A Fallen Woman (15 page)

Now there was another shift and he found himself
wanting
to
defend, not only Rachel’s family for their refusal to abandon her,
but Rachel herself, unable to countenance such ill-natured vitriol
towards a woman he had once loved.

Had once loved. Or was it more that he s
till loved?
What the devil was wrong with
him? He could not be… no, damn it,
he simply could not be
forming another partiality to
the damned girl.
Another? A voice inside him mocked. What makes you think
your partiality ever disappeared?

It could not be! He
knew better now. This was not the height of a
London Season with music and dancing and God alone only knew what
other enticements that could turn a man’s head and make him believe
that he had found that one person who could stand by his side no
matter what. He had long since stopped believing that such a person
existed. And even if they did, that person could never be Rachel,
if only because she was ruined, untouchable, a social pariah. No
respectable man would ever look at taking Rachel as a wife, no
matter how beautiful she was.

These thoughts were hardly conducive to a restful state of
mind.
All in
all, it was a relief to walk well stocked shelves that had been
lovingly tended, touching leather bound spines and studying titles,
some comfortably familiar, some he was not yet acquainted with. The
library itself was blissfully quiet with nothing more than the
cheery crackle and pop of the fire to keep him company. He had
selected a copy of Walter Raleigh’s
Ivanhoe
and, after settling into a chair, prepared
to lose himself for an hour or two among the familiar pages. After
only a short time, however, he heard the door of the library
quietly open and close. Situated as he was in a chair by the fire,
it seemed likely that the new arrival could not see him and he put
his head around the edge of the wingback to announce his presence.
No words came out when he saw a tall, slim figure glide gracefully
towards the shelves.

Rachel.

He hesitated,
undecided as to what to do, watching as she scanned the shelves.
Obviously they had decided on the same pastime. He pondered the
possibilities of remaining silent, of letting her select a book and
leave. If she did leave. Like him, she might have decided that a
little quiet time spent reading in the library was a nice idea,
which meant that she would inevitably gravitate towards the chairs
before the fire, which meant…

As Rachel
reached down to select a volume, he cleared his throat quietly.
Rachel jumped and span around, the book she had selected falling to
the floor, which was hardly surprising as she must have thought she
was alone.

‘
Oh!’ she gasped, staring at him with wide eyes.

‘
Miss Sheridan,’ he said, rising to his feet and offering a
bow. ‘I am sorry. I did not mean to startle you.’

‘Well you
did,’ she observed, a little tartly, before collecting himself. ‘I
mean… excuse me Sir; I had not realized that you were
here.’

Something, some inner devil, prompted him to say, ‘And if
you had? Would you have elected to do something other than find a
book to entertain you?’ He was startled by his own words. What the
devil was he doing, putting her in such an uncomfortable
position?’

‘If I had
known you were reading in here I may have found something else to
do. It is a nuisance, is it not, having to make polite
conversation?’ she returned, obviously wary.

‘
It depends on the conversation,’ he murmured.

‘I
suppose I did rather bludgeon you with my determined assault last
night,’ she admitted.

‘I
deserved it,’ he grimaced. ‘I behaved like a fool. But we have
improved. We were perfectly amicable during our ride today, were we
not?’

‘I suppose we were.
’ Rachel bent to pick up the fallen book then
walked towards him slowly. He had the impression that she might
bolt at any moment and wore the kind of expression that suggested
she was in the presence of somebody who could not be reliably
depended on to behave as he ought. She might be right about that.
‘I thought that our companionship today had been thrust upon us
both. Papa and Adam mean well, but they can be hard to resist. As
for last night… I’m afraid I can be rather overbearing. Or so I
have been told.’

‘Was that
said by Charity by any chance?’

The
unexpectedness of his reply brought a sudden, involuntary smile. ‘I
saw that you were seated next to her at luncheon. Did she pursue
her favorite subject?’

‘If that
subject is the sins of Rachel Sheridan, then yes. She waxed most
eloquent on the subject.’

A delicate pink
suffused clear, pale skin. Rachel blushed but her voice, when she
spoke, was resolutely cheerful. ‘How tedious for you. But she must
have been delighted to have somebody new to expound to. I’m afraid
she receives short shrift if she tries to pontificate here.’

‘
Your family are very loyal,’ he said gently.

Rachel’s look
was almost challenging. ‘Ridiculously so, I suppose you think. As
it happens, so do I. I offered to leave after… after returning to
Thorncroft but Mama and Papa would have none of it.’

‘
It was their decision to make. I doubt they regret
it.’

‘No,’ she
agreed, sounding suddenly subdued. ‘I am sure they do
not.’

Nash felt his chest tighten involuntarily at the pain
beneath the words and had a sudden, absurd desire to offer some
comfort. ‘Miss Sheridan – Rachel – you cannot blame yourself for
their decisions. As a stranger, it is perfectly apparent to me that
you are a close
and loving family. Sending you away would undoubtedly have
been too much to bear. It may have been difficult at the time but
they seem to have come through the experience unbowed.’

‘Very
little manages to bow my parents’ spirits,’ she admitted. ‘I
confess, I was in considerable trepidation when Charlotte and Mama
went up to London for the Season. I was so sure that Charlotte
would have a difficult time of it. But all of her letters seemed to
suggest that nobody was being particularly unkind and then she met
Lord Casterton. I cannot describe how truly delighted I was that
she had met a man who could make her happy. I had thought,’ she
paused for a moment, then sighed. ‘I had thought that I had ruined
such chances for my sisters, you see.’

‘But you did not,’ he returned, trying for a lighter note.
‘And by the time Miss Liza comes to London there will be even less
of a stir, I daresay. You no longer have to feel guilty about
ruining your sisters
’ lives, Rachel. The only life that you have ruined is your
own.’ As soon as the words were out he regretted them. He had not
actually meant to hurt her, not now when she was confiding her
fears for her sisters to him. Her flinch made him feel all the
worse. ‘Rachel, I did not mean -’

She held up a hand to silence him. ‘No,
it is perfectly true.’ Clear
green eyes met his. ‘You might find it difficult to believe, but it
is of considerable comfort to me, that the only one to ultimately
pay the price is myself. It is how it should be, after
all.’

Nash
stared at her, his emotions impossibly tangled, more complicated
than he had ever thought they could be in relation to Rachel
Sheridan. He had fled England because of her and it had been all
too easy to convince himself that his feelings at the time had been
a phantom. But looking at Rachel, his certainty about his recovery
was evaporating like dew beneath a hot summer sky.

‘So this
is to be your world?’ he said slowly. ‘Refuge with family, a shadow
in the background while you look at other people living their
lives?’

Rachel’s small chin rose in a way he was fast becoming
familiar with
, her soft mouth taking on a stubborn line. ‘It is a
perfectly comfortable life. Make no mistake, my lord, I am entirely
sensible to my good fortune in being blessed with such a family. My
life, my future, could have been so much worse,’ she shook her head
wryly. ‘It could have been Wales. If the weather is bad in
Northumberland, it is ten times worse in the Cambrian Mountains,
let me assure you.’

‘
You joke about it.’ He did not know how she could. No
matter how pleasant, how comfortable, this life was, she must know
that she would never be able to go about again, not without Society
whispering, disinterring her past over and over again and holding
it up to the light so that the scandal never died. A soft, sibilant
hiss of disapprobation would always follow her, incensed that she
had the nerve to go about like a respectable woman, when she was
anything but. Charity’s attitude towards her sister-in-law was
extreme but he was prepared to wager that it was far from isolated.
There would always be those females who, bolstered by their own
moral certitude, would continue to be offended that the beautiful
Miss Sheridan had not been, metaphorically speaking, stoned in the
marketplace. Nothing but her complete social isolation would serve,
surely. A hair shirt might be a welcome addition as
well.

Did Rachel
realize yet that this was to be her future? Looking at that
steadfast, beautiful face he rather thought she did.

‘Oh please,’ she
said, as if divining his thoughts. ‘Do not feel
sorry for me Sir. There is no need, I can assure you. I do not feel
sorry for myself and I would be loath to inspire such unnecessary
sentiment in others.’

‘
I had not realized you were so hardy,’ he grimaced. ‘It is not
a term I would ever have applied to the girl I knew in London three
and a half years ago.’

‘I had no
need to be hardy then,’ she returned with a small shrug. ‘My
position in Society sheltered me from any ill wind. But I am no
longer that girl. In many ways, perhaps that is a good thing.
Females are judged by their faces, are they not and I was always
something of a hot house flower. I have learned a great deal about
myself these past years. The girl I once was… well, let’s just say
her flaws were far from attractive. I can only hope that I have
smoothed some of them over.’ An unexpected dimple peeped out. ‘And
will continue to do so, of course. My old governess used to say
that there is always room for improvement so I daresay I have a way
to go.’

The girl that
she once was… Nash, in his overweening self-absorption, had
probably never really focused on the girl Rachel had once been, too
caught up in a lovely face to look beyond. The face was just as
lovely but he was seeing a good deal more of the personality behind
it now. And he admitted that he very much liked the woman he
saw.

‘
I am sorry, Rachel.’

She looked
surprised, then a little troubled. ‘Don’t be. Please. Mama says
that life presents everybody with challenges. It is how we manage
them that determines our own happiness.’ She gave him a doubtful
look. ‘You are the last person I would have expected to… to…’

‘Offer my
sympathy?’ He could see how she was bewildered by his abrupt about
face. It was something they shared in common. Somehow, he was being
transformed from an angry, righteous ex-suitor into a man he did
not quite recognize. Rachel’s work again, without doubt. Exposure
to her vibrant personality seemed to be having an effect on him
once again. Now, he saw her as a woman. It made her no less
desirable. On the contrary…

‘Indeed.
I think the sentiments you expressed to me yesterday
evening were honest enough, were they not?’

He was
silent for a long moment, wondering what to say. In truth, he had
thought he was speaking the truth at the time. His words had come
in a torrent of bitterness, too long shored up. He had thought
those feelings were genuine. But then she had set about schooling
him, determined to make him deal with her. And he had found himself
enjoying it. And they had gone riding and he had to admit, it had
been an enjoyable experience. At some point, the anger he had
carried for so long had begun to dissipate and other feelings were
rushing to fill the void it left behind. He did not care to examine
those feelings too closely at this juncture, although there was no
denying that the urge to take Rachel Sheridan into his arms and
kiss her senseless was still paramount.

‘
I am sorry I said what I did,’ he said finally. ‘It was
completely inappropriate to have done so.’

Rachel
looked at him for a long moment before dropping her eyes to the
book she held in her hands. ‘I had better go and leave you to your
reading. I should see if Mama requires my help, anyway.’ She took a
step towards the door, then stopped again. ‘Thank you,’ she said
abruptly then, with a soft swish of fabric, hurried from the
room.

Nash
looked after her uneasily. None of these gentle exchanges were to
the good and he knew it. He had a proscribed future stretching
before him, an estate to run, a suitable bride to select who would
breed the inevitable heir who would follow in his footsteps. An
unexceptional life that he was determined to live on his
terms.

None of
it involved furthering his acquaintance with the one woman in
England who was unable to share in any such glorious
future.

It had
been a dreadful mistake, coming to Thorncroft but now, instead of
running away, he found that he did not want to leave. He had a
limited amount of time left to be in Rachel’s company and he wanted
more of her.