A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation (20 page)

I looked over at Jordan again. Well, he has a small patch of hair reaching its way up from below his navel that thins out just a little ways above it. There's a term for that I've heard. What was it again? Women like to start off at the top of it and work their way down. Oh, I remember now!

"What?” Jordan opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Highway to heaven!” I announced triumphantly.

"Huh?” He looked confused. “What's highway to heaven?"

"Oh, it's the patch of...” It suddenly dawned on me that I'd said it out loud. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Stupid! “Nothing.” My voice cracked, and I forced a smile on my face that I hoped didn't look too stupid or fake. “I was just thinking...” Why bother explaining? “Nothing. Never mind.” Well, I'd better say something now. “I was just feeling ... I was just looking ... out at the ocean, and this one patch of sky out there reminded me of the opening credit sequence on that show with Michael Landon."

"Oh.” He shrugged. “I thought you were talking about the patch of hair I have from my groin to just above my navel."

I think my eyes grew large and round, but I can't be sure. It felt like I'd been caught doing something I had no business doing, only I doubted Jordan would have minded this particular trespass.

"What did you mean when you said I had questionable taste in men? You never answered me the first time I asked.” He closed his eyes again.

"Right.” Did this constitute putting my foot in my mouth or my entire leg? “I guess I meant that it seems to me you don't have the best luck picking out men. Hell, you came on to me the other night at the party."

Creases appeared in his forehead.

"I just chalked it up to you being either desperate or drunk.” I laughed nervously.

"You have a self-esteem problem,” he informed me.

"No, I'm just in touch with reality.” I fought off a growing need for distance between us again. “I'm aware of my limitations, and it doesn't hurt my feelings to acknowledge that it's a rare occurrence when someone is sanely or soberly interested in me. End of discussion on that topic."

The last thing I wanted him doing was dissecting that part of my life. It didn't mean, however, that I couldn't dissect his.

"Have you dated a lot of guys?"

"Dated? Yes.” He chuckled. “It's not exactly an uncommon occurrence out here, so..."

"So?” I pressed.

"So, this conversation would probably start lean-ing in the direction of gay culture again and you're not exactly comfortable with that subject.” Jordan folded his hands on his chest. “It's all about sex, remember?"

"You're telling me that sex has nothing to do with it?” Did he think I was some kind of an idiot? Then too, based on some of the really stupid things I'd said to him in the past three days, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he
did
think I was a total idiot—or at least a bit on the moronic side.

"Sure it does, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't, but it isn't
just
sex.” He sat up on his elbows now and addressed me. “It's also about self-identity, identity within the larger society, the right to have a philosophy that differs from the majority and the right to tolerance of that philosophy and self from the majority—the right to be who one really is."

"And the right for men to dress up in women's clothes and act like women? The right to lust after children? The right to pursue and use any means necessary to seduce those who may not feel the same way?"

It was harsh, but it was an argument I'd never heard played out from a gay viewpoint before. Besides, I wanted to know. Some part of me
needed
to know.

"Haven't you heard anything I've just been telling you?” Jordan's face was red with anger. “Do you have any idea how often people have thrown those same accusations at me? My parents said the same things."

I didn't know if he was going to finish or not. Finally, he continued.

"If men want to dress up like women, so what? Is it harming you in any way? Are they calling you on the phone or showing up on your porch asking you to join in? I've never done that. Does that mean I'm no longer allowed to be gay? I don't think so, Andy.” He was really getting red in the face. Maybe I should have brought these things up to him a different way. “And try this one. Did you know that the majority of child molesters are
hetero
sexual? It's a statistical fact. I've certainly never tried to take advantage of a minor in my twenty-two years of life, even when I was a minor, but I've heard about it being done. Do I agree with it? Absolutely not! That's not the kind of person I am.

"And as for seducing people, there's as much seduction going on in the straight bars as there is in any gay bar I've ever been to. Men can be assholes no matter what their sexual orientation is, so sometimes the word no doesn't work in any bar or situation in life. And ... And..."

And? And what? Why had he stopped?

Jordan's attention was suddenly somewhere else, somewhere toward the main area of the beach behind me. I turned and saw three young women in bikinis walking toward us, one of them occasionally pointing our way and saying something to the others. What the hell was this all about?

It seemed Jordan didn't know, either, which is why he apparently thought it best to save whatever else it was he intended to say until later. I thought at first maybe it was a friend of his, either from school or from his summer job, but I changed my mind. I sure as heck didn't recognize them, though I can say I wouldn't have minded if I had.

They finally got close enough to have a normal conversation without shouting.

"Hi!” the one in the middle, petite and extremely attractive, greeted me. I was at a total loss why she would be talking to me let alone being pleasant. “You probably don't remember me from the other night."

"Are you sure you have the right person?” I figured she had to be confusing me with somebody else. If I'd been with her “the other night,” I'm sure I would have remembered it.

"Oh, yeah.” she replied enthusiastically. “I-I didn't mean to interrupt you and your friend or anything."

Why did she seem so nervous, like I was a movie actor or someone important like that?

"My name's Angela, and I just wanted to say that I loved your show! I've been telling all my friends about it.” She motioned to the two girls on either side of her. Both were equally good-looking and worthy of any male's attention.

"My show?” Now I was really confused.

"The other night at the Ambassador, when you sang ‘Touch Me’ and ‘Boom Boom.’”

"Oh, that show.” This could only happen to me. Of all the beaches in the LA area, I had to run into someone who saw me give a performance I couldn't remember at a bar I couldn't recall on a night I had no recollection of. Just as long as she didn't bring up the other part of my show ... “Well, thank you.” I hoped she would go away now. While I enjoyed the attention of beautiful women, I didn't enjoy this kind of attention. “I can't imagine my singing was very good, but then, I was a bit intoxicated."

"The singing wasn't as bad as you think.” Angela sounded quite impressed. “You had a lot of energy on the stage, and the crowd really felt it. I know I did."

Okay, she'd made her point and could leave any time now.

"Especially when you showed that ass of yours! It was like ‘Oh. My, God!’ I just wanted to reach up and grab it!” The other two girls giggled. “I don't want to embarrass you..."

"Perish the thought.” Gee, it was already a bit late for that.

How in the hell was I ever going to grow as a person with reminders of just how immature I could be popping up and hindering me? I wondered what Jordan thought about all of this. He was staying rather quiet, but I couldn't find an excuse to turn around and gauge his expression and see if he was amused, indifferent or embarrassed, like I was. Why he would be embarrassed I had no idea, but he could at least fake it for my sake.

"I just wanted to tell you how much I liked what you did up there and how gorgeous an ass you have."

Before I had a chance to respond to her state-ment, another voice joined the conversation.

"I hear his ass is nothing compared to his front,” Jordan chimed in. God help him when the girls were gone because I was going to kill him!

"I'll bet. Well ... bye.” Angela looked me over once more before turning around and starting back the way they had come. I was still too shocked at what Jordan had said to return the farewell.

One of Angela's friends would sneak a glance back at me every once in a while. What they were expecting to see, and why people in this state constantly looked everyone else over I'll never know. I just hoped they didn't think I was going to give them a free peepshow because I was too damn busy planning a homicide!

"Nothing compared to my
front
?” I turned and glared at him. “Thanks for your input. I'm sure I couldn't have handled those women without you."

I shook my head, still finding it hard to believe he'd said that.

Jordan was once again very amused at my expense.

"Just where did you get an idea like that, anyway? No, wait! I don't want to know."

He stood up and walked a little ways out into the water, still grinning from ear to ear.

"And you can quit grinning!"

That only made him laugh.

"How would you like it if I dragged you out into the water and dunked it off?"

"Anytime you're feeling froggy...” He could hardly stop laughing long enough to talk. “...just jump.” He obviously didn't fear any reprisal from me whatsoever.

"Ribbit!” I yelled and, with a short running start, tackled him in the water. Both of us went down with a splash, but he was the only one surprised by my sudden move.

Well, maybe I was, too. I'd been looking at him for the past two days and wondering, in some human-contact kind of way, what it would be like to touch him. I never thought it would happen unless he tried another stunt like he did at the anniversary party, but here we were and here it was happening.

"You little son of a...” He recovered quickly—too quickly for my taste. I wasn't quite ready for round two yet.

"I've been called more names than I care to admit.” I tried to stand, but the undertow was making it damn difficult. “Many of them unre-peatable.” I almost had it. “But I've never been called ‘little.’”

I lost. He shouted a short war cry and pounced. My head went under, and I took in my first mouthful of ocean water. Whatever expectations I'd come up with about it, they were entirely blown. This wasn't the slightly chlorine-tasting clear water found in swimming pools across America. It was some of the nastiest, saltiest, most disgusting liquid I'd ever had the displeasure to have in my mouth. It even beat the liquid form of penicillin I was forced to take as a child when I came down with bronchitis every winter. I didn't think anything could beat that ... until now.

My head came up, and I spat out all the water I hadn't swallowed. I couldn't see, but I heard him laughing. Not a problem. I reached out in one swift motion and pulled his feet from under him.

Jordan went over backwards, and his audible laugh became a series of bubbles that floated up to the surface.

Even though I had a bit more time to right myself, playing in the ocean was something he'd grown up with and his response time was better than mine. We ended in a face-off, both of us laughing so hard we could barely manage to fight the constant pull from the ocean.

"Truce?” I asked.

"I don't know.” He wiped some water off his forehead before it could get into his eyes. “Were we having a moment?"

"If so, you must have had yours in private underwater,” I sniped.

"Well...” He raised an eyebrow. “At least now I know what you'd look like in a wet T-shirt contest."

"Yeah, that's been one of life's biggest unsolved mysteries until now.” I had an idea. “At least I'm not the one with the erection now."

A look of panic appeared on his face, and by the time he looked down to confirm what I'd told him, it was too late. I threw myself at him one last time and knocked him back into the water. Unfor-tunately, he wrapped his arms around my chest, and I was forced to pull him back up again if I wanted to breathe.

"Wow.” My voice had grown soft. “You're gullible, too."

"Wow is right,” came the reply, just as softly.

If he didn't unwrap himself from my body, one of us would be having a claustrophobic bathing suit in a moment. I don't think that would have bothered him in the least. In fact, he seemed perfectly comfortable with the way our bodies were inter-twined.

I don't know if I was comfortable with it or not. Maybe this is what he meant by having a moment, but it was one I couldn't share in his way. In my eyes, Jordan had years of interpreting this kind of closeness in a language I couldn't speak.

Instead of following whatever natural impulses he was feeling, he let me decide the outcome. It meant a great deal to me that he respected me enough to not do something rash and risk the friendship we were building. Whatever he was hoping for, I doubted I could give it to him.

No, I
knew
I wouldn't give it to him because that wasn't who I was.

He must have seen the confusion on my face and read my resolution because he suddenly released his grip and fell back into the water. I extended my hand, helped him up and together we started back for the car.

Neither of us spoke as we dried off, but I think that was because we were busy talking to ourselves. His conversation was one I would rather have been privy to than the one trying to make itself heard in my head. It really sucked that the one person I could identify with and relate to was someone I was...

What? I think that was the part of the conver-sation I didn't want to explore, and shut the voice out before it could speak any further. Doing that was practically second nature to me now.

It was during the ride home that things really began to become uncomfortable. No matter how I sat or which side of my rear end I favored, it felt like there was sandpaper down there, and it was driving me nuts. To make matters worse, the more I wiggled, however nonchalantly, the more the irritation spread. Before long, it was in the absolute worst area, and that really made me uncom-fortable. What the hell was it? A fish? Seaweed? Considering what the water tasted like, there was no telling what the hell was breeding in that water.