A Heart Once Broken (25 page)

Rudy didn't seem to notice Lydia's troubled thoughts as he pointed to another bright display. “How about that huge snowman? That's not a very original idea to anchor the lights that way, but it does work. Look at the streamer going all the way to the rooftop. That took some energy to climb up there!”

“I guess so,” Lydia agreed.

She had to say something, but Rudy had no idea how she felt or what despair was gripping her deep inside. The thought of what they used to share had glowed in her heart while she had been at home, but out here, the memory seemed to have flown far away. Lydia glanced at Rudy's handsome face. This was the man she had once kissed, but he wasn't the same. Or rather, she was no longer the same. She shouldn't blame Rudy.

Lydia struggled for words as Rudy exclaimed over another display. “Splendid, absolutely splendid. Lydia, remember how we used to take this drive together?”

“
Yah
,” Lydia managed. She did remember.

Rudy reached across the console to squeeze Lydia's hand. “You always were the shy one, while your cousin, what was her name, was so bold.”

“Sandra.” Lydia struggled with the name. Sandra might be bold, but she would never do something like this.

“Yep.” Rudy laughed but didn't seem to notice her discomfort. “Could that woman ever chatter up a storm! It took a little effort to draw you out, but I succeeded eventually. I even got a kiss out of you. Remember? You were all the sweeter for the hard work involved.” Rudy grinned and squeezed Lydia's hand again.

How could she forget? Lydia wondered.

“Can we get something to eat?” The question burst out of her.

Rudy seemed puzzled but shrugged. “Sure. But there's still plenty of lights to see. We can stop to get subs. Is that good enough?”

“
Yah
. It's perfect.” Lydia tried to sound cheerful.

Rudy accelerated and moments later pulled into the Wendy's parking lot. The couple went inside and placed their orders.

“Shall we eat here?” Rudy suggested, motioning toward a table. “We can see the downtown lights from the windows.”

Lydia nodded and followed Rudy to a seat. A feeling of loneliness swept over her. Lydia pressed back the tears, and this time Rudy noticed when he sat down with the tray of sandwiches and their drinks.

“This isn't working, is it?” he asked.

Lydia tried to smile. “I wanted to come out with you. It's not that. Rudy, I just have…” Lydia couldn't finish the sentence.

Rudy reached for Lydia's hand across the table. “I understand.”

“It's not your fault.” Lydia motioned with her hand in a wide circle that included the restaurant and the streets outside. “I've been away from this for so long…and I never planned to come back.”

Rudy leaned forward. “But you
can
come back. I'll help you…anytime you're ready.”

Lydia took a bite of her chicken sandwich, but it somehow didn't taste as good as she remembered it. She thought she might choke.

“Are you okay?” Rudy half stood to his feet.

Lydia motioned him to sit again. “I'm okay. I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought I was. I'm not feeling well.”

Rudy stood up. “Then you're not okay. Come. Bring your sandwich and we'll leave. I'm sorry about this, Lydia. I didn't mean to rush things.”

Lydia squeezed back the tears as she slid her sandwich into the bag. What a fool she was, caught between two worlds like this. How could she have been so stupid?

“Thank you for understanding,” Lydia said as they left. “I'm so sorry.”

“It's okay.” Rudy took Lydia's hand to lead the way back to the car. “We'll try again some other time.”

Lydia tried to protest, but the words stuck in her throat. They drove in silence back to Lydia's home.

Chapter Twenty-Four

B
arely half an hour later, Rudy pulled into the Troyers' lane. The gas lantern was burning in the living room window, casting a soft glow over Deacon Schrock's buggy. It was still parked beside the barn. At the moment, though, Lydia didn't care about Deacon Schrock. She was more concerned about how badly tonight had turned out. Rudy would have every justification to throw her out of his car at the end of the driveway. Instead he drove her all the way up to the sidewalk before he stopped.

“Good night,” Rudy told her. His voice was kind.

“Thanks for tonight,” she whispered. “I'm sorry…”

“It'll be okay,” Rudy said. “We'll wait until…”

“I don't know what's wrong with me,” Lydia whispered.

“I enjoyed the evening while it lasted.” Rudy attempted a chuckle and reached over to touch her hand.

“I wish I hadn't…” Lydia's free hand didn't move on the handle. “Maybe we had best…”

Rudy stopped Lydia with a gentle squeeze on her hand. “We'll try this some other time, so don't say anything more tonight. I will wait a few weeks and call again.”

Lydia nodded and pushed open the car door, then plunged into the night. She hurried up the walk as Rudy's headlights streamed across the snowy lawn. At the porch she turned for a wave, but his car was already out on Madrid Road. She stepped into the shadows of the porch to catch her breath. Her whole body felt numb. What a disaster she had created. With Rudy gone the reality sank in deeply. Deacon Schrock was still inside. Maybe she should hide in the barn until the deacon went home. Knowing Deacon Schrock, that could be a long time, and she was too cold to wait outside.

Lydia sighed and pushed open the front door to see
Daett
sitting on his rocker with his head bowed.
Mamm
was in the same posture, while Deacon Schrock was on the couch. He looked up when Lydia walked in.

“You're back,”
Mamm
spoke first.

Lydia didn't answer. She wasn't expected to.

Deacon Schrock looked like he was carrying a great weight on his shoulders. “
Goot
evening, Lydia. Please have a seat. We've been waiting and praying that the Lord brings you home early.”

Lydia caught her breath. Was that why her panic attack had happened? Because of Deacon Schrock's prayers?

“Please take a seat,” Deacon Schrock repeated.

There was no getting away from this, Lydia decided, so she sat on the chair near the stove. Her knees trembled.

Deacon Schrock waited with his head lowered for a few minutes. He finally looked up and asked, “Would you mind explaining what you were doing tonight? Your
mamm
told me you went with your sisters and two of their
Englisha
friends to tour the Christmas lights. You know that's strictly a
rumspringa
activity, one that you promised to leave behind when you made vows to the Lord and His church.”

Lydia kept her head down. She couldn't argue with the deacon's point. What he said was true.

“And yet you went?” Deacon Schrock continued to probe.

Lydia raised her head. “There's more to it than that.” The deacon wouldn't be satisfied until he knew the truth, so she might as well confess.

“
Yah
?” Deacon Schrock waited.

“We met up with the two men Emma and Rhoda run around with, Benny and Jimmy.” Lydia gathered her courage. “But that's not what it was all about. I met my old
Englisha
boyfriend, Rudy. He's the one who dropped me off right now.”

Deacon Schrock stared. “What is wrong with this family? Have your
daett
's sins affected everyone, Lydia? You know this cannot be. For this action alone you have sinned grievously. And this, after you promised to forsake the world and all that lies out there.” Deacon Schrock's arm waved in the general area of the living room window. “Lydia, first your parents allow all kinds of mischief from their youngest daughters to happen right in their own home, and now
you
? Are we to lose all of this family to the world?” Deacon Schrock stopped to catch his breath. “I can believe none of this. There must be an explanation. Is this happening because of the sin your
daett
and his brother allowed into the community? If it is, I find myself at fault first. I should have recommended to the ministry that your
daett
be sternly disciplined for his financial sin. Instead, I figured the death of his brother would be enough of a rebuke from the Lord, but I see once more that the church must also do its part. In this we all seemed to have failed.”

“You shouldn't blame yourself, nor should anyone else,”
Daett
spoke up. “I take this blame upon myself.”

Deacon Schrock glanced at
Daett
. “That is a start, but you still have a very long way to go, Ben. I think a knee confession is certainly called for. And I wouldn't be surprised if Bishop Henry received counsel to place all of you in the
bann
for six weeks.”

“The
bann
?”
Mamm
gave a little gasp.

Lydia saw her
mamm
's alarmed face. What had she expected?

Deacon Schrock addressed Lydia again. “What did you and your former boyfriend speak of tonight? And you had best tell me the truth, Lydia.”

Lydia waited before she answered. “We did nothing evil, but I am tempted by the love we once had for each other. In this I admit my wrong.”

A look of horror filled Deacon Schrock's face. “You spoke of love with your former
Englisha
boyfriend! But this sort of thing is from the world, Lydia. You have promised to forsake such things and leave behind all that is impure and to join yourself to the people of the Lord. This is worse than I imagined.”

“I said I was tempted, that is all,” Lydia protested.

Deacon Schrock thundered his response. “Lydia! Listen to yourself. These are not the words of the Lord. An
Englisha
man cannot love one of the daughters of the community. This is unspeakable. You must repent at once.”

Lydia's head spun. “I cannot but speak the truth. Would you have me lie?”

Deacon Schrock stood to pace the floor. “Something must be done with you, Lydia. I will make a trip over to Harvey Miller's place first thing tomorrow morning and speak with him. Harvey lost his
frau
last year, and he still hasn't married. He needs to plan a quick wedding with you and get this all behind us.”

Lydia tried to breathe. “You would match me up with Harvey Miller?” Visions of Harvey's face appeared in Lydia's mind. He certainly wasn't unattractive, but she had never entertained a romantic thought about the man in her life. Nor had Harvey had romantic thoughts about her. It was common knowledge that Harvey still mourned the death of his beloved
frau
, Leslie.

“It is the ministry's responsibility to make suggestions in cases like yours.” Deacon Schrock was firm. “Your aunt Edna took my advice after the death of Emil, and the Lord has greatly blessed the match. I cannot see how things could turn out differently in this case. Harvey needs a
frau
, and you would be a very suitable match for the man. Your willful ways would be calmed down.”

Lydia finally found her voice. “You cannot do this!”

“You will repent of your willful ways,” Deacon Schrock ordered. “And the Lord will cleanse the rest of your soul. I will speak to the rest of the ministry about this matter, and after the Christmas holidays, we will speak further. Why trouble like this has to arise around the celebration of the Lord's birth is beyond me, but I suppose men have sins in their hearts at all times.” Deacon Schrock stood up and moved toward the door. “Well, a good night to you, and may all of you find the Lord's blessing again—and soon.”

The door slammed, and silence settled over the room.

“Aren't you going to see him off, Ben?”
Mamm
asked.

Daett
groaned. “Like he wishes to see me right now. I have been a foolish man to allow my home to get to this state. Look what I have begotten—nothing but the whirlwind. I'm disgraced even further after my financial ruin, if such a thing is possible. And now Lydia is to be forced into a marriage she doesn't want.”