A Fairy's Guide to Disaster (16 page)

“Wiggle your feet,” I said.

“I am,” said Gerald.

Iris leaned over and yanked at his legs. “It’s no good.”

“Try to get out of your shoes,” I said.

“No way. This is my only pair.”

“You want to stay in the goo?”

Gerald’s mouth turned down in irritation, but he worked his feet out. Once he was free, he flapped over to the wallet.

I took Iris by the arms, but almost let go when I saw Easy and Horc smacking each other. Gerald separated them, but they rolled into each other, grappling like a couple of crazed wrestlers.
 

“Gerald, do something!” I yelled as Iris slipped out of her shoes and into the air.

Gerald took a baby fist to the nose and stumbled backward, nearly tumbling off the square back into the goo. Iris caught him before he went off the edge.

“Good thing I got you,” she said. “If you fell in again, you’d probably have to take off your clothes to get out and then we’d see your dirty underwear.” Iris grinned at Gerald and ducked his swipe at her head.

“Not funny,” he said.

I landed next to Horc. “It’s kind of funny.”

Horc looked me with something like a smile on his face. When he wasn’t paying attention, Easy gave him an open-handed smack. Horc screeched and kicked Easy in the shin. I picked up Horc, trying not to breathe through my nose. Iris scooped up Easy and walked him to the other side of the square. Then the van went around a turn and we all stumbled to the right.

“Sit down before we fall off.” I looked down at Horc. “Why’d you hit Easy? What’s wrong with you?”

A better question might’ve been what was right. Horc snuggled me, getting more and more of his slime on my clothes. “His fault. He’s as stupid as he looks.”

“What are you fighting about?”

“Ask him,” said Horc.

“I can’t. He doesn’t talk yet.”

“See. Stupid.”

I sighed. “Just tell me.”

“He says you don’t like me.”

“What do you mean says?” I looked over at Easy, who stuck his tongue out at Horc and blew a huge raspberry.

“He says it in here.” Horc tapped the side of his head.

“You can read minds, too?” I asked.

“No.” Horc looked at me like I was completely brain-free. “He puts the words in my head.”

“Easy can what?” asked Iris.

“How come you don’t put thoughts in our heads?” I patted Iris’s hand as she gaped at Easy.

Horc scowled. “Apparently, it wouldn’t be polite to put thoughts in your heads.”

Earl took another sharp turn and Stanley clunked his head on the window. “Dude, you almost like knocked off my head. I could have a compression.”

“Shut up. We’re almost there. Try to look professional,” said Earl.

“Professional?” Stanley scratched his head and white flakes rained down on his shoulder. Iris inched away in case one of the flakes came her way.

“Everybody, get ready,” I said. “We’ll fly out when they unload the mantel.

Iris and Gerald nodded, their faces grim. The babies snarled at each other, apparently only worried about how soon they could get their hands on each other.

Earl took another sharp turn and slammed on the brakes. The mantel slid forward six inches and came to a halt. I thanked the heavens we weren’t inside it. I squeezed Horc, and he squeezed back. His stench still bothered me, but I was getting used to it. Either that or I was losing my sense of smell.

Earl yelled at Stanley for trying to sneak a cigarette as they got out, and then they slammed the doors. The van became way too quiet. The waiting seemed to go on and on, but it was probably only a few minutes. Iris watched the back doors, biting her lip and quaking. Horc stroked my cheek in what I assumed was an attempt to soothe me.

“Can you hear anything, Iris?” I asked.

“Not really. I think the metal’s blocking the sound,” said Iris.

“Okay. I’m going to take a look.” I peeled Horc off my chest. “Don’t panic. I won’t go far.”

“I’m not worried. You like me,” said Horc.

I gave him a weak smile and rose in the air until I could see over the door edge. Earl and Stanley stood in front of a blue house with a red door, arguing. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it might’ve had something to do with the cigarettes Earl was waving around. The red door opened and a woman stepped out. Earl and Stanley stopped arguing and stood up a little straighter. The woman smiled and spoke. Something about her seemed familiar, although I was certain I’d never seen her before. She tossed her messy light brown hair back over her shoulder and sneezed into a tissue. Her red-rimmed eyes accentuated her pale cheeks and green eyes. She wore grey pants and a top that looked out of place on her like she normally wore more attractive clothing rather than nondescript stuff two sizes too big. She nodded at Earl and followed him toward the van. I dropped to the shelf and gathered up Horc in one swift motion.

“They’re coming,” I said. “Get ready.”

Iris and Gerald stood. They both got a good handhold on Easy and watched me with big eyes. Easy chirped while we waited, and Horc growled at him. Earl flung the back door open and presented the mantel with a flourish I wouldn’t have thought him capable of.

“What do you think?” asked Earl.

“It’s gorgeous.” The woman touched a carving reverently, as though she might mar the wood with her fingers.

“So you want it?” asked Stanley, who flinched when Earl glared at him.

“I wanted it the minute I saw the first picture. Grandma knows best. Can you bring it in for me with those hands?” The woman gestured to Stanley’s bandaged hands.

“Don’t you worry about him, ma’am. Just show us where you want it,” said Earl.

It was Stanley’s turn to glare. “Easy for you to say.”

“Stop your whining. This is our job, you jackass.”

“I got sixth degree burns here. I should be at the doctors,” said Stanley.

Earl turned to the woman who was staring at Stanley with a wrinkled brow. “Don’t listen to him. Those ain’t no more than fourth degree.”

The woman hid a smile behind her tissue. “Well, if you think you can handle it. Bring it in the living room and place it on the hearth. It’s all ready.”

Earl and Stanley each grabbed a leg of the mantel and started pulling it out, much more gingerly than they’d pushed it in. The woman sneezed and watched, her red-rimmed eyes roving over the mantel. A smile flickered across her generous lips and she sneezed again.

“Let’s go,” I said.

We flew out of the van at a leisurely pace. No need to hurry when Earl and Stanley inched the mantel along so slowly. I could’ve walked out and still beat them.

We hovered near the woman’s ear. She was sick, but she smelled a good deal better than Horc or Earl and Stanley.

“What now?” asked Iris.

The front door remained open and I inclined my head toward it. “I guess we go in. That’s where the mantel’s going.”

I led the way, flying up the walkway past enormous green-glazed pots filled with blood-red flowers that definitely didn’t grow in the forest. Other flowers grew out of the ground in bushy clumps. Some were striped with purple and white. Others were solid pink or a purple so dark it appeared nearly black. Iris shouted something, but I couldn’t hear her with the October wind whipping past my ears.

“She says the flowers are amazing,” said Horc in my ear.

“Thanks.” I wanted to tell him to be quiet. It depressed me to know that even a spriggan baby who’d known me for all of five minutes could see my defect so plainly. Mom always said it didn’t matter; clearly it did and everybody knew it. I felt like the last to be brought in on a secret.

We flew up the steps to the door, past another pot with a weird pine tree in it twisting its way up to the sky like a spring. Warmth spilled out the open doorway. Warmth that made the antique mall feel like a January day. We slowed to a hover just outside. Iris and Gerald’s faces were crinkled in identical expressions of worry.

“It’s hot in there,” said Gerald. “Somebody should go in to check it out. We can’t be too careful.”

“It’s weird, but it’s not like it’s on fire or anything,” I said.

“There is a fire,” said Iris.

I rolled my eyes. “Humans have fires in fireplaces. It’s not on fire, is it? I mean, that woman was just in there.”

“I’ll check it out,” said Gerald. “I should do it. I’m the man.”

“Are you kidding?” I asked. “I’m the babysitter as you so recently reminded me. I’ll go first.”

“Well, somebody go,” said Iris. “My wings are tired.”

“This spriggan’s no feather,” I said. “But I’m going.”

I flew over the threshold with Horc, past the red door into a dining room. At least I assumed it was a dining room. It had an oval table with shiny ornate chairs and a large cabinet filled with pretty dishes. I wanted to run my fingers over the gold-rimmed plates and study their pattern. I’d never seen an intact human dining room before and it was more beautiful than I imagined. Whipplethorn’s dining room was empty, so I wasn’t sure what made it a dining room, but that’s what everyone called it.

“It’s okay,” I said, not bothering to shout. Iris and Gerald would hear me even if I whispered.

I fluttered over to the oval table and landed next to a flower pot filled with hot pink flowers that looked so light and delicate I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d floated right off their stems. Iris and Gerald landed beside me and collapsed into a heap with Easy. I set Horc beside them and touched a petal that drooped to the tabletop. The flower’s brilliant color almost didn’t seem real. When I touched it, I felt its warmth, its vibrancy flowing through the delicate veins.

“Is it real?” asked Iris, struggling to her feet.

“Of course it is,” said Gerald.

We gave him stern looks and both touched the petal. The woman came through the doorway and picked up a mug off the end of the table. The sweet smell of chamomile caused a wave of homesickness to flood my chest. Mom loved chamomile. The woman turned to face Earl and Stanley. They argued at the door, trying to work out how to get the mantel over the threshold. The woman sipped and watched with a faint smile tickling the edges of her eyes

“Just give it a shove. It’ll go all right,” said Stanley.

“Look, dummy. It’ll hit the frame,” said Earl.

“Will not.”

“Will too.”

Gerald looked at me. “How long do you think it will take them to figure it out?”

“Considering Stanley thinks he’s got sixth degree burns, it could be a while.”

“I think they can do it,” said Iris.

“You would,” said Gerald.

The woman set her mug on the table and coughed. “Excuse me. I could be wrong, but perhaps you should set the mantel upright.”

Earl and Stanley looked at each other and nodded. “We were just about to try that,” said Earl.

The woman nodded. She sucked her lips into her mouth to conceal a smile and walked away deeper into the house, glancing back at the workmen. Earl and Stanley set the mantel upright and carried it through the doorway. They passed the table where we watched and followed the woman into another room. I waited until they’d passed and then picked up Horc. Iris and Gerald followed suit with Easy.

A chill wind blew in from the open door and I shivered. Amazing how just a few feet could make such a difference in temperature. “Let’s go after them,” I said.

I flew after Earl and Stanley, more and more aware of my aching arms and legs. Iris and Gerald lugged Easy along beside me. Both their faces were pinched. Gerald favored his injured arm and I felt bad for making him use it. We flew past a staircase, nothing like the one in Whipplethorn Manor. Fabric covered the steps and a plain railing led the way up to another floor.

When we got to the next room, I saw Iris and Gerald’s faces relax. They flew on a bit faster through a high archway into a room that had blood red walls with simple pretty woodwork. Its area was about the same as the mantel’s room in Whipplethorn, and everything had a pleasant warmth about it.

Earl and Stanley pushed the mantel into place over a hearth with a lively fire going. Once it was up against the wall, the woman joined them to admire it. We crossed the room with a final burst of speed and landed on the mantel shelf. I staggered when my feet touched the wood and I almost dropped Horc instead of setting him down. My arms felt loose and empty like they’d been drained of blood. Iris toppled over beside me and Gerald had to hold Easy by himself. His thin legs shook, but he lowered Easy to the ground gently. Easy chirped and patted the spot next to him. Gerald sat down and watched the three humans.

“Wow. He gets heavy,” Gerald said. “What’s next do you think?”

“Nothing, I hope,” I said.

Iris stretched out on the wood and covered her face with the crook of her arm. “I could go to sleep right here.”

“Go ahead,” I said. “I think we’ll stay awhile.”

“Says you. What if that woman decides she doesn’t want the mantel?” Gerald asked.

“She’d be crazy not to want it.”

I turned my attention back to the humans. Stanley rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet and Earl pulled a yellow slip of paper out of his pocket. “Here’s your invoice. You want to look it over, just in case.”

The woman came forward. Her head disappeared below the mantel shelf. Gerald scooted to the edge and looked over.

“Stay away from the edge,” I said.

He stuck his tongue out at me. “Don’t be such a worrywart.”

“What was I thinking?” I asked. “Nothing ever happens to us.”

Just then the woman’s head came back up. Her hair grazed the shelf. I blinked and Gerald was gone.

“Gerald!” I yelled.

Iris and I ran to the edge and looked over. I hoped to see Gerald hovering just below, making faces at us, but he wasn’t there.

“I don’t see him,” I said. “Do you hear anything?”

Iris jutted her chin out and concentrated. “I hear him, but he’s hard to understand. This better not be a joke.”

Behind them, Horc said, “It’s not a joke.”

“How do you know?” asked Iris.

“Say you like me,” said Horc.

“There’s no time for that silliness, Horc,” I said. “Just tell us.”

“Easy says you don’t like me and I want to hear you to say you do.” I knew from the set of his lumpy chin, there was no persuading him.