A Life Plan Without You. (95 page)

“Yes that sounds ok, give me a minute to change shoes I will
be ready in a minute go sit back down, this is a friendship thing
Paul, I’m still a little angry and confused at the
moment.”

“Right friends, I can do that and win you over with my charm
and wit Michelle, get a wriggle on we’re wasting time here.” I
ummed why did I think he wanted more?

I changed and put my shoes on, putting my dance shoes away,
ready for my exams on Sunday. I went back out and overheard Karen
ask Sam to take her. I hoped they wouldn’t turn up, that would be
just too hard. This way I could go for a quick dance and slipway
back home, after telling Paul I’m sorry he’s not the one for me. I
needed to get out of here she wasn’t going to see me
cry.

“Ready? Sorry it took me so long, Heaven it is then.” He got
up so fast I thought his neck would snap. I wanted to get out of
here leave them to it. I looked at Sam’s face he still had feelings
I knew he did, but why was he with her again, why didn’t he talk to
me? Why Sam, why did you do this, oh why with her, her of all
people?

We got in the club and Paul went to get the drinks. I stood
like the odd nail in a bag of screws I didn’t want to be here. Paul
gave me my drink, coke laced with vodka, I drank a little and at
Paul’s insistence I drank the rest in one go as instructed it was
followed by a few more. I wasn’t thinking straight, he said it
would make me feel better. It worked for Zoë; yes I remembered
drinking helped her forget. Oh my head was fuzzy, how did she do
this every bloody week? Paul got a bit touchy feely.

I was actually repulsed by his touch and cigarette breath as
he pulled me closer, roughly and greedily. Paul grabbed my hand and
we danced, the alcohol rid me of any practical sense I had, fears
and inhibitions I had, I wished I was dancing with Sam and for a
short minute, I imagined I was. Then Sam walked in… With her… Paul
went for more drinks. I couldn’t face them, so went to the toilet
and she followed me there, I ignored the bitch.

“He’s just said you were the biggest mistake he’s ever made.”
I was now in pissed off, drunken bitch mode. I dried my hands
turned to walk away.

“That’s not what his eyes say Karen and for the record his
biggest mistake, was and is you. Sam would never say I was a
mistake ever. I’m surprised he’s speaking at all, let alone to you.
Don’t push me Karen, just don’t or what that girl got, will be
nothing compared to what I do to you, leave me and leave me alone
now, years of you back stabbing me and bringing me down is enough,
so go on, fuck off and claim your fucking prize, you fucking
bitch.

You want Sam? Then he’s yours, but good luck, because you will
need it. Tell him he’s won I’m leaving, as I said I would be doing
and I’m never coming back. You won, I lost but I have lost
everything. Are you happy now Karen? Don’t kid yourself he loves
you when he shags you, because he will never be in love with you.
He’s way too messed up in his head and you jumping all over him is
pathetic and desperate, when he clearly is here for me, but being
with you he hasn’t a chance of that now, he knows my
rules.

We had love and his eyes say we still have love too, because
his eyes never lie, with you they say fuck off. If you’ve not
already had him, remember me as he takes you, it’s not you he wants
it’s me. He will use you to take out his anger on, you are just the
nearest fucking bitch to drop her knickers at him.” She was messing
with my head all over again, so now I’m in her head and as he shags
her, she will be thinking of me as he looks into her eyes, I leave
and sob, but by now I’m too pissed to care.

He has made his choice, her not me. I love you Sam Todd and I
always will, but why did you bring her here to rub my nose in it, I
could have stopped at dance and rubbed your nose in it Sam, but no
I came here to save face, but you are rubbing mine in it, and
hurting me why?

I cannot forgive him now and I don’t want Paul either, men, I
hate them. I take a deep breath and do the stupidest thing, because
I know I have had too much to drink, but when I returned to Paul I
stupidly drank the drink he had for me and my head was now totally
wrecked and my senses were now functioning like those of a three
year old, I had lost all control of my logic and reasoning and I
feel like I have to get out go home and be safe, but my body won’t
do as I want it instead my three year old wants to play and to
dance and to enjoy myself, and I don’t care who with as long as
they play with me too.

I have a fuzzy head and the lights are acting like a
hypnotising beacon, I dance because I know I can, but hell I have
no barriers up, my defences have been blown out of the water by
those pesky scud missiles, Vodka and coke, wow it feels strange to
not be worried that people are watching me dance and smiling and
joining me. My head spins as I spin and somehow I’m still on my
feet, and dancing without a care in the world, I’m me, I’m fabulous
and oh hell I want to be sick…

Then before I can do anything else I’m dancing with him Paul,
fuck I danced sexier than ever, Paul was very happy, but all that’s
going through my mind is I hated his smell, he stank of fags and he
felt like he was pawing at me, like a butcher throws the meat on
his cutting block, before he starts selecting the joints for sale,
I feel like that slab of fresh meat, I feel like he’s telling the
room look at my piece of meats bum!

I suddenly realise I’m heading for danger, and then he
confirms it as he suggests things that are crude and horrid and I
need to get away. I then remember why I’m here, and I remember Sam
is here, he has to save me from my stupid mistake, because he has
to, where is he? I need him I need my angel to save me from
something I don’t want to do.

Then I see those ebony eyes watching me, I see the smile I
head towards them they are welcoming me back, I smile for a second
and realise he loves me and I need him, I looked at Sam, and he was
watching me, sad eyes dark eyes welcoming me back, mine were sad
too, because I wanted him. I wanted to run, grab him and escape
into the night with my love.

I turned from Paul and stepped towards Sam, and then it
happened. Paul grabbed at me as he saw me heading for Sam and
kissed me, for a split second I think it is Sam because his were
the eyes I was looking into when Paul kissed me, this is very
different from Sam very different, not nice and I’m suddenly taken
aback by the realisation it’s not Sam I’m kissing and I didn’t pull
away as quickly as I should have, oh hell I need to throw up that
was awful, like kissing a lemon and an ashtray combined
erg.

“Nice Michelle very nice I want you tonight, on the market
we’re going there for a bit I will be your first, did the taxis
stop it from happening that night, I do hope so?” I wanted to throw
up, he had stopped it happening that night, him? That’s why he was
listening to our plans, and why he warned Pat. Shit this was
stalking and in a nasty way. Oh God I was too drunk to do this
tonight, I needed to escape, he wasn’t nice, he was evil and in a
creepy way. He went for more drinks, as if I needed more. I
followed him to tell him to fuck off and give him money for my
drinks. That was the only payment he was getting off me as I threw
the twenty pounds at him.

“I didn’t want you to kiss me moron because I still want Sam.
Fuck right off you’re not getting that ever from me, this should
cover the drinks. Sex with you isn’t happening, especially not on
the market stalls, you are nothing like my Sam, who yes I have had
wonderful sex with.” Oh hell Sam, where is Sam, please tell me he
didn’t see that? I’d shouted at Paul, he smiled and said nothing
just stood at the bar, as if he didn’t hear me.

Sam, hell he was so mad, shit he did see me and he’d gotten up
from his seat and was heading out of the club and he was taking
Karen with him. I had blown it. Revenge sex for her and heartbreak
for me. Sam hell, he was in a mess again and all thanks to a
fucking stupid kiss and me drinking like I hadn’t a care in the
fucking world. Damn the room was spinning I need to tell him, tell
him I’m sorry, it was a mistake, and to come back. Oh hell the love
of my life was taking her somewhere to fuck he did the revenge
fucks, to get over Janet. Shit, she was going to have my angel, he
wouldn’t think twice and I cried and then felt sick, sick that I
had lost him and it was my own fault, shit, I see Paul laughing
with his mates and realisation sets in that I’ve lost Sam, and the
danger is still in the room with me and I’m fucking too drunk to
fight him off.

“I’m going home Paul, I don’t feel well.” He wasn’t happy and
told me to calm down he would take me home, after we went for a
market visit, for what he was owed. I picked up the money and put
it in his shirt and he stayed at the bar getting the drinks, more
drinks like I really needed anymore what I wanted was to be sick. I
rushed to the toilet and threw my guts up, I’d had enough of the
stupidity of my drinking and my stupid revenge had backfired, I was
screwed and not in a good way either.

I went up the stairs slowly, the bloody steps seemed like they
were heading to heaven, and getting me out of hell, this club needs
a new name, then reality set in I’m in Heaven and heading towards
unknown hell, shit my head hurts, as I finally climbed the stairs,
reaching the doors and the fresh air was, wow fresh and cold, it
made me light headed and fuck I was fuzzy.

Somehow I had gotten away from Paul. I told Colin and Chris to
tell the moron I came in with, they’d put me in a taxi home and I
said goodbye, they wanted to put me in a taxi too, but somehow I
convinced them I was fine and that I needed to sober up before I
hit home and the walk would do me good.

I walked towards home, my drunken legs knew the much walked
route and were leading me to safety, there was a strange and funny
looking girl following me home, she looked a proper state too, her
makeup had run, her hair was a mess and she was staggering. Shit I
was looking at me, and my reflection, it damn well sobered me up a
little. I stopped and sorted myself out and took a deep breath, I
had to get home, I had to focus on getting home it wasn’t that far
and I would be safe, damn I’m passing the Frog in’t Mud, it’s
throwing out time and Janet is coming towards me shit, it rather
sobered me up a little more.

“Argh if it isn’t Sam’s ex fiancé and schoolgirl crush, how
you doing? Not looking so hot Miss-I-got-the-expensive-rings, now
are you, where is the lover boy then? Back to stall shagging, to
find your replacement?” I will try to ignore her. I need to get
home, away from her, away from Paul, he will come for me, he will
want things, oh help me! Why did I do this? Please help me and keep
away from me Janet because I won’t be able to hold back.

“Leave Janet, you really don’t need to mess with me, not
recommended, not tonight, please just leave whilst you can.” How
many warnings does she need? Just leave me alone.

“How is sad fucked up Sam? Missing my vagina yet, yours isn’t
that great if he’s dumped you so fucking soon.” How did she know
that? Get out of my way.

“Last warning Janet, that’s all you get. I really just want to
go home and grab some sleep.” She stupidly hits my shoulder and a
whole lot of rage is boiling. Some of the Jollies are watching. Oh
no, you didn’t bitch. I grab her so hard she cannot move I won’t
let her. She looks so frightened, amazing how quickly I sobered
up.

“My engagement ring cost him fourteen grand and I still have
it, then he bought me an eternity ring because we will be together
for that long. I love him and he loves me.” I know it I just have
to get home, but she has pushed me too far. “You really are a
bitch, do you really think your over fucked vagina is what Sam
needs or wants? If you do then you’re more delusional than I first
thought. You’re wrong on us splitting up too Janet, because we
haven’t split up bitch. Zoë, ‘Miss Information,’ informed you
wrongly, another whore who thinks she can have my
fiancé.

Well, let me tell you what’s happening in my life, one that
you seem to need to know about, you really are a dumb bitch. I’m
working away for the summer, as I’m a chef and not a schoolgirl
anything. Sam he is going to come for sex filled weekends. I warned
you to move before and keep away from me you made a
BIG
mistake.” Say it
enough Michelle, you’re kidding yourself. He hates me now. I grab
her shoulder and squeeze so hard she screams, her friends come near
I threaten to rip her shoulder off if they come closer. Not
possible really, but it sounded good, she hits me again, big
mistake.

I pummel
the shit out of her, and didn’t blink once. I lean down as she
screams again.

“When you get out of hospital, fucking move and don’t even
think about going to the police with what I’ve done. This was
self-defence, you came at me remember? Despite me warning you
numerous times, that I defend myself and well, do you not remember
that bitch? You though, blackmail is far worse a crime to commit
and Andy thankfully keeps brilliant records of all your pay offs,
and the house he gave you and you ran as and still run as a fucking
brothel. Did you really think he didn’t keep records dealing with
you? See thinking with your vagina again, use your brain cell. It’s
a little lonely, but works better? My brain is firing on all
cylinders now and wants to kill you.”

She grabbed at my leg and I kicked her in the shoulder, I may
have dislocated it, not self-defence tonight, more a revenge
beating! The Jollies come to her rescue eventually and try to hold
me back. It took a couple of the Jolly’s to get me off her, which
they did. Her friends dragged her away and after she left, I was
allowed to leave too. My pretty white-virgin-no-more-dress is all
messed up.