A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation (7 page)

Being from Michigan, Grandma and I were extremely finicky about our environment. During the winter, we both had to have heat. In the summer, it was the opposite. Her brother was only accustomed to heat year-round, so it really didn't bother him like it did us. I was uncomfortable to begin with, but the lack of cool air was making me sweat all the more. If something didn't happen soon, I was going to end up a sweaty, smelly, wrinkled heap by the time we reached the party.

I would have suggested that Uncle Chester press the button for the hell of it, but he would no more listen to me than his own sister. In fact, he would probably be even more condescending to me than her, and I really didn't want to go that route.

Grandma was apparently so uncomfortable by now she was willing to risk ignoring her brother and take a course of action that would alleviate her discomfort. Mimicking a stretch, she extended her arms and tapped lightly on the right side of my head, out of view of Uncle Chester. I gave her a dirty look in the side mirror and mouthed the word
What?
She nonchalantly raised a finger and made pushing motions with it.

I couldn't believe it! Grandma actually expected me to push the button since her brother wouldn't. Little did she know that I would love to do just that but was enjoying her discomfort too much to take her request seriously. Misery loved company. I was plenty miserable and so was she, so I shook my head, essentially telling her to stuff it.

She smacked my head with such a force Uncle Chester looked over at me to see what had happened. I had to think of something fast.

"Look!” I motioned with my head towards everyone's left. “Isn't that Johnny Carson?” Three heads whipped around to catch a glimpse of the almighty, and I used what few seconds I had to give the A/C button one quick, concise jab. Contact!

The little letters were suddenly lit in blue, and I could feel the first few drafts of the freon-cooled air blowing across my skin. Uncle Chester turned back around to make sure he wasn't going off the side of the road then took another quick glance.

"Oh, you must have missed him. Probably some yuppie driving him faster than they should be going.” I took a look in the mirror and saw the half-smile on Grandma's face. She knew and approved, even if she couldn't remember my name.

"Tell me, Angus.” Uncle Chester attempted small talk. “What do they teach you in that school out there? Anything good?"

"I'm still getting my general core classes out of the way. You know—like history, math and chemistry—but I should be able to start courses for my major next winter.” Why the sudden interest in my education? Did it raise me up a few levels in his eyes, or was he about to try and pay me back for that yuppie wisecrack?

"Well...” He shook his head. “I don't know what good knowing chemistry will do you when you start farming.” He then proceeded to make little clicking noises with his tongue to emphasize his feelings on the matter.

"Farming?” I was stumped.

"You
are
from Michigan,” he told me, as if point-ing out to a child that the sky was blue.

"That doesn't ... I mean...” Yeah? “I'm not going to be a farmer."

"What's wrong with farmers?” Uncle Chester demanded.

"There's nothing wrong with farmers.” Here was where I came across as defensive.

"Then why don't you like them?” And here was where he turned the conversation around even worse than it already was.

"I never said that.” I tried to find the happy place inside my mind. “I just said that I'm not going to be one. My parents didn't spend hundreds of dollars for a chemistry class so I could put Avogadro's number to use on a farm."

"Not unless you're growing Avogadros,” he persisted in a sarcastic singsong tone.

"That's avo
cados
."

"You say tomato...” Uncle Chester wasn't about to back down.

"Yes, but Avogadro was a chemist and an avocado is a fruit.” So was my great-uncle.

"And so are you if you believe all that stuff they tell you.” Okay, apparently, we were both fruits. There's nothing quite like family to point out all of your supposed faults. “You getting a load of this, Hotdog?” He looked up into the mirror to make sure she was, indeed, “getting this” then peered back over at me. “You going to be a ditchdigger, then?"

"No."

"Got a thing against them, too, huh?” Again came the disapproving tsking noises. “Doesn't like farmers or ditchdiggers. How does your girlfriend put up with all your prejudices?"

"He doesn't have one."

Oh,
now
Grandma remembers something about me. She couldn't recall my name, but she knew I didn't have a girlfriend. If there was any justice in this world...

"You don't have a
girlfriend
?” Here we went again. “You're not one of those—"

"
No
, I'm not one of
those
.” Whatever the hell “those” actually were. God only knew, considering I was dealing with
his
mind.

"Well, I'm glad we got that out in the open.” Uncle Chester actually sounded relieved. “Don't think Virginia and I haven't heard what goes on out there with those farm animals on a lonely Friday and Saturday night. We watch
Twenty/Twenty
."

"That's udderly ridiculous,” I quipped.

"Are you calling Barbara Walters a liar?” He was riled up again as quickly as he'd settled down.

"No.” I tried to get him back to his happy place. “I just made a pun. I used
udder
instead of
utter
. It was a joke."

"Does this look like a face that's laughing, Anton?"

It didn't.

"No, you're right.” It was pointless to even try to defend myself. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made light of it."

"Because those animals have rights!” He smacked the dashboard with his hand.

"Oh, my God."

The four of us arrived at the party some time and many bumps later. At least, we were much cooler than we had been at the beginning. It didn't even bother me that Uncle Chester kept rubbing it in to Grandma that he was right and that it just took the air conditioner a little while to warm up. I was just relieved he wasn't picking on me anymore. Hell, I don't even think she cared. In fact, I'm pretty sure she just tuned him out for the remaining part of the journey.

That seemed to be a family trait on my grandmother's side. If something didn't agree with them, they ignored it, maybe hoping it will shut up or go away.

I got out of the car and, after Grandma emerged from the backseat, replaced my suitcase in the front. Luckily, I had worn pants that didn't wrinkle too easily so I didn't look as bad as I'd thought I was going to. I did have trouble standing up straight after having the suitcase sitting on my crotch the entire time.

The first thing I noticed was the lack of other cars parked on the street with us. I would have thought that, for a fiftieth wedding anniversary, there would have been more people. Maybe we were early.

"This doesn't look right.” Grandma spoke up as she looked around. “Chester, are you sure this is the right place? I don't recognize any of the houses, and I don't see any other cars."

"Oh,” he teased her, “it's just down the street this way."

Grandma and I shared a sideways look, but Aunt Virginia had already started following him so we did, too. I wondered if my poor aunt ever spoke. For that matter, I wondered if she ever had an opportunity to speak. Uncle Chester seemed to have enough to say for both of them. Generally speaking, he was generally speaking.

He turned around after every block we passed and assured us we were going in the right direction. After five blocks, I could tell Grandma was getting a little nervous and was starting to doubt her brother's memory. I'd already been doubting a great deal more than that.

"Are you sure you know where you're going?” Grandma had just about had enough guessing.

"It's only another two blocks. I just didn't want to park the car too close. We'll have an easier time getting out of the subdivision if we aren't all blocked in and waiting in line. I also hate putting that beauty in with all the other cars. I'm always afraid someone will try and take off with it."

Uncle Chester laughed heartily and then lowered his voice. “Uh, Hotdog, you may want to tell Abner there to quit walking so funny. I'm sure Chad and Richard are going to be at the party.” He rolled his eyes. “They've never passed up an opportunity to flaunt themselves ... and I don't think he'll want to give his cousins the wrong idea, especially since he doesn't have a girlfriend. It's bad enough what they do
outside
the family, so I think if we can avoid any additional unnecessary scenes, we should try to do so."

He gave me a piteous look and turned back around.

"Chad and Richard?” I'd never heard of these cousins. Who the hell were they, and why had Uncle Chester spoken about them with such distaste? I looked at Grandma. “What is he talking about? Flaunt what?"

"Well...” She looked uncomfortable. “...some people don't always follow in the footsteps that are best for them in life. There are a few cousins you have who will be here tonight who are like that. Sometimes...” She paused. “...they choose to ignore the morals their parents, teachers and ministers have tried to instill in them and instead go down a more ... sinful path."

"Oh.” I sighed in relief. That was no big deal! For crying out loud ... “Why didn't you just say there were going to be politicians there?"

"Um...” She and Uncle Chester exchanged wor-ried glances. “Not politicians.” Grandma let her brother and his wife get a ways ahead of us then drew me closer to her and whispered in my ear. “Homosexuals."

"In California?” Was she kidding? I'd never ac-tually thought to wonder where they lived before, but this was a bit of a surprise. What was the attraction to this state? Something else occurred to me—if they were in California, then they could be anywhere. Alaska. Hawaii. The Virgin Islands. Cincinnati. I wondered if there were any in Michigan. Did I know any? I might not have even known about my cousins if Uncle Chester hadn't said something. Shit! That meant they could also be anyone, and I might not be able to tell the difference.

"Well, what should I do?” My face suddenly felt very warm and my palms were sweating.

"For starters...” Grandma grabbed my shoulders and forced me to stand up straight. “...quit slouch-ing. I never understood why you had such bad posture."

"How about...” I stared up at the sky and then back down at her in a rather dramatic manner. “...because Uncle Chester smashed my testicles with my suitcase and then repeatedly hit bumps all the way here? I know you don't have testicles, but maybe you can imagine how that felt. I'll clue you in—
painful
! It was so severe in the beginning I figured I'd have to wait a few days if I'd been planning on making any babies. After the first half-hour, though, it all went numb. And you know what? It's
still
numb. Despite being a clever insult, numb nuts are not a good thing."

Grandma didn't quite know what to say. It had probably been a long time since she'd seen a pair of testicles, but I was certain she could remember what they looked like and imagine the pain involved in what I had just been through.

As far as I was concerned, this was the last straw. Her finger-snapping-while-I-walked-two-steps-behind days were over! I didn't put up with this from my parents, so I wasn't about to put up with it from her. There were bigger fish to look out for, mainly the homosexuals. They shouldn't be too difficult to spot, so all I had to do was keep my distance. I could handle this.

"Are you okay?” Grandma meekly asked me.

"Better.” I attempted to sound a bit more cheery while easing a cramp from standing up straight. “Now, come on. Uncle Chester and Aunt Virginia are waiting for us."

Grandma took my arm, and we rejoined her brother and his wife. The four of us walked together up a long winding driveway lined with limos, a few Lotuses, a brand-new Grand Prix or two and some shiny new test car I'd never seen before. I took it these were the cars Uncle Chester was concerned about. It was so obvious what an eyesore they would have looked like next to his economy vehicle.

Old people
do
think the strangest thoughts.

I wondered which ones the homosexuals drove. There weren't any outlandish colors or frilly decor on any of the interiors that I could see. Maybe they'd parked a mile away and walked, like we did.

It was a mystery that wouldn't soon be solved, since I had no intention of asking about it. No, thank you! This straight boy was his own woman ... or something like that. As long as I talked and thought in the most masculine of ways—specifically, having something to do with sports—my cousins shouldn't even come near me.

"Chester, Virgy, Lizzy!” a shrill female voice shouted out. “Come in! Oh, my God, you look so great!” A woman, probably in her fifties, flew out the front door and gave Uncle Chester a huge hug. She then tenderly shook Aunt Virginia's hand and looked at Grandma. “Oh, Lizzy, it's been years.” She and Grandma hugged. “I'm so glad you came. Leon is going to be so thrilled that you flew in to see us!"

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world!” Grandma hugged her again, and I could see that her eyes were tearing up. It really was a sweet moment to watch, and I naturally assumed that this woman, who had more energy than anyone half her age, was undoubtedly my aunt Carma. God, I wanted to hug her, too! The spirit of the affair was really taking a hold of me.

Aunt Carma turned and looked at me a moment after they parted, and one of the most gracious expressions I think I've ever seen appeared on her face. This woman was radiating beauty and energy in a way I had never seen before. It was as if pure grace and class flowed through her instead of blood. This was where I belonged. This was my family.

Finally, at long last, she started to speak to me, and I longed to hear her welcome me to her home and invite me in to celebrate with them on this special occasion.

"You must be the hired boy."

"What?"

I had absolutely no idea what to say to that. Because I didn't have wrinkles or age lines I was suddenly the hired help? I know this woman had pictures of me somewhere that Mom had sent in Christmas cards over the years.