A Heart for Robbie (20 page)

sweet man from the real estate company where she worked. He had a

young son who lived with his mother but with whom he had frequent

visitation. Her mother sputtered on, asking when she’d get to meet said

suitor and determine whether or not he was worthy of her only daughter.

Nancy politely replied that she’d introduce them when she was sure her

mother wouldn’t scare him away.

Brunch became far more interesting after that.

Katherine took Simon aside once they’d said their good-byes to

Beverly and Nancy, chastising him for letting Nancy get away.

“Don’t you know how difficult it is to find single women your age?

You need a good churchgoing woman to take care of you, like your

brothers,” she’d said, and he considered reminding her that her own

daughter had left the church years before. Not only had she left the church, but she also left the state to keep her mother from interfering in her life and her children’s lives.

Simon should have gone too. If he had, though, he wouldn’t have

met Julian and Robbie. At the thought of his date later, Simon smiled,

prompting another round of questions from his mother. He sighed and

wondered how Julian fared with his own family.

“PAUL, DON’T lift him over your head like that. You’re going to give

him a heart attack. For the love of God,” Julian said as he took Robbie

back from Paul, who grabbed one of his own kids instead. The little one, Sarah, with her tiny pigtails flying in the air, squealed with delight, asking Daddy to lift her higher. Julian watched, his heart aching as he wondered if he’d ever hear Robbie beg to fly.

“Hey, what’s that frown for? Come on, I scrubbed them all

completely with antibacterial soap before I set them loose on Robbie,”

Erin chided gently as she waved at her youngest, being tossed into the air by her father.

“Oh, it wasn’t that. I think Robbie’s doing just fine with the kids.

Tommy and Jimmy are ignoring him completely, and Kimberly thinks

he’s her own personal Cabbage Patch Kid.” He laughed and then turned

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away from Paul to face her. “I was just wondering if I’ll ever hear Robbie call me daddy.”

“Oh, honey, of course you will.”

The hope in her voice made Julian want to hope too, but she’d

managed to temper it with realism as well. Someone else’s child had to die in order for Robbie to live. Not only did a child, a baby, have to die, but he or she had to die in such a way to leave a healthy heart intact. Then the child’s parents had to get past their agonizing grief long enough to allow their child to be carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey and his or her parts shipped all around the country. Looking down at Robbie in his arms, he

couldn’t imagine it. He couldn’t imagine it at all.

“Lunch is ready,” his mother called from the doorway, bringing

Julian from his thoughts.

“Come on, Daddy, let’s go eat,” Erin said. “I’m going to go set my

brood up at the kids’ table.”

“Can I grab the car seat for you?” Kimberly asked, in her very

serious seven-year-old voice.

“Yes, you can, honey, thank you,” Julian told her and went into the

dining room where Paul and his father were setting the table.

“Just put the car seat in that chair, honey, the one with the arms,”

Julian said and took the seat next to it. Robbie wasn’t quite big enough for a high chair yet, and since he’d just been fed, he’d probably sleep right through their lunch. He considered putting him in one of the spare beds

surrounded by pillows but hadn’t brought the apnea monitor. Besides, he

didn’t want Robbie that far away or alone. Especially since he didn’t know how long he’d have Robbie.

No, he refused to think about it. He would always have Robbie. The

car seat sat empty as he held his son high and close. No, he wouldn’t think about any other outcomes than Robbie getting a heart and being healthy.

“Is he fussing?” his mother asked as she set the ham in the middle of

the table. “I can take him and let you—”

“No, he’s not fussing. I just….” He couldn’t articulate his fear, so he

set it aside. “I just felt like holding him for a minute.” She ruffled Julian’s hair, kissing him on top of his head.

“He’s going to be fine,” she whispered. “Now, put him in the car

seat, and let’s eat.”

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Ham, sweet potatoes, noodles and cheese, coleslaw, rolls, mixed

vegetables, and cranberry sauces littered the dining room table as they

piled into chairs. The kids sat at a folding dining table with folding chairs his mother had set up in the living room. She’d even put a painting tarp under the table to catch any stray food left by the infestation of children in her home. Though she never would have seen it that way. His mother

loved children and had always embraced Erin’s kids as her own

grandchildren. Nothing, except maybe for his own adoption, had made her

happier than his announcement that he’d made her a grandmother.

The huge china cabinet loomed behind Erin and Paul where they sat

across the table from him and Robbie. His parents flanked them at the

ends of the table.

“Uhm, Dad? Why did you set a place for Robbie?” Julian asked,

trying not to let his amusement show. “He’s already had lunch.”

“Hush. I don’t know. There were six chairs, so I set six places.

Leave me alone, I’m old.”

The table erupted with laughter, and Robbie cracked open his eyes to

investigate the sound. He stretched in his tiny baby way and settled back down in the seat to sleep.

“So, your mom said you have plans tonight,” Erin opened, going

straight for the kill. Julian hadn’t had plans that didn’t revolve around Robbie in so long, they’d all started to worry about him. He smiled and

tried to keep the blush from taking over his face.

“I… well, I have a date.”

Robbie’s eyes remained closed, but the other four pairs around the

table focused on him. He smiled; he couldn’t help it. The memory of

Simon’s body beneath his, the way he arched and whimpered made Julian

crazy.

“You haven’t left the house in two months. How on earth did you

meet someone?” his mother asked, a light that warmed his soul in her

eyes.

“His name is Simon. He’s the, well, the insurance coordinator in

charge of Robbie’s case at the hospital.”

Silence fell across the room, broken only by the occasional laugh or

screech from the children in the next room. No one spoke. Julian wasn’t

sure anyone even breathed. He couldn’t stand it, the judgment in their

quiet. Yes, he remembered that the last time he ventured down that

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particular life path, it nearly destroyed him. He had so much more at stake now, so much more to deal with. He didn’t need any more stress. Yes, he

knew that. In his mind, he fought each and every one of their unspoken

arguments, especially the one where they brought up his appalling taste in men.

“Oh my God, that’s wonderful, Julian,” Erin exclaimed, breaking the

silence with her high-pitched squeal. Paul rocked back on his chair and

laughed, while Julian’s parents simply watched him. They were all

waiting, waiting for Julian to explain or to break. He wasn’t sure which.

“It just happened. We didn’t plan it. Okay, there’s something I need

to tell you first, so that it makes more sense. I wasn’t hiding anything. I just… you deal with so much already.” Julian glanced up, and their faces had gone from joyous to cautious in an instant. “You know that Robbie

had to stay in the hospital a couple of days after his cardiac cath on

Monday, but I didn’t tell you why. He….” He stopped, taking a deep

breath so that he could plunge ahead and break their hearts. “He stopped breathing during the test. His little heart stopped.” Julian reached out and rested a hand on his sleeping son’s chest. “They resuscitated him but

confirmed that his heart is deteriorating as they expected. They bumped

him to priority status on the transplant list. That night, they wouldn’t let me stay at the hospital. One of the nurses kept insisting that I go home.

Simon came down for some reason, it may have been for me to sign a

form or something, but he offered to take me home. Along the way, we

stopped for dinner at this little pub near his place. We got a little… a little inebriated. And well….” Julian blushed, punctuating the end of his little speech.

“You’re trying to rally a one-night stand into a relationship?” Erin

asked, cautious, caring. Her face betrayed the question she really wanted to ask, the one about Julian letting a stranger into his life and his heart.

“No, we’d been talking before then. We had dinner in the cafeteria

together one night. And he’s seriously closeted, so it’s not like he’s going to flaunt whatever this is.”

“Is he nice?” his mother asked, twisting her napkin around nervous

fingers.

“He is. You met him, remember? He was in the transplant session.”

“Oh! He had brown hair and glasses, didn’t he?”

“Yes.”

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“He’s handsome and smart,” his mother said with a smile.

“I know this isn’t the best timing,” Julian said, verbalizing the

biggest understatement of the year. “But I like him. I want to see what

happens.”

“What’s going to happen,” his father said, finally speaking up, “is

that he’s going to get fired.”

Julian looked up at his father, his heart aching with a pain he

couldn’t quite explain.

“I know that’s a possibility. We’re going to be really careful, and

Robbie won’t be a patient there forever. Either he’ll get his transplant or…

or he won’t. We only have to keep it a secret for a little while, assuming it even works out between us.”

“He would have signed a contract which includes a conflict of

interest clause, Julian. It really isn’t a good idea for you to see this man.”

Julian turned in his chair and pulled Robbie from the car seat. The

baby didn’t stir but nuzzled into his father’s chest as if he knew Julian needed the love and support. Julian stroked Robbie’s back, his hair, just trying to maintain his calm. He wasn’t a child. He knew what the risks

were, and Simon knew them even better than he did.

“Do you know what it’s like to be so alone in the world that you

conjure imaginary people to talk to?” he asked quietly, still stroking his son’s back. He thought of Liam, Clay, and Eve, who hadn’t manifested

themselves at the dinner table but were always there in the back of his

mind. The table fell silent again. Even the kids in the next room were

quiet. He stroked Robbie’s cheek.

“Julian…,” his father started but then stopped.

“I’ve been trying to talk myself out of this date since I made it. I tell myself every day that he’s not Kenny. I’m scared. But I’m so alone. All

the time. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want someone there, to make dinner with, and talk to, and worry with me about Robbie. Maybe that’s

Simon, maybe it’s not, but I won’t find him by hiding myself in an ivory tower. You guys told me for months that Kenny was robbing me blind,

and I didn’t listen. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve learned to listen to my instincts and the people in my life. And it hurts that I can’t trust anyone. I want to learn that again. I want to learn how to love again.”

“Uhm…. Honey, can you tell us a little more about these imaginary

people?” his mother asked, and he couldn’t help it. Julian laughed.

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SIMON PARKED a few lots down from the townhouse and turned off the

ignition. He felt like as soon as he got out of the car Dr. Dane would

appear from nowhere. God, this was crazy. If anyone found out about his

whatever-this-was with Julian, he’d be fired. Only deep down, he couldn’t answer why that didn’t frighten him as much as it should. Something with Julian felt right. It felt real like nothing else in his entire life. Simon had been pretending to be someone else for so damn long he didn’t even know

who he was anymore. God, he wanted to find out. He wanted Julian to

show him.

Simon pocketed his keys, grabbed his stuff from the passenger seat,

and headed for the door. A beautiful iron gate, left ajar but not open,

decorated a short walk lined with gorgeous spring flowers and overhung

with trees just beginning to bloom. The townhouse beyond looked like

something out of a movie. The rust-colored brick façade, sturdy and

immaculate, contrasted the colonial trim. A large intricately railed porch ran across the front of the townhouse, and Simon saw high end,

comfortable wicker chairs on either side of a glass table. He liked the

functional elegance. He steadied himself with a deep breath as he crossed the porch and knocked on the left-hand door.

Simon’s heart seemed to stop for the briefest of moments when it

opened. Julian stood framed in the door in a casual cashmere sweater and jeans, his black curls almost tamed but still exotic and beautiful. When he smiled, his blue eyes lit up with genuine excitement. Excitement for

Simon.

“For you,” Simon said after finding his voice hiding somewhere

around his knees. He handed the single red rose and bottle of Ruffino Gold to Julian, who stood back to admit him.

“I’m blushing over a flower. Not sure when I turned into such a

teenage girl,” Julian said as he closed the door.

Simon slipped off his shoes, not sure what to say. Instead of looking

at Julian to see if he truly was blushing, he glanced around the magnificent living room beyond the foyer. He could see a fireplace surrounded by