A Hickory Ridge Christmas (2 page)

For a few seconds, the minister bowed his head as if in prayer, and then he looked up and smiled. “I'd like to add my welcome to Andrew's. We're so glad you're here. Whether you're longtime members or looking for a new church home, we're setting out the welcome mat.”

Todd blinked. The minister probably offered that same greeting every Sunday, but this invitation felt more personal than that. For the first time since he'd pulled his car into the church parking lot and prepared for his past to collide with his present, he felt his confidence returning.

He did his best to focus on worship as Reverend Bob delivered a message on the birth of John the Baptist, that had taken place just prior to Jesus's birth, but no matter how hard Todd tried, he couldn't keep his attention from returning to Hannah. He'd waited so long to see her, had imagined this moment for what felt like forever, and here he was waiting again.

Please give me patience, Lord, and give me the words to make things right. Amen.

Hannah turned so that her lovely profile came into view. Her skin still looked as soft as he remembered, but the sprinkling of freckles across her nose appeared to have faded with time. Had her dimples, the tiny ones that only appeared when she really smiled, deepened as she'd entered her twenties? Did her eyes still crinkle at the corners when she laughed? Did those same eyes flood with tears whenever she spoke of her mother?

She tilted her head, appearing engrossed in her father's sermon. Todd hoped she'd had many reasons to smile and to laugh in the years since he'd left. More than anything, he wanted happiness for Hannah, who'd already known so much pain.

If only he could have been a better friend to her, could have provided a strong shoulder and a listening ear, instead of allowing his comforting touch to become something more. No, he hadn't been alone in that bed or alone in his decision to seek passion over purity, but he couldn't help believing he was more responsible than she was. He'd known how fragile Hannah was even so many months after her mom's death. Only one of them had been in any emotional state to put on the brakes in their relationship, and he'd ignored thoughts of sin and regret and gave into temptation anyway.

He'd known a lot of regret since then.

With effort, Todd set aside the emotions that threatened to distance him from his purpose. He glanced up at her again just as the congregation was singing the last chorus. The blond guy leaned close to Hannah and whispered something in her ear, and though she put her finger to her lips to hush him, her dimples appeared as she chuckled.

Todd's stomach tightened, and for the first time he gave the guy standing next to Hannah more than a passing glance. He'd worked so hard and had planned his return from overseas so carefully. Earning his engineering degree from Nanyang Technological University, targeting his job search to test
engineering positions at General Motors Proving Grounds—everything—had been part of this long-term plan to work his way back to her.

He'd thought he'd looked at every obstacle. Clearly, he'd missed a huge one by never considering that Hannah might have dated other guys or even have found someone special in the last five years. Any man would have been crazy not to recognize Hannah for the amazing person she was and consider himself blessed to be with her.

The thought that Hannah might have dated others tore at his heart though he had no right to feel that way. Just because there had never been anyone else for him didn't mean she'd felt the same way.

What was he supposed to do now? No. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. He'd returned to Milford for two reasons only: to apologize to Hannah and to earn her forgiveness. Okay, he'd had secret hopes of building a life with Hannah, but he should have learned by now that he wasn't the type of guy meant for happy endings. Still, he was the type of guy who, just this once, would do the right thing no matter what it cost him.

By the time that Todd returned his attention to the front of the church, Andrew had stepped forward to pronounce the benediction.

“Father, lead us as we go out into Your world. Teach us to really love as You love and to forgive as You forgive. In the name of Your Son. Amen.” After the prayer, Andrew ascended the aisle, waving at Todd as he passed.

Suddenly, a few things made sense. Was that what Andrew had really meant when he'd said some of the people Todd might know from the youth group had moved away? Had Andrew been referring to Hannah moving on with her life…without him?

Todd steeled himself again. It didn't matter. He couldn't let it matter. He'd waited an awfully long time and gone to more trouble than most men would ever consider to give this apology. Nothing, not even his owns fears, could stop him from doing what he had to do.

With resolve, he looked to the front of the sanctuary, past the other congregants who were chatting and gathering their coats. At first, he thought he'd missed her and that she'd left by one of the side aisle doors. Some of the people she'd been sitting with, including the blond guy, were already gone. But then she straightened from where she'd bent to retrieve her Bible.

Hannah turned her head to say something to the woman next to her, and then she stopped. He knew the minute she recognized him because her eyes widened, and her lovely mouth went slack.

For several seconds, neither moved. Todd felt like a spectator to his own life, unable to look away while the one woman he'd ever loved stared back at him as if he was the last person she ever expected to see again. Or maybe ever wanted to see.

As the Bible she held slipped from her fingers, its pages fluttering open on its path to the floor, Todd felt as if some small part of him—something elemental like hope—died.

T
odd.

Hannah's lips formed the word, but she couldn't summon the breath to give it sound. Her chest ached as fear and panic pressed down on it like a heavy hand.

She'd dreamed of him so often, with fondness and fury, and there he was. His presence seemed to fill the sanctuary from carpet to rafters. She'd tried so hard to forget those eyes, and there they were, staring back at her with that same unnerving intensity.

What was he doing here? What did he want? Why now? Why ever? Rebecca. What was she supposed to do about Rebecca?

Hannah didn't know how long she'd stood there staring or even that she'd dropped her Bible until her friend Steffie Wilmington pressed it back into her sweaty hands. She could barely hold on to its smooth leather cover.

She lowered her gaze to the Bible's gold lettering
and then turned back to the college freshman standing next to her. “Um…thanks.”

Remembering where they were and how well attended the Sunday service had been, Hannah glanced around, hoping none of the other church members had noticed her strange reaction. Could they tell who he was just by looking at him?

“Hannah, what's wrong…”

Steffie, who probably preferred “Stephanie” now but hadn't been able to squash the nickname, didn't even get the question out of her mouth before the source of Hannah's problem started up the aisle toward them.

Hannah couldn't answer. Her mouth was dry, and her heart raced. She felt this overwhelming need to run and hide. Why should today be any different? She'd been running and hiding from the truth since the second dot on the home pregnancy test had turned pink.

She stiffened, but she couldn't take her eyes off Todd's steady approach. He looked older than she'd imagined he would, his shoulders even wider than she'd predicted in the well-tailored navy suit he wore. He'd finally filled out his over-six-foot frame and could no longer be called lanky. His hair had deepened to a dark blond, but it still had that tousled look he'd never been able to control.

His face, though, had changed most of all. It was no longer sweet and boyish but was framed with the handsome, hardened planes of manhood. If he'd been smiling, his face probably would have softened and the dimple in his chin would have been more pronounced, but his expression was serious. Cautious.

“Who's he?” Steffie tried again, looking back and forth between the two of them. “Wait. He looks familiar. He looks like…”

The younger woman's words trailed away as Todd reached the front of the room and sidled into the pew behind theirs. Around them, church members continued to make their way toward the exit, but several glanced curiously at Hannah, Todd and Steffie.

“Hi…Hannah.” His voice cracked, so he cleared his throat.

He expected her to say something; she knew that. The words just wouldn't come. Words couldn't squeeze past the guilt clawing at her insides. No matter what he'd done, no matter how hurt she'd felt, she should have found a way to tell him as soon as she knew. Or at least she could have found some occasion before Rebecca's fourth birthday. What was she supposed to tell him now?

“Look, I didn't mean to startle you,” Todd told her. “I only wanted the chance to—”

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Steffie interrupted, reminding Hannah she was still there, observing entirely too much. “Do you need me to get your dad?”

Hannah shook her head and raised a hand to stop Steffie, but she still couldn't look away from Todd. He appeared just as frozen.

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” he finally choked out. “There are so many things I need to say.”

Panic welled deep within her, its acidic tang bitter on her tongue. She couldn't tell him. Not now. Soon, but not yet. She jerked her head, breaking the cold
connection of their gazes. Slowly, she started shaking her head and backing toward the aisle.

“I can't do this, Todd. I just can't. I have to go.”

Turning, she pressed past Steffie and hurried up the side aisle.

“Hannah! Wait! Stop!”

His plea pounded in her ears, but she couldn't wait. She couldn't stop. She couldn't even look back as she rushed through the vestibule and into the hall leading to the Family Life Center. Rebecca would be waiting for her there in Children's Church.

Hannah could feel his gaze on her as she went, but she didn't hear his footsteps. If he followed her and tried to air out their past right now, he would find out the truth. He would know the secret she'd wasted so much energy trying to keep from him and everyone else. Part of her prayed he would do just that.

 

Todd watched her go, somehow managing to keep from chasing after her through the church and making a bigger fool of himself than he had already.

She hurried past the line of members shaking hands with the ministry team. Instead of continuing through the glass doors leading to the parking lot, she turned left and headed down a hallway toward the rear of the church.

Only after she'd disappeared completely from sight did Todd turn his attention to the young woman standing next to him. The tall redhead with a dusting of freckles on her nose was looking at him nearly eye to eye. She raised a delicate brow.

Finally, he remembered his manners and shot out his right hand. “Hi. I'm Todd McBride.”

“Todd. Todd.” She frowned while rolling the name around on her tongue as if she expected it to ring a bell. Then she shrugged. “I'm Stephanie.”

He let go of her hand and then glanced at the sanctuary's rear door again. “I should go after her.”

“She didn't seem all that thrilled about talking to you.”

“Probably not.” He ignored the hopeless feeling threatening to resurface. “But she's going to have to anyway.”

With a quick wave, he strode out the door. Finding only Andrew shaking hands and saying goodbye to the last of the stragglers, Todd assumed that Reverend Bob had slipped away to check on his daughter. As inconspicuously as possible, Todd started to follow the same path he'd seen Hannah take.

“Wait, Todd.” Andrew caught up to him and gripped his hand in a firm handshake. “Glad you made it. You're probably looking forward to starting your new job. Did the folks at GM Proving Grounds give you a little time to get settled, or did they want you right away?”

“I guess they needed someone right away because I had to negotiate to wait until Tuesday.”

“Isn't that just the way it goes? No rest for the weary.”

“Guess so.” Distracted, Todd cast a furtive glance down the hall. Was she still back there somewhere?

Andrew's gaze followed his. “So, besides
Reverend Bob and me, did you see anyone you recognized at the service?”

Todd was barely paying attention, so the words took a moment to sink in. When they did, he turned back to the youth minister. “No disrespect intended, Reverend, but let's not dance around this anymore. We both know I came here to see Hannah.”

Andrew nodded, the smile he usually wore absent. “And I noticed that you did see her.”

“No one probably knew we were more than friends.”

“I knew. Serena knew.”

Todd's head came up with a jerk. “Oh.”

“Remember that day all of us spent at the beach?”

“I guess so.” Of course Todd remembered. It was one of the memories he'd replayed in his mind in the last few years.

“We saw the way you looked at Hannah when you thought no one was watching.”

Todd cleared his throat. He could only imagine the emotions that had been written all over his face. Because there didn't seem to be any way to respond to that comment, he changed the subject. “We built a sand castle with Serena's little girl…uh…”

“Tessa,” Andrew said to fill in the blank.

“You had a thing for the single mother.”

“Still do. But she's married now. To me. Five years.” Andrew glanced down at the plain gold band he wore. “Tessa's got a brother now. Seth. We're having another one in March.”

“Wow. Either a lot of time has passed, or you've been busy for a few years,” Todd said with a chuckle.

Instead of laughing at his joke, Andrew became serious. “A lot of time has passed.”

The words felt like weights being draped across Todd's shoulders. He stared at the floor and waited for whatever else the youth minister had to say.

“Hannah didn't seem happy to see you today.”

“I suppose not.” Todd reluctantly met the other man's gaze. “I didn't go about things the right way.”

“It's hard to know the right thing to do sometimes.”

Andrew now wore his concerned minister's face. Todd remembered Hannah once mentioning that Andrew had been a clinical counselor before entering the ministry.

“Apologizing to Hannah is the right thing to do,” Todd said. “I know it. She just didn't give me the chance.”

“I don't know everything that happened between the two of you or the full reason she ran out of here, but—”

“No,” Todd said to interrupt him. “You don't.” His sharp tone surprised even him. It wasn't Andrew's fault that Hannah had refused to talk to him. He had no one to blame for that but himself. Taking a deep breath to clear his thoughts, he tried again. “I've been waiting five years to talk to Hannah…about a lot of things.”

“Have you ever considered that healing this relationship might not be as easy as you've imagined?”

“You mean that it might be too late? Sure, I've thought about it.”
A lot.
He took a long breath and shook his head in frustration. “But I have to do the
right thing. I've prayed about it, and I'm convinced it's what God wants me to do, so I'm just going to have to find a way to get Hannah to listen to me.”

“You sound pretty determined.”

“I am.”

“I guess you'll be needing this then.”

Andrew withdrew a pen and notebook from his pocket, wrote something on it and handed to him. It said, “Hannah,” and it had a street address and an apartment number on it. Todd drew his eyebrows together as he looked up from it.

“You didn't think she still lived at home, did you?”

He answered with a shrug. As a matter of fact, he had. He'd already driven by his old home and that particular house next door several times since he'd arrived in town on Friday. He'd studied that familiar dwelling, wondering whether she was inside and hoping she would pick that moment to go out to her car.

Todd closed his hand over the slip of paper. “Thanks, Andrew.”

“Will you do me one favor when you talk to Hannah?” Andrew waited for his nod before he continued, “When you're talking, will you be sure to listen, too?”

Of course he would listen, Todd thought as he climbed in his car and turned out of the church lot onto Hickory Ridge Road. He would listen, but he couldn't imagine what Hannah would have to say. She had nothing to apologize for; that was his department alone. Yet, an uncomfortable sensation
settled between his shoulder blades. Why did he get the sense that Andrew knew something he didn't?

 

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

Hannah turned from the medicine cabinet mirror where she was repairing her makeup. Rebecca, dressed only in a pair of red cotton tights, underwear and a lace-trimmed undershirt, stared up at her from the bathroom doorway.

Quickly, Hannah turned her back to her daughter and brushed the last of her tears away with the back of her hand. “Nothing, honey. You go ahead and finish changing your clothes. Remember to lay your dress out on the bed so I can hang it up, okay?”

“Okay,” Rebecca answered, though she would likely forget and leave the Christmas plaid dress in a pile on the floor. She started to leave and then stopped, turning back to her mother. “Are you crying?”

“No. Not really.” Hannah pressed her lips together. Now she was even lying to her daughter. When would it all stop? “I guess I am a little sad.”

“Don't be sad, Mommy.” Rebecca wrapped her arms around her mother's thighs and squeezed.

“Go on now,” she said, fighting back another wave of emotion.

As soon as Rebecca skipped down the hall, Hannah started swiping at the dampness again. She'd managed to hold herself together all through the ritual of collecting her daughter from her church program and through the drive home, but Hannah's
control had wavered the moment she was alone, changing out of her church clothes.

Todd? In Milford again? Come to think of it, she didn't even know why he was in town. She might know that answer now if she'd given him a chance to speak. But how could she? Without any notice, she wasn't prepared to face him. Who was she kidding? Even with six months notice, she wouldn't have been able to come up with a valid explanation for what she'd done.

All of her excuses for not telling him—her anger for his leaving, her choice to never reveal the identity of her child's father, her rationalization that Todd didn't deserve to know—now sounded like the incoherent ramblings of a teenage girl.

That was what they were.

How could she ever have thought she had the right to withhold the information from him that he was a father? No one had that right to wield so much power over other people's lives.

She had to tell him; that was a given. And she would. Soon. She just needed a little time to regroup first. After that, she would ask around and find out whom he was visiting and how long he would stay. She would tell him everything then, but she would do it on her terms.

Hannah nodded at the mirror, her thoughts clear for the first time since Todd appeared at her church and tilted her world on its axis.

A knock at the front door, though, set her thoughts and her newly settled world spinning once again. Was it Todd already? No, it couldn't be. He wouldn't even
know where she lived, although he would only have to ask her father to get that information. Reverend Bob, who still didn't know the whole truth, either.