A Hidden Life (51 page)

Lou thought: Ellie will be the first to break this silence. She was right. Nessa's mother, to give her credit, gathered her wits more quickly than anyone else and raised her glass in the general direction of Nessa and Mickey. It was obvious that she'd already had a fair amount to drink, but she staggered to her feet and said, ‘I propose a toast to the happy couple! Girl-on-girl action isn't my kind of thing, sweetie, but the very best of luck to you both and take no notice of what anyone thinks or says. I never have!' She chortled and took a sip of wine and sank back down again. Lou smiled.
Girl-on-girl action
was a bit off, perhaps, but the sentiment was a sound one. Bully for Ellie.

Mickey said, ‘Thanks so much, Ellie. We intend to be very, very happy.'

What was Matt going to do? Lou had noticed her father's mouth falling open at the news but he'd managed to recover himself just in time and, as soon as Ellie had sat down, he raised his own glass to Nessa and Mickey and said, ‘Yes, that's marvellous news, Nessa. Thank you for telling us in such a splendid way as well. This has been a delightful lunch. We're all – I think I can speak for everyone, can't I? – we're all looking forward greatly to the ceremony. All the best to you both!'

One day, Lou thought, I'll speak to him and see what he really thinks. He'd never make a scene and he'd never spoil an occasion like this, but was he so relaxed about Nessa becoming a lesbian? What were his views on such things? To her surprise, Lou realized that she'd never discussed it with him. She and Jake had talked it over, of course. He'd been to so many civil ceremonies that he was totally used to it and didn't bat an eyelid, but Lou had to confess that it would seem a little – well, unusual was the word – to watch Nessa coming down the aisle, or whatever you did at a register office, with another woman. She was so consumed with thinking about their own lovemaking, hers and Jake's, that she'd long ago given up trying to imagine what it must be like to go to bed with a woman. Nessa, she thought, loves Mickey and that's what counts. Maybe she feels
exactly the same way that I do with Jake when she's making love to her. Lou realized that every single person, every single couple, was different, so obviously Nessa and Mickey would be too. She wasn't the same person with Jake as she'd been with Ray. Her half-sister must have enjoyed making love to Gareth once upon a time. I must stop thinking about this, Lou thought. I'm seriously tipsy. I'm confused. There's only one thing I know and that's that I love Jake. And he loves me. She raised her own glass and said, ‘That's the best news, Nessa. I'm really,
really
happy for both of you.'

Children made very good babysitters, Phyl reflected, but they did get fed up quite quickly. Tamsin had done brilliantly, looking after Poppy both before and during lunch. Now, quite understandably, she was bored, and had gone off to her room to do something or other and Phyl had jumped at the chance of leaving the table and taking care of her granddaughter. She decided almost as soon as the baby was in her care that they'd go for a walk in the garden. It wasn't too cold and the sun was shining in an autumnal way.

‘Come on, Poppykins,' she said, very pleased at the idea of escape from the company. Ellie hadn't presented a problem and it occurred to Phyl that Matt may not have told her the full truth. Oh, he'd have let his ex-wife know that there was no future in their relationship, but he could easily have hidden the fact that she, Phyl, knew what had gone on between them. It would have been typical of Matt not to have told her. He'd have reckoned that there would be fewer chances of embarrassment if the story was Phyl knows nothing. Okay, if that was the way he wanted to play it. Ellie must be feeling smug, and that annoyed her. She must be thinking
I know something she doesn't know
and revelling in her superior knowledge of what Matt was really like.

‘Never mind, eh, Poppy? I don't care. I
do
know and she doesn't know that I do and that makes me the winner!'

‘Ganny!' was Poppy's response. ‘Gardin!'

‘Let me button up your coat. It's chilly outside.'

Nessa and Gareth's house (but now Nessa's alone and maybe soon Nessa and Mickey's) stood in about an acre of well-cared-for garden.
There was a pond near the wall at the back of the property, and Phyl and Poppy made their way down to it. Phyl gave up trying to keep Poppy off the rather damp grass and thought, It's only clothes and shoes. If they get a little damp, they'll get dry again.

‘Yoo-hoo!' Phyl turned round and there was Lou, waving at her from the French window of the sitting room. She'd opened it, which can't have been what Nessa would have wanted, in this weather. ‘Can I come and look at the fish as well?'

‘Mummmeee!' Poppy cried and took off in Lou's direction, wobbling a little as she stumbled over the grass towards her mother. Lou picked her up and together they came to stand by the pond.

‘Typical of Nessa to have a nice clear fishpond with no mud to spoil the fun,' Lou said. ‘Look at that big fish, Poppy. It's a big goldfish.'

‘Fish!' Poppy agreed and struggled to get down for a closer look. She peered over the stone rim of the pond and gazed at its inhabitants as they glided in and out of the plants with which Nessa had decorated their habitat: water lilies and reeds and ferns.

‘What do you think of Nessa's news, Mum?'

‘I'm … well, I'm thrilled for her of course, but I have to say, I find all that …' Phyl didn't know how to put it. She didn't want to appear old-fashioned, but there was a part of her that shrank slightly at the thought of gay marriages or civil ceremonies, or whatever they were called. There wasn't anything wrong about it, nothing like that, but in her most secret heart, Phyl was of the opinion that it was a bit – well,
strange.
Her whole mind shied away from even thinking about what went on in bed when two women were together, but nowadays you saw enough lovers of the same sex kissing passionately on television to know that even seeing that much did make you feel
peculiar.
She'd long ago made a decision not to dwell too hard on the nitty-gritty of such relationships, and that was in general. When it came to a woman she had known since childhood and had raised since she was nine years old, then matters were even more complicated. Phyl couldn't help wondering whether it was anything she'd done … or perhaps it was the result of Nessa's mother running off and abandoning her … her head was aching with the weight of the knowledge and she hoped very much that she'd grow more used to it by the time the wedding – the civil ceremony – came round. She wasn't about to
tell Lou all this, so she just said, ‘I like Mickey a lot. I hope they're happy together.'

‘She's certainly prettier than Gareth,' Lou said, and for some reason this struck Phyl as very funny and she burst out laughing. Lou joined in, and then so did Poppy.

‘God, I'm sorry, Lou,' Phyl said. ‘I think I've drunk a bit too much.'

‘Me, too … but can I tell you something?'

‘Not if it's going to be a shock. I can't take another shock today.'

‘You're supposed to say surprise. Not shock. That's a bad thing.'

Phyl smiled. ‘Okay, I understand what you're saying. Surprise, then. Tell me yours.'

‘Jake. I'm in love with Jake.'

Her happiness was obvious. Phyl recognized the wide grin from childhood, from those times when Lou was at her most joyful.

‘Not a surprise at all. I knew ages ago.'

‘You're just saying that. Hindsight's twenty-twenty.'

‘Just because you're in love with an American, you don't have to use expressions like that. Twenty-twenty, indeed. And you're wrong. I knew you liked him when you came down to Dad's birthday. I could see. And he loves you.'

‘He does! He really does, Mum. I can't believe it …' Lou flung her arms round her mother. Phyl hugged her daughter and found that there were tears standing in her eyes.

‘What's the matter, Mum? You look as though you're about to cry. You should be happy for me.'

‘Oh, I am, I am. Really, I am. I just – when I think of all that's happened to you, I'm just so – I suppose relieved is the word. The world is so full of bastards, isn't it? I think you're very lucky to have met Jake. And he's lucky to have met you.'

‘Destiny! That's what it is!' Lou burst out laughing again.

‘That's right. Kismet. Fate. Things like that. And he loves Poppy. That's the most important thing. I knew he was the one as soon as you told me about the car seat for Poppy. You should have known then too.'

‘Part of me must have done, I suppose, but I didn't want to let myself hope. Especially after Harry. That dented my confidence a bit.'

‘Are you and he okay now? At work, I mean.'

Lou nodded. ‘Fine. I'm taking some time off, though, in the sp-spring. We're — Jake and I are going to do up the house in Brittany. That's the plan, anyway … fingers crossed.'

‘You haven't even seen the place yet …'

‘That's what I came out here to ask you, really. Will you and Dad take Poppy for the weekend, when we do go?'

‘Of course. Nothing I like better than having her to stay. You know that. Any weekend except the seventeenth of November. That's when we're off to Paris. Even though poor Mme Franchard is dead, your father promised me. Now we've booked the hotel and it's all set.'

‘Lovely! You deserve it. I was thinking of next weekend, actually. Will that be okay? It's such short notice, only Jake just told me on the way here that he could manage next weekend.'

‘Fine – no problem at all. I'll check with your dad, but I'm sure he'll be all for it.'

‘Mumeee …' Poppy was sounding peevish for the first time that day. Lou picked her up.

‘Come on, Madam, you're a tired little kitten. Time for a nap. You can sleep in Tamsin's room. That'll be nice, won't it?'

The two of them went up the garden path together to the house and Phyl looked after them. I'm happy, she thought. And then this was followed by another thought: I'd better remember how this feels, right now, because things can change so quickly. Please, God, don't let them change for Lou and Jake. Let them be happy. Please let them be really, really happy. She closed her eyes tightly, just as she used to do when she was in primary school, saying the Lord's Prayer. Somehow the tighter you closed your eyes, the more fervent the prayer seemed to be. This prayer, she told herself. I want
this
prayer to be answered.

‘Aha!' Ellie giggled. ‘This is where you've got to! You're hiding from me, Matt, aren't you? And now I've found you, so there!'

‘Not at all. I simply thought I'd help Nessa by taking out some of the glasses.' He pointed to the tray he'd just put down on the work
surface. He was perfectly able to load a dishwasher but hadn't dared to do so in Nessa's house without her permission. Still, he'd wanted to help in some way and so he'd taken charge of clearing the table. And Ellie was right. Part of his intention was to escape from her. He squared his shoulders, and told himself that there was very little she could do or say to him here in the kitchen with so many people around and liable to come in at any moment. He knew Phyl was in the back garden with Poppy because he'd seen them going down to the fishpond, but still, she could come back at any moment. Get rid of her, he told himself. Send her back to the lounge. Now.

‘Aren't you amazed at Nessa's news? I am. If I hadn't heard it from her own lips I'd never have believed it. Well, Mickey's a nice woman, and whatever turns you on, as they say.'

‘Quite,' Matt answered, trying to achieve a difficult balance between being friendly and being cool. It was proving very difficult. Ellie had come right up and planted herself too near him – smiling up at him, letting him become aware of her perfume, making sure that he had, if he wanted it, a good view of her cleavage.

‘Ellie,' he ventured, moving away from her. ‘This is – I'm not sure why you've come after me, but there's nothing else really for us to say to one another. I told you on the phone. I'm … I'm sorry about what happened but it was a one-off.'

‘Hmm. Well, yes, I know that really, but admit it, Matt. It was something special, wasn't it?'

‘Very nice indeed.' (God, what did he sound like? Someone describing biscuits and cheese he'd just eaten. But he could hardly enthuse about it. Give Ellie an inch and she'd take about a yard and a half.)

She laughed. ‘You've always been a master of understatement. Well, I can take a hint, and I think Justin and I will do very well together overseas. I've been finding the UK a bit – well, a bit un-adventurous, if you must know. But if you ever change your mind, Nessa will know where to find me.'

She put her arms around Matt's neck. He couldn't get away. His back was pressed up against the sink. She's going to do it, he thought. I can't move. Better to get it over with and then make a dash for the door. Oh, God, please, please don't let anyone come in and find
us. She's mad. She's incorrigible. Ellie's mouth was now on his. He could feel the heat of her body through his shirt and it took all his willpower not to respond. What if Phyl came in now? he thought. I can't, I mustn't! He let her kiss him and stood as stiffly as he could while she did it. He kept his lips firmly closed too. Then he moved firmly and definitely away from her.

‘I can see,' Ellie laughed, ‘that I'm wasting my time. Never mind, darling. Don't let it worry you.'

‘Absolutely. I'm fine. I do wish you luck in Argentina, Ellie. I'm sure you'll have a terrific time there. And you can keep an eye on Justin.'

She stepped back. ‘Justin's hopeless. He's only coming out for a few weeks, to see how the land lies. Renting out his flat in Brighton to a friend, I believe. Maybe that will generate a bit of income at any rate, while he's not getting his usual salary. I'd better go back there and see what's going on.'