A Good Man (3 page)

“Your bio doesn’t answer these kinds of questions. Promise me you’ll answer them.”

“I promise.”

“And promise you’ll consider this opportunity carefully.”

“Carefully and prayerfully.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.” Click.

That was rude.

Sonya booted up her laptop, which was always waiting a foot away from her on the lounge chair next to the couch, and got on Mozilla Firefox, her favorite Web browser because it was uncomplicated. In moments, she was staring at:

To see if you qualify for Hunk or Punk, answer the questions on each page.

Question 1: How tall are you?

Five-seven. That was in my bio.

What is your hair color?

Black with a few mean grays. I am so tired of plucking them, and they’re right at my hairline, too.

What is your eye color?

Hazel. It isn’t light brown. It’s true hazel.

What is your ethnicity?

African? African American? Caribbean? All three? But I can only mark one. African American.

What is your body type?

Athletic? Yeah, right. Lean muscle? Not as lean as it was ten years ago. I guess I’m “Slim.” But where’s “Thick” or “Big-boned” or “Stacked”? I thought they wanted a black woman for this show.

What “body apparel” do you have?

As a freshman at the University of Houston, I added a tiny cougar cub tattoo to my arm. It’s faded to a birthmark-looking thing now. I have pierced ears but nothing else. I am so not the right person to be a Nubian princess.

Thank you for your time. Please attach a recent photo and type a daytime telephone number in the box below. Click the “Make Me Famous!” button below to submit your answers, photo, and phone number.

Michelle already gave them my picture and I am not giving out my e-mail address.

Sonya hit the “Make Me Famous!” button, the screen went blank, and then she saw:

Thank you for your time. Please attach a recent photo and type a daytime telephone number in the box below. Click the “Make Me Famous!” button below to submit your answers, photo, and phone number.

“I don’t have a recent picture, and you can’t have my e-mail address,” she said to the screen.

She clicked the button again.

Thank you for your time. Please attach a recent photo and type a daytime telephone number in the box below. Click the “Make Me Famous!” button below to submit your answers, photo, and phone number.

“Geez.” She sighed, and then she smiled. “A recent photo. They don’t specify what kind of photo.” She browsed the Web until she found a cute baby cougar, right clicking and saving it to her hard drive. She typed “[email protected]” and “1-800-000-0000,” attached the baby cougar, and hit the “Make Me Famous!” button.

Thank you for submitting your answers. We will contact you if you’ve made the cut.

Don’t call us, we’ll call you. She laughed. I don’t know how.

On a whim, she checked her e-mail in-box and found a message from WB:

Congratulations, Sonya Richardson! You are a finalist for Hunk or Punk!

What? I didn’t even give my correct e-mail address! And so soon? They are seriously desperate.

She checked the time on the e-mail. Were they sitting there waiting for my answers to arrive in LA? They only had about a minute to look at my answers. Creepy. But how’d they know it was me? I shouldn’t have sent the baby cougar. That was a dead giveaway.

Please click below to view our eligibility requirements.

Sonya clicked, and another Web page opened on the screen.

All applicants must sign statements acknowledging that they have read, understand, and will comply with all of the eligibility requirements of Hunk or Punk:

1. Employees, officers, directors, and agents of …

That is a long list of companies. It’s a wonder anyone in California can even go on these kinds of shows. I’ve only ever had one employer in my entire life, and that was the Houston Comets, and they don’t even exist anymore.

2. Applicants may not presently be a candidate for any type of political office and may not become a candidate from the time the application is submitted until one year after first broadcast of the last episode of Hunk or Punk.

So if I wanted to be president, I couldn’t run right away because I was on this show? That sounds un-American. This must be another part of the Arnold Schwarzenegger rule.

3. All applicants must be U.S. citizens or resident aliens living in the U.S. or foreign citizens who can travel without restrictions to and from the U.S. and have a passport valid for one year following the submission of the application and must be able to obtain any visas and/or documentation required to travel without restrictions to and from the U.S.

I know my passport is in this house somewhere. I haven’t used it since the Sydney Olympics. I looked young in that passport picture, too.

4. All applicants must be at least twenty-one years of age.

I’m forty. Wait a minute. They wanted people twenty-five to forty, but everyone has to be at least twenty-one? You mean there may be some guys younger than twenty-five trying to pass for twenty-five? Geez, I will be as old as some of their mamas!

5. All applicants must be single and not currently involved in a committed intimate relationship, which includes: any marital relationship (whether or not the parties are separated or currently in the process of divorcing or annulling such marriage); any cohabitation relationship involving physical intimacy; or a monogamous dating relationship more than two months in duration.

I definitely qualify there. I’ve been single all my life. At least they can’t drag any of my old boyfriends onto the show to talk smack to me or dish any dirt about me. Unless they fly in Archie from China.

Sonya shuddered. God, keep Archie in China, okay?

6. Applicants must never have been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor or ever had a restraining order entered against them, either of which were based in whole or in part on the commission of one or more acts involving moral turpitude or violence, as defined by the producer.

Maybe that’s why they can’t find any true divas to do this show. “Moral turpitude” … “restraining order” … “violence.” But this means my suitors, no matter how hardcore they look or act, are going to be a group of squeaky-clean men. Fakin’ the funk, that’s all it is. Maybe I am the right person for this show.

7. All applicants understand that participation in Hunk or Punk may expose applicant to the risk of death, serious injury, illness, or disease, and/or property damage.

Death? Illness? Disease? Property damage? Romance can be that dangerous? Lord Jesus, thank You for sparing me all that so far. Oh, WB, you make it sound so fun. Sign me up right now!

Applicants must also be willing and able to participate in physical activities such as skydiving, snow skiing, ice-skating, parasailing, water skiing, and Rollerblading.

That is definitely not a list for women of color. I’ve never done any of these things. I may have gone roller-skating twice in my life. Snow skiing? Please! Paying hundreds of dollars to go rushing down an icy mountain at eighty miles an hour and ending up wrapped around a tree is not my idea of a good time. I ain’t that crazy. Skydiving might be fun—once.

8. Each applicant understands that the producer may disclose any information contained within her application to third persons connected with Hunk or Punk and to compile information about applicant’s private, personal, and public life, personal relationships with third persons, confidences and secrets with family, friends, significant others, including without limitation: physical appearance; personal characteristics/habits; medical treatment/history; sexual history; educational and employment history; military history; criminal investigations, charges, and records; personal views and opinions about life, the world, politics, and religion.

What could they find? My lifetime stats? Boring. Maybe the specific shoes I wore for Nike. A knee injury that sidelined me for five games and keeps me limping around on cold days now. I usually keep my opinions to myself. I’ve been a member of St. Mark AME over in Pineville for eight years. There’s really nothing that they could ever find that—

Sonya lost feeling in her hands.

No. That’s … No. That was a long time ago. They couldn’t find out about that. Only two living people know about that, and I’m one of them.

She said a quick prayer and continued reading.

9. Each applicant understands that if chosen as a Nubian princess on Hunk or Punk, she may be audio-and/or videotaped twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, by means of open and hidden cameras, whether or not she is then aware that she is being videotaped or recorded, and that such recordings may be disseminated on television and/or all media now known or hereafter devised, in any and all manner throughout the universe in perpetuity.

The universe? Who are they kidding? As if we’re going to mail boxed sets of the show to another galaxy to market reality TV. Then the aliens will know for sure that there’s no intelligent life on this planet. I used to be on camera all the time. I was watched by millions during the Olympics, but I don’t miss that kind of attention at all.

10. Applicants understand that use or revelation of personal information and recordings may be embarrassing, unfavorable, humiliating, and/or derogatory, and/ or may portray them in a false light. Each applicant agrees to release, discharge, and hold harmless WB from any and all claims, including claims for slander, libel, defamation, violation of rights of privacy, publicity, personality, and/or civil rights, depiction in a false light, intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress, copyright infringement, and/or any other tort and/or damages arising from or in any way relating to the submission of an application, participation in the selection process, participation in Hunk or Punk, the use of the personal information or recordings, and/or the use of the applicant’s name, voice, and/or likeness in connection with Hunk or Punk, or the promotion thereof in all media now known or hereafter devised.

Way to cover thy backside, WB. How could they portray me as anything but what I am? I am what I am. And if they even attempted to humiliate me, I’d walk out. I mean, unless they found out about … No. That was over a quarter century ago. Long past history, and those records are sealed. And they better stay sealed.

11. Any applicant who has appeared on any primetime television reality show such as Survivor, Big Brother, The Apprentice, elimiDate, The Amazing Race, American Idol, Extreme Makeover, America’s Next Top Model, Rock of Love, The Real World, Make Me a Supermodel, etc…. or is involved in the current production of any such television show must disclose such information in her application and may, at the producer’s sole discretion, be deemed ineligible to participate in Hunk or Punk.

I have heard there are people out there who make a profession of being on reality TV. That’s scary. I’d get worn out saying, “Look at me!” all the time. They must be too afraid to live their lives outside of the spotlight. That’s so sad. Their lives only have meaning if they can rewind it and relive it. Do I really want to join them? I suppose if I do find the man of my dreams, it would make telling people how we met much easier. “Wanna know how we met? Pop in that DVD and fire up some popcorn.”

12. All applicants must authorize the producer to conduct a background check, which may include a credit check, a military records check, a criminal arrest and/or conviction check, a civil litigation check, a family court litigation check, interviews with employers, neighbors, teachers,
etc.

Who could they talk to? All my coaches? They’d only have good things to say. I played the game, and I played the game the right way at all times. I practiced hard, made all the right sacrifices, and stayed true to the game. I respected the game. My teachers in high school would have good things to say, too, even my professors. I earned that degree in business administration. I wasn’t one of those scholarship athletes who used her star status as an excuse not to do assignments or go to class. But would the producers go back to when I was a teenager, too? They don’t seem that thorough, I mean, they’re pretty much accepting me sight unseen from the jump.

13. An applicant who is selected as the Nubian princess may be required to undergo physical and psychological examinations and testing and meet all physical and psychological requirements as set by the producer.

They give psych evaluations, too? Let’s see. First question: “Do you want to be on this show?” Oh, yes! “Then you’re crazy.” If I pursue this thing to its completion, I just might become crazy.

14. The Nubian princess must be available to travel and participate in Hunk or Punk for selected days over a six-month period for one year following the submission of the application, and to participate in taping additional materials and in promotional activities for selected days thereafter upon the producer’s request.

Huh? “Selected days over a six-month period for one year.” That makes no sense whatsoever. Does it mean that about half of my time I’ll be taped? They better not put cameras in my bathroom and bedroom. What is my business is nobody’s business, no matter what the contract says.

15. A Nubian princess must agree to live, participate, and cooperate with the other individuals and the producer during the taping of Hunk or Punk. A Nubian princess must be able to travel for long periods of time, be adaptable to various living situations, and enjoy participating and living in close proximity with others of varied background and experience.

I traveled for four years with my college team and ten years with my pro team. If I can survive a dozen women on long road trips for a total of fourteen years straight, I can survive anything. But a house full of men? Yuck. So what if they’re hot men. Still yuck. A normal man makes a mess. A hot man would make a hot mess. And if they’re younger, hot men, I’ll probably be picking up their drawers. More yuck.

16. Applicants understand that the eligibility requirements may be changed, modified, or amended by the producer in its sole discretion from time to time.