A Hallowed Place (30 page)

‘Don’t I?’ Leo gazed at the fire.

‘I still love you. In spite of everything, I find I do. I could help you, whatever the trouble is. I really think I could.’

He turned to look at her. She sat like a Madonna, absently stroking Oliver’s hair, her beautiful eyes fixed on Leo’s face. He saw that Oliver had fallen asleep, his small face slack against Rachel’s body. ‘What about Charles?’

Rachel bent her head. ‘I’m not saying that I don’t love Charles. I do. He’s kind and very supportive, and he looks after me. Of course I love him. But if it meant that you and Oliver and I could be together—’

‘It’s not possible,’ said Leo suddenly. ‘For any number of reasons.’ He sighed, glancing away from Rachel, not wanting to see that look on her face, that look of humility and patience and hope. ‘First of all, I’ve done you far too much damage already. I don’t know if it’s some sort of pattern programmed into you, but you mustn’t keep coming back for more pain and rejection. That’s what would happen. I don’t want to sound brutal, but you know it’s true. I tried to tell you before we got married. You’ve found it all out for yourself. Why should you want to come back for more?’

‘I love you. And I love Oliver.’

‘You hate me. You must. What if I were to tell you that if Joshua were to walk through that door right now, I’d go to him? Without hesitation, without thought, I’d go to him.’ Rachel said nothing. ‘There are other reasons why it’s not possible. You need a family. You’ve just lost your mother. Don’t you think that might have something to do with the way you’re feeling? I can’t give you any of that. Tell me, how often do you see Charles’s sister and her family?’

‘Quite often. Oliver sometimes plays with Lottie, Charles’s niece. She’s three.’

‘And Charles has grown-up children. I remember you telling me that you get on well with them.’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s a family, Rachel. Charles can give you something I never could. He can give you and Oliver security and love. It’s what you need, now more than ever. Not more uncertainty and deception and unhappiness. Because that’s what you’re asking for in me.’

Rachel was silent for a moment, beaten down by Leo’s arguments. Then she lifted her eyes and looked at him curiously. ‘You don’t think much of yourself, do you?’

‘No,’ replied Leo, ‘I don’t. In many respects I think I’m a failure. The one thing I wanted to succeed at - being a father to Oliver - looks like eluding me, too.’ He sighed and stood up. ‘I’ll go and put Oliver’s things together. You should be heading back before it gets too late.’

He left the room. Rachel sat gazing at the fire, cradling Oliver’s small, inert body, knowing that it was the last time she would ever offer herself to Leo. Certain things between them had been dead for a long time, if they had ever been alive in the first place. She saw that now, suddenly and clearly, and she wished with all her might that Charles were not away.

On Monday, Felicity recounted her woes of the weekend to Henry. ‘They’ve charged Vince with GBH. The bloke he did over is still in hospital and he’s critical. Oh, God, Henry,’ she groaned, ‘why does he always have to mess it up? Every bloody time, he screws it up. If he goes down, that’s the end of his chances of getting his black cab licence. And then what’s he going to do? I had my hopes pinned on him getting his knowledge. Now what chance has he got of making a living? He’s good for eff-all, is Vince.’

Jeremy strode into the clerks’ room. ‘Why didn’t anybody tell me that hearing date had been changed? Everything’s going to hell around here. First Leo walks out, I get landed with half his work—’ He grabbed a brief out of the basket. ‘I’ve been waiting for this! Why didn’t you
tell me it had come in? And why can’t you start chasing up some of my fee notes? I’ve got a tax bill the size of a third world country’s debt. I don’t know how you two run things. Place is a madhouse.’ He strode out again, and Felicity and Henry snorted with laughter.

‘You should be glad you’re leaving,’ observed Henry. ‘I sometimes wonder why I stay.’

‘Oh, Henry! Don’t remind me. How do you think it’s going to be when I’m out of a job, with a new baby, and Vince has got no work?’

‘True,’ agreed Henry miserably, wishing that there were a way of making his fantasy - the one in which Felicity left Vince because she found herself deeply in love with Henry and couldn’t live without him - a reality. Some chance. It seemed Felicity would stick with her beloved Vince, no matter what. ‘Don’t worry. It’ll all work out,’ he said mournfully.

Camilla came downstairs. ‘I’m just going over to Crown Office Row. I’ll only be ten minutes. If John Sharpies calls, tell him I’ll call him back.’

‘Okay,’ said Henry.

Camilla crossed Caper Court in the autumn sunshine, brooding on Anthony. The hurt of his casual betrayal of her while she was away had lessened over the last few days, but it had left in its wake a new understanding of the kind of person Anthony was, or was capable of being. She still felt as much for him as she had ever done, so much so that she was prepared to forgive him and let things go on as before, but she realised that the incident had brought about a certain shift in the balance of their relationship. An element of trust had gone. Anthony kept saying how sorry
he was, in a way that rather puzzled Camilla, as though it was something everyone did now and again, as though he had a right to be forgiven.

Sarah was crossing Fountain Court when she saw Camilla coming out of Caper Court. She quickened her stride so that the two of them fell into step walking down Middle Temple Lane.

‘Hi,’ said Sarah with a smile. ‘Off to a con?’ Camilla marvelled at her falseness. How could she be so friendly after what she had done? No doubt she imagined that it was a safe little secret between herself and Anthony. That would explain her wonderfully smug smile. Sarah liked to be in the ascendant, behaving in that cool, knowing fashion which had so intimidated Camilla when they had been students at Oxford together.

‘No, I’m dropping some papers off,’ replied Camilla, her manner chilly.

‘I’m just off to the library.’ They turned the corner into Crown Office Row, walking in silence. ‘Everything all right between you and Anthony?’ asked Sarah, with an air of interested innocence.

Camilla stopped and turned to look at her. ‘Why do you ask? You really seem unduly interested in how things are between myself and Anthony. It may interest you to know that whatever damage you tried to do while I was away hasn’t had much effect. I know exactly what happened.’

Sarah flicked her blonde hair back from her shoulders. So Anthony had felt obliged to confess, had he? She had calculated that his simple conscience would eventually get the better of him. But how much had he really told
Camilla? Not everything, clearly. Sarah’s smile broadened. ‘Do you? You must be remarkably forgiving, in that case. It was really a rather strenuous two weeks. He couldn’t leave me alone for a single night. I was worn out by the end, quite glad to see you back.’

Camilla was dumbstruck, totally taken aback by the outrageousness of what Sarah had said.

Sarah looked at Camilla with an expression of feigned concern. ‘Oh, I haven’t said the wrong thing, have I? I can be so indiscreet. It’s a dreadful failing.’

Camilla struggled against the helpless, angry tears that came to her eyes. ‘You are a complete bitch. The worst I’ve ever known. I don’t believe anything you say, Sarah. No one in their right mind would. You’re a scheming, conniving trouble-maker.’ Her voice shook as she tried to control it, wishing that she could match Sarah’s composure. But how could she? If what Sarah said was true, then Anthony had deceived her utterly, had made a complete mockery of her and of their relationship.

Sarah shrugged. ‘Don’t believe me. Believe Anthony if you like. You’ve got your wonderful, loving relationship to preserve, after all. But take it from me, darling, you’d be much better off just treating him as a casual lay. That’s what I do.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘Must rush.’ She walked off, leaving Camilla standing, speechless, her heart raw, on the pavement of Crown Office Row.

Lunching with Anthony in a Chancery Lane wine bar, Chay was expressing concern at Leo’s sudden mysterious disappearance.

‘Not exactly the most convenient time for him to do a runner, particularly as he’s a member of the acquisitions committee. We’ve reached a critical point in putting together the core collection. You haven’t any idea at all where he’s gone, or when he’ll be back?’

Anthony shrugged. ‘My guess is that he’s gone off to his country retreat to sort himself out. I’ve been there, but I can’t for the life of me remember where it is exactly. Somewhere in deepest Oxfordshire. No one in chambers knows either, and the clerks don’t have a phone number.’

‘Oh, well.’ Chay pushed away the remains of his vegetarian quiche. ‘We can manage without him, but it’s an inconvenience. He was in the middle of arranging for the purchase of some important sculptures. Strange - he seemed such a stable kind of guy to me. Very straight.’

Anthony gave a wry smile. ‘Looks can be deceptive. Beneath the pinstripes he’s a bit screwed up, I’m afraid. Well, he is at the moment.’ Anthony stared reflectively at his plate, then glanced up and signalled to a passing waiter for the bill. ‘Actually, I’ve just had a thought. His ex-wife will have his number in the country. Damn. Why didn’t I think of that before?’ Anthony was astonished that he should have overlooked Rachel as a means of getting in touch with Leo. ‘Tell you what, I’ll see if I can get hold of him through her and find out what’s going on.’

‘I’d be grateful. I particularly don’t want the acquisition of the Anthony Caro sculpture to fall through.’ The waiter placed the bill in front of Chay, who looked at it, then slid it across to Anthony. ‘Sorry - I’ve only got enough cash for a taxi.’

With a sigh, Anthony took a credit card from his wallet. No matter how many millions Chay was now worth, clearly the habits formed over a lifetime of living in squats and hippy communes died very hard.

On his way back to his room, Anthony knocked on the door of the room Camilla shared with Gerald, the newest junior tenant, and put his head round. He was pleased to see that Gerald was still out. Camilla was at her desk, apparently absorbed in what she was writing, her head propped on one hand.

‘Hi,’ said Anthony, closing the door behind him. ‘I was hoping to see you at lunch time, but my father called in and I had to take him to lunch. Do you know, he never pays for a meal? I still have to—’

‘Anthony, go away,’ said Camilla, without looking up.

Anthony stopped a foot away from her desk, surprised by her tone. ‘Sorry,’ he said, faintly offended. ‘I didn’t realise you were too busy to chat.’

Camilla looked up. ‘We have nothing, absolutely nothing to chat about. Leave me alone.’

Anthony was struck by the miserable, stony look in her eyes. His mind faltered, filling suddenly with guilt. Until he knew exactly what was wrong, he had no choice but to make his response defensive, tentative. ‘Come on,’ he said mildly, ‘I thought we’d sorted things out. What I did was stupid and impulsive. I hoped you’d forgiven me—’

‘You are unbelievable.’ Camilla laid down her pen. ‘You still intend to stick to that lie, despite the fact that you might have known that Sarah would tell me everything sooner or
later. How can you?’ She sounded genuinely bewildered. ‘How can you conduct a two week affair with someone while I’m away, then lie about it, pretend it was a one night stand, and still say you love me and that you want me to move in with you? I thought I knew you so well. I’m a complete idiot. No doubt that’s what you were counting on.’

Anthony tried to interrupt, bleakly aware that the entire house of cards was coming down around his ears. ‘It might as well have been just one night, for all that it mattered. Oh, God, I never wanted this to happen. I can’t explain to you why—’

‘I don’t want you to explain anything. I only want to know one thing.’ She paused, gazing at Anthony. ‘Did you make love to her every night while I was away?’

There was a brief silence, in which Anthony felt swamped by horrible and complete humiliation. ‘That’s not the point. The point is that it’s you—’

‘Did you?’

‘Yes. Almost. But it meant nothing, it was something I couldn’t help—’

‘Anthony, do go away. It’s finished,’ Camilla said with weary unhappiness, picking up her pen.

He hesitated, watching her begin to write calmly, aware of his own sudden desperation, his mind scrabbling in a futile way for a means of salvaging the situation. He began to speak, but she interrupted him.

‘Go away.’

He tried again, this time raising his voice a little in frustration, but at that moment Gerald came in, bearing
sandwiches and a cup of coffee, and Anthony stopped in angry embarrassment. Realising he had no choice but to leave, he went back to his own room and closed the door. He stood by the window, hands in pockets, staring down at the courtyard, his mind bleak and wretched. There was no way back now. If Sarah had let Camilla know the extent of what had happened, then he couldn’t see how it could ever be put right. He had taken a perfect and genuine love, and utterly destroyed it. Had it been a risk he wanted to run, he wondered. Did he possess some deep, subconscious urge to bugger up every relationship that was halfway good? He thought of the way Camilla had looked at him and almost groaned aloud. All the qualities he loved most in her were the very ones which made it certain that she would not forgive him. He knew that. He sat down at his desk and gazed inertly at the papers which were spread out before him. It was finished. The one relationship for which he had had real hopes, and he had brought about its end.

For a while he did nothing, just sat contemplating the destructive extent of his behaviour. Although he could happily have wrung Sarah’s neck, he knew that her part in this was minimal. It was all his own doing. Sluggishly he tried to force his mind to think of other things, and remembered his conversation at lunch time with Chay. Slowly he pulled his address book from the drawer, looked up Rachel’s work number and rang her. At least it was something to take his mind off all that had just happened.