time ago. So there it is, Kate. Now you know why

I’m here, and who I

am. But there are two things you don’t know as yet. The first is that I own this house and the land

surrounding. I bought it last week. I have no need to come through the pantry window, I have a key to

the front door. And the other thing that you don’t know, Kate, or perhaps you do. I hope you do. “ He

now moved slowly towards her and sat down on the edge of the settle and, taking her

limp hand, he said,

“ I love you, Kate. “

The room was spinning around her. Outside the smeared window the land was lifting

from its base, the

whole world was whirling. Something was happening inside her head. She was going to

faint. No, she

wasn’t. She had never fainted in her life and she had very little use for women who used this as a last

resort, mostly to achieve what they wanted.

Isabel Younger over at Bretton House, could faint to order, and always succeeded, to

bring her husband

to his knees. No, she wasn’t going to faint. But something was happening to her: her

heart seemed to

have stopped beating. Yet again, that was wrong, for it was thumping against her ribs so forcefully that

she felt it would break through.

“Kate. Kate. Look at me.”

She did not know that she had turned her head away, and now when she looked back at

him, she heard

in surprise her own voice saying, “You can’t mean that. How can you?”

“I can, because I think you’re the finest creature I’ve ever come across.”

“Oh She turned her head away again, then muttered, “ Don’t make fun. “

His hands were on her shoulders now and she was actually being shaken.

“I was never more serious, Kate. Don’t accuse me of making fun. Listen to me. I’ve

loved you from

our first meeting on the hills, perhaps even before that, when we looked at each other in that hotel

dining-room. The spark was kindled then. These things happen.”

“Oh, Ben, please’ her voice was soft ~ ‘don’t make me say it.”

“Say what?”

“Well—’ She tossed her head now from side to side.

“Look at me. I’m an outsize in women, but that wouldn’t matter so much except I am

beyond plain.

Let me put it starkly. I have seared in my mind a remark made by a friend of ours. He did not mean me

to overhear it, but what he said was, I wouldn’t be everybody’s taste in ale, but then the man could

always close his eyes when he put the mug to his mouth.”

“God Almighty! And you’ve stored things like that in your mind? Kate, you have never

looked at

yourself squarely. You’ve got a body on you like a Venus, and eyes the like I’ve never looked into

before, and a voice that sounds like music. And in addition, you have a mind. And again, what is more,

you are kind, your character oozes kindness.

Kate, to me, you are a lovely creature. Oh, my dearest, my dear.

Please, please, don’t cry. “

Now he had pulled her to her feet and, his arms about her, he was holding her tight, and as she leant

against him she shivered from head to foot as if with cold. After a moment he pressed her head upwards

and said firmly, “We shall be married, Kate, you and I, and we shall cleanse this house of all its past

memories.”

“Oh! Ohf She pushed herself from him.

“Ben, no, no.” She turned away, her hands clasped tightly under her chin now. The

situation had raced

out of all control: her, living in this house; her, marrying a man, the son of the woman who had tried to kill

her father, and in such a terribly cruel way, not forgetting how his grandfather had

murdered both her

father’s and her step-father’s fathers. The obstacles against their ever coming together were so gigantic

that she groaned aloud.

Shaking her head, she said, “It’s impossible. It could never come about.”

“It must.” He was holding her by the shoulders again.

“Because I know now, I hadn’t to leave the comforts of my home in America, the friends I had made,

the business I had been thinking of investing in, and undertake a

damnable crossing just to find out where my terrible forebears had begun. No, they were best lain

hidden, not unearthed. There had to be something else, and that something else was you.

Then what

stopped me marrying two years ago? I was on the point of proposing to the daughter of a friend of ours,

but then I almost took to my heels and ran. I went off on a shooting expedition. Upset the girl greatly.

But but suddenly I knew I couldn’t ask her to be my wife. Yet from the moment I looked up at you on

your horse from where I lay dozing on the path, I knew the reason for it all: I had found the one that was

for me. Don’t shake your head in such a way, Kate, I’m no silly boy experiencing a calf love. “

He was no silly boy. The statement brought forward the matter of age.

He must be younger than her, quite a bit, but he looked older. Yet after all what did that matter? It

would make no difference one way or the other. Yet she said, “You must be younger than me. That’s

another thing.”

“Yes, I should imagine nearly eighteen months. But that’s utterly irrelevant. Age does not come into

this, but love does. You are for me, Kate, and... and I know now I am for you, because you do care for

me, don’t you?”

She closed her eyes tightly and put her hand across them, only to have it pulled away, and, his arms

about her once more, he said, Tell me.

Just let me hear you say it. “

Her mind was winging away from her, seeming to lift her big body from the ground. She

felt light and for

the first time in her life she knew it didn’t matter what her appearance was like for she was being loved.

Not that she hadn’t known love. But that was family love, and that kept you solid and

protected on the

ground. This love bore upwards, made you feel beautiful inside and created in you a

power that you

imagined could conquer all obstacles, and brought to your lips words that you never

imagined you would

have the chance to say to any man.

“I love you, Ben. Oh, yes, yes, I love you. But I can’t believe... “

Her breathing was checked by his mouth on hers and she knew that never in her life

would she know a

moment that would exceed the happiness that was in her now.

She was brought back to reality when he said, “You will tell them, your people? I

particularly would like

to talk with your father, not only about us, but to tell him how I feel....”

As if a pain had now shot through her body, she drew in a sharp breath. And so evident was her

distress he said, “Kate! Kate! What is it? Are you feeling ill?”

“No, no.” She pressed herself gently from him, then slowly sat down on the settle again and, looking up

at him, she said, “You ... you don’t know the ... the feeling of bitterness and recrimination that is still alive

in my father against all the Bannamans. Even the name is enough at times to set the

muscles of his face

working.”

“But I am not a Bannaman.”

She dropped her gaze from his, bit on her lip, and said, “She was your mother, and ... and no matter

what you felt about her, I ... I can never see you bringing Father round to your side.”

“But I must.” He was on his knees before her now.

“Kate, I must. We must. Either that or just go off together. I’ll take you back home.”

“Oh! no. That’s impossible.” She put her hands out and touched his face.

“As much as I would like to see America, I ... I could never just go off and leave them.

My real father

went off and left my mother. I couldn’t repeat the pattern. It would be too cruel.”

“The reverse would be too cruel as well, Kate. If they tried to part us, what then?”

Yes, if they tried to part them, what then? It was unthinkable. That must never happen.