A Lethal Legacy (10 page)

I did notice that he
continued to rub his thumb and forefinger together. Often he had hangnails that
bled. This nervous habit became even more pronounced when his father came
anywhere near him. At least he was talking to me again, and I hoped his
nervousness would soon disappear.

Within a few months,
Gary established himself with General Motors as an advertising rep. He moved to
the Detroit suburb of Dearborn in November, ready to begin a new life with only
the sadness and uncertainty of his daughter's well-being standing in the way of
his contentment and freedom.

"So that's what really
happened," Kristina said when I finished telling her about the end of her
parents' marriage.

"I thought Gary
explained it."

"He gave me the
sanitized version. Thanks for being so honest, Ed. I do appreciate that." She
gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

"Now how did
your marriage end and how did my father ever end up marrying Miss America for God's
sake?" she asked.

"That story is
for another time. I need to get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow will not be an
easy day."

His loneliness
surrounded him like a shroud protecting him from the family who tried to break
into his disguise. He sat alone at the table while the others around him did
not notice his dis-ease with himself and them. They didn't even notice that he
was alone.

I lay in the bed of
the spare bedroom after Kristina left and wondered how I would tell Claire and
Philip the news about their only child, a child who had managed to never live
up to their expectations for very long. His second marriage to Elizabeth had
been a temporary salve, but, of course, it hadn't lasted.

My thoughts turned to
Kristina and her genuine grief over Gary's illness. She exposed her raw
feelings to me that afternoon, needing confirmation that she had been loved at
some point in her life. I hoped I gave her some comfort.

And it was a comfort
to me to know that she suffered at the thought of losing Gary also. She left
several hours before, and now I remembered her sweetness and sadness. I could
have held her all night like that, just the two of us facing the unknown
together. As I remembered how fragile she had been just a few hours before, I
began to drift off to sleep.

As if in a dream,
Kristina was beside me in the bed. I sensed her presence before I felt her
hardened nipples pressing into my back as she formed a spoon with my body. For
a long moment, I lay there in the state between wakefulness and sleep enjoying
the pleasant sensations of another human body joining with mine.

I finally realized it
wasn't a dream when I felt her hands pressing and exploring my back, then my
chest. I was barely breathing, not sure how to respond, but not wanting it to
stop. Then the hands lowered themselves to the waistband of my shorts. Her
fingers began exploring regions of my body that became fully awakened at her
touch.

"Kristina,"
I moaned as I rolled over to make sure this was not an apparition.

"Ed, I need you,
I need to feel you inside me, please. I've wanted this for so long and so have
you." She continued to speak in a soft, low voice as her hands performed
their magic. "We need each other, especially now."

The sleep of only
moments ago began to wear away, although I performed the task of pulling off my
shorts still in a dreamlike state. I sought her out with my lips and hands that
easily found their destination in the dark.

" Kristina, we
have to stop," I said as I continued to press myself against her while a
part of my mind attempted to disengage unsuccessfully. However, my passion for
her, and my need for another human being at this point were too powerful for me
to fight any longer. I was crushed by the waves of emotion that began washing
over me the minute she touched me. The fog rolled over me and lost me in its
thickness.

"No, we don't
have to stop, Eddie. Love me, please love me," she said in her angelic
voice. She reached one hand to caress my cheek.

She was so
vulnerable, and she needed me. I reached for her, and I forgot everything else
as I pushed myself on top of her. I forgot my promise to Gary as I gave myself
over completely to the pleasure of this creature beneath me, still begging me
to love her.

When I woke in the morning,
she was gone, and if not for her scent still upon my pillow, I might have
thought I'd been dreaming. But as I remembered the way we had clung to one
another as if to an inner tube in a lonely sea, I knew it had not been a dream.
I knew that I had compromised something within myself the night before and with
that knowledge, the enormity of the act hit me full force. I let everyone down.
I even forgot to get the condom out of my pant's pocket before I lost myself
inside of her.

With a dread and
sickening feeling at the pit of my stomach, I showered and prepared for the day
and my long drive back to Ocala to face my aunt and uncle. I had to tell them
their only child was dying, while deep inside of me, I knew I was the one who
had died sometime during the night and a new, not improved Ed, stood before the
bathroom mirror trying not to shake while I shaved away the night's stubble.

By the time I hit
I-10, I began sorting through the events of the night before. I hadn't pursued
her; she came willingly to my bed, I told myself as I drove faster and faster
to put distance between myself and Kristina. I also knew in my heart that I was
the older one who should have stopped what occurred in that bed in the middle
of the night. It didn't matter that we both were seeking some sort of solace in
the midst of an intense grief. I felt hopelessly lost as I drove east.

Ever since my move to
Florida, I had been going either to the Atlantic coast or the Gulf when the
time came to recharge my batteries. Whether the middle of winter or in the heat
of the summer, I would throw a few things in the car and head to the place that
would provide me with what I needed most.

The Atlantic made me
feel alive with the large waves and coquina beaches of north Florida. Even in
the rain, I would walk the beach feeling a part of nature, an insignificant
part, at best, but at least a part of the forces that make up the universe. It
is necessary to feel the sense of forces larger than oneself to remain humble.
I would write sketches or scribble feeble attempts at poetry or fill journal
pages when I came back to my rental place of choice. I felt a sense of freedom
from the struggles of my life and those around me.

The Gulf, on the
other hand, with its flat white beaches and cool soothing ripples of baby waves
gave me a sense of calm and peacefulness, which allowed me to forget for a
short while the failed marriages and relationships of my life. It always amazed
me when people said they felt safe and secure to talk to me because I made them
feel important. It certainly hadn't made either Allison or Kelsey feel safe. I
guess most women don't like those characteristics in a husband.

So on this journey
back to my newly adopted home with the currents of my family's life resting in
my shaky hands, I knew I needed the solace that the Gulf of Mexico might bring
me before I faced the hurricane named Philip.

I got off I-10 and
headed south for my favorite winter haunt, St. George Island in Apalachicola
Bay. I decided to spend two nights there before heading home. I spoke briefly
to Rick at the last rest area. He told me the doctor visited that morning and
given Gary some new medications that seemed to relieve some of his pain and allowed
him to even eat a little. When I mentioned to Rick that I might stop for a
short respite on the island, he encouraged me and assured me that my news for
Gary's parents could wait an extra day.

I felt my shoulders
relaxing as I drove over the four-mile bridge connecting the barrier island of
St. George with the mainland of Florida. It was dark as I approached the
Buccaneer Inn, but the sign assured me that there was a vacancy. After a long
walk on the beach, I headed to Harry A's on the bay side for a few beers and a
game of pool with one of the locals.

I spent the next day
walking the beach, sitting on the balcony of my beach front room, and writing
about the illness that stood poised ready to take Gary. I thought about his
comments over the years about his demons. Now they had a name, and they came
from hell. The self-inflicted wounds on his fingers now manifested themselves
all over his body.

I walked the beach
leaving deep footprints in the sand. When I turned around to head back to the
Inn, the tide began its journey back into shore and my footprints disappeared
as if I had never been there at all.

When the sun set that
night, I remembered the sunset of two days ago when Kris and I attempted to
comfort one another. I wondered if she could be watching the same sunset in New
Orleans, and just as quickly as the thought had come, I shoved it from my mind
forcing it back into the dark depths where it belonged. The time had come to
forget about myself and concentrate on what lay ahead of me tomorrow. I couldn't
face Gary's death, his parents, and my descent into hell all in one day.

Instead, I thought
back to the memories that Kristina had evoked two nights before when I told her
about meeting Kelsey. When I thought of my second marriage, I couldn't help but
remember Gary's second marriage to Elizabeth and his temporary attempt to make
his father proud of him.

Kelsey finished her
degree in 1972 and then immediately began as an account executive with
Domino's. She loved the camaraderie of her colleagues, and even I had to admit
that some of the social gatherings were fun. Volleyball became a corporate
favorite, as well as the competitive softball rivalry between the different
divisions within the company.

During the summer, I
finished a rough draft of a novel about the horrors of growing up homosexual in
America. Gary's character, very well disguised as a star athlete during high
school and college, ended up differently than its prototype. My fictional
character finally comes to terms with his homosexuality and becomes openly gay
by the end. In the novel, the turbulent years between 1967 and 1971 serve as a
backdrop, creating a metaphor for the turmoil within the main character's life.

By 1972, Gary's life
had not followed the same pattern. In fact, he did everything he could to bury
his true feelings in order to be accepted. Mostly he wanted acceptance from his
father, but I grew tired of telling him that Philip Townsend would never accept
him no matter what he did. Gary tried to prove me wrong when he began a romantic
relationship with a beauty queen.

When they met, early
in 1973, Elizabeth Jackson had just won the title of Miss Michigan as
Kalamazoo's entry, and Gary had been working at GM for six months. Gary's
department was considering using Elizabeth for a series of ads for the Impala,
and Gary met her to set up the final contract. He later told me they liked one
another instantly and became friends over several long lunches. Once I met
Elizabeth, I could easily understand the friendship. However, I still worried
about his intentions and motives as the relationship developed.

When the partnership
between Miss Michigan and GM was announced, Gary asked Elizabeth if he could
escort her to the cocktail party that would launch the new campaign. Soon
after, they began dating whenever Elizabeth was in town or whenever they landed
in the same town together since Gary traveled quite a bit with his job, too. 

Elizabeth was
probably the most active Miss Michigan ever. Gary once told me, "Elizabeth
has her eyes on the big prize. She's determined to be Miss America and nothing,
not even me, comes before that."

I tried several times
to talk with Gary seriously. I watched as he picked at his finger. The rawness
of that wound showed me he was trying to shut out his innermost feelings and
me. So I decided, as I always did, that I just needed to be his friend. Any
attempt on my part to help him sort through the complications of his life, and
he would cut all contact with me as he had done before when I tried to scratch
beneath his carefully constructed veneer.

By this time, I had
met Elizabeth several times and liked her. I always thought of beauty queens as
being rather shallow, but I soon found that Elizabeth had substantive goals.

"Please, don't
ever call me 'the beauty queen'," she told me the first time we met.

"Why not?"
I asked.

"I'm preparing
for the Miss America competition like it's a job. In fact, I hope it leads to
many jobs for me as an actress. Do you know how much money is awarded in
scholarships alone?"

"I hadn't really
thought about it," I said.

"No, you
wouldn't have reason to think about it would you." She laughed. "It's
enough to fund my entire college education, if I want and allow me a
comfortable life. With the contacts and endorsements alone, I could walk right
into a career in television or modeling when the year is over. I want it all,
even if it means I have to put on those stupid bathing suits and parade down
the runway like a mannequin. It will all be worth it."

"Elizabeth, if
determination can win this contest then you're sure to come in first," I said.

"Tell me about
your wife, Ed. When do I get to meet her?" Elizabeth asked.

"Ed, that
reminds me, Mom and Dad want us to all come over for dinner Friday night. Can
you and Kelsey make it?" Gary asked.

"Sure, I think
so. But let me ask Kelsey. So I guess, Elizabeth, if she can make it, you'll
meet her Friday night at Claire and Philip's. By the way, have you met them
yet?"

"Oh, yes. I just
love Claire. She's so sweet. Philip's very nice, too, and just as handsome as
his son." Elizabeth winked at Gary and reached over and squeezed his hand.
Her hand momentarily covered his open sore. Gary picked up his drink with the
other hand and took a long sip.

Of course, Aunt
Claire and Uncle Philip were thrilled with Gary's new girlfriend. When he told
them, they both seemed to have forgiven him for sending Pam and Kristina away.
Although Claire never blamed Gary openly, he told me he sensed from his
mother's questions after the divorce that she secretly thought he should have
been a better husband and father.

Claire would ask,
"Why didn't you hire help for Kristina so Pam wasn't so
overburdened?" or "I wonder what would have happened if you had moved
back to Ann Arbor before Pam left?" leaving Gary with the feeling that if
he had only done something more, he could have salvaged his marriage. He knew
rationally that nothing would have saved it; but children don't think
rationally when parents place blame. I always sensed that his mother's
insidious remarks wounded him more than his father's blatant attacks on his
manhood because his mother had always supported him no matter what. In fairness
to Claire, she had no idea the amount of power wrapped up in her seemingly
simple questions.